What does “the pink fog” feel like on hormones?

[Jeal]

Hi,

I'm tempted to take my letter to the doctor.  I'm afraid of taking a big step.
The "pink fog" some report on spiro or estrogen is a big attraction for me.  I feel stressed often with many things, but my gender is behind a lot of it I suspect.
What do you girls mean by the pink fog?  Is is increased empathy, increased emotions, greater interest in puppies and flowers I heard one girl report? 
What do you mean by feeling right?  Is it just lower stress for you?
I'm in my own fog. 
Lauren

Hi Lauren,

I have found that since starting HRT I am less inclined to want to present female.  It is like the knowledge I am moving in the right direction, and maybe the chemical changes make me feel more patient and less eager to go out in public in my skinny jeans and boots until I feel more congruence.  I also find it much easier to think/feel myself as a woman, even looking in the mirror.  A somewhat disappointed, 'ugly' woman(I have some work to do on body image ), but, at least my interior congruence seems to be clicking more, sometimes for entire days!  Sometimes I don't even feel the 'ugliness', and those times are just wonderful; during them I am more at peace then I have been since I was 5 years old.

I am totally terrified of the in between phase, I wish there was a magic wand.  I get quite scared and depressed sometimes thinking about how far there is to go, and how uncertain the outcome will be.  I can say, HRT has helped me feel more calm, even with those uncertainties and fears, but it has also provoked knew fears and uncertainties.  The fantasy is over and now I am looking at the long road ahead and the 'realistic' outcomes and it can be quite deflating.  I will be going to a retreat with a friend of mine this June, and I am wondering can I go as 'myself', do I have the courage, would it even be advisable or is it too soon? 

I guess what I am saying is, every step forward so far seems to be followed by a whole new slew of challenges and questions Eventually I'm sure we'll both get to the tops of our mountains and be able to find a new adventure feeling more solidly us.

Overall though, I am very glad I started, but I'm still scared :/

Love,

Jael 

[Rachel]

Hi, for me E is the correct dominant hormone in my body. I had a large number of positive changes both mental and physical. Ultimately post op I eventually supplemented with T as well. I had 26 ng/dl my last blood test and my goal is 40 ng/dl. I know it may sound counter intuitive but we need both hormones in our bodies. Woman need different concentrations than men.

I do not know the reference pink haze or pink fog.

I do know starting HRT was the correct path for me. I knew it after one week. Each and every step I took to complete transition was correct for me. I was scared at every step but I grew from each experience.

It was a very difficult journey but I had a lot of help. I believe in the power of one. One change per week or per day or per month moving me closer my dream. Eventually I did not need to concentrate on a small change per increment and I welcomed change a fast as I could possibly change.

Good luck,
Rachel

[Ms. Bee]

Thank you for the response and good question. I don't have much of a support system outside of my endo. I've done two sessions of hypnosis therapy (today was the second). Recently I start growing out my beard, and presenting male while taking HRT. I thought transition was right for me but I don't know if I am mentally capable of dealing with stigma and negative voices in my head. I told myself I will continue my HRT regime until May to decide if I want to continue on this journey. The experts say you should like to your inner being to make decisions on your life. Well HRT hasn't really lifted my spirits, and I have inner conflict. Any advice please share. Thanks

I also experience a lot of fatigue on Spiro, and when things aren't going well with my spouse I can get pretty depressed.  What else is going on in your life?  Are you getting support? Transition is a huge change, and it puts stress on the body and emotions in a big way.

I find that when I am feeling down and tired fears surface that I am making a big mistake because so many others report such miraculous effects of hormones.   I've also read it is very normal for people to have crises during HRT.  It doesn't invalidate who you are.  We all come into transition with different baggage and different levels of preparation and support. I am having a great week the last several days, but I was very down for two weeks before that.  Partly I think my body was acclimating to almost no testosterone and side effects of Spiro, partly is what the realities of transition and relationship woes.  It's HUGE and scary to me.  I'm expecting many more troughs and bumps.

I'm glad you are talking to your endocrinologist.  You will get through it!

