Gay Transguy dealing with partners new identity

[green27]

Hey friends,

I need some advice. I'm a gay transguy and my partner of 5 years has recently come out to me as gender fluid (80% girl and 20% guy). When we met we both bonded over our passion for sterotypically male activities such as hunting, fishing and camping.They know that the kind of men I'm attracted to are more masculine guys and they share that attraction. I've been trying to be supportive as they don't want to transition socially becaue they say their career is too established but they want me to call them female pronouns, wear makeup and female clothing at home.

I thought that I coukd do this but as soon as they put on "girl clothes" all they want to do is have sex. I'm very uncomfortable with this because I experienced sexual assault by a female when I was a kid and I have somehow linked certain aspects of femininity with that trauma. (I've been working on this in therapy for a long time) When I expressed my discomfort with my partner I was accused of being transphobic. They had a breakdown and threatened to kill themselves, I've tried to convince them to seek professional help but they will not. So I've kind of been gritting my teeth and pushing through the discomfort and constant sex.

I hate this, I have suggested breaking up, being in an open relationship, and every option is met with threats kf suicide. I own the home we live in and I would honestly not feel right about asking them to leave because I am worried that they would kill themselves. I feel like we could make this work if they would just be a little more compassionate about my feelings here.

To further complicate the situation they hinted that they have a secret twitter. I shouldn't have looked but I did, on this twitter they claim to be a MTF lesbian and have repeatedly claimed that I am a female. They even posted some pictures of my body pre-op that I sent to my surgeon before surgery, i am not identifiable in them but it certainly didn't feel good to see that. They seem to want to live out this lesbian fantasy and I'm so torn about what to do.

I know this is a lot, but does anybody have advice for me?

[F_P_M]

Honestly this sounds pretty toxic. Have they acted like this previously? Threatening to hurt themselves to manipulate you? keeping secrets?

It sounds like the clothes might in fact be more a fetish than a gender identity if as soon as they are in girl's clothes they want to have sex. That's not really transgender, that's a kink.

I don't know what to advise, but this all sounds rather concerning.

Sharing private images of you is really unacceptable, just a huge betrayal of trust.

I don't know what to do when a partner is being emotionally manipulative, that's a really difficult thing. You don't want them to hurt themselves of course, but at the same time the threat to do so is utterly cruel and purely to get their own way.

To do something you express discomfort over as well, especially sex? No way. A breech of boundries like that is a big no no. Coercing someone into sex with threats isn't consentual sex.

They sound way out of line and i'm sorry you're having to deal with this. I hope someone else has a good suggestion for how to handle it.

[Moonflower]

green27, I'm feeling your pain. What a scary situation to be in! Worried that anything that your partner does might be your fault!

Whatever your partner chooses to do is their choice. You can't control how your partner behaves, or what they want.

You can only control your own choices, and you have some very difficult ones to make. I'm glad that you're working on your issues in therapy. I wonder how you feel about the progress you've been making, and how you feel about your relationship with your therapist.

You mentioned a few choices that you have. I encourage you to continue brainstorming:

• consider reconnecting with masculine male friends
• refuse to have sexual interactions with your partner when she's female
• focus your therapy on recovering from your sexual assault
• focus your therapy on how to respond to someone who threatens to harm themselves or others
• work on figuring out how you want this story to end
• consider overlooking the "secret" Twitter account

How many more choices can you add to the list? Be brave, daring, outrageous, creative...

Your power is in your choices, and recognizing that you are never responsible for others' choices.

Best wishes to you,
Grace

[Dena]

Complete honesty is important in any long term relationship. If you can't be honest or your partner can't be honest, you will probably be better off ending it now rather than latter. It's time for a serious talk and if needed, do it with a couples consoler. If your partner is unwilling to do this, the pain of separation now will be less that the pain you will have latter.

[JamesG]

With this complex a relationship and conflicts, I'd say you absolutely need counselor, more like a mediator, to help you sort out your issues and find resolutions to them.

[SadieBlake]

Hate to say it, the main solution I see is DTMFA :-(.

Vocalizing suicidal or other violent intent while refusing to get help would be the main event here for me, posting a partner's images and publicly misgendering also deal breakers.