Meltdown and Serious Problems

[Ayala]

I feel hopeless. I feel intensely wrong where I am in life and I feel helpless to change anything. I am a 32 Year Old Male.  A United States Marine with 12 (8 to go for retirement) years in service and am a respectable leader to many Marines. A husband to a wonderful woman for 1 year as of February 14th with a previously failed marriage of 7 terrible years. I know my current wife is my soul mate. She completes everything I am... almost.

Ever since I can remember I have been nothing like the guys around me. I do everything I can to portray masculinity everything I can possibly do to never let out this secret that I am so afraid will escape. When I was only 12 years old I would beg to wake up a girl the next morning. I legitimately cried several nights. That never stopped all throughout my teenage years. Only when I joined the Marines did that feeling slowly move to sit idle in the back of my mind. Being a Marine has always given me a chance to travel and take my mind off of this pain inside. I became a leader in the Marines I am the "guy" that a lot of young men look up to but I am am not like any other guys. I well up during almost any movie happy or sad. I am empathetic, loving and I never fit in with any of the conversations of my peers unless I fake being interested. I have never felt like a man. Not once in my life.

Well for years I have been able to hold it back and tell myself it is okay and I can just go through life this way, keeping my mid occupied. Then recently while around friends (straight male friends) A guy literally hit on me and said I was pretty....... I nearly died. I immediately thought I was discovered. I obviously, being in the situation I was played it off the typical way a guy would. I was crushed. I still am to this very moment as I type this. Immediately after it occurred though several times my friends asked me if I was okay because I just couldn't talk... I couldn't think or comprehend what was going on around me. I couldnt tell you what was being sad as I just sat and spaced out completely. I've always wanted to be "pretty" I have always wanted to be something I can never be.

What do I do... I would lose my livelihood if I told them. The military will not re-enlist transgendered people. My wife. No one I know would ever have the slightest clue that this would even be a possibility. Also I don't understand my sexuality in regards to the way I feel. I feel like I am bisexual but the only aspect about being with a man that arouses me are between their legs... I have no attraction to men otherwise. What does that mean... I prefer women attraction wise, but sexually men and women equally and want desperately to be a woman because thats how I feel every single day?

Today was a scary day for me because I realized I have to make a decision that could ruin everything for me but fix who I am.

I have never felt depression like I feel now. I am kind of terrified of being like this forever.

Thank you for any support and advice you can give me. I hope this is not too hard to follow as well.

[Maid Marion]

First of all, gender and a sexual attraction are really two separate things. 

I'd suggest discussing this with your soul mate.

[LizK]

Dear Ayala

Welcome to Susan's. I hope you enjoy your time here.


I feel for your situation. Like many here I vowed to take my Trans secret to the grave...but found myself in a situation as you describe...one of mental anguish. Many of us have been hyper masculine in our job choices or hobbies. For me it was large motorcycles that I rode very fast and a whole set of overcompensating behaviours.

One of the places many of us start is by finding a therapist and just learning to talk about how we are feeling and trying to work out what we neer to do. Feeling the way you do does not mean the end of your life. Many of the guys and girls here have kept their old lives intact for the most part and have not had to make drastic changes. We are all different and need different things. I wish you joy of it and I hope you find what you need.

So you are able to get the very best from being here there are a couple of links we give to all our new members

Regards

Liz

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[Ayala]

Thank you Marion and Liz, I am sorry for any ignorance on my part. I have never spoke to anyone about this. This post was the first time. I need to make a change and I am just a bit scared. I want to be honest with my wife and I know 1 year is not a long time but I truely love her. She is open to the community but I don't know if she would be open to her own husband. I feel deceptive in opening up to her.

[KathyLauren]

Hi, Ayala, and welcome!

Many of us join the military to "man up" and play the role we were told was ours.  There is a thread around here somewhere called "Roll Call" where military and ex-military members can acknowledge each other.  It is one of the longer threads on the forum!

I am ex-military (RCAF), though I was long finished with my service when I came out.  But I can relate to what you posted about having to hide your real self. 

And I can relate to the fear of telling your spouse.  It is probably the scariest step of this journey, yet if you decide to transition, it has to be done.

At this stage, you really need to talk to someone to get clarity on what you want and how to go about it.  The best way is to talk to a gender therapist.  You are probably required to go through military channels for your health care, and getting a referral may "out" you to the brass.  (It shouldn't - confidentiality and all that - but you never know.)  If you feel that is a risk, you might need to see a private therapist, which would likely be at your own expense.  But talking about it with a professional is highly recommended.

Good luck, however you choose to go forward.

[LizK]

Hi Ayala

You don't know what you don't know. All I see is someone being really honest. have a look around the site and maybe you will find some stuff that helps you.

