Come out to my kids presenting Male or Female?

[Faith]

... She is really is a complete contradiction ...

beliefs based on emotional truths always are. Those 'hard-set' in those beliefs tend to cling to them without regard to fact, not truth which is completely different.

the flip side is, you will be presenting her with a fact. She will have to face it in reality, not subjectively. Hate, fear and denouncement .. or .. quick acceptance .. or .. slow drawn-out acceptance .. will be the result. If you don't present who you are, the established hate, fear, denouncement because of 'sin' wins by default.

Don't write anyone off without giving them opportunity, you do them a wrong and yourself as well. If they continue with their basis of emotional fear due to their perception of sin, so be it. You gave them a chance. It's more than we get most of the time and it's the right thing to do.

note: this is just me expressing my opinion. It's free to be taken or ignored, your choice.

[Susan R]

And, I too, am in exactly this situation. For reasons, I intend to tell my kids in May, one at a time, by myself, as the old way they have seen me...

...As for your neighbor, you mention re-thinking your whole relationship with her. You get to do what you think best. And, my opinion is that responding to hate and rejection with rejection is not a wining strategy for either side. I think the best approach to hate and rejection is always being pleasant and considerate.

Kate
PS. Thank you for the thread!! The timing, and Moni's wisdom could not have come at a better time for me!!

Originally, I really wanted to tell my girls all at once but due to them all living so far away it makes this Very difficult.  We do all get together on major holidays but in a festive celebratory atmosphere, news of this kind can change the focus and mood of a family gathering.  They would need to meet together in a more spontaneous fashion which was not likely anytime soon.  Doing family by family is working fine so far.

Anyone who knows me, knows I am not vengeful in any way.  I would never respond negatively to my neighbors rejection, if that is the final result.  By "rethinking the relationship" I meant lowering my expectations of her friendship.   For me, friendship is not just a one way thing.  There has to be some give and take along the way.  I will likely give her plenty of time to process things.  If my neighbor wanted to have a restart our friendship with my wife and my true self, I'd be there for her.

And thank you Kate for taking time to respond.  I wish you well on your journey and coming out to your children.

...Don't write anyone off without giving them opportunity, you do them a wrong and yourself as well. If they continue with their basis of emotional fear due to their perception of sin, so be it. You gave them a chance. It's more than we get most of the time and it's the right thing to do.

note: this is just me expressing my opinion. It's free to be taken or ignored, your choice.

Thank you Faith for your insight and time.  I do try to be open minded but I'm also a realist.  I perhaps have mentally written her off because I've seen her withdraw in so many relationships in the past after someone rubbed her the wrong way.  Even after they would apologize, she was very nice to them but never made any effort to rekindle their friendship again.  Once you get on her bad side, it's like climbing Mt. Everest to get back in her good graces.  I should have mentioned this along with the original question.  I don't mean to short sell her but I know how she is set in her ways.

Susan R🌷

[HappyMoni]

Hi Susan,
   You are smart to go into telling someone you think might be hostile with a little self protection. I guess this is why each person I told, I mentally prepared that it could go bad. Then if it went well, so much the better. If this neighbor is really invested in her morality for her self concept, she might turn on you. Kudos for preparing.
   I think of a nephew of mine who was the only family member to reject me. He might be described as a redneck I guess. I wrote him a letter telling him of my situation and never got any response. My niece is fine. When I went down for my mother's funeral, he stayed in another room and didn't talk to me. I can't say I feel real friendly towards him, because his attitude keeps me from my other loved ones. My door is still open though, even if just for a question. Maybe in time, he'll lighten up. I'm told it is religion that bothers him. I think it is just an excuse though, he didn't object to me being atheist. I thought of a follow up letter, but no, I will not open myself up to be hurt if he doesn't show interest.
   Kate, I hope you will let us know how it goes telling your kids. Figures crossed for you.
Warmly,
Moni

[Susan R]

Hi Susan,
   You are smart to go into telling someone you think might be hostile with a little self protection. I guess this is why each person I told, I mentally prepared that it could go bad. Then if it went well, so much the better. If this neighbor is really invested in her morality for her self concept, she might turn on you. Kudos for preparing....
   
