I need some coming out advice

[Danielle Kristina]

I need some advice.  Fairly soon I will be coming out to my mom.  I'm 38, so no worries about being underage.  My mom will love me no matter what.  I will always be her child regardless of my gender.  However, I know she is not too accepting toward trans people; I have a transgender sister who came out some years ago and though my sister is still loved and a valid member of the family, it did NOT go well.  I still hear negative comments, jokes, and slander regarding my sister.  These same people have no idea that I myself am trans. 

So my question is what advice would you have for coming out to my mother?  She and I have a great relationship and the thought of that diminishing scares and saddens me.


Danielle

[Lexxi]

Hi Danielle,

I sure wish I could give you some good advice...sadly I can't. I haven't come out to anyone yet. The thought terrifies me. I've been running potential conversations through my head for days upon days about coming out to various people. The one with my mom has me the most scared. Realistically I know my mom will accept me for whoever I am, but I'm so scared that she'll be disappointed in me. I'm really close to my mom and her opinion matters more than anyone's.

I have decided one thing about coming out to her though...there's no way I can have the conversation in person. I'll either sit down and write her a long letter explaining everything, then call her after she reads it; or I'll just call her and have that convo by itself. I'm not sure which yet.

My mom was the very first person I've ever known who actually stood up for people from the LGBTQ community. She used to have a pretty active online life through one of the fan sites for a popular television show, and that show had a lot of LGBTQ fans. My mom became friends with a lot of them, thus she gave them a whole bunch of support. So I know she will have heard stories just like the one I'll be telling her.

But it still scares the poo poo out of me.

I can offer this bit of advice though, just be honest with her. Make sure she knows that you've felt like this for all of your life, and that you want to start living the life you know you were meant to live. I'd maybe even go so far as to let her know it hurts you when you hear family members disparage your sister. Maybe that way they will never disparage you too.

So good luck when you talk to your mama!! I know exactly how you feel.

Lexxi
xoxo

[LizK]

I need some advice.  Fairly soon I will be coming out to my mom.  I'm 38, so no worries about being underage.  My mom will love me no matter what.  I will always be her child regardless of my gender.  However, I know she is not too accepting toward trans people; I have a transgender sister who came out some years ago and though my sister is still loved and a valid member of the family, it did NOT go well.  I still hear negative comments, jokes, and slander regarding my sister.  These same people have no idea that I myself am trans. 

So my question is what advice would you have for coming out to my mother?  She and I have a great relationship and the thought of that diminishing scares and saddens me.


Danielle

Hi Danielle

Going by what you have said I think you know the answer better than any of us as to how they will react. I can only suggest that you have some support in place before you do this. Ensure that you have a safe place with someone who loves and accepts you. You may need that safety in order stay positive. The experience I had was that mine said all the right things but their actions showed an entirely different story.

Be prepared for the worst and hope for the best. It usually takes time for them to process it all so their initial reaction may seem positive but could well change over the following 3 to 4 days or weeks. It does not hurt to have some information handy that you can give to them but after what you said I don't know that they will be as positive as you would like.

When you do come out to her..do it somewhere safe for you, somewhere comfortable and private for you both.I would not have the whole family there in the first instance. I would sort out a time so you have her alone and have her undivided attention. Remove any other distractions such a radio or TV. I would make sure that your support was somewhere close if you need to talk.

I hope it goes way better than expected

Liz

[Lexxi]

What Liz said!! I especially like her idea of having a support person close by. I never even thought of that.

Great advice Liz!!

xoxo

Lexxi

[KathyLauren]

Definitely plan for your own safety and support.  Having someone nearby in real life whom you can turn to for a hug if necessary is an excellent idea.

Liz is right that you cannot count on a person's initial reaction.  Your mother may be positive at first and then reveal some negativity later.  Or it could go the other way: a negative initial reaction, but then she comes around to be supportive later.  You just can't tell.

