The Point of No Return

[Kirsteneklund7]

Kirsten I am not even there yet.  My wife has no idea that I dress in gender (I hate "en femme" because I am not play acting). 

I know I will have a massive confrontation when I do.   I am hoping that my female body will be very obvious in male clothes by then.

You scub up extremely well though. I use "en femme" because I cant prove empirically that Im anything more than a cross-dresser. Public social interaction as my feminine self might prove something.

I blurted out one day I was going to cross-dress and I was met with icy silence. 3 years later it gets angry arguments.

Still Kirsten persists even after being put away in 1982 when I was 13.

I nearly suicided over this twice but now I have a strategy when things get bad. I have positive hopes for the future.

Kirsten x.

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[Kirsteneklund7]

Kirsten - the quote 'but I know you can't help it" concerns me a lot.  I am not commenting on your wife as a person, I assume she is wonderful and you love her.  Also it sounds as though she realizes that you are not doing this as a whim so that's good too.  My concern lies with the "I know you can't help it". 

It's not her fault - she has also been conditioned by society her entire life to think that we are the subject of shame or there is something wrong with us.   I don't know where you see things going but I am going to be bold and suggest that you try educating her 'gently' with both articles and meeting with a transgender specific therapist.

Sorry for your struggle.

Kim, Wife & I both know exactly what is going on. We have talked, we have watched transgender documentaries together, we have been to a specialised transgender counsellor and non- trans specific counsellor.
My wife has known Im a bit different for 22 years. She started with the usual questions when we first got together. ie are you gay ? What is it with you?.ect.

The thing is with girlfriends I could never do the benevolent dictator. I found women expected active management and would try on the drama when I didnt control them
I never had it in my heart to dominate my female lovers I thought of them as my mates or friends and we could talk through   stuff.

In the end this meant sexual spark faded out and they were often left disappointed- I  couldnt be the man they wanted me to be. I could supply physical intimacy but the chemistry was often off the mark

So that is where I am now. I simply am not the man she wants or needs. She is not hard wired to be turned on by a SO that is as feminine as she is.

I sort of knew this many years ago.

Kirsten.

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[CynthiaAnn]

Hugs Kirsten, kindness kills the drama, actions over words, deeds over threats, love where it's unexpected. I don't really know you, but I've read enough to begin to get a feel for the situation you face. Let's suppose instead of announcing "you are going to dress as yourself" (i won't use the word crossdress), you simply "do it", no words, no drama, just you as yourself, you should not need anyone's permission. It's like the vibe in the song "Thank you for lettin' be myself, again"

It's so hard, and nothing is easy...

Cynthia -

[Emma1017]

Kirsten I have been thinking about my response for a while now because you and I seem to be paralleling a lot in this experience.   I feel your sadness and frustration.

I strongly believe that we have a right to be happy.

I don't know the complexity of your life beyond what you have shared.  We each bring our own nasty twists to the experience it seems.

I know I want to stop and I can't.  I want to go back to the way I was two years ago and I can't.  I don't know where I will be in a year.  At some point you and I will reach that point of no return.  Everyone has said that and everything I have read says that.  There doesn't seem to be a way to freeze this process.

I have rejected suicide.  That to me is a stupid waste of life.  I don't think I can stay male but I am trying.  I know where my heart is but I have time to continue to doubt.

Unfortunately when that time comes, our spouses will need to make their own decision.  It's miserable but we didn't choose this.  My son's girlfriend broke up with him when his cancer came back and broke his heart.  She decided she couldn't ihandle losing him.

I don't know what my wife will choose once confronted with my choice.  I will at least know that I will have exhausted every option and tried ever alternative solution and looked for a better answer. 

That is all I can do.

After that, she will have to decide.


Hugs,

Emma

[Josie_L]

Never, besides no point in having a point of no return if we are not truly who we claim to be. x

[Emma1017]

Josie I agree in general but I have been living for decades and I thought I knew who I was all this time. 

Its taken me this long to figure I don't know who I am.  I am in the process of figuring that out. 

I don't want to get it wrong because I won't just be hurting me, I will be hurting my wife.

She deserves my certainty.

[Kirsteneklund7]

Hugs Kirsten, kindness kills the drama, actions over words, deeds over threats, love where it's unexpected. I don't really know you, but I've read enough to begin to get a feel for the situation you face. Let's suppose instead of announcing "you are going to dress as yourself" (i won't use the word crossdress), you simply "do it", no words, no drama, just you as yourself, you should not need anyone's permission. It's like the vibe in the song "Thank you for lettin' be myself, again"

It's so hard, and nothing is easy...

Cynthia -

Thank you so much Cynthia- reading and considering these kind words - must get back to work.


