The Point of No Return

[Kirsteneklund7]

 Has anybody out there FTM or MTF been able to pin-point the mythylogical POINT of NO RETURN for transition. On the weekend I was preparing for a sons 9th birthday wearing a t-shirt dress and floaty skirt. My hair was tied up femme style.

When it was time for other parents to arrive I put on some board shorts and a smart casual shirt. While I was changing I asked my wife, " Do I look like I have tits in this ? "

She said," Yes but no one will really care. "

I untied my hair and brushed it out. She remarked about my wardrobe saying-

" You have got to stop buying clothes, you have as much female attire as me, it has got to stop ! "

I got to thinking I wish I could spend the evening in female apparel. I spent the evening enjoying the company of mothers and fathers and boys and girls presenting fully male.

I am so glad I'm on HRT and I dont have to be in male mode all the time. I would hate to return to 100% male life again, I hope I can give my  femme self more freedom - I am yet to go out publicly as a woman but I would love to.

Am I at the transition point of no return ? No I dont think so. If I wanted to return to full male again I could- its just that I dont want to (too depressing).

I haven't had any male fail yet but I have had the hard stare when in public with t-shirt, shorts & ponytail.


For everyone out there did you find THE POINT OF NO RETURN or was it a totally incremental process?

  With kind regards, Kirsten.

 

[CynthiaAnn]

Hi Kirsten, good post and topic.

  The process was definitely incremental for me, a layering of changes. It becomes harder and harder to return to the previous life as more time is spent in the proper context (for you and I it's female). In a sense we compartmentalize life to survive, only to find the switching back and forth can wear us down. I personally got so tired of it, that eventually my life circumstances told me it was "time for full time !" So that "Rubicon crossing", a.k.a. the point of no return for me was in 2013 when I finally came out at work, changed my legal name / gender, that was the final part of my compartmentalized life that fell by the wayside socially. Physically my "Rubicon Crossing" was GCS in 2016, there was no turning back physically, not a chance, that irreversible decision and course of action was the correct one in hindsight. So today we look forward, we move forward, all at our own pace as life allows. That's awesome you enjoyed the birthday party with the others Kirsten, sounds like a nice time. Given what I see of your avatar picture Kirsten, your "male fail" in public is imminent  , get ready, it's coming...Every day you are taking HRT it's changing you, and it can sneak up on you, you read others post of this, how they were changed more than they realized at any one point in time....

Hugs

Cynthia -

[KimOct]

Kirsten My point of no return was when I decided to transition but I know that is not what you are asking.

IMO the point of no return is when you go public.  I know some people de-transition which is fine.  Do what you think will make you happy but once you go public the cat is out of the bag.

I am all about living authentically and yet it is important to look before you leap.  Once someone decides it is who they are and what they want then it is necessary to find the courage.  While you can turn back once people know they will always know.  Unless you have one of the Men in Black (movie reference ) devices. 

[Dani]

One day while I was looking in the mirror, I was taking stock of my life so far. I was unhappy. I had suppressed my transgender feelings for over 50 years, my prostate was acting up even after having gone through the standard treatments, and my marriage was falling apart.

At that moment, I said to myself, I am going to transition. I had no idea how effective HRT would be, but I decided to just go ahead and transition. I made a plan on how to finance this. But the most important thing I did was to accept the results even if I did not pass very well. After 4 years of HRT, FFS and weight loss, I  am satisfied with who I am.

While many of us test the waters, so  to speak, we all must make a decision to transition or not. This is not a decision to be taken lightly as there are many consequences of transition that are not very pleasant. There is a  price to pay.

However, if you chose wisely, the sense of peace afterwards is priceless.

[Cindy]

Probably the final tip point was walking into work wearing a blouse, skirt and boots.

I finally accepted that it wasn't my problem - I've now come to realise that it never was.

[Rayna]

IMO the point of no return is when you go public.  I know some people de-transition which is fine.  Do what you think will make you happy but once you go public the cat is out of the bag.

Kim, I sorta agree, but how public is public?  I am part time out publicly in the community, all my extended family knows, most of my friends know, some of my co-workers know, but at work I still haven't gone past femme jeans, femme hairstyle and casual femme shirts (not blouses yet).  So I'm working in that direction, yet I'm not on HRT and have no plans for surgery.  Could I go back (at a psychic cost)?  Yes, and eventually my public would forget about my "phase".

Probably the final tip point was walking into work wearing a blouse, skirt and boots.

I finally accepted that it wasn't my problem - I've now come to realise that it never was.

Thank you Cindy for this perspective.  You are exactly right about whose problem is this anyway?  And I admit, wearing a blouse and skirt to work is still over the horizon for me (I work in a 90% male environment, Information Technology Network Support, bunch of #$%^ geeks  )
Randy

[TonyaW]

Kirsten My point of no return was when I decided to transition but I know that is not what you are asking.

Pretty much this.  I knew I had to try and had no plan or idea what I would do if for some reason I couldn't take the hormone therapy.  I've never had second thoughts or thoughts of stopping.

I suppose I could hide any physical changes I currently have if I wanted to weigh 260 again.

I did legally change my name a year ago so that might be a point of no return.

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[KathyLauren]

It is incremental, I think. 

For me, the most important point of no return happened some time during the months when I was procrastinating about coming out to my wife.  After waffling a bit, I realized that I HAD TO move forward.  I suppose I could have backed out right up until the point I began to speak, and in fact I did back out at that point quite a few times before I got the words out.  But that experience showed me that backing out would lead to depression, so I knew I had to move forward.