  ....I thought of a follow up letter.

I have never been in direct conflict with this neighbor in any way since I met her 6 years ago but she might be the type that would turn on me before completely shutting the door.  It is possible that she might not even let me finish with my complete life story and explanation.  This neighbor is strongly set in her beliefs.

I was also thinking ofof using a letter within a letter approach like I did last month with a very long distance sibling.  I sent a somewhat non-revealing letter to prepare her explaining my need to make some life changes and explained what triggered me to share this information with her.  Then I enclosed a 3 page letter of my life story from birth to the present day...the parts of my life she did not know.  This ended up being a very successful way to do it.  Since I live so close to this neighbor lady friend, i was thinking I had to do it in person.  Perhaps though, the "letter within the letter" idea might be better to get her to take the time to really "hear me out—start to finish".

Given the circumstances shared regarding my neighbor lady friend, which approach would you (or anyone else) think would have a better chance at success or most appropriate?

Susan R🌷

[HappyMoni]

Susan,
   If you want to make sure to explain your story, and you think she might cut you off, the letter might be best. I liked telling face to face because I could look at their faces and get a better feel for their true reactions. It is kind of personal preference, I guess. I think your letter in a letter idea is genius. You prep them to listen up. I really think preparing someone that something important is about to be discussed is so, so important. Good on ya!
Moni

[Susan R]

I have a specific question resulting from my coming out to my children.  It's more of a conundrum than anything.  By months end, all 3 daughters and family will know about my life change.  I was at my TG support group last night and surprisingly no one had a good answer to this so I am reaching out to see if anyone here has some good ideas regarding this question.

I'm currently introduced as "this is my Dad" by my 3 girls at any outings, BBQ's, weddings, , picnics, grandkid's birthday parties, etc... I'm going to start presenting as myself at all these events very soon.  Ultimately, it will be up to my children and what they feel most comfortable calling me.  However, if they ask me how I want to be introduced, what would I say to them?

Two caveats to keep in mind though...

1) I prefer NOT to be called "Dad" while presenting as Susan with my wife at any of these gatherings.

2) I prefer it NOT be impersonal, distant, or lacking any kind of relational connection. (For instance, "This is Susan" or "This is my mom's spouse, Susan").

Anyone have any ideas on how my kids could finish this sentence below?

This is my Mom and this is ____________.

Any advice would be greatly appreciated.

Susan R🌷

[CynthiaAnn]

Hi Susan, I always liked the sound of "Maddy", but I realize this is very personal for you.

I have family personal I go by with just us and their friends....

Hope things are well with you....

Cynthia -

[KatieP]

I have a specific question resulting from my coming out to my children.  It's more of a conundrum than anything.  By months end, all 3 daughters and family will know about my life change.  I was at my TG support group last night and surprisingly no one had a good answer to this so I am reaching out to see if anyone here has some good ideas regarding this question.

I'm currently introduced as "this is my Dad" by my 3 girls at any outings, BBQ's, weddings, , picnics, grandkid's birthday parties, etc... I'm going to start presenting as myself at all these events very soon.  Ultimately, it will be up to my children and what they feel most comfortable calling me.  However, if they ask me how I want to be introduced, what would I say to them?

Two caveats to keep in mind though...

1) I prefer NOT to be called "Dad" while presenting as Susan with my wife at any of these gatherings.

2) I prefer it NOT be impersonal, distant, or lacking any kind of relational connection. (For instance, "This is Susan" or "This is my mom's spouse, Susan").

Anyone have any ideas on how my kids could finish this sentence below?

This is my Mom and this is ____________.

Any advice would be greatly appreciated.

Susan R

So, it seems to me you are saying you don't want Left, and you don't want right. I don't see an obvious option that is both personal and not something that will connect you to the old person.

