Marriage troubles

[ChelseaAnn]

Hello all,

I haven't been on here in a while, but I have some marital issues right now.

Short background, I came out to my wife 5.5 years ago, and the plan right now is to wait for my apprenticeship to be over (3 years from now), and then I'll start HRT.

Anyway, we've been having some tension between the two of us lately. A lot of it. We recently went to Disney on a two week vacation, and near the end of it my wife said that it has been a "real eye opener" for her, and the state of our marriage. (not a positive remark) Things seem to be getting worse. Last week she blindsided with the remark that someday she'd have to raise the kids alone, and I asked her what she meant. She stated that she wasn't sure she could be married to a woman. This has always been a concern, which I understand. I gave her an out when I first came out, but she chose to stay.

Just after this remark, she asked me what would happen if I couldn't transition. As of a serious conversation 2 years ago, this has never been an option. We both agreed I would transition when my apprenticeship was over. It has been a long wait and the idea of not transitioning puts me in a dark place. It happens every time she asks me that, which is once or twice a year.

I am wondering if my subconscious is pissed off about these comments. There has been a lot of tension this past week. Stupid yelling, dumb arguments over little things. I'm guilty of doing it but so is she, though I get a lot of the blame because I'm usually the first to yell.

I feel like divorce is inevitable. I have no one to talk to. I don't want to worry my parents, her parents are unsupportive of my transition, we have all the same friends, and she won't do counseling. If I go alone, then she'll pull an I told you so, saying she knew I had a problem or didn't love her or something. The last time I went to counseling without her knowing was right before I came out. And she has a serious trust issue over me because of that.

I don't know what to do. My brain is constantly in preparation mode for divorce. There are thoughts about what is going to be different when it happens, how often I'll get to see my 2 sons, how far away they'll be, if I'm capable of living on my own and being safe as a trans woman. It's enough to make me cry sometimes when I'm flooded with the thoughts.

What's worse is I haven't been working (since January 3rd), and I finally got called back in to work night shift. We've already had an argument about my sleeping during the day. Me blowing up is probably inevitable too, because the last time I was on 3rd shift, I ended up getting fired because I fell asleep at work too often, because I was doing sleep patterns that my wife wanted me too, not ones that I needed. I mentioned me staying up Saturday night really late so I could sleep Sunday a lot (so I am rested for Sunday night and not pulling a full 24 hours being awake). The first thing out of her mouth was "now I'm not going to see you at all Sunday?!" I just don't know how much more of that I can take.

She is constantly doing things to save time and money, but she gets angry when things aren't done right. I can't do things properly without spending time and money on it, but I get blamed when things don't go correctly. I'm so lost anymore.

Sorry for ranting and being all over the place.

[F_P_M]

i'm so sorry to hear all this.

I'm not sure I have any real viable advice. I'm also TERRIFIED of transition losing me friends, family, my partner. It's a big deal and it's really scary.

But ultimately, from a purely kinda devil's advocate perspective I look at it like this: If not transitioning is an idea that puts you in a dark place, what sort of a spouse would you be down the line anyway?
The resentment will build, it'll grow and it'll fester into something far more toxic.
Not transitioning will not save your marriage, it's likely to just make things worse. A miserable spouse is a terrible spouse after all.

It is very sad your wife cannot support you, it very much sounds to me like she's hoping it's a phase or you'll forget about it or change your mind which is honestly pretty niave and pretty dang selfish of her.

No, we can't expect our partners to remain by our side when something so big changes but you would hope they wouldn't be cruel and that they'd at least give a good go. Do you think she's willing to at least attempt it?

Have you spoken to a counciller about the problems you're having? Does she want to work at it? Do you?
It could be worth speaking to a professional as honestly, marriage is hard in any case and things like transition is a HUGE strain on top of that.

You might not make it through together and that is profoundly sad, but unfortunately that's life. And it's not your fault, it's not her fault, it's just how life goes sometimes. Remember that please. Whatever happens, remember that.

You are right though, the little things setting you off suggests cracks in the foundation.