Take care

Liz

[Jennifer300]

Many here have been in similar situations and I am sure some will come along with sound thoughts on the issues.  I was enlisted for 12 years and had similar thoughts.  I was single so I didn't have a family to consider, and a really good job presented itself and I got out.  The day I got out, I shaved my legs and it was such a relief.  Sometimes just underdressing can help reduce the pressure, and many mens underwear is very similar to womens.  I wore womens underwear for a while, and found undertech mens underwear at meijers was almost identical yet gave me a leg to stand on if asked about it.  It is far deeper than clothing, but sometimes that may provide enough pressure relief to be able to deal with the rest.  You are in a tough spot with heavy consequences if you come out, and you cannot unring that bell once you do.  I feel for the transgender military people who came out after the military said it was ok now,then changed policy a few years later.  Talking about it here and gaining an understanding of your true nature may also relieve some of the anxiety.  Reading here about many who have been through similar situations can also help. 

   I am sure there are many things you will need to work out and it will take time.  Just know you are not alone, there are many people born transgender, and it is nothing you did or a choice you could make.  Current science points out to having testosterone for the fist part of pregnancy that made you male, then lack of it during the 2nd part while your brain was developing made your brain female.  I guess our creator likes variety. 

   I started Hormone Replacement Therapy or HRT a few weeks ago myself just to see if my brain having the right chemicals would help relieve my anxiety and Gender Dysphoria, it seems to be working well for me.  You have much to consider, and much to learn about yourself before coming out to anyone.  I suppose in your case surviving with it until you gain enough knowledge about being transgender and getting to know your true self might be key.  I don't know if you can see a Gender Therapist outside of the military, and if the medical records might be shared, or if it might compromise your security clearance.  If it is a secret you don't want out, many times they consider it a liability since someone could blackmail you.  It is a heavy burden to bear, but maybe being able to talk about it here may help you.  You are among friends and kindred spirits that understand more than most.  Again, Welcome. 

[Darlene]

Being a veteran & going thru a very similar situation . I totally understand, in the end. It will all be your decision. For me it came to the point that I had to start transitioning. Bottling things up can & will have ramifications. Good luck Marine

[Devlyn]

Welcome to Susan's Place! Thank you for your service, and here's a link to Roll Call!

See you around the site!

Hugs, Devlyn

[Northern Star Girl]

@Ayala
Dear Ayala:
     I am so very glad that you have become a member here and this is your very first posting.   I am happy to see that you found the Susan's Place Forums.

    As you post on the forums you will be able to exchange thoughts and comments with others that are experiencing many of the same things that you are.   I expect that you will be getting many members offering their thoughts and suggestions as you continue to post here. 

    This is the right place for you to be to find out what others may have to say that may have been in your circumstances and with your questions and concerns.
    There are a lot of members here that will be able to identify with your situation and as you continue to feel free to share with all of us.

    I see that our lovely member  @LizK  has already welcomed you here but I also want to warmly WELCOME you to Susan's Place. 
You will find this a safe and friendly place to share with others and to read about others similar trials, tribulations, and successes.

    As you are certainly aware you can share with others and involve yourself with some give and take with other like-minded members.  When frustrated or if you have successes you can share it here if you wish and receive support from others and offer support to others. ....
     ***There is a very good chance that you might find that you will make some new like-minded friends here. 

    Please come in and continue to be involved at your own pace.
   
    Our member  LizK  attached important and informative LINKS that will help you to navigate around the Forums and will allow you to enjoy the features here.     
Please look closely at the LINKS in RED, answers are there to many questions that new members ask.

Again, Welcome to Susan's Place.
Danielle

[Northern Star Girl]

@Ayala   
Oh, and another thing Ayala...
Please plan to write a post and tell us more about yourself in the Introductions Forum so that other members will be aware of your arrival... therefore you will be able to share your thoughts with more members here.
     
Thank you again for joining Susan's Place and being involved in the Forums here.
Best wishes to you,
Danielle
NOTE: Now after all of this Greeting Stuff I will let you have your thread back so you can pursue answers to your questions.
Other members here will certainly be along to give you their comments and suggestions that you may be seeking

[itsApril]

Don't panic, Ayala!  A lot of us have stood at the crossroads you find yourself at and feared for the worst.  Don't make any sudden decisions.  Take a deep breath, take your time, learn about stuff, and reason your way through this.  Don't doubt yourself.  You are the same person you have always been.  You will be okay!

What do I do... I would lose my livelihood if I told them. The military will not re-enlist transgendered people.

First things first.  Find out where the policy stands with USMC.  Although the Trump Administration wants to oust trans folks from the military, that's NOT how things stand at the moment.  Check HERE:

https://www.hrc.org/resources/transgender-military-service

"Despite the Trump-Pence Administration's attempt to enact a discriminatory ban on transgender military service, transgender service members are currently able to serve their country openly in every branch of the military. However, their careers remain at risk until legal challenges to the ban are resolved in federal courts."

This issue has been cooking in the military for a number of years.  Here are links to some good online background resource materials about military policy about trans members:

https://seattle.bibliocommons.com/list/share/520394509/1021970268

Read up on these and find out the rules for the field you're playing on!

Next: Take up Devlyn's suggestion and review the "Roll Call" thread at https://www.susans.org/forums/index.php/topic,96755.0.html

It will seriously BLOW YOUR MIND when you see how many people, veterans and active duty alike, have stood exactly where you are right now.  You can learn a lot from their experience.