Love, Jael

[JanePlain]

I will probably forget some of the changes but clarity (thinking wise) was one.  Emotionally I seem to be able to go to a wide range rather then just Anger or Not angry.  I don't know is this is typical but I was better able to do math in my head.  Its much more easy to be happy.  To respond better to people.  Patience maybe?  Increased sense of smell.  In my case libido came back but I think this was because I was lacking normal levels of estrogen even for males.  *I also do a small amount of testosterone.  One not great thing is I get cold.  Chills even. Anyway it feels good.  It feels right.

Changing the balance to male levels gave me a panic attack.   

[Ms. Bee]

Yes I can relate to the chills, cold feet even. I get chills at night then a heat flash in the mornings.

I will probably forget some of the changes but clarity (thinking wise) was one.  Emotionally I seem to be able to go to a wide range rather then just Anger or Not angry.  I don't know is this is typical but I was better able to do math in my head.  Its much more easy to be happy.  To respond better to people.  Patience maybe?  Increased sense of smell.  In my case libido came back but I think this was because I was lacking normal levels of estrogen even for males.  *I also do a small amount of testosterone.  One not great thing is I get cold.  Chills even. Anyway it feels good.  It feels right.

Changing the balance to male levels gave me a panic attack.   

[KathyLauren]

I don't know if I can give you advice.  If HRT isn't right for you, only you can tell.  All I can tell you is my experience.

HRT lifted my spirits a lot because I was finally making headway on becoming myself.  I doubt if that effect was pharmacological.  Mostly, it was psychological, I think.  But the biggest thing that lifted my spirits was getting out of the house presenting fully as myself.

I had had a great deal of fear about presenting in public, and my only experiences were initially the short walk from the gender-neutral washroom where I changed to the support group meeting room and back, dressed androgynously.  Eventually, I made it to going from the parking lot to the meeting room dressed full femme.  But the fear didn't go away until I spent a day in the city as myself.  From the moment I left my hotel in the morning to when I returned in the afternoon, I was 100% Kathy.  I talked to wait staff in restaurants and coffee shops, and joked with a cashier about my ID not matching my presentation.  It was all good, and that day convinced me that I had to go full time as soon as possible.

If I had relied on HRT alone to confirm my path, I might not have made it to where I am today.  The effects were there, but really subtle.  Even with coaching from the good members here, you don't really know what to watch for until after you notice it.

[Jeal]

...I told myself I will continue my HRT regime until May to decide if I want to continue on this journey. The experts say you should like to your inner being to make decisions on your life. Well HRT hasn't really lifted my spirits, and I have inner conflict...

and now for something completely different... (i <3 Monty Python)

I commonly do tarot card readings for myself, to help me sort out my feelings, needs and repressions.  This morning was a really personally powerful one.  It was all about blockages and insecurities, and just a reminder to myself of how hidden I still am, and how much it is costing me.

Anyway I thought I would share this  piece of wisdom from the Taroist Rachel Pollack.  She approaches Tarot from the angle of personal introspection and growth, as I do. This reading is in regards to the Tarot card, The Devil, reversed, and I feel like it encapsulates my dilemma, and maybe has some bearing on your situation:

"The Devil reversed, on the other hand, indicates an attempt to break loose from some misery or bondage, either real or psychological. The person no longer accepts her situation and moves towards liberation.  Paradoxically it is precisely at such time that we feel our unhappiness and the limitations of our lives most strongly.  Before you slip off the chains you must become conscious of them. Therefore, people who are undergoing some process of liberation... often find themselves far more unhappy than when they blindly accepted their oppressed condition. Such a period can be crucial to a person's development... one will emerge happier and with a more developed personality"

It made me feel better anyways . I woke up in quite a snit.

I drew this picture last year at this time,  my version of the card.  I am so much better off than last year, but it is still very tough some times

[Finding Lauren]

Jeal,

We are scared at times, uncertain at times, shy at times, but we can share it together. 
Keep looking for peace where you can find it.
Good luck with your retreat.  I wanted to just find a quit cottage my wife and I could relax in.  Yes fem but outside and without stress.


Love,

Lauren

[Finding Lauren]

Jane,

The wider range of emotions, rather than angry or not attracts me.  It being easier to be happy, well yes please.
I've heard others talk of greater empathy, and a newly discovered desire for protection, even a fascination with puppies.  It's all so nice sounding.
Oh, and nice legs girl!


