A New Way to Look at My Situation

[HappyMoni]

   I have been thinking about the different situations in my life. Some people know my before self  and know I'm trans. People in public generally see me as female. The new people in my life are a big question. No one ever says, "Are you trans?" I don't tell them either because I don't like to have to explain myself for one thing. Also, if they once know I am trans, I think it more likely for misgendering which I hate. I am proud to be trans sometimes and other times like to be assumed to be cis. I was thinking about someone who I work with who most likely knows my situation, but it doesn't ever come up. She is fine with me and I will probably leave it there. When I spoke of going to the trans conference, I left out what type of conference it was with her. It was awkward somewhat, but it kept the status quo. I then started thinking about a different explanation of my situation. I thought, what if I said that I have always had a genetic hormonal problem that has had the effect of masculinizing my body in certain ways. I thought about it. I think it is a different way to say what my situation is that is truthful, even if it isn't the explanation commonly given, loaded down with the scientific facts and labeling. If pressed I wouldn't hide being trans, but to me this describes my situation from the stand point of my brain. My brain has always fought to be female despite me running from that fact for so long. Essentially, yeah, my genetics caused my hormones to change my body in ways I never wanted. I wanted none of its masculinizing effects. This is really an explanation that a female brained person would give. Society says I'm this thing called trans (and that's okay) but from my perspective the genetics (and resulting hormones) took things to a whole other place, one not matching my brain. Since my brain is the essence of who I am, the genetics to me are way secondary.
   I'm not looking for approval or condemnation of my perspective on this. You handle things the way it is right for you. I think, in some situations, l like this explanation. Thought I would throw it out there. Tune in next week for my discussion on, "Why is there air?"
Moni

[CynthiaAnn]

Hi Moni, being trans is not exactly the "water cooler topic"  At our work they actually discourage people from talking about their medical situations. As far as hormones, you and I are survivors of "T poisoning". I recall there was a Tee Shirt printed up I saw somewhere that said "survivor of T poisoning", it was so factual. I felt like I was poisoned by T, but that's another story....

Yeah, I don't offer information to others, no real need to explain, and they don't ask, so I don't have to tell.  Most of these discussions are with my Dr and others here on this board 

Hugs

Cynthia -

[Rayna]

Hi Moni, I like this explanation.  As you said, it's they way a female-brained person would say it.  I think it is also scientifically pretty accurate, from my understanding.

After air, are you going to do fire or earth next?
Randy

[DawnOday]

Moni... I love you the way you are. You have always given me great advice with a sense humor. Your answers and our conversations are a highlight for me. I didn't have to deal with being transgender because they didn't exist until the late 80's. But even then I felt I had secrets that were not acknowledged Everyone I've told has accepted me. But you know I don't present full time. Depending on my success this week in Vegas it may become more permanent.  I really admire your courage and fortitude. When my boss would complain I told him. "It's not easy being me" If he only knew.

[Sonja]

Tune in next week for my discussion on, "Why is there air?"
Moni

Well its obvious - the air is 'there' so our vocal cords can vibrate the air molecules into other peoples ears as we explain the horrific and toxic affects of T....

Sonja.

[pamelatransuk]

Hello again Moni

I consider your explanation to be truthful accurate and scientifically based and I thank you for sharing.

Of course as you say, the brain overrides all - the essence of who we are. A female would quite obviously not desire any masculinizing effects either before or at or after their most unwelcome arrival!

Hugs

Pamela

[Iztaccihuatl]

Hi Moni,

I do like your explanation of a hormonal problem, because it reverses the notion of what is to be considered 'normal', i.e. mind versus body. Just because we understand the development of the body from our genes better than the development of our mind and people therefore assume the genetic development is 'right' and therefore to be considered 'normal', that doesn't mean it is correct.

However, I'd like to ask you why do you think you need to self-explain like in the situation you mentioned with your coworker? I mean, there are tons of conferences out there that people do attend but don't want to talk about it in the office just because it doesn't fit their professional image.

Also, from looking at your profile picture and from what you stated yourself you are passing as a cis-woman nearly all of the time. If someone nevertheless comes and asks if you were trans, why not react like a cis-woman would, like with a slightly annoyed "Huh, what makes you think that?", kind of turning the question back to them in a way they assume you are cis and then leave it at that?