I would suggest talking, sincerely, honestly, openly about the future, about hopes and fears, about what happens if she can't "live with a woman" even. If you can't do that without an argument, a counciller to act as a mediator could really help those conversations. Communication is so important in a relationship and so often we sort of.. bottle things up because we don't want to admit to stuff or because we don't want to be seen as "the bad guy". This goes for both sides, there's a lot going unsaid and while it might be painful to hear or to say, it needs to be said.

I do wish you the best of luck and I hope you get support through this. It breaks my heart to see so many of these stories playing out. I suppose i'm one of those hopeless romantics who prefers to believe that love conquers all, even if in reality, things are never that simple.

You'll get through this no matter what. It might be hard, it might be upsetting, but you are STRONG. All of us have to be to come out, to actually acknowledge that side of ourselves and the bravery required to forge ahead with it? You are strong and you will continue to be a strong woman okay?

I think you're amazing being able to delay things so long. That suggests incredible strength and patience. I mean I tip my hat to you and I really hope and pray that patience pays off in the long term.

[Kirsteneklund7]

Hello all,

I haven't been on here in a while, but I have some marital issues right now.

Short background, I came out to my wife 5.5 years ago, and the plan right now is to wait for my apprenticeship to be over (3 years from now), and then I'll start HRT.

Anyway, we've been having some tension between the two of us lately. A lot of it. We recently went to Disney on a two week vacation, and near the end of it my wife said that it has been a "real eye opener" for her, and the state of our marriage. (not a positive remark) Things seem to be getting worse. Last week she blindsided with the remark that someday she'd have to raise the kids alone, and I asked her what she meant. She stated that she wasn't sure she could be married to a woman. This has always been a concern, which I understand. I gave her an out when I first came out, but she chose to stay.

Just after this remark, she asked me what would happen if I couldn't transition. As of a serious conversation 2 years ago, this has never been an option. We both agreed I would transition when my apprenticeship was over. It has been a long wait and the idea of not transitioning puts me in a dark place. It happens every time she asks me that, which is once or twice a year.

I am wondering if my subconscious is pissed off about these comments. There has been a lot of tension this past week. Stupid yelling, dumb arguments over little things. I'm guilty of doing it but so is she, though I get a lot of the blame because I'm usually the first to yell.

I feel like divorce is inevitable. I have no one to talk to. I don't want to worry my parents, her parents are unsupportive of my transition, we have all the same friends, and she won't do counseling. If I go alone, then she'll pull an I told you so, saying she knew I had a problem or didn't love her or something. The last time I went to counseling without her knowing was right before I came out. And she has a serious trust issue over me because of that.

I don't know what to do. My brain is constantly in preparation mode for divorce. There are thoughts about what is going to be different when it happens, how often I'll get to see my 2 sons, how far away they'll be, if I'm capable of living on my own and being safe as a trans woman. It's enough to make me cry sometimes when I'm flooded with the thoughts.

What's worse is I haven't been working (since January 3rd), and I finally got called back in to work night shift. We've already had an argument about my sleeping during the day. Me blowing up is probably inevitable too, because the last time I was on 3rd shift, I ended up getting fired because I fell asleep at work too often, because I was doing sleep patterns that my wife wanted me too, not ones that I needed. I mentioned me staying up Saturday night really late so I could sleep Sunday a lot (so I am rested for Sunday night and not pulling a full 24 hours being awake). The first thing out of her mouth was "now I'm not going to see you at all Sunday?!" I just don't know how much more of that I can take.

She is constantly doing things to save time and money, but she gets angry when things aren't done right. I can't do things properly without spending time and money on it, but I get blamed when things don't go correctly. I'm so lost anymore.

Sorry for ranting and being all over the place.

My thoughts are with you. I know its not easy right now. What ever happens I bet there is the chance to be in your childrens lives.

Kind regards, Kirsten.

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[Alice (nym)]

My wife blows hot and cold all the time... one week she's supportive the next she's not.

I recommend finding a local trans group that can give you some support so that if things do go for the worse, you at least have a support network to help you out. My group is absolutely awesome but I understand not everyone is as lucky as me in that regard.