  Kirsten.

[Kirsteneklund7]

Kirsten I have been thinking about my response for a while now because you and I seem to be paralleling a lot in this experience.   I feel your sadness and frustration.

I strongly believe that we have a right to be happy.

I don't know the complexity of your life beyond what you have shared.  We each bring our own nasty twists to the experience it seems.

I know I want to stop and I can't.  I want to go back to the way I was two years ago and I can't.  I don't know where I will be in a year.  At some point you and I will reach that point of no return.  Everyone has said that and everything I have read says that.  There doesn't seem to be a way to freeze this process.

I have rejected suicide.  That to me is a stupid waste of life.  I don't think I can stay male but I am trying.  I know where my heart is but I have time to continue to doubt.

Unfortunately when that time comes, our spouses will need to make their own decision.  It's miserable but we didn't choose this.  My son's girlfriend broke up with him when his cancer came back and broke his heart.  She decided she couldn't ihandle losing him.

I don't know what my wife will choose once confronted with my choice.  I will at least know that I will have exhausted every option and tried ever alternative solution and looked for a better answer. 

That is all I can do.

After that, she will have to decide.


Hugs,

Emma

Hi again Emma,
                        I have said when I look at you I see me reflected back, also I am you and what I see is me. Yes I do understand the sadness and frustration. Your support is highly valued.

This could all be solved if I could have a breakthrough and have my wife on board. I have tried hard. I also understand it is unreasonable to expect her to go against her innate nature to suit my gender issues. That said I cooked dinner last night dressed( dare I say it ) EN FEMME in a casual t-shirt dress and comfortable flared skirt. No one batted an eye.

I to dont believe in suicide- my young sons are strong justification not to. I have already opened the path of discussion with key people and that has brought me back from the brink before. I dont want any permanent solutions to a temporary problem.

Ironically when I first saw a psychologist I wanted to be told I was not trans and the intense desire to be female was a by product of something else - after much interviewing, profiling, testing, yes it is a condition that has been there all my life just so much more intense in middle age.

I think the way forward is to push the female envelope without any surgeries, then reassess. That way I can return if necessary. I cant even conceive the future in a years time. Full time and surgery seems very attractive but I have no irrefutable proof it is the best path.

  The best we can do is just be ourselves without suppression and without projecting a false persona.

   Take care of yourself, Kirsten.

[Kate.claire]

Wow, pains me to read this and at that same time reminds me I am not alone. 

I feel completely in the same boat as you,Kirsten and Emma. I'm continuing to move forward, but not sure that I can handle going all the way forward either, only thing I'm sure of is not wanting to go back. I constantly get melancholy that I will probably never change enough to accept my self-image, and yet relieved that I can maybe continue to push on in the male life that will satisfy my close family,  with just this hormonal balance shift if I have to. I realized that I never like my self image post puberty anyways, hard to imagine it being worse. 

I'm often wracked with guilt that I pass my pain onto my own family and risk what by all measures has been a good and fulfilling life, that I just am somehow left unhappy in. It's scary, my wife has been my best friend for nearly 20 years. I'd venture to say my only friend, everyone else is an acquaintance.  If she leaves me, loneliness is guaranteed. Fortunate enough to know that life goes on one way or another, and having witnessed a parental suicide's impact on a close friend growing up, I have the realities of who suffers firmly rooted in me. Guess I'll just have to own a lot of cats some day.

[Emma1017]

Kate and Kirsten I compare this process to trying to stop a very slow moving freight train by standing in front of it. 

Its easier to get on and ride to see where it goes.

When I went to the therapist for the first time last year, I really thought it was one visit and that's it.  I had no clue what was happening and how deep it was affecting me. 

This last year has been surreal!

I just started electrolysis and voice therapy.  I keep telling myself that these physical changes are all reversible but the one change that is irreversible is how I feel mentally.

I have no choice but to keep going until I can finally be at peace with myself, or as close as I can get.

[LaRae]

I found my own Point of No Return a couple weeks back. I work as a host (hostess, really, but I was trying to still present masculine at the time) in a restaurant, and as such I have high visibility. the last couple months I've been wearing a light denim hoodie/jacket thing over the top, and a tank underneath the shirt to hide the girls as they grew in. One day, I was in a rush and forgot both my tank and jacket. got to work, figured I'd be fine...then I looked down. Nope, it was all jiggle jiggle jiggle bounce bounce.

I explained this to my boss (who knows my situation and is fully supportive) and she allowed me to wear my larger leather jacket that I'd worn to work during my shift.

That time, as well as a family member remarking on how narrow my waist is now, was the point at which I officially realized my 'male presentation' time was coming to an end. It was a good thing, as it made me kick my transition process into a much higher gear.