Sent from my iPad using Tapatalk

[HappyMoni]

Hi Moni,

I do like your explanation of a hormonal problem, because it reverses the notion of what is to be considered 'normal', i.e. mind versus body. Just because we understand the development of the body from our genes better than the development of our mind and people therefore assume the genetic development is 'right' and therefore to be considered 'normal', that doesn't mean it is correct.

However, I'd like to ask you why do you think you need to self-explain like in the situation you mentioned with your coworker? I mean, there are tons of conferences out there that people do attend but don't want to talk about it in the office just because it doesn't fit their professional image.

Also, from looking at your profile picture and from what you stated yourself you are passing as a cis-woman nearly all of the time. If someone nevertheless comes and asks if you were trans, why not react like a cis-woman would, like with a slightly annoyed "Huh, what makes you think that?", kind of turning the question back to them in a way they assume you are cis and then leave it at that?


Sent from my iPad using Tapatalk

I love your answers ladies, thank you!

HM, I think I pass on a limited exposure basis, I might say. The person I'm referring to is in the room with me much of the day. I would imagine there are plenty of clues to tell that there is something different about me, my voice, my physical strength, and others who slip up and misgender me. I really love the kind heart of this woman. She accepts me as she see me. I doubt that she would be weird if I told her I was 'trans.' Part of me is fine with keeping this thing unspoken. The thing is, by doing that, I limit what I can share about my life with her. The third member of our group, knew the old me. I sometimes like to talk about things trans. So, the subject of the conference was not a big thing. I later went to her and told her that I felt bad excluding her from the mention of what type of conference it was. She was okay with that. It just started me to thinking about how I might tell my story on my terms, without the label. Heck I'm just a person when it comes down to it. My circumstances, my obstacles are a little unusual, but they are as legitimate as any other person. I would like to speak of them on my terms.

I did wonder if someone who is intersex might feel that my description of my situation infringes on their territory. Loosely interpreted, a person with a female brain and a male anatomy might be considered in a sense, intersex. It isn't my intention to try to make that assertion. Jeepers, I am still trying to figure out the whole air thing. And Randy has to go and bring up 'fire' and 'earth.' God, the pressure!

[pamelatransuk]

I did wonder if someone who is intersex might feel that my description of my situation infringes on their territory. Loosely interpreted, a person with a female brain and a male anatomy might be considered in a sense, intersex. It isn't my intention to try to make that assertion.

Again I can see what you mean and I agree with you that we are in a sense intersex or shall I say intergender as the brain which we agree is the essence of who we are, is a part indeed the most important part of our body. The brain is present and correct and the masculine parts of the body (either received at birth or at puberty) are present and incorrect until amended by HRT and/or surgery.

Hugs

Pamela

[KathyLauren]

I did wonder if someone who is intersex might feel that my description of my situation infringes on their territory. Loosely interpreted, a person with a female brain and a male anatomy might be considered in a sense, intersex.

Some people in the medical professions are starting to consider that transgender is a form of intersex condition. 

[Emma1017]

Hey Moni:

I know I am junior on this thread but I explained my situation to my wife last year this way (some thoughts I stole from others):

"I was hardwired female before birth and then had that reality buried under layers of male hormones, male socialization, gender programming and personal denial.

I am not becoming a woman, I've always been one, I just want to stop pretending to be a man."

It just feels right to me.

Emma

[HappyMoni]

Thank you Pamela, Kathy and Emma!

Hey Moni:

I know I am junior on this thread but I explained my situation to my wife last year this way (some thoughts I stole from others):

"I was hardwired female before birth and then had that reality buried under layers of male hormones, male socialization, gender programming and personal denial.

I am not becoming a woman, I've always been one, I just want to stop pretending to be a man."

It just feels right to me.