For me, my wife would need to leave me, I am not going to be the one that walks out on my family. But if it becomes unbearable for you, then you need to think of your own wellbeing too.

I can only really offer my support and that you will always have people here to give you advice and support you but it would benefit you to be able to start establishing a network of trans people in real life.

At first my wife hated my trans group because she believed that my need to transition was because of pressure from them (they've never pressured me into anything), but now that she's seen the change in me for the better, she thinks the trans group is one of the best things to have happened in our marriage. I still have bad days but after a meeting I am on a buzz and she can talk to me easily and we can have a good sit down chat about lots of issues - not just trans things. We are talking more often than we have done in years.

Sorry I can't be any more helpful than that. But have a look around and ask on here if need be, to find your local group and I hope they are as awesome as the group I attend.

love
Alice

[RetroTS]

Hi Chelsea!

Has your wife always been like this? Was she like this before you came out?

[Rachel]

Hello, I m sorry you are going through this. I know how difficult it is and wish I could say or do something to make it better.

About 50% of marriages end in divorce. People divorce for a lot of reasons. People change a little every day. In time if a couple does not grow together then they grow apart. Yes, being trans adds a little extra into the everyday mix.

Is your intent to fully transition? Can she have relations with another woman? Do you want to have relations with another woman? If not can the marriage survive? If not then make plans to divorce.

Work and children are separate issues.

When you start to transition is another issue. You can start with blockers and low dose E and when comfortable increase the E.

Staying together or separating has to be based an what both of you want. If you are going to transition and your wife can not accept this and will be a mean person then do you want a household based in hostility influencing your children?

You and your wife need to have fact based conversations on what you two can tolerate and what you can not tolerate. If need be it should be mediated with a councilor. There is no need to be living in a miserable condition for the rest of your lives. Either the two of you will grow together or apart.

So the turmoil within is because you have a conflict. I recommend you focus on the marriage conflict and only that. Resolve that issue with cool compassionate hearts. HRT is a different issue, what you choose is your choice ( your body your choice). If your wife decides that is a breaking point and you feel you need HRT then that one issue provides clarity of the future.

I hope this helps and I wish your marriage luck and I am sorry you have to go through this.

[Dani]

My marriage of 40 plus years ended last month. I never planned for a divorce, but when it happens, things just seem to work out one way or another. 

No matter what the terms of settlement are, nobody wins. This is just one of the many costs of a married person going through transition.

[krobinson103]

As much as I hoped my marriage would last it couldn't survive transition. If I had transitioned at the pace she preferred I'd be dead plain and simple. This should could never get her head around. If someone had demanded I wait 2-3 years I could not have done that so you are strong indeed.

All you can do is look inside and ask yourself what do you NEED and how much are you willing to compromise? If she can't compromise equally then its time to rethink the parameters of the partnership. At the end of the day we need to be able to live with ourselves... whatever that requires.

[ChelseaAnn]

Overall, my wife has been pretty supportive. Sadly, its really that final step that will likely be the problem. Not to mention additional non-trans related issues. We both have things we tell the other they could do better at changing to be a better person, but neither of us ever does. I get told all the time I haven't tried to change things (temper, being patient with the kids, etc), but I have told her things I don't care for and nothing happens either. But I keep my mouth shut  or she freaks.

Like I said I think its inevitable, and i guess we'll just enjoy the time we have. I refuse to be the one who walks or I know I'll never see my kids. And, as I stated in a previous post, my in laws are pretty much going to disown me once I start my transition. At least I have my friends and my own family.

The thing that keeps killing me is my wife wanting to move. Financially it's not even a possibility, but she wants to move back to her home state, near her family. I don't think I need to tell everyone why I am 100% against this idea.

And, I still haven't even mentioned I want Gender Correction Surgery.

[Ricki Wright]

I am sorry. It dose sound like she is retreating back to a safe space where she has family support. The question now becomes if you were just to move her and the kids, would you be in a better place financially? Emotionally? It appears that she is doing what she feels is best for her. Perhaps it is time for you to do something similar. I do not know why you believe you will never see your kids again. If that truly is the case, count the days until they are adults and can see them again, take a LOT of photos, and believe.