Lauren

[Finding Lauren]

Kathy & Rachel,

The baby steps you took seem achievable, and there are more than I imagined. 
I heard that few elect to stop estrogen, once started.  You knew it was for you just by knowing you were making progress?  Yah, that would be a welcome feeling, like being enticed.
I wish I knew how much I was missing, without the complexity,
When I came out to my wife, others started noticing my personality changing.  I was so much less serious and angry.  Repressed needs choke you.  I wish I knew how HRT would feel in my mind, and what more would change in my personality.
It's important to have friends, and letting out your feelings (especially in funny ways) goes a long way in winning new ones, even at the makeup counter!



Lauren

[Rachel]

Hi, I was married and very scared to even see a therapist. I did an intake after suicide attempts on I95 two days in a row. I was at the bottom and scared to make the phone call. Scared to do the intake. Scared to call a therapist. Scared to go to therapy. Scared to tell the therapist I am trans and all the details. I was scared to tell my then wife, go on HRT, express, go full time, divorce and have a lot of surgery.

Each step brought a sense of fear and then realizing I just want to be myself. I went full time in 11/2015 and I am just now fully accepting and starting to love and feel good about myself. I have a ways to go but I am doing it and will get through it. I am starting to have fun and discover what I like and do what I want without permission or guilt.

I am a transwoman and I am very lucky. I have seen so much in the last 6 years in community I know I am truly lucky. I think the best part of being me is the calm, feelings and happiness. Yes, blending in is very important but it is all part of the calm, feeling and happiness. I really love being female.

Rachel

[Finding Lauren]

Wow Rachel,

I've felt the destructive pressure building before, before I came out to my wife but that is a hard beginning girl.
I felt the fear of therapy.  The first therapist was not caring, but the second was nice and helped me to see myself clearly.
I came out to my wife through kinky play, and I began a journal for her.  It wasn't long before the combination brought out my secret self.  Luckily she loved the intimacy, and the feeling that she was at my core. That she knew me more deeply than anyone, and she liked the softer more feminine me.
I knew the kinky play in combination with having to write my feelings down, while the seduction of it was most powerful would break me ... would break my secret out.  It was a crazy way of coming out, but it avoided I guess the self destruction of having no way out.  This was a trick "mistresses" I read use as a method of therapy, and to possess someone at a deep level.  Well it worked wonders for our relationship (without a mistress).  This came first, then two therapists.
Being trans is such a difficult thing to face, and to communicate, but it will grind you down until you do.
I sense the calm, some feelings, and some happiness too, but I'm not on HRT and I suspect it releases even more.  Everything comes at some cost, and I'm just trying to find my compromise with this internal contradiction.  The implications of taking this further always seem like enough reason to stop here, then here, then at some next step.  At some level I think my perception that I was "in control" of this, was always an illusion.  The softer reality within me just required one step after another, and all I could "control" was just how much stress it took for her to win each concession from my assigned identity.  I seem to only be able to delay and draw out the inevitable.  The reality has been good, so far, but dam!
Thanks for sharing too.


Hugs,

Lauren

[KathyLauren]

Wow Rachel,

I've felt the destructive pressure building before, before I came out to my wife but that is a hard beginning girl.
I felt the fear of therapy.  The first therapist was not caring, but the second was nice and helped me to see myself clearly.
I came out to my wife through kinky play, and I began a journal for her.  It wasn't long before the combination brought out my secret self.  Luckily she loved the intimacy, and the feeling that she was at my core. That she knew me more deeply than anyone, and she liked the softer more feminine me.
I knew the kinky play in combination with having to write my feelings down, while the seduction of it was most powerful would break me ... would break my secret out.  It was a crazy way of coming out, but it avoided I guess the self destruction of having no way out.  This was a trick "mistresses" I read use as a method of therapy, and to possess someone at a deep level.  Well it worked wonders for our relationship (without a mistress).  This came first, then two therapists.
Being trans is such a difficult thing to face, and to communicate, but it will grind you down until you do.
I sense the calm, some feelings, and some happiness too, but I'm not on HRT and I suspect it releases even more.  Everything comes at some cost, and I'm just trying to find my compromise with this internal contradiction.  The implications of taking this further always seem like enough reason to stop here, then here, then at some next step.  At some level I think my perception that I was "in control" of this, was always an illusion.  The softer reality within me just required one step after another, and all I could "control" was just how much stress it took for her to win each concession from my assigned identity.  I seem to only be able to delay and draw out the inevitable.  The reality has been good, so far, but dam!
Thanks for sharing too.


