My boyfriend doesn’t know I’m trans

[JenJx]

Hi Jen and thanks for taking a reasonable view of what I am saying as was also my intention toward you.  I think you explain your situation in an understandable way and in your response above you are both acknowledging the issue and yet make it understandable.

I like your candor.  I am big on that.  You seem to understand your feelings and also the issue.

I feel good that you understand the point I was making and yet you do a good job of explaining your feelings and how you got here.

I really do wish you well and long term happiness.   

Thanks so much Kim 

[pretty pauline]

I understand why people think telling your T should be done before sex, but when you're dating somebody and getting close, things just happen without you even thinking about that, which is what has happened in this case.

I understand perfectly, I was in this exact same situation 10 years, I always had bad experience with men when I disclosed I was trans, I started to date a wonderful guy about 12 years ago and we got really close and things happened and the relationship was very serious, I just didn't see any reason to tell him, but knew I had to tell him sometime but just kept putting it off, then he proposed marriage and that was when I told him, hardest decision I ever had to make, he didn't get angry but was very shocked, asked a lot of questions about my transition, we got married and he is now my husband, we're now just a normal husband & wife, he does the ''guy stuff'' I do the ''wife stuff'' cooking, cleaning, housekeeping etc we don't discuss it, it's history, his friends etc have no idea, it's our business, he doesn't need the stigma of people knowing ''omg wife used to be a guy'' people can be cruel, hubby completely accepts me as a woman and that's all that matters, let us know how your boyfriend reacts, you might be surprised because I was, my boyfriend only ever knew me as a woman and we got to know each other, he never knew me in my former life.

[Karen_A]

IMO if one is post-op and stealth there is no moral obligation to "tell" unless things get marriage type serious. If it came out after marriage it could destroy 2 lives...

But before that, if we can manage it,  we deserve to be able to lives as who we are and not have to carry the baggage of the misconceptions about TSism into all of our relationships.

As long as one is being emotionally honest with the other person and is just being oneself, that is all we owe unless/until things very serious.

What any individual TS choses to do is up to them and what they feel comfortable with before things get that serious... before that point there is no right or wrong about disclosing or not before sex.

Once things get THAT serious, then the morality can be debated IMO, but I do think one should disclose then because of what could happen if it came out afterwards.

- Karen

[KimOct]

I am still reading but I don't feel the need to add anything I have not already.  What may not be apparent from my earlier replies is that I do see the other side of this more than my opinion may appear.  I took 10 minutes of my visit today and asked my therapist her opinion out of curiosity.  She made a couple of good points I had not considered.

EDIT
OK I always am open so I will just say somethings she said.  At least the gist of it.  Two counter points she made.

1.  Think of someone that is mixed race but it is not apparent.  Their sexual partner may be a racist.  Should the woman tell the guy before sex - oh btw I have a grandparent that is (fill in the blank ) so I am 1/4 (whatever)
That was in response to my contention that the other person should know in case they would change their mind.
She continued by saying that if the guy thinks I'm hot enough to #@(%  - she swears a lot LOL - then that doesn't mean I have to disclose everything.  The analogy helped me see her point.

2.  She said why should gender be any different than any other characteristic - should we stop before sex and discuss religion or political affiliation etc etc.  Why does gender have any more standing?  Her position was that because as transwomen WE are the ones that make gender a big deal in our head.

Both very good points.  She is a rock star and I thought her arguments were good.  On the other hand she thought my arguments were also sound.  And THAT is why I usually see shades of grey and not black and white.
Tough situation for Jen and anyone else in a similar circumstance.  Seems to me there are as many possible outcomes as there are trans-people.  Definitely something that should be given thought.

I hope it works out.

[JenJx]

Pauline and Karen, thank you so much for your replies. They both put things in to prospective for me and made me realise what I'm doing isn't the worst thing in the world and doesn't make me a monster (which is how I feel sometimes when I think too much in to it).

Kim - again thanks for your input. Your therapist raises some very valid points and are views to which I echo myself. Unfortunately I think on this topic, men and women see it very differently. I find that my girl friends that I've spoke to about this kind of gloss it over like it's no big deal but then I've found guys have a totally different view and think the opposite, that it should be disclosed straight away. And because the situation revolves around a guy it makes it so much more confusing!

I spent the weekend with him when he came back from his family vacation. While he was away he lost his phone and could only call me from his dad's phone. When he got back he said he hadn't been able to speak to any of his friends while he was away and I was the only person he contacted. He asked me to take him up to his dad's the morning after he was back as he had a spare phone he could use (he could put his SIM card in and retreive all the info out of his phone this way too). When he asked me to take him, I had this gut feeling that he was gonna turn the phone on and have a message from one of his friends outing me. I tried to shrug it off but the feeling wouldn't go. I watched him turn the phone on and messages started coming through and my nerves went.

Obviously no such message appeared, but it just left me feeling like I couldn't keep thinking like that and wouldn't wanna live my life looking over my shoulder. I know I need to tell him soon. I just need a bit more time...

[SadieBlake]

Kim, smart woman your therapist :-)

Jen, I agree that men and women see this differently. Unfortunately homophobia is alive and well for a surprising number of people and to me if you care for someone and that changes because you find out that at some time in the past they had a more male wrapper, well that's homophobia.