Alternatively, move back, be there for your kids, make sure your family is taken care of and move on with what you need to do as if she was supporting you. If that means you need to figure out the cost of moving back and keeping that monetary goal on the fridge and saving for it, so be it. If she wants to move back that badly, she will make it happen. I still recommend lots of photos as you never know when someone will give her money for plane tickets for her and the kids. Trust me: I know.


Ricki

[DawnOday]

I have a similar situation. I've shown my wife the research, Whether she reads it or not is not my choice. I've also told her about the close calls I had when I was hiding. The worst secret is that my mother caught me crossdressing. Not at seven but thirty-five. She always told us we don't love her and she was going to walk in front of a car. The irony is not lost on me as the next week she was run over and killed.

[jkredman]

Hello all,

I haven't been on here in a while, but I have some marital issues right now.

Short background, I came out to my wife 5.5 years ago, and the plan right now is to wait for my apprenticeship to be over (3 years from now), and then I'll start HRT.

Anyway, we've been having some tension between the two of us lately. A lot of it. We recently went to Disney on a two week vacation, and near the end of it my wife said that it has been a "real eye opener" for her, and the state of our marriage. (not a positive remark) Things seem to be getting worse. Last week she blindsided with the remark that someday she'd have to raise the kids alone, and I asked her what she meant. She stated that she wasn't sure she could be married to a woman. This has always been a concern, which I understand. I gave her an out when I first came out, but she chose to stay.

Just after this remark, she asked me what would happen if I couldn't transition. As of a serious conversation 2 years ago, this has never been an option. We both agreed I would transition when my apprenticeship was over. It has been a long wait and the idea of not transitioning puts me in a dark place. It happens every time she asks me that, which is once or twice a year.

I am wondering if my subconscious is pissed off about these comments. There has been a lot of tension this past week. Stupid yelling, dumb arguments over little things. I'm guilty of doing it but so is she, though I get a lot of the blame because I'm usually the first to yell.

I feel like divorce is inevitable. I have no one to talk to. I don't want to worry my parents, her parents are unsupportive of my transition, we have all the same friends, and she won't do counseling. If I go alone, then she'll pull an I told you so, saying she knew I had a problem or didn't love her or something. The last time I went to counseling without her knowing was right before I came out. And she has a serious trust issue over me because of that.

I don't know what to do. My brain is constantly in preparation mode for divorce. There are thoughts about what is going to be different when it happens, how often I'll get to see my 2 sons, how far away they'll be, if I'm capable of living on my own and being safe as a trans woman. It's enough to make me cry sometimes when I'm flooded with the thoughts.

What's worse is I haven't been working (since January 3rd), and I finally got called back in to work night shift. We've already had an argument about my sleeping during the day. Me blowing up is probably inevitable too, because the last time I was on 3rd shift, I ended up getting fired because I fell asleep at work too often, because I was doing sleep patterns that my wife wanted me too, not ones that I needed. I mentioned me staying up Saturday night really late so I could sleep Sunday a lot (so I am rested for Sunday night and not pulling a full 24 hours being awake). The first thing out of her mouth was "now I'm not going to see you at all Sunday?!" I just don't know how much more of that I can take.

She is constantly doing things to save time and money, but she gets angry when things aren't done right. I can't do things properly without spending time and money on it, but I get blamed when things don't go correctly. I'm so lost anymore.

Sorry for ranting and being all over the place.

First of all, I'm sorry you're having to deal with this.  If it's any consolation, I'm in the exact same boat.

The thing that has probably given me/us a chance is the therapy.   We are both working with the same therapy practice as individuals and as a couple.

I read recently that the transition process in a relationship is sometimes two steps forward and one step back AND, at times one step forward and two steps back.

I just know I'm living it right now.

When we come out, we set off a WMD, in the relationships.   Our partner will eventually experience all the phases of grief.  My therapist encourages me to be understanding and supportive of her grieving process.  For me that has meant, temporarily reverting to a more male presentation.


If you two don't have a therapist or therapists to talk to, find someone.  And, of course, stay positive; and if you're so inclined, pray.

I know I'm praying a lot these days.

Kate


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