Thanks people. I appreciate it. It's definitely been a mood elevator for sure. Being on estrogen (or under it's influence) for the first time I perceive the world differently. It's like experiencing the world for the first time through rose tinted nostslgia glasses.
Coming out to anyone helps too. First person was my fiance. My fiance and I were in a smokey bar one night listening to some C-list bands. We started making out, something we'd not done in forever. I wanted to dance but she wasn't feeling it. There were four acts but we left midway through the second, hoarse from secondhand smoke (neither of us are smokers). As we laid in bed that night, I told her I loved her maybe a dozen times, before squeaking out, "i'm not sure if I'm a heterosexual man or a lesbian trapped in a man's body. Does that sound strange to you?" "No, not really," she replied, dismissing it as drunken rants and rolling back over. I repeated it the next day to reassure her I meant what I said. Then the smokey hoarseness. Normally my pitch drops, not goes up when I get hoarse. This time it did the opposite. My voice was beginning to transition already. I sang along to Joan Jett's "Crimson and Clover" in the cassette deck on our way to church that morning, matching the native singer's pitch. "I think you just might be," she said.
I have a few close and extended friends who know and are vowed to secrecy, but my family, church, and employer are still in the dark. I'm pretty stable right now, but I want to feminise just a little more before I talk to my therapist. I haven't met with her in a long time (since I started working), but I'm sure she'll relate. She's known me better than anyone over the years...
Fun fact: as a teen, when I started collecting CDs, I was hardcore into dance music, and 75% of my music collection consisted of female artists. A friend once asked me, "how come you listen to dance music but you don't dance?"
I did eventually get over my fear of dancing when I went to college, but it was something I had to learn, not instinct. Well now (as of the last couple months) every time I hear music of any type, my body starts to move instinctively.
The lyrics of much music, especially hip hop, often was degrading to women, yet these powerful lyrics sang by women who were not afraid to share their sexuality, were awe inspiring.
Janet Jackson, Jennifer Lopez, lots of others, and yes, Amber. Her 2001 single from her sophomore album, "Sexual," gave me goosebumps. I knew I wanted what she had, or at least someday make a woman feel that way. Similar resonance from her third album's "Yes!" So I named my inner spirit after her.
And "Jean" comes from the ledgend of Petite Jean State Park Arkansas, a spot where I spent many family vacations. Petite Jean was a woman who cross-dressed as a man so she could explore the wilderness, since female explorers were unheard of at the time.
As a child, I was named after both grandfathers. I won't disclose my real names, but my first name was an awkward English name and I hated it from a young age (though I grew to appreciate it later on), so I went by my androgynous sounding initials AJ during childhood. Once my mom shared with me that she waited until I was born to find out if I was boy or girl. I asked her how she knew to name me a boy's name. "Well," she said, "we decided if a boy, [AJ] and Lily Marie if a girl."
I didn't tell my mom, but I always though Lily Marie was a pretty name. However, as an artist, I encorporated my three initials (AJ_) into a single character for my signature, and I identify by that, so I wanted to keep them.
I don't really know how far I'll feminise in the end, or ever go as far as changing my legal name to Amber Jean ____. In my home state of Louisisna, there is a legal process to filing a name change, and unless it accompanies a marriage license, requires court approval from a judge. If the judge denies it, you are out the legal fees. Lots of fees, and one still cannot change the gender (even if the name is approved) on their birth certificate without a signed affidavit by a doctor certifying that that a surgical correction procedure has been performed.
Sorry, but I could never go under the knife unless it was medically necessary. Though I understand it is right for some transgendered people, it's not for me. I love my body too much. I've had one major surgery and a few minor ones in my lifetime. Scapels are scary.