Hugs,

Lauren

Lauren, your post expresses well the struggle to come out, but the part I highlighted sums it up particularly well.  Thank you for the insightful post!

[Jeal]

I knew the kinky play in combination with having to write my feelings down, while the seduction of it was most powerful would break me ... would break my secret out.

Lauren,

I found your post, and your narrative of your acceptance very interesting!  My breakthrough came through play and journaling as well, but for me through my art and story writing.  I finally wrote me story instead of fantasy.. It had been staring me in the face through dozens of stories and characters and scenarios I'd imagined over the years, but I had never teased apart past traumas and crazy making parents from my gender dysphoria.

I had to go to the absolute end of my rope, it certainly did grind me down until I accepted it.

[JanePlain]

Jane,

The wider range of emotions, rather than angry or not attracts me.  It being easier to be happy, well yes please.
I've heard others talk of greater empathy, and a newly discovered desire for protection, even a fascination with puppies.  It's all so nice sounding.
Oh, and nice legs girl!


Lauren

I should resay one thing.  Being "able" to feel happy and having patience.  empathy is not what came to my mind because that can be complicated in a way but... I would say it expanded my getting emotional about feelings for others.  I just wish I had done this a lot earlier.  except in my youth it would have been horrors.  We might not live in an enlightened world open to people dealing with this but in my youth it was so much worse.

thank you so much for the nice words about my legs.  The rest of me is no where near as good as my legs. And while I wear them for medical reasons its a good excuse to wear something cute.  I don't think I understand women who hate pantyhose.  Other then getting them on and off. They are somewhat wasted effort and I'm normally wearing jeans,  U had a meds review and all the prescribed stuff was talked about.  All that went fine until she read Waist High conpreeuins stockings.  i asked mr to pull up a pants legs and she said yes.  She seemed very impressed.  Too bad she is married!   Usub;t that the dream.  meet a doctor.  like any are single. ha ha

[Finding Lauren]

Hey Jane,

My doctor prescribed compression socks too.
I find my desire for feminine things causes me trouble.  I tell myself I won't buy women's things today, then for instance go to a "safe" hardware store.  In one case I took a route through the pool isle, and my eyes were attracted to a sweet, hot pink top.  They didn't sell bathing suits (safe I thought), but they did sell sun protection t-shirts.  It had sweet very short sleeves, and was made with two shades of pink ... I ached for a top like that I had seen boating before.  It was too small, but I couldn't stop myself from taking it to the cashier.  Yes, it is to die for.
Well, when I went to a "safe" sports medicine shop for compression socks a new very young women took me to a table and showed me their selection from a catalog.  She made the mistake of showing me everything, including some sheer compression socks.  They were women's but it wasn't too obviously shown to be.  I couldn't resist selecting sheer black.  She got just a bit flustered, and tried to steer me to the thick black type.  I said I wanted something cooler and pointed to the slightly sheer ones. She was embarrassed, but completed the order.  When they came in there was just a hint of discomfort with me taking them.  Another "safe" shopping moment ended with me buying women's clothing.
Yes they were so nice, and just dark enough that no one, even my wife seemed to suspect.  I find the demon, well the she devil, or more honestly the terribly repressed girl in me demands some gesture of additional recognition, from time to time, or she will melt down.  As I tell myself I can resist the transition I desire before it becomes public, knowing I wouldn't be passable enough to feel free, I still find her pushing me till I watch myself take another small step.  It's not that resistance is totally futile, but it only buys me time enough to get over the mental hurtle of the next step.  It's scary, like being pushed onto a ride you were afraid of as a child.  She only gives out temporary feelings of peace and happiness as a reward for compliance in becoming more and more fully her.  No place is safe, and no level is the last as she pulls me along ... sweetly, patiently, but uncompromisingly.


Lauren