Kate

[Faith]

Ultimately, you decide what's right for you .. you decided if the cost is worth it.

I am Dad to my children, I have always been Dad, I will always be Dad so long as that is what they wish to call me. In this particular instance, I feel that their comfort is more important than mine. Should they decide that calling me Dad is weird and pick something else or if they keep calling me Dad either way is OK with me. I am their Dad. My current status has not changed that one whit.

You have to decide what works for you, just remember, it may not work for them and you have to live with that.

[Susan R]

Hi Susan, I always liked the sound of "Maddy", but I realize this is very personal for you.

I have family personal I go by with just us and their friends....

Hope things are well with you....

Cynthia -

Hi Cynthia, Maddy is a cute name.  Maybe my kids will come up with a nickname that I'll like too.  Things are really going well right now...much better than I expected at this stage in my journey.  Thanks again for your input and support.

So, it seems to me you are saying you don't want Left, and you don't want right. I don't see an obvious option that is both personal and not something that will connect you to the old person.

Kate

Actually Kate, I'm probably looking for something that may not yet exist in our English vocabulary...possibly a neutral gendered term of endearment.  I'm not so much looking for a name they can call me directly to get my attention but a name they can introduce me as to others I have not yet met.  But I was hoping for one that would not leave an awkward moment at the time of introduction.  "Dad" has a male gendered term and would no doubt cause exactly that.

...Should they decide that calling me Dad is weird and pick something else or if they keep calling me Dad either way is OK with me. I am their Dad....

....You have to decide what works for you, just remember, it may not work for them and you have to live with that.

Ultimately Faith, I'll let them call me whatever they want.  I want them to feel comfortable when introducing me.  And really this is a question of how to be introduced to others when I'm full time which will be coming up very soon.  At home, at a restaurant, or on a picnic, it makes no difference if they call me Dad, my dead name, or what have you.  In front of others though, while being introduced, this is what I'm trying to find a compromise.  There may not be one but I thought I'd see if anyone else had one before giving up on "comfortable introductions".

Susan R🌷

[Quinn]

Honestly I would think most of the time your children could just call you Susan. If a situation occurs and they need to something more maybe then come up with a goto. using "Parent" may work, they may think its a bit strange not to say mom or dad but using Dad would be even stranger, not many people would actually try and push the issue, after the initial introduction just steer the conversation away and it will be quickly forgotten.

[Susan R]

Honestly I would think most of the time your children could just call you Susan. If a situation occurs and they need to something more maybe then come up with a goto. using "Parent" may work, they may think its a bit strange not to say mom or dad but using Dad would be even stranger, not many people would actually try and push the issue, after the initial introduction just steer the conversation away and it will be quickly forgotten.

Thanks Quinn.  I agree, it looks like I'll probably go by this default assuming my children are ok with it too.

"Parents" works very well if I'm right there with my wife being introduced.

"These are my parents...[insert wife's name] and Susan"

It doesn't seem to work quite as well if I'm introduced by myself but it's much better than "Dad".

"This is my parent, Susan" or maybe "This is one of my parents, Susan"

Thanks again for your suggestion, Quinn.  I'm feeling very good about these options.  They seem to accomplish both goals mentioned above.

Susan R🌷

[KatieP]

"This is one of my parents, Susan"

Oooooooohhhhhh. I LIKE it! To the listener, you might be the mom...

Very good...

Kate

[Allie Jayne]

Thank you Susan for starting this topic, and to all the ladies who have responded. I too, am in this group of transitioners with children in their 30's, and grand kids I adore, and this topic covers a source of anxiety for me. My children have known all their lives that their Dad has a strong feminine side, my daughter calls me "second Mum". My son knows that I cry at, well, almost anything emotional, but then, he does too. It's not so much my children, or grandchildren I worry about, but their extended families. I know my daughters in laws will make derogatory comments when they find out, and may pressure my son in law to keep me away from grand kids. I am very slowly easing through getting everybody used to an ever more feminine me, and hoping it all goes well. I'm also working at making myself so much a part of their lives that they would have trouble cutting me out.

