I knew when I first started thinking about transition again after purging once my husband announced his intentions to divorce that things had changed since I'd last done research, but I had no idea how
much things have changed. Terminology, etiquette, you name it.
And wow, there's even a surgeon in my area! That was a shocker to me, but a welcome one. I hope to attend a talk this weekend with someone that had gone to him.
Voice coaching was also not as popular when I first transitioned as it is now. After visiting with someone yesterday that had gone to coaching, I'm pretty sure I could benefit. I've also been reading about some software and apps that might help.
I hate that I'd purged, but I had to find out more about myself. I could not afford therapy but hope to start again, soon. I also hope to get back on HRT in the next week or so. My last GP would not prescribe E to me as I was living in a male role and he had religious or cultural objections to it, so it's been a while. Boy, have I noticed!
I guess I should really say something about myself...I've been married as a man and as a woman, to a woman and a man! I didn't even know that I could be attracted to a man until after I started HRT the first time. Kinda got me in trouble with a friend. I'm sorry my emotions took me there back then.
My wife had accepted my announcement when I made it back in the late 90s with an open heart. Her beliefs quickly turned her against me and at a certain point, I decided I would purge (my first) and try her church. I went in all the way but quickly decided that the church path was not for me. We maintained a relationship for a couple of years but it was deteriorating fast. After taking on six foster children, four girls and two boys, I couldn't contain myself anymore. I saw the girls, who ranged from 10-20, being themselves, living their everyday lives. I needed that for myself, so I announced my intentions again to my wife and that was pretty much the end of our relationship.
Moved back in with mom and dad, gradually transitioned, and while my dad had a few issues at first (honestly, so did my mom), I eventually met my husband online and he moved here within a few months. We lived together for several years until "same-sex" marriage was legal and did so immediately.
I could tell something was wrong as soon as our wedding day, though. He was not as happy as I thought he'd be. No one has a perfect relationship, so there were arguments all along, but they became more and more frequent. By this time I had been out of therapy for a while and nearly off of psych meds. When he told me he wanted a divorce, the next day I transitioned back to male. I'd been a hermit, anyway. I was afraid to walk out my front door. I didn't really care if I was ever injured or killed, but what I feared the most was ridicule. I still do. I do enough of that to myself, already. I don't need anyone else doing it to me.
The last couple of years I've been looking into options. In the last few months, I've been thinking of starting therapy again to explore my true feelings rather than just rely on my gut reactions. Part of me wants to stand on my rooftop and exclaim my womanhood. Part of me wants to live a non-binary life so I can freely express myself as I really am, while still allowing myself to partake in my more masculine hobbies. Hey, I built up decades of interests and knowledge in certain subjects, why throw all of that away, right?
I'm not a frilly dress and makeup kinda girl...most of the time. Who doesn't like to get dolled up from time to time? I'm more of a t-shirt and jeans type. Leggings would be nice, too, if I didn't have certain concerns.
I've taken my first steps back into my own life (the life I can own, myself) recently. I'm nervous. I have many, many fears, but I'm hoping with support and therapy that I'll be able to overcome those and finally, truly be myself.
Does anyone else feel like they've worn so many masks throughout their lives that they're not completely sure who the
real you is? It's how I've always felt, even when I thought I
was being the
real me.