Emma

Emma what you describe here certainly sounds like a tremendous challenge to be faced by trans people. To comment a little about the society's poor attitude toward us, if we were born with Cerebral Palsey and learned to overcome its affects to walk or talk, we would be cheered. If we were born deaf and learned to communicate and be productive using sign, we would be looked upon favorably. You name it, people who overcome things are praised, people who struggle with things most times get empathy. Trans people, we have something big to overcome. It ain't easy under the best of circumstances. These societal attitudes that we are either mentally ill or sinful, I'm sorry, these are the sick attitudes. The ignorance makes me angry. I have to fight not to blanket hate religions because of the harms it has caused us. (It has done a great deal of good in many cases as well. I try to be fair.) Just to see the fear in people such as yourself. When you look up the mountain of a possible transition, the fear created by these attitudes is so oppressive. It does a number on our ability to self accept, doesn't it. (Okay Moni, bring it back to the topic, you crazy!)  So, society imposes all this baggage on us. I think, we all are the experts on 'trans.' We are the experts on ourselves. (At least more than the ignorant.) I say, take possession of your narrative. My statement of "I have a genetic condition that has caused my body to become masculinized." is me taking possession of my narrative. If your narrative is, "I'm proudly trans!" or "I'm bigender!" or "I'm a cross dresser!" take possession of it, embrace it. Each of us has to work on our own ability to take pride in who we are.
Sorry, now falling off soap box. Ouch, that hurt.

Moni

[Nightfall]

Monica,
  I think that you are either better with words than me, are more imaginative/creative than me or more than likely both! I never came up with anything that good. I won't lie but there was a time when I spent a bunch of time looking for non-lie responses. I have not had anyone confront me in a very long time so I haven't had to worry about it. I still have must haves that require disclosure though, like when I got my mammogram last week and had to go through the Q&A. Have you had children? When did you first get your period? Yeah, no I am transsexual, no period.
  After I always wonder if there was an answer that would not divulge everything. I think medically it is best that they know everything, but it still feels weird. With everyone else after I get to know them enough, I don't want to mislead them and it stresses and worries me until I tell them the truth. I tell them that I prefer that it not be common knowledge and ask if they could keep it just between us. I know that they can react badly, struggle with it or tell everyone. I don't want everyone to know and I don't want to be treated differently, but I have to tell them. I don't think that everyone should be completely open if they don't have to. It's too much to ask of anyone to allow themselves to become so vulnerable. For me it is worse not to, I can't live like that anymore, living any lie. Far more terrifying to live behind that wall again. I tell myself all kinds of things to make it easier for me to do. You know stuff like, if I mislead everyone no one gets a chance to grow, not me and not them. In my bed at night, alone with my thoughts I know the unflattering truth, I am coward. It is tied in with why when someone compliments me it makes me feel so terrible inside. I feel like I have somehow misled them and it makes me feel physically ill. Not only to do with being trans, my whole life I hated myself, I was so ashamed of who I am. So I had thousands of tiny little lies that made up a life that I wasn't ashamed of, but that life wasn't real so I knew that no one liked me, they liked the lie. Then I stopped lying and came out shortly after, and found out I was right. No need to get into everything that happened, but I was almost completely alone and shut out. I would rather know that everyone knew the unspectacular real me and hate me than let one person believe the lie and love me. There is nothing special about me and I am a bit broken, I work at loving myself not yet quite there, but I will no longer be ashamed of who I am. It's okay if I am less than everyone else, I will die before I let myself believe that the real me, whatever that may be, has no worth, that somehow it is wrong to be me. I have lived that long enough and I will not go back, I won't be less than human anymore.
  Anyway, that is why I can't. I am not a role model and I don't think anyone should follow my example. I do pass and could probably be completely stealth, but I can't live like that. I wish that I could, it would make my life so much easier. If someone can and it's not hurting anyone, I say go for it. Maybe make a thread like this where you can go over different responses and tweak them.

[pamelatransuk]

I explained my situation to my wife last year this way (some thoughts I stole from others):

"I was hardwired female before birth and then had that reality buried under layers of male hormones, male socialization, gender programming and personal denial.

I am not becoming a woman, I've always been one, I just want to stop pretending to be a man."

It just feels right to me.

Emma

Hello Emma

I consider your explanation also to be truthful accurate and scientifically based and thank you also for sharing.

Hugs

Pamela

[Linde]

I did wonder if someone who is intersex might feel that my description of my situation infringes on their territory. Loosely interpreted, a person with a female brain and a male anatomy might be considered in a sense, intersex. It isn't my intention to try to make that assertion.