Neighbours are another challenge altogether. All my neighbours know I am the long haired house keeper who does all the domestic duties while my wife does all the outside work at home. I'm tipping many would have noticed there are only female clothes on our washing line except for my work uniforms. The keener eyes would also notice two different sizes of everything, especially bras. I'm not expecting them to understand, but I'm not expecting them to be shocked either.

My plan is to wait until HRT has people asking what is going on before I come out, as I believe it will be easier for people to accept if the vision before them matches the gender I must be. It is still a scary part of transition, and I have gained so much insight form this topic, so, once again, thank you all.

Allie

[JudiBlueEyes]

My daughter in law has always called me by my name.   My son calls me Dad but I am working on that as it would not be cool to be in public and have it happen.  One or both of us would be looked at as being crazy!

[Susan R]

Oooooooohhhhhh. I LIKE it! To the listener, you might be the mom...

Very good...

Kate

Good point, Kate.  I might as well have some fun with it..no?!

Neighbours are another challenge altogether....

My plan is to wait until HRT has people asking what is going on before I come out, as I believe it will be easier for people to accept if the vision before them matches the gender I must be. It is still a scary part of transition, and I have gained so much insight form this topic, so, once again, thank you all.

Allie

And thank you Allie.  I very much appreciate your comment and your time.

As far as my neighbors, I only have the one lady friend that concerns me at this point.  My wife & I have a great relationship with her and it will be put directly to the test when I tell her.  The rest of the neighbors are either new to the neighborhood, keep to themselves, or won't give a darn about me transitioning.  Over the past 7 months, I've lost 70 pounds which many neighbors have attributed my "facial and body changes" to that with the exception of my much longer hair.  When I finally come out, it'll still be a surprise but it will be "lightbulb turning on" moment for them.  They'll all finally be able to put all the pieces of the puzzle together.

...My son calls me Dad but I am working on that as it would not be cool to be in public and have it happen.  One or both of us would be looked at as being crazy!

Yes, that was my thinking too, Judi.  Which is the reason I was hoping for some suggestions about this.  I think I have some realistic options in front of me now.

Susan R🌷

[HappyMoni]

Hi Susan, I don't think there is a perfect answer to this. My kids settled on parent or Moni. I like 'Moni' because it sounds a lot like 'Mommie' but I don't tell them that. Rarely, at home, they might refer to me saying "my Dad.' That's cool with me. They surprised me one year with Moni Day, saying Father's Day didn't seem quite right anymore. My son has a dog now so I am Grandmoni. I wasn't thrilled with being called Grandma anyway. lol Look forward to hearing about your other daughters.

Wait, you lost 70 pounds? Wow that's great! Congrats!

[Susan R]

Hi Susan, I don't think there is a perfect answer to this. My kids settled on parent or Moni. I like 'Moni' because it sounds a lot like 'Mommie' but I don't tell them that. Rarely, at home, they might refer to me saying "my Dad.' That's cool with me. They surprised me one year with Moni Day, saying Father's Day didn't seem quite right anymore. My son has a dog now so I am Grandmoni. I wasn't thrilled with being called Grandma anyway. lol Look forward to hearing about your other daughters.

Wait, you lost 70 pounds? Wow that's great! Congrats!

Hi Moni, I'm really happy about the use of 'parent or parents' along with 'Susan' when being introduced.  It has the desired relational connection to my daughters (and son-in laws) with a personal touch by the use of my name.  I think it works well.

Also Moni,  thank you for the congrats...now the hard part...maintaining my current weight for the rest of my life one day at a time.  Weight has a way of slowly creeping up on us doesn't it?  I'm ready it time around.😉

I'll be sure to update here on how it goes with my daughters and their families next weekend.  I'm really looking forward to getting it all out there and starting a new relationship of acceptance and openness with them.

