Are women more aggressive at pursuing other women than pursuing men?

[Nightfall]

I had girls pursue me as a teen boy, but usually it involved a lot of games. More of a problem for me were friends that with no warning decided that our friendship needed kissing all the way up to nudity. Up until my late teens almost all of my closest friends were girls, and almost all of them at some point wanted it to be more than friends. It led to a lot of anger toward women that lasted for a long time. I know it was all my fault with three of them because I did try for more, my hormones did work even if they had no specific direction at the time and I didn't want anyone to think that I was gay. I had gone through all of that and moved far away so no one knew about the whole wanting to be a girl thing. It never worked though. Yes I was really mean to girls by my late teens, definitely not proud of that. I do have a couple of girls that have been friends since then, but they knew what my sexuality was before I did and never tried to be more than friends. Then there were many, many years when not many pursued me at all to my relief.

The last couple of years though it is happening again only complete strangers are far more forward about it than they ever have been before. Even more bold about it than most men. I am a woman now and it feels strange though I have no anger about it. I have no problem letting them know that I am only into men. Ever have a woman claim their man when you walk by, sit or stand near, things like that? That is what I call it anyway. They go from feet away to real close in a heartbeat, get sexual or snuggly and try to get all of their attention. It came as a complete shock the first time I saw a girl claim her girlfriend when I sat at the table beside them. It is pretty normal for women to stare at another woman so I didn't think anything about it when this young girl was staring at me while the hostess was showing us our table. When we got close the girl she was eating with turned to see what she was looking at and stared at me too. When we sat at the table beside them the one that had her back toward us as we were walking up immediately went to the other side of the table and claimed her woman. I have had many more women ask me out, or come on to me in some way in the last two years than I had in the more than 40 years that came before.

So, are women more aggressive in pursuing other women than when a woman is interested in a man? Obviously the change in times and more acceptance for lesbian or bisexual women makes it easier to be more open about it. I don't think being open and aggressive are the same thing though. I got lunch today, a very beautiful, twenty two year old tops girl behind the counter kept staring at me while I was in line. She seemed nervous but very attentive while taking my order and getting my food, then while I am asking if the tuna sandwich was good and getting my food, she takes my hand and holds it. She is just smiling at me and I have to ask the question again. She said that she thought so, that she would make me a small one and I can try it. I said that I would just try it the next time. She said that she is in tomorrow, I should come back then. I don't think fast enough, and was completely flabbergasted so just said Okay, retrieved my hand and food and got out as quick as I could. I am sure a relief to all of the impatient people behind me in line. I have dealt with aggressive guys before, even aggressive and attractive younger guys but that was pretty aggressive for that environment. It felt that way to me anyway, what do you think? They make the best pretzel bites I have ever had, of course I will go back, not sure how to handle all of that so maybe not tomorrow. Seems that I should be a good enough person to confront it but to be honest I don't know how. I have been worrying at the whole thing since then. There is so much I don't understand, so much more since transitioning that I don't understand and not one thing about today's encounter that I understand.

Does anyone have any experience or insight that can help?

[Nikkimn]

Yes.


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[Maid Marion]

Logically they have to.  The only way for two women to get together is for one of them to make the first move, even though the custom is to wait for the guy to go first.

[krobinson103]

I had to be quite forward and aggressive initially to catch my girlfriends attention. In the end though she was the more aggressive lol so yes I would agree.

[Kylo]

I would say yes, particularly these days. A lot of men are wary of touching women, asking them out etc. because of the idea of "rape culture" has now been firmly fixed in the public conscious. Some have walked away altogether, while I see women now happily (or sometimes unhappily) pursuing men, as well as other women.

But women are, in general, more tactile both with each other and with men and this is usually considered more socially acceptable when it comes from a woman. While I don't nearly agree it's always benign from a woman, that is what society believes on the whole, so women do get more touchy feeling with others, and openly possessive. If you were raised as a male and taught not to be so tactile with everyone, I can imagine it might bother you. I was raised surrounded by women and people who were like this and I do not enjoy being touched by strangers regardless of their gender... didn't even like it much from relatives to be honest. Women may be less aware when they are doing it, perhaps because society doesn't mind them doing it as much as it minds men doing it, but I also think they know when they are doing it, and can use it in a calculated way.

The last few years there have been some social changes underway. I know that many men are now wary of dating women. Many have told me so. It could be that women are becoming more aggressive in other ways if it is becoming more difficult for them in that regard - if men are not pursuing them, then they may have to start pursuing men. Maybe they are just getting more 'adventurous'. Maybe the LGBT stuff in society has made them more "pursuant". I don't know. I haven't noticed it much, but then I haven't socialized too much in the last couple of years. Modern feminism has invited women to behave more like men these days, and wants men to take a back seat, so perhaps that is taking effect.     

