Saying 'Hi'

[JimenaCurious]

Where do I start? I'm in my fifties and to the world, very much a 'bloke'. A nice bloke, actually. Much loved by my family, good place in my social group, not doing too bad at work, etc, ect.  Life ought to be sweet...

But behind the body hair is me. If I'd been born in the internet era, I think I'd be a transitioned woman now. I really do. However, I've successfully built up a 'traditional' bloke out of the girly bits I know I've been dealt with. And there lies the issue that I guess is all too familiar. Lots of 'high blokey' lifestyle choices: army, motorbikes, outdoor pursuits, etc. Yet I found myself surrounded by women friends, being known as 'understanding and emotional', and even ended up as a primary teacher. Sigh.

I've considered myself a transvestite for long enough, and due to the eurphoria of 'quick fixes' know I've made some unfortunate links between emotional and sexual responses. But deep down, I know. The 'urge' is way beyond the quick fix that has followed me my whole life.

So, here I am. Married almost 30 years. Loyal and unable to tear my soul mates heart apart. I came out about 25 years ago, and had a few good times with me indulging my true self - but she got scared that I wanted to be a 'woman' and in the heat of moment, I lied and said I could control 'it'. Instead I buried it. And back into the closet I sat.

I'm fed up of the roller coaster I'm on, but I don't know what to do next...

I'm planning on seeking some face to face support, I did so years ago but it didn't really help. Maybe things have moved on?

In the mean time, I recently reduced my hours at work and have some time to be me once a week.

I've also started to look at herbal supplements to see if they will nudge me one way or the other - I guess a lot of us here are still on the cusp - Will I take the blue pill or the red pill?? As Morpheus might say!

Not sure what I want off this site, but reading through the threads, there is a lot of wisdom. Maybe I'll learn something about myself or make some new friends.

Look forward to hearing from you,

Jimena x

(I recently chose this name Jimena after looking at names that meant 'curious'. The urban dictionary states: "She is a very rebellious girl, doesn't follow rules, she makes her own. She will easily fall for anyone, she tries not to get attached to people, knowing that one day they will depart. Jimena Is a very loving girl she will be by your side all the time, even though she feels as if no one is by hers." So there you go!)

[LunaLeigh]

Welcome Jimena!

I'm in my 40's and just (re?) discovering myself. It's never too late to be yourself.

Let's see how deep this rabbit hole goes, shall we?

*Hugs*

-Skylar

Sent from my Pixel 3 using Tapatalk

[pamelatransuk]

Hello Jimena and welcome to this wonderful website.

I have also always known and buried and suppressed just like you and only took action when the transgender problem became so dominant aged 62. I sought gender therapy followed by HRT and BHR (Body Hair Removal by Laser and Electrolysis) and will be publicly transitioning in Summer aged 64.

I suggest you try gender therapy (as opposed to general counselling) and see where that leads. I never married myself but I would also suggest you let your wife know of your latest feelings and that you are considering and/or attending therapy.

I wish you resolution and happiness whichever routes you choose to take.

Hugs

Pamela

[CynthiaAnn]

Welcome Jimena 

Lot's of us "late bloomers" about, I started my journey at the young age of 51, and life is wonderful now at 60. Having a therapist to work things out with is a great asset, also reaching out here online with others is a great step to take. I agree with you there is a lot of wisdom to be found here.

I hope you enjoy your time with us

Hugs

Cynthia -

[KathyLauren]

Hi, Jimena.

I can so relate to how you feel!  I am 64, and only figured it out after I turned 60.  Before that, like you, I was the typical "nice guy".  I was in the Air Force for a few years, rode a motorcycle for a while, had a beard for most of my adult life.  All the things we do to hide our true identity.  I got married, but have no kids.

Definitely seek out a gender therapist.  A general therapist is better than nothing, but they could steer you wrong if they don't have expertise in dealing with gender dysphoria.

Definitely include your wife in your plans.  She deserves to have as much information as possible about what is going on with you.  I won't lie to you: it is a gamble.  Many spouses find the transition of their partner is too much to handle and leave.  But many don't.  Many, like mine, realize that the person they married has not gone away, and is in fact becoming happier and easier to live with.  I knew I had chosen well when I married her, and she came through for me when I needed her to.  I hope that you have the same luck.

[Maddie]

Hi Jimena, welcome!
Maybe the fact you told your spouse about your true self 25 years ago can help now?  Even though you say you lied when you told her that you could control it.  By burying it out of her notice, you did control it to a degree, because she was fearful. Even if calming her fear was only part of your reason, that still sounds like a sacrifice you made and I think that counts for something too!
It sounds like you have put yourself aside for so many years, and that you really did try to be a man. I hope that their are people in your life who will accept both you and your choices, and that you won't need to feel ashamed or unsure about who you are anymore

[Dorit]

Jimena, I don't think you "lied" to you spouse when you said you could control it 25 years ago.   You really believed you could.  I guess you could call me a late-late bloomer,  beginning full time transition at 70.   I too thought I could control it, keep it at home between me and a totally accepting spouse. My journey of self acceptance began with a gifted gender therapist and the experience of living a guilt free and shame free life.  I don't believe we have anything to feel guilty or shameful about, but old internalized attitudes can take time to be released from.  This is a good place to be.

[JimenaCurious]

Thank you for the kind words of support, all.

It's lovely to know I'm not alone...

I'm still looking for someone to turn to, and I may try my GP for a first chat. Life and job won't allow for a full tranforation, but I need to sort my head out first - my body can wait a bit longer!

I shaved my beard off last week - so I'm sure my wife is wondering if it has anything to do with my femme side. I had a mini-meltdown on her shoulder last year, sobbed like a child and told her 'she' is still very much there. She's not daft! I just can't quite see her with the real me. She enjoys my blokiness too much!

That said, this is a real step - beard free and the house to myself once a week is a start. I have some new outfits, shoes, make-up etc and plan to let Jimena out of my head to see if I really am who I think I am.

Thanks again for the kind words- it was nice to log on read the responses.

xxx