Susan R🌷

[HappyMoni]

Best of luck with the coming out and the weight. I really have to watch it since being post op. The metabolism sure does change. If I could just get it to go to my butt!

[Susan R]

Coming Out Update:

This week has been very interesting, painful and life changing to say this least.

Well, it started early this week with a completely unavoidable error.  A text app bug that causes the window or screen to jump if the page is not fully loaded and a text was sent to the wrong person...it's an ongoing issue with this text app but hadn't ever caused any real trouble or embarrassment until now.

While my wife was sending her good friend a text update about our PFLAG meeting (an LGBTQ support group) regarding the previous evening, the text was sent inadvertently to our daughter.  We thought if our daughter knew what the PFLAG acronym meant or noticed it in the text.  If so, the jig was up..  We decided, instead of waiting to find out if she knew, to just call her and set up a time to talk.  It was just time to get it over with once and for all and tell her my truth.  We were initially going to tell this daughter last because we were not sure if she would keep quiet about it until we could talk to the very last of our 3 daughters.

Well, our daughter came over to our place on Tuesday evening...alone.  Her new 2nd hubby of 1 week was at home watching our grandson.  My wife and I talked to her for about an hour and she had no issues at all with me being Susan or any aspect of my transitioning.  She said there was no need to read my letter or my life testimony right there & then.  In fact she spent most of the evening sharing about HER wild & crazy years in the LGBTQ community.  I felt bad that she would not read it with me there..but she was in a hurry, apparently.  I told her to please read it in front of her new hubby when she got home and text me how it went with him.  About 2 hours went by and I receive a text saying, "It went ok.  I'm really tired and need to sleep now. Good nite."

The following day, Wednesday was not a good day for me.  My wife & I received another text from that daughter and they said they are no longer going to a family May 5th birthday party.  I was planning to meet all the families wearing some skinny jeans, ladies sneakers and a little mascara...for a sort of an androgynous look.  My intention is not to shock anyone but to just look less masculine.  Our daughter also texted that she is now canceling her June 23rd wedding reception because she and her new hubby don't feel comfortable with his parents meeting me as Susan.  We texted them that we didn't want to spoil her reception and that we can either forego coming to the reception or just come as my male persona if they preferred that.  As of this writing, her wedding reception is still canceled.🙁

An hour later, my other daughter (the first daughter I came out to) texts and says she is buying some Trans educational children's books for the kids but would prefer us to forgo attending The upcoming May 5th Birthday party for my grandson (their son).  They aren't ready to expose the kids to Susan and they don't want to make Susan wear male clothes just to attend the party.  I have to admit, these conversations really hurt but I had told each of my daughters that "it was up to them how to tell them about Susan and when to allow them to meet Susan."  I have to stick by this no matter how painful it is.

On Thursday, we drove down to my youngest daughters home west of Olympia, WA.  The kids were in school Friday until 4:30pm so we decided to tell them in the afternoon before the kids got home. It went surprisingly well.  My daughter held my hand and gave me a big hug. And she shed a tear or two.  Both of them were very affirming and accepting of Susan.  When the kids arrived home we went on a 2 mile walk in the woods near their home and then we went out for dinner.  It was fun.  We got home and made some coffee and all sat down together.  I slowly and carefully explained my life story to the kids at their age level (ages 8 & 10).  I didn't lose their focus and they had many question after carefully listening.  They both accepted me and will start calling me "Grammy Susan".  These kids were wonderful about it all.   I truly think they just want me to be happy.

Everything went really well in regards to my "coming out" to my last daughter.  I'm just not sure if there will be a little "pull back" after some time has passed.   This seems to be what happened after coming out with the first two daughters.  Time will tell with them too I suppose.

So at this point, all my friends and family know except one neighbor lady friend.  I'm almost completely out now and my stress level is waning.  I thought "coming out" the first time would be the hardest but it might end up being the very last that will be the most difficult.

Thank you all for reading this rather long update,
Susan R🌷