First I have to say that I renamed my name from Purplewisp to Stacy so it's still me! And I feel the need to share more. So that's it.
Quote from: Rae321 on April 02, 2019, 01:39:51 PM
Im sorry you cant embrace your inner woman more. I would like to say 'you should move some place thats more open' but we should all know thats not always an option and often its impossible so know that from however far away it is from here to there im rooting for you and i see you ( like namaste see you). <3
I thank you for this. When I came here, I had the feeling that everyone was transitioning. I felt alone and isolated. No one has been rude with me, but I felt that I was not worthy of the same attention, since I was not doing the whole thing. How could I complaint or express sadness while some are going through rough times during transition? Like if they need support much more than me. I felt having no courage, or far from the stunning one that a lot of people here are expressing. I was afraid of being judged for not transitioning, be rejected or seen as not deserving much time and attention.
In my teen years I got bullied so much that I left school and life in general (I finished school later). And it was even not about being trans. They never needed a "big" reason to push someone in hell to the very limits. I lived out of this world for many years, isolated. I've been on antidepressants since then, for anxiety and depression, and always seen people as scary somehow, because they are often mean and unpredictable. I can hardly stand judgement, I'm too sensitive, I cannot block them of affecting me. I can imagine things just by seeing eyes of others, not being paranoid but ready to get something bad. It took a lot of years to be able to be more myself and less like others want me to be and feel more confident, and be less affected by what they can think about me. So I'm not a good candidate for transition and I also don't live in a good place for this. I don't know how far I will be able to be myself. But I still hope to be seen as valid here, transitioning or not. I hope I don't offend anyone by not going in the whole thing. I try to live like I can, I'm still happy for the minimum I can get, and I'm also happy to be here. And felt understood.
While I'm still envying cis females, I enjoy every bits of feeling female as much as I can. And I'm even more happy if I can inspire others to do the same, to feel and live it. I've never denied to be a girl, but it was so natural I guess, that I was doing things without really thinking about it. I think I was 8 or 9 when I tried to put my sister's clothes on and I remember clearly that I was not feeling anything special about the thought of doing it, at the exception that it was without her permission. I was not aware of myself. I was like doing things blindly. I looked at myself and I don't remember a weird or bad feeling, I just remember that I liked it, that it was beautiful and a feeling of "they (girls) are lucky to have the right to put on beautiful things like those". Then a more general feeling "they are lucky to be beautiful". Even as a kid, I knew my thoughts and doing were not "normal", but I've not changed my kid's mind anyway and I had no idea of what was going on. I just knew that it was to be keep secret. I felt girls to be sacred, gifted by nature to be as they are, and privileged by everyone for their status. Being so young, even if they were without breasts, any makeup, out of any sexual context and out of any "woman" context, I was envying them already. I was not aware if I was the only one to be like that or not.
Later at 13 my best friend asked me why sometimes I was acting like a girl. I was surprised, "I do this? I don't know, I'm just me, I never really noticed". He thought I was gay, but there was no chance. I was already loving girls deeply. One time we had to play an actor role. And I got to do the girl, it has fallen on me. Boys would feel embarrassed if it was them, no boy wanted such a role, except me. It was my first intensive experience to feel female, the acting wanted me to be treated as a girl with all the setup so everything was in place. Scenes were around a new love awakening, getting closer with very light touch and no real kissing. I felt extremely good, it was very powerful, and without any sexual response. After all the play was with boys. The main power was coming from inside, and outside for them treating me like a girl. I felt like if for the first time, I was real entirely. Like suddenly having a third lung, that I was even not aware to exist. It was powerfully emotional, and I felt it all around, like bathing in a colorful cloud of femininity. For the first time in a little time window of my life, I was near as fully me, and seen somehow the same by others. Tasting harmony that would change my life. But another thing was wonderful. They said, in a serious way and being impressed: "you're really good doing girl roles. It's looking so natural on you. How you do that? It's almost if you are a girl for real" In that instant I don't realized it, neither they realized it too, but humankind at this second exposed me as a trans girl and not only accepted it but seen it as a wonderful thing. The statement for me today is simple, it can be understood like that : "You're a girl, and you're beautiful" Even if it was not their words, they had no idea how deep their original words touched me, I was surprised of the power myself. I felt so good that I managed to play a girl role again, I provoked it two other times, rejecting boy roles and eventually people got suspicious. Why this obstinacy to be a girl? The answer was so obvious, isn't it? Like flowers growing at the return of the summer. So obvious that a young kid would guess it, by deduction, having no society filters. Their hearts are so pure and their minds so clean and simple. Like my last holidays in Montreal in downtown, where a little girl with her dad decided to choose me on sidewalk from all other people, run for me and hug me tight with a big smile, just like that, like if life was sending to me a message. Internet was barely there, and the elementary school content was not covering the trans topic, neither at high school (end of 90s). So people thought I was gay, without any more thinking. I had no idea myself of what was to be trans, so I was not seeing myself female in a conscious way, I was just seeing me to be very weird. But I knew what I want, where I felt so good. Life offered me a preview, a clear gift. "See yourself. And remember how you felt. You will understand later." One funny thing, the sister of my best friend was obviously having a crush for me, and was totally in my girl role, helping, following, offering anything I may need, even wanting to play herself at my side. I don't know how far she cared about me being a girl, but it may be a wink of life about what is possible.
