I am pretty chilled out about it. I've become much more comfortable with my situation/person/self over the last few years, but I am continuing to question, to clarify for myself, who and what I am. I might just be a cross-dresser. I might (probably am) some mix of male and female gender. I definitely do not feel agender. I have pretty much always presented as male in public, but I do feel, and in some ways seem to present as female or have more female-typical patterns. For example, at many points in my life, I have had far more female friends than male friends, and been closer to them than my male friends. I also feel a need to dress, sometimes strongly. I recently went through an extended period of not dressing as a woman (for no specific or particular reason, it just happened that way), and I felt something was wrong. Not strongly wrong (I don't seem to have any strong disphoria), just a vague but pervasive unease. Eventually I realized I needed to put on a dress - and it felt really good when I did.
I do not feel any compelling need to be a woman full time, thus I don't identify as trans and have no real desire to transform myself (although I do wish I had breasts from time to time, especially when I am cross-dressed...pretty obvious reasons there).
Mostly, I'm just trying to figure out who and what I am. I'm not too worried about what the answer may be, but I am curious. I guess one thing I'm, well, struggling with is probably too strong, but contemplating is too weak, so let's say one thing I'm working through at the moment is the differing definitions I've found for bigender and gender fluid. Some definitions indicate a strong and definite switching between genders. I do not experience this. Others define it as a blending of multiple genders. This is what I think I experience. It seems like, perhaps, there ought to be separate terms for these, or at least a spectrum. I've been realizing that gender is a very multidimensional thing - a combination of many orthogonal spectra (please pardon the geometry reference, but it seems an apt model): male-female, gendered-nongendered, single-many genders, switching-blended, I'm sure there are dozens of others that could be described. (I give these only as examples, so if I've left out your favorite spectrum, please don't read anything into it other than it would have made the list too long!)
Your thoughts are welcome...and perhaps I should start a thread on this. Suggestions as to what would be the most appropriate forum to do that on are welcome, of course!
