Hello,
It has been 3 months since my mother said my breasts are tumors and I have noticed a widening in terms of the separation. Everything has been pretty tough and I feel like things are beyond salvageable. There has been times when my mother just takes off and does not come back for hours. It is really disconcerting. The weird thing is that other people, who do not know what is going on, keeps telling me that I should take care of my mother and be a good person. What I have come to realize is that one cannot take care of someone who does not want to be taken care of. My mother has also been showing great dislike and distancing from me taking HRT. She was not exactly on board about it before, and many times told me I should not transition / I should inject testosterone instead, but now she just distances herself entirely and does not even want me to mention it or anything about my transition. It is over. If she cannot accept me for who I am I really cannot be there. I started HRT on my own when I was 21 and I am going to be 34 in April. It is so tough and she has also become increasingly aggressive toward me verbally. I feel alienated. It is strange. My mother separated from my father when I was around 9 years old and I ended up going with my mother. Since then I have been with her and I thought we were pretty much inseparable. Now I feel like I was wrong since sometime around 3 or maybe 4 years ago she one day mentioned the desire to both go our ways. I spoke to her about it and she decided to stay, but it seems that after the tumor comment something inside me broke, and I don't know if it just made me open my eyes or what, but I also just don't feel like being around anymore. My mother just kind of ignores things or pushes them under the carpet. Talks to me and all but only about the subjects she wants to talk about and sometimes her comments are just really rough and hard to handle. She just feels really aggressive about things.The truth is that ever since she called my breasts tumors I have felt like I just do not want to be around her because, well, what will she say next? I mean, if my breasts are tumors then what else about me is a tumor? They are a part of me so am I a tumor? And she has told me to go to hell for bringing that subject back up again. Said i am not female and will never be. She mainly now wants to do only things she wants to do. Anything else is met up with anger. I just never thought things would go down this road. It is sad. At this point I just feel like it would be better to go and not come back around for a while which I plan to do. Hopefully between July through October once debt payments are paid off. Things I generally do have been suffering. My attendance to school is dropping and so is me trying to work out to remove stress. Eating also and sleeping. It is just the separation aspect of it all that is difficult because we used to do all of that together. Cooking, Traveling, studying at times too. Weird, I always felt my mom was like the most trust worthy person I could ever find, but with this I really do not know what else to expect from life. I am just trying to hold things together until the months pass because there is debt and duties and things that need to be done because they were sort of tied together because of the togetherness that we had. It's like. I have to try and live life day to day life like nothing is wrong and everything is okay. My biggest fear at this point truly is what she will say next. I mean, at what point does it stop? I'm pretty afraid to the point of not really wanting to talk at all and so I try to limit it as much as possible. Also the responses with the yelling and aggressiveness is hard to deal with and make me feel not wanted. Maybe it was like that since a long time ago and I just never noticed? I highly doubt things would have been any better with my dad. He was big on macho and his brothers were everything. One of his brothers cut my hair once and snipped off a tiny part of my ear and I was called a sissy for crying. I was like 4 years old at the time which just seems cruel. So mom does not want us to be together anymore and I feel the same because of her comment about my breasts and my fear of what could come next. When she said my breasts were tumors I felt upset and I felt like I could have said many things back, but I told her that I would not because she is my mother. In the end though things have just been going south and it has only been 3 months. It is scary how things are deteriorating, but I think that things have been bad for a long time just her comment made me feel like I should not be around anymore. There is just about not balance in my life right now and it is hard to deal with people like I mentioned people say I should take care of my mother. I cannot even cook for her because she leaves for hours. It is also scary to think that people will think that I am bad because we are not together and that I am a bad 'son' for not taking care of her. I mean, I am probably bad too I mean no one is perfect.I have my flaws and if I cannot see it all clearly then I am sorry I really wish not to be a bad person???
QuoteWreck-It Ralph: I'm Bad, and that's good, I will never be good and that's not bad, there's no one Id rather be...than me.
She is a pretty independent woman anyway, but I am trying to cope with what people say and what is going on and what I should do. However, I really do feel that you cannot take care of someone who does not want to be taken care of. Sometimes I feel guilty for wanting to leave too and that I should stay to take care of mom, but she does not want to be around me. I just want things to hold together enough for a few more months so the transition can happen with out some huge verbal disaster again like what the tumor was. It's time to close this chapter of the book
and close it fast before it ends ugly
. That is just how I feel because you cannot be with someone who does not want to be around you and you cannot make someone like you who does not like you. it just does not work out that way. So I accept it and I am ready to transition... again? lol