I ended hanging with boys less and less, seeking more female friends. People say girls are complex and complicated, but I felt them simpler in many ways, and felt always better with them, it was easier to be myself, and I was feeling good instead of being with boys. I was very shy, very emotional, having no interest in boy things at all. Sports, cars, mechanic, wrestling and competition, all this bored me deeply. Their way to treat girls also disgusted me, more and more through teen years. As any teen, I wanted to be accepted and "normal", so I pushed myself to be boyish and guess what, now I had a real feeling to be an actor. It was completely fake, and I knew I could not do it forever. Girls took my female essence to be simply personality traits that they liked very much, they liked that I defend them, that I give them power and put them high, empowering their own femininity. They were seeing me as a very special boy, a sum of very positive things. Some boys said I had a harem, and asked me how I do to be surrounded of girls. I said "it's not a harem, they are my friends, and being with them is a privilege, not a right. I don't treat them like
>-bleeped-< or sexual objects, and they don't treat me like that either." But for most of boys, a friendship with a girl was impossible or a pretext to have more. I was not getting "all" the girls, in fact my shyness made things very difficult. But I got precious female friends and some new appeared with time, and I dropped those treating me like a toy pretty fast. I felt what girls felt, being used. And I've been even more protective for them after.
One friendship evolved after 2 years in true love. I had severe anxiety and depression issues and I left school at this time, I was 17, and she got too overwhelmed by all this so she ran away. Passing to college, I lost several of my female friends, or they changed, and my isolation was not doing me any good to keep them. Then I met one very special girl that changed my life in huge ways. But I've told this story already. My body destroyed everything. But the changes she has made to me are still very in effect, very powerful, woke up and propelled my femininity completely like a spectacular firework. so I cannot just say she was just a love like some others. I'm far from asexual, but penetration has for me no interest. I see it as a male thing, added that only a few percentage of women can have pleasure like this. So even for sex, I'm not male. The body can deny it in appearance but that's the limit, because I'm female everywhere else. Antidepressants shut downed a large part of myself, joy, sadness, ambition, creativity and my femininity wanting to live. I'm 11 months free of them, the longer time ever (I started when I was 17) and I'll probably never swallow one again, and leaving them unlocked everything. Not being a cis female is a pain but I've never got so many creative ways to feel female, never found a such powerful light that keep me alive even if the rest of my life has no sense.
Rae321 you said I was poetic, in fact I started to write fiction like I explained in this thread, and it involve some kind of poetry too in form of gifts between characters. So being in it, I tend to care for what I write here when it's supposed to be beautiful, like when I told my dream. I'm in female/female romance for the fourth part of the big story I write, I've never written such things, it feels extremely good and makes me happy. I mean, I never liked myself, but I love what I write, so it's like loving myself in a way, and it's very new to me. Imagine, how it's powerful to have finally found a way to like or even love yourself when it seemed impossible. I may not have the life I want but I can make another reality alive by writing, and this is magic. Creating characters is an impressive experience, like seeing our own children be born and developing a rich personality the more the time pass. And this new love later, was mine. But in this story, it blooms and grows without the body barrier, as it should have happened. I honor her by doing this and keeping her anonymous, and live it like a mourning.
Also about beautiful things, reality is made already of enough vulgarity, ugliness, so I'm creating a pure world and make everything beautiful. I've chosen to be myself as I've chosen the "beautiful side". When I hear cis females talk roughly and swearing for nothing, I feel sad. I'm not snob, but sometimes it's really trashy, very exaggerated especially in the small area I live in. They have the chance to be cis females, and I don't understand why they do not embrace beauty, what is so funny about being vulgar. I mean, no one choose its body, but we can choose what we say, how we say it, how we live partly. I try to put beauty in what I do, I see it in a way to express femaleness. I'm not saying girls should all be like that, or that they are less girls for not doing that, but I see their light to diminish. If I would have a girlfriend, I would love her to be natural, not needing make up, and loving her also in sweatpants, for sure. I always loved girls at being natural. It's not what I'm talking about. Beauty I'm talking is more from inside, trying to be pure, nice, beautiful. Choosing the words, avoiding some. I just say that it adds light, something I love, it beautifies, and I consider it to be a really beautiful side of being female. But well it's personal I guess. I try to do it myself. I feel more myself when doing it, I'm tired of ugly things we see and hear everywhere. This world doesn't have to be ugly.
The girly world I'm creating by writing is like opening my heart and sending to universe my inner self. It's not transitioning, but it's exposing myself securely. I cherish those moments and I thank the girl that changed my life by sending to her vibes of happiness and wishes for her to be rewarded and life to make her happy, because her gift has no price, she revealed so much in me that I was not seeing or being conscious of, I own her my female life that would have been sleeping probably for a very long time otherwise. I try to honor this angel by trying to love me like she loved me, whatever my physical appearance may show. Her wish was me to be happy. I regret to have lived female in a barely minimal way, but even if it was so light, I realized I always needed it. I've never really lived without it. Of course I seem to live it still lightly from a trans perspective for someone that has transitioned, but I express it in my ways, like my writing project, things I was not doing at all before. And I'll make those books, I'll push this light to the rest of the world one day. And who know, it could bring potential friends or even love. I'm so in desperate need of this that I could cry talking about it more than a minute. But my writing is not for this, it would just be a side effect that I would take and enjoy completely. I got a first appointment for psychological help, next week. I'll have to reveal myself. I can't hide if I want help. You guess it, I hope it will be a woman.