Yes ma'am, you called me?  I do not have any territory, I am a just screwed up bunch of chromosomes!  I was not born in the wrong body like you "standard" trans people, but somebody decided to re-purpose my pretty OK body, by making it into a semi male one!  But than again, intersex come in so many different varieties, why not adding the mismatch of brain and body to it?  I don't really care, and don't feel offended, because I did not lease the rights for the term intersex! 
I think, my life might have been a little easier if I would have been transgender the way you people are, at least I would have know who I am was, and wanted to be (not to say that your life was easy, but it sucks having not any gender identity like it was the case for me, I just was an It in regards to feel belonging to a group of people).
I tried to b a guy, and did not even think I was a female, I just knew that i was running through the world with a, for a guy, unusual looking body.  For a long time, I did not associate this body of mine to be mostly female, I just thought I was a weirdo, and put into the world so others could make fun of me (freak show, here I come).
Once I figured out much later that this body was very female,and that I wanted to be a female again, it was, of course to my transitional benefit to have this body, and just simply switch genders.  I did not have to mess around with most of the stuff you "standard" transgender people have to (all that icky body hair, and Adams Apples, and hair loss on your heads, and heavy facial hair, etc.
In fact, I am still not really sure if I am transgender or not, or if I should call it reversal of an undesired surgery and it's effects?
But anyway, back to your question, no you do not offend me with calling yourself intersex, it is just a novel way to look at the terms transgender and intersex, and in reality, calling it intersex is not even that wrong, because it is some condition that was created prior to being born, and chromosomes were shuffled around in some unusual way!

[HappyMoni]

Monica,
  I think that you are either better with words than me, are more imaginative/creative than me or more than likely both! I never came up with anything that good. I won't lie but there was a time when I spent a bunch of time looking for non-lie responses. I have not had anyone confront me in a very long time so I haven't had to worry about it. I still have must haves that require disclosure though, like when I got my mammogram last week and had to go through the Q&A. Have you had children? When did you first get your period? Yeah, no I am transsexual, no period.
  After I always wonder if there was an answer that would not divulge everything. I think medically it is best that they know everything, but it still feels weird. With everyone else after I get to know them enough, I don't want to mislead them and it stresses and worries me until I tell them the truth. I tell them that I prefer that it not be common knowledge and ask if they could keep it just between us. I know that they can react badly, struggle with it or tell everyone. I don't want everyone to know and I don't want to be treated differently, but I have to tell them. I don't think that everyone should be completely open if they don't have to. It's too much to ask of anyone to allow themselves to become so vulnerable. For me it is worse not to, I can't live like that anymore, living any lie. Far more terrifying to live behind that wall again. I tell myself all kinds of things to make it easier for me to do. You know stuff like, if I mislead everyone no one gets a chance to grow, not me and not them. In my bed at night, alone with my thoughts I know the unflattering truth, I am coward. It is tied in with why when someone compliments me it makes me feel so terrible inside. I feel like I have somehow misled them and it makes me feel physically ill. Not only to do with being trans, my whole life I hated myself, I was so ashamed of who I am. So I had thousands of tiny little lies that made up a life that I wasn't ashamed of, but that life wasn't real so I knew that no one liked me, they liked the lie. Then I stopped lying and came out shortly after, and found out I was right. No need to get into everything that happened, but I was almost completely alone and shut out. I would rather know that everyone knew the unspectacular real me and hate me than let one person believe the lie and love me. There is nothing special about me and I am a bit broken, I work at loving myself not yet quite there, but I will no longer be ashamed of who I am. It's okay if I am less than everyone else, I will die before I let myself believe that the real me, whatever that may be, has no worth, that somehow it is wrong to be me. I have lived that long enough and I will not go back, I won't be less than human anymore.
  Anyway, that is why I can't. I am not a role model and I don't think anyone should follow my example. I do pass and could probably be completely stealth, but I can't live like that. I wish that I could, it would make my life so much easier. If someone can and it's not hurting anyone, I say go for it. Maybe make a thread like this where you can go over different responses and tweak them.