Going full-time was a point of difficult return: you can't take it back.  But by that time, I was on HRT and emotionally committed to proceeding.

[NatalieRene]

On a personal level I was all in the moment I found out it was possible. I did go dears in the headlights outside the door of my therapist's office the first day. I guess that was the point of no return for me.

However publicly the point of no return was simply when I couldn't hide the changes anymore. This took about eight months despite which because of fear I didn't come out until nine months which led to months of male failing.

[Charlie Nicki]

Getting an orchiectomy was the point of no return for me. I knew that once I did it, I wouldn't be able to go back even if I wanted to.

[Sarah.VanDistel]

I feel that there are different PNR's along transitioning.

My *personal* PNR happened when, together with my wife and my two teenager sons, we decided that I'd transition.

My *social* PNR was my coming out at work. From that moment on, even if I wanted to go back it wouldn't be possible without at least moving to another country (I live in a rather small country and I work in a rather restricted field - the chance of chit-chat would be far to high to prevent the dissemination of such a savoury gossip).

My *physical* PNR was my FFS, which gave me an irreversibly feminine face. I also tend to believe that FFS was my *absolute* PNR, from which, no matter the effort, I would never pass as a guy anymore. Fortunately, that idea never even crossed my mind. [emoji6]

Hugs, Sarah

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[Anne Blake]

My point of no return was all mental head space stuff. My wife and I were pursuing a sort of split life, safe space being out and visibly Tia, other spaces keeping him around. It got to the point that my life as him was cross dressing. I had already begun hrt and was working through electrolysis. One late night I realized that this living in two worlds had to end. I could not continue to pretend to be someone that I wasn't. But I had promised my wife that I would never have surgery, would never take her man away, would never force us to come out to our real world people and families. That night I realized that I would have to either break all my promises to my wife or end it all because I could no longer live a lie. After surviving that night and deciding to fully transition, my wife bought in and we put the plan into full swing.

Tia Anne

[Kate.claire]

Only 6 months in, but I think I am on a similar road to you Kirsten.  Fully transitioning is too painful for my family, and yet there's no way i want to return to the repressed version of who I was. Far happier now, but mildly concerned that the issue will be forced as HRT progresses.  My goofy new Kaiser endocrinologist suggested that at 6 months,  I've seen most of the changes I can expect. Nice guy, but I'll be asking for a new endocrinologist with a little more experience in the transgender department. Hope he doesn't turn out to be right.

I did pass one new point of no return, after adding 3 inches to my hips/rear, this morning found that I could no longer fit in any of my men's jeans,  so officially switched to my women's jeans and put all my men's jeans in the Goodwill box. Some tiny sign of progress finally.

[Emma1017]

Kirsten:

Both of us seem to weave in and out of each others thread.  This process is a constant battle between our hearts and minds.  As much as I hate to admit it I know that I will also hit my personal point of no return.  I am trying to delay it but I know it is coming.

You and I know that we can't stop the joy we feel as we see the changes that we have waited a lifetime to experience.

Hugs,

Emma

[NatalieRene]

Only 6 months in, but I think I am on a similar road to you Kirsten.  Fully transitioning is too painful for my family, and yet there's no way i want to return to the repressed version of who I was. Far happier now, but mildly concerned that the issue will be forced as HRT progresses.  My goofy new Kaiser endocrinologist suggested that at 6 months,  I've seen most of the changes I can expect. Nice guy, but I'll be asking for a new endocrinologist with a little more experience in the transgender department. Hope he doesn't turn out to be right.

I did pass one new point of no return, after adding 3 inches to my hips/rear, this morning found that I could no longer fit in any of my men's jeans,  so officially switched to my women's jeans and put all my men's jeans in the Goodwill box. Some tiny sign of progress finally.

At six months it's a little early to say that transition has peaked. Six months is about when the changes start to be noticeable. There are things all the hrt in the world won't fix but the really subtle stuff doesn't completely become evident until about a year.

[Iztaccihuatl]

I by far have not reached any point of no return, but I do expect that the moment when HRT effects would become visible that would be my point of no return.

However, looking back there were a couple of points of no return of some kind, for example coming out to my wife, I can't roll back to how things were before. Or dressing for the first time or the first time out in public, these were all formative events that pushed me further along on my journey and I learned new things absolut myself and these things I can't roll back either.


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[Kate.claire]

Thanks for the encouragement, Natalie. I figured my doc doesn't know what he's talking about.  Still, I keep my expectations super low, then no matter what happens, it's all upside.  😂

[Emma1017]

Yikes Kate.Claire I never thought to measure my hips!!! I just started my 5th month on low HRT.  I am hoping to get through the summer stealth male.

Those PNRs are sneaky.

[NatalieRene]

Yikes Kate.Claire I never thought to measure my hips!!! I just started my 5th month on low HRT.  I am hoping to get through the summer stealth male.

Those PNRs are sneaky.

Unless you're really young your hips won't get any wider then they already are but fat distribution could help some.

My hips started off a little over 40 inches and I have narrower shoulders then most so I'm a bit of an aboration.

[Kate.claire]

Right, to be clear, my bones are the same as ever... my hips went from 40.5 to 43, but it's all just a bigger rear really. A lot more cushion... my wife's favorite pillow now when laying on the beach. Starting an exercise program again, so probably going to go back down. Hopefully my hips will look better with a smaller waist anyways.