My wife. No one I know would ever have the slightest clue that this would even be a possibility. Also I don't understand my sexuality in regards to the way I feel. I feel like I am bisexual but the only aspect about being with a man that arouses me are between their legs... I have no attraction to men otherwise. What does that mean... I prefer women attraction wise, but sexually men and women equally and want desperately to be a woman because thats how I feel every single day?

Don't be surprised that you love and desire your wife, even though you have trans feelings!  Society tries in lots of ways to force everyone into a simple binary choice:  Male?  You have to love women.  Female?  You have to love men.  That's NOT how it works.  Human beings are complicated.  Love, attraction, and desire are WAY complicated!

Depending on what happens, there may be bumpy patches ahead with your wife.  But your love for her is a good thing.  As long as you love her and she loves you, the two of you will be able to make the right decisions, whatever they may be.  Remember: even if you decide to go forward along the trans path, you will still be the same person.  You are not "turning into" someone else.

If you look around some of the threads here on Susan's you will find lots of folks who transitioned successfully while remaining married.  And also, other people who ended up separating from a spouse, but nevertheless found the way to an amicable resolution.

I became a leader in the Marines I am the "guy" that a lot of young men look up to but I am am not like any other guys. I well up during almost any movie happy or sad. I am empathetic, loving and I never fit in with any of the conversations of my peers unless I fake being interested. I have never felt like a man. Not once in my life.

I don't think it's well understood in the military, which depends on a strongly hierarchical system of leadership and authority, but there's MORE THAN ONE WAY to be a LEADER.  My guess is that your emotional sensitivity and a loving, empathetic nature are a big part of what makes you a success in leadership, even though you probably won't find those qualities featured in USMC leadership manuals.

Don't panic!  This isn't the end.  It may be a beginning.

[KimOct]

Hi Ayala, I am glad you found this place.  Finding your authentic self and also finding the courage to live it is a journey. You are in the early steps of this journey but they are important.  Wanting to live as your real self is a challenge.

As a Marine you are taught to be courageous and put the needs of the mission and your brothers in arms first.

This journey will require a different type of courage but make no mistake it will take courage.  A lot of it.

Read my signature line.

A friend of mine was a coast guard commander and captain of a vessel.  She resigned due to the current political climate, I am not in any way suggesting that you do that now or even necessarily in the future.  Instead I think you need to do some exploration and find some support to help you find your way.

This is a good place to start.

[Ayala]

Ladies I want to Thank You,

I can't express how opening up to you beautiful women has changed my future and who I am. Before opening up here I could only compare my self compressed reconciliation to delirium and possibly outright insanity. I came to you broken as many before me have and although I am still not whole I have surely found the materials I so desperately needed to mend and reconstruct. My problems were not so simple and seemingly my choices were few. However the power of this forum and the vast shared knowledge through experience and lifetimes of overcoming struggle has made light work of my problems.

As I mentioned earlier I fear losing everything I have worked so hard for. I don't have to...

I will be with the Marines for two more years and accept an early retirement as part of a program I read about here that just so happened to be reinstated recently.

These years wont be wasted. There are plenty of things I can do as I have come to learn.

I have contacted a therapist. I have began a 1 year plan to reduce my body weight by 30-35 lbs losing muscle before starting HRT. I will not wait any longer than a year from now to begin GET regardless of my position as a Marine. If this means losing my early retirement I realise life will continue forth.

Best of all I have opened up to my wife. She just loves me for my soul and even seemed to have ideas of how this could bring us close I.E. my wife is obsessed with make-up and would love for me to share that quality... who knew (I don't but I imagine I won't turn down lessons).

I have a long path ahead of me and I hope to share it with you all. I can't say thank you enough for responding to me.

[itsApril]

Good morning, Ayala!

It's good to know you've got your feet back on the ground and you're taking positive, well-reasoned steps forward.  You're going to be able to plan and work your way through this!

Looking back in our own lives, many of the MTF folks here realize that we burned up a lot of mental effort and emotional energy year after year to repress our trans selves and maintain the pretense of the male persona we were socialized into as we grew up.  In fact, we were so busy for years maintaining that identity that we weren't even aware of how much of our lives was consumed by trying to "project" a male/masculine image to the world.

So here's a good thing you are likely to discover: Recognizing and coming to peace with your trans self is likely to free up a lot of time and emotional energy that will now be available to you to put to productive use.

Keep us posted on how things go!

Best of all I have opened up to my wife. She just loves me for my soul and even seemed to have ideas of how this could bring us close

Lucky you!  Lucky her!

[Jennifer300]

Having support from a spouse can be unbelievably beneficial.  You don't have to feel guilty about becoming someone they can't accept, and don't have the guilt of hurting them.  Going out on a short vacation out of town as girlfriends, well, that's just a bonus.   

There is a book called "Warrior Princess" about a Navy Seal that came out as a transgender woman.  Amazon carries it on Kindle for about $10.  If a Navy Seal can do it, well, it doesn't get more masculine than that.

There is a youtube channel called the transition channel that has a mental health professional who had a boyfriend who came out as transgender.  They split up later for other reasons, but she realized that there were few out there and made a channel on youtube explaining many of the questions you will likely have in a clear way.  I recommend watching her, it helped me a lot.