OMG, I so wish I could give you a hug. I see an incredibly sensitive, insightful person in you. That right there is something special about you. I love that you are fighting, standing up for yourself. I hate that the outside world has treated you this way. In my experience some of the most wonderful people on the planet have been kicked around a bit and don't realize how amazing they are. I hope you will keep exploring your feelings until you find that self love. It astounding how many "normal" people who seem to have it all together, don't have self love. I too work on it. (Of course I am pretty far from the 'normies') Please stick around and talk if you feel you would like to.
Moni

[HappyMoni]

Yes ma'am, you called me?  I do not have any territory, I am a just screwed up bunch of chromosomes!  I was not born in the wrong body like you "standard" trans people, but somebody decided to re-purpose my pretty OK body, by making it into a semi male one!  But than again, intersex come in so many different varieties, why not adding the mismatch of brain and body to it?  I don't really care, and don't feel offended, because I did not lease the rights for the term intersex! 
I think, my life might have been a little easier if I would have been transgender the way you people are, at least I would have know who I am was, and wanted to be (not to say that your life was easy, but it sucks having not any gender identity like it was the case for me, I just was an It in regards to feel belonging to a group of people).
I tried to b a guy, and did not even think I was a female, I just knew that i was running through the world with a, for a guy, unusual looking body.  For a long time, I did not associate this body of mine to be mostly female, I just thought I was a weirdo, and put into the world so others could make fun of me (freak show, here I come).
Once I figured out much later that this body was very female,and that I wanted to be a female again, it was, of course to my transitional benefit to have this body, and just simply switch genders.  I did not have to mess around with most of the stuff you "standard" transgender people have to (all that icky body hair, and Adams Apples, and hair loss on your heads, and heavy facial hair, etc.
In fact, I am still not really sure if I am transgender or not, or if I should call it reversal of an undesired surgery and it's effects?
But anyway, back to your question, no you do not offend me with calling yourself intersex, it is just a novel way to look at the terms transgender and intersex, and in reality, calling it intersex is not even that wrong, because it is some condition that was created prior to being born, and chromosomes were shuffled around in some unusual way!

I guess I did Linde. lol Thanks for that response. Some folks get territorial with their labels. I appreciate that you are not. I have more to say (big surprise) but I am running out of time tonight. I was thinking today about many in the LGB general community hearing someone say I'm gay or I'm a lesbian and it's kind of easy to say, "Ah...yup, okay!" If I say I'm a woman, I feel like there is generally a bit more skepticism. I guess that's due to the chromosomal thing. There is more of a battle in many minds that is probably self conscious. You just have to look no further that even the best intentioned folks misgendering us in little slips. I have to work on getting past this myself at times. So, Moni, mind equals gender equals more important than dumb wrong hormones caused by dumb chromostones (as Archie Bunker used to call them.  ) For me this is the essence of a barely tapped pride that is there for the taking.

[Nightfall]

OMG, I so wish I could give you a hug. I see an incredibly sensitive, insightful person in you. That right there is something special about you. I love that you are fighting, standing up for yourself. I hate that the outside world has treated you this way. In my experience some of the most wonderful people on the planet have been kicked around a bit and don't realize how amazing they are. I hope you will keep exploring your feelings until you find that self love. It astounding how many "normal" people who seem to have it all together, don't have self love. I too work on it. (Of course I am pretty far from the 'normies') Please stick around and talk if you feel you would like to.
Moni

Made me cry. Is totally okay! All crying isn't bad.
Thank you for being so sweet.
Big, big, hug!

[pamelatransuk]

So, Moni, mind equals gender equals more important than dumb wrong hormones caused by dumb chromostones (as Archie Bunker used to call them.  ) For me this is the essence of a barely tapped pride that is there for the taking.

I think we can safely assume that Kathy, Emma, Linde and I agree with your thinking, Moni.

Hugs

Pamela

[F_P_M]

I honestly love the idea of it being a "hormonal disorder"

I'm not in the "wrong body" so much, but my mind is at odds with what my hormones are doing (some of the time, because in my case I ALSO have another hormonal disorder that causes masculising effects. In my case though, that's not the problem. The problem is the failing and pretty useless broken female hormones coursing through my veins and running havoc with a body that really isn't physically very happy about it or psychologically happy about it)

I thought of it like putting diesel into a petrol car. You're running on the wrong "fuel" and we all know that's not gonna make for a very happy or functional engine.