Since your mother's reaction is unknowable, concentrate on yourself.  Be strong and confident in yourself.  She is going to react however she reacts, and that is her business.  Your business is to tell her what you need to tell her and then look out for your own well-being.

Have you come out to your sister?  Would it help to do that first?  I don't know; just throwing the idea out there.

Good luck!

[Susan R]

Be prepared for the worst and hope for the best. It usually takes time for them to process it all so their initial reaction may seem positive but could well change over the following 3 to 4 days or weeks.

Hi Danielle, all the advice already given is really great.  I can tell you one thing for sure.  LizK's comment is very accurate and one that I did not prepare enough for mentally prior to coming out.  I thought once I explained everything to a person and they accepted me...great, I'm all done!

There was some noticeable pull-back after I came out with several people.  With a few there was just mild pull-back meaning they wanted to wait before they shared it with their children or needed time before meeting me as my true self.  One individual I came out to did a complete 180° a week later after originally accepting me.

The other thing to know relating to this is that telling them while presenting as the gender they have always known you and then having them see you as your true self after coming out can also alter their attitude and acceptance level.  'Hearing about' and 'seeing with their own eyes' are so very different to some of the people...especially those relationships that are conditional.

The only other thing I want to add is that for me it was important that I had time to explain a sort of basic outline of my life story so that these people had a way to see why I made certain decisions along the way.  This seemed to build up empathy and understanding for my situation.  As others have mentioned, information and notes being handy when coming out might help.  It also showed them that this was not a 'spur of the moment' decision but one that I had been dealing with all my life.  If you can allow them to see your journey through your eyes, it will make it easier for that person to relate to your changes in many cases.

I wish you the best on your coming out,
Susan R🌷

[Danielle Kristina]

Thank you all for the advice!  I've rehearsed my coming out time and time again in my head, and as prepared as I think I am, am still worried that I don't have the courage to do it.  They're going to find out I'm transgender sooner or later whether I come out or not. 

[Danielle Kristina]

Definitely plan for your own safety and support.  Having someone nearby in real life whom you can turn to for a hug if necessary is an excellent idea.

Liz is right that you cannot count on a person's initial reaction.  Your mother may be positive at first and then reveal some negativity later.  Or it could go the other way: a negative initial reaction, but then she comes around to be supportive later.  You just can't tell.

Since your mother's reaction is unknowable, concentrate on yourself.  Be strong and confident in yourself.  She is going to react however she reacts, and that is her business.  Your business is to tell her what you need to tell her and then look out for your own well-being.

Have you come out to your sister?  Would it help to do that first?  I don't know; just throwing the idea out there.

Good luck!

Hi Kathy,
No, I haven't come out to my sister yet.  She and I don't get along, so I avoid her like the plague.  I've tried and tried and tried to mend fences with her over the years and she and I still can't get along.  Actually, she doesn't get along with very many people at all.  Even her friends get tired of her abuse and thus end their friendships with her.  I know my sister wants us to be close, but as much as I'd like that too, I feel that she's stabbed me in the back one too many times.  If I come out to her, then she'll likely see it as a way for us to bond.  As much as I'd love for her and I to be close, we've had such a rocky relationship over the last 20 years that I just don't care to try with her anymore.  I don't want to get hurt anymore.  It's sad that our relationship has come to this, because we used to be so close when we were little, and we could be each other's greatest allies in our transgender journeys.  I just can't trust her not to use and abuse me.

Danielle

[Drexy/Drex]

I would (am/have)  just do it ... start by wearing dark nail polish in public.... the only person you owe any explanation to is your self ....any way start off slow and slowly amp it up....with your mum just tell her straight out ....over a morning coffee .....you know  like mum I'm changing gender , ....I actually found that line was the easiest to get out
I read your post yesterday ...and have been thinking about your situation .....and what kept coming up is "fortune favors the bold "
Good luck luv 😘