[Nightfall]

Thank you all for your replies.
  I guess that my real question was... You know, I don't know how to word it better. Sorry. I have been chased by women as a male, and now as a female. The only thing I can say is that it is different, completely. Kylo hit on something that I have thought about and that is that it is not so much the gender but the times. After mulling it over all day I believe that it might be both.
  First off I did confront the amorous girl today. Honestly I was overthinking it yesterday, it wasn't that hard to get her to let it go. I just worked age into the conversation, it hasn't failed me yet with a younger person. Wait no, my nephew's one friend didn't care, he just wanted to have sex. Too bad with him, my neice's one friend said he is huge and was amazing in bed. So, back on track. She asked me what I was doing this weekend, there was a club that she wanted to go to, would I like to go. All I had to tell her was that in my twenties I would have, probably even in my thirties but I am almost 50 and it didn't have the appeal it once did. Not true, I love going to a good club, but it had the desired effect. Oh my god, you don't look it! You are older than my mom. So problem solved.
  I absolutely hate being touched by anyone that I don't trust completely. My family is touchy-feely but it wasn't acceptable for me to touch so much, they always made me hug people though, it infuriated me. You don't have to be touching people all of the time, you have to stop, but you still have to hug family hello and goodbye. Stop holding your cousin's hand, if her mother wants you to sit on her lap you had better do it though. My two best friends and my boyfriend I am always in physical contact with but anyone else I am screaming inside. I let it happen but it is mentally and physically painful. That whole thing with Biden, I have had men do that to me the last few years, arms around my shoulders and kiss me on the head and it makes sick inside, but it is almost as bad if a woman does the same thing. Yet I had a guy one one time lay his hand on my shoulder then run it up under my hair and rub the back of my neck. It melted all of the parts of me that didn't get all shivery. What's up with that?
  Umm, back on track? I understand your point Kylo, to quote Bob Dylan, "Times they are a changing." I cannot help but feel that this is different though. Women that make advances at me are of two groups, ones that are very clearly wanting a girly girl, seems kind of normal right? The other more common ones who seem to be coming from of a place of, we are all just girls, let's play. Does that make sense? It is how they treat me like a toy and don't really seem like that should be a problem. Just like any perverted old guy does. Now they are not as crude or repulsive but the end effect is still the same. My favorite breakfast restaurant there was a girl that worked at for almost a year. Mid thirties, pretty, and very nice to everyone. I go there most Saturday mornings with my friends. She acted like I was some kind of treat, my friends still talk about it. I have had girls chase me way back when, some very persistent and forceful but it was nothing like this, even when they are being neither persistent or forceful. It may very well be a product of our time but I can't help but feel that they would not act nearly the same if I were a guy, if they would make a move at all. Remember I went twenty years with hardly any girls showing any interest at all.
  I guess that I just don't understand it so I keep prodding it with my tongue like a loose tooth.

[Stacy]

Just a thought...from a guy perspective about old times, I've been approached almost only by guys in my life and it was huge and obvious. For the few girls that have done something similar, it was so subtle that we could miss it totally easily. So I guess between guys it can be pretty aggressive too. I wished that the girls would have been like that with me. Even if I surrounded myself mostly of female friends because I cannot stand most of the guys, not much happened.

[JMJW]

No woman has ever pursued me in any presentation, but I have kind of noticed others I know getting into it in a more ...forward way when it comes to queer relationships.

[Nightfall]

So, would a girl coming on to you have been preferable? This question is for JMJW and Stacy, curious is all.
  I was 22 when I got my first crush, it was a guy and it devastated me. Before I don't believe I had an attraction to either, though girls were definitely a no and guys were like a, Okay, if you must. I know we talk about transphobia and internalized transphobia on this site, my big issue was internalized homophobia growing up. Really awful of me, I told many women that I was gay to avoid having sex with them and then denied it if they told everyone. I was so popular that everyone believed me and not them and they got ridiculed because of it. I was much worse than that to some women. Yeah, I was terrible then and I wish I could take it all back. I was really bad at trying so people didn't think I was gay, then realizing I couldn't and said the worst things. One time I was trying to have sex in my grandfather's bed, after my grandma passed and I was taking care of my grandfather while I was waiting to go into the army, it was so bad and after a bit I told her to get the F out.(My grandfather was not home and I had just washed his sheets so relax) I was her ride so I let her call someone to pick her up but I made her leave, would not even let her wait for her ride, in the mountains where we lived it was a long wait. Yes, I wish I could take it back. It was always easier with guys, back then there were a few older guys that would buy alcohol for me if I took care of them. Not that I desired them but it didn't bother me much. I know what that makes me, think what you want, I have been and done worse.
  It is just so bizarre that as a woman I once again have to fend off the advances of women. Guys make sense but with girls it just blows me away. One thing I will say is that women are much less of a pain about it than men.

[Stacy]

Of course it would have been preferable. I was too shy to initiate the first contact. I was hoping always that a girl do the first step. I was not caring at all for guys, and in fact it was frustrating me enormously. Not them directly, but for girls to not do the same. Why it has always to be guys? I had female friends that said that I was attractive, well or I was for guys more than girls, or girls were just not going forward. It's probably both. That said, my shyness would have not been compatible with a exuberant girl, and I suppose they are the most "aggressive" like you described by taking your hands. I mean in long term, I would have not be similar enough to her, and being too different doesn't work well. But it doesn't have to be an aggressive approach. It can be affirmative, and soft, and still be obvious. It happened, but it was rare. When it happened it was easy enough to guess without being too pushy. I liked this way very much. Also I always thought that it was totally unfair for guys to have the pressure to do the first step. Such rule should not exist. It's not surprising that girls don't do the first step with this kind of society programming. But you never know if it's you, or this, or something else. It just add more mud and prevent a clear vision of what is going on.

[Nightfall]

It has to be harder being shy. I think we will see a change in how women approach men soon. Kylo is pretty accurate, men are changing how they approach women, it will have an impact.

It will be interesting to watch how things change in the next ten to twenty years.