The thing about not being homophobic, transphobic, racist, classist, ableist etc is if we think we're not and yet  can't back that belief in our personal actions then we need reexamine our beliefs.

Pauline, you're far from the first woman I know who's told a story like that, I'm so glad it all worked well for you :-).

[JenJx]

Kim, smart woman your therapist :-)

Jen, I agree that men and women see this differently. Unfortunately homophobia is alive and well for a surprising number of people and to me if you care for someone and that changes because you find out that at some time in the past they had a more male wrapper, well that's homophobia.

The thing about not being homophobic, transphobic, racist, classist, ableist etc is if we think we're not and yet  can't back that belief in our personal actions then we need reexamine our beliefs.

Pauline, you're far from the first woman I know who's told a story like that, I'm so glad it all worked well for you :-).

Sadie, whilst I wish I could completely agree with your strong views, I think if a guy was to reject a trans woman because of her past (in a non-aggressive, non-hateful kind of way), then I do think that is his right. The same way in that I might choose to not continue dating someone if I were to find out for instance they had children, or were a smoker (which to some people could be deal breakers) as long as it's done in a respectful manner it doesn't necessarily mean they are homophobic/transphobic/the worlds worst - in my opinion anyway!

Pauline - your story is beautiful and inspiring, hopefully I might have a similar story myself one day!

[Charlie Nicki]

A couple of weeks ago I met this guy at a party, a gentleman, we danced all night, kissed, he bought me drinks and then offered to take me to eat something and then home. I never disclosed I was trans because I was sure he knew. We went to his car and he reclined my seat and got on top of me. Started kissing me and then went to put his hands over my parts...He realized what was between my legs, stopped and just sat there in shock asking me "seriously?"...I said I thought he knew and he said he had no idea. He didn't do anything and even offered to take me back home but I was so uncomfortable because he completely changed his behavior and I honestly didn't want to spend more time alone with him, fearing he would get upset and aggressive. So I left and nothing happened to me, but it could have.

My point is, men can go from being perfect gentlemen to extremely serious and even aggressive if they feel deceived or if they feel their masculinity threatened. I hope this is not the case with your guy but honey you're playing with fire here... You need to tell him ASAP. Good luck.

[Paige]

Hi Jenn,

Very interesting thread.  I hope it works out for you.

I don't think there's anything moral about this.  Jenn is a woman who can't give birth.   She is who she is there's nothing deceptive about that.  Saying she has an obligation to tell him seems to me to cave to a transphobic view that she isn't a women.

To me the decision is only about safety.   Somehow society needs to stop enabling the idea that a man has the right to be angry about this.  That's the real issue here.  That's what puts people in danger because many in society think less of transgender people.  They think we should admit that we're less than cis and should grovel for their acceptance.

If a women has Androgen insensitivity syndrome, are they somehow being deceptive by not telling their partner?   

Anyway that's my two cents.  Sorry for the rant.
Take care,
Paige

[NatalieRene]

I am reminded of the posts I've read here about people talking in their sleep in their male voice. The ways we can be outed, or out ourselves, are numerous.






EDIT:   male voice, not mail voice. 

That just means the muscle memory isn't the female voice yet. When it's automatic and you have to think about speaking in a male voice and if you try it your voice cracks you don't have to worry about talking in a male voice while sleeping.

In terms of this subject as to tell or not to tell. I don't know. I for sure would if I was pre op or non op but being post op I don't really have to. Really there is not much different about me at this point then any other woman that cannot have kids. I would feel more inclined to disclose to them that I cannot have biological kids and then be honest about if I was willing to adopt or go through some sort of surrogacy situation with him.

My current boyfriend knows but that is kind of a funny story. We've been together for a very long time. We met at a karaoke bar after I got done singing some Cyndi Lauper. My friend, who doesn't have the option of stealth, got up and in full bass belted out wherever I may roam. It was rather amusing and embarrassing at the same time because she had too much to drink and was slurring the words and off key.

There was another guy I was dating for about four months that I never did tell. Like the op I wanted to tell him in person but kept chickening out. Intimacy just kind of sneaks up on things and thankfully being post op it was possible. Honestly I don't feel guilty about it.

My main suggestion is use your judgement and stay safe.

[KimOct]

So obviously I have evolved on the subject somewhat but I have not done a 180.  Lots of good points including the ones I shared from my therapist.

As was mentioned above we are women, and if they can't tell or even if they can if they are making advances then they must find us desirable.

If we disclose to someone that does not suspect and they then reject us does that make them homophobic?  Yeah I think you can say so.

Here is why I am still torn on both sides.  Don't they have the right to be homophobic?  Am I condoning it?  NO.
Do I condone the KKK or Nazi party?  NO.  I am a liberal.  But they have the right to their idiotic opinion.  So does a homophobe or transphobe.

I get both sides of the debate.  I usually do.  It drives me crazy. 

But as Charlie Nicki said this can get dangerous very quickly.

Jen I hope you tell him soon both so you can stop worrying about it and for your safety.

Keep us updated and thank you for sharing a difficult topic so we can discuss.  I think that is so important here so that others can sort things out for themselves.