Hi, I'm a trans guy/FTM in my 30s and technically just getting started on my transition journey, officially anyway, despite always knowing this is who I am.
I've been hiding myself in plain sight all my life trying to be who I am, but only enough that people don't notice me much.
I was telling kids on the playground that I'm a boy when I was 8, but that turned into brutal bullying when physical changes happened and my voice didn't change, which led to me trying to learn to be invisible through school years.
I've always worn strictly "masculine" clothing (but a lot of that is neutral anyway right), I ask for a "really short pixie cut" when I'm getting my hair cut (looks nothing like a pixie cut, just the best way to get short hair without saying what I really mean), but that's all surface stuff. If people see me from the corner of their eye they know I'm a guy, but not if I talk or if they look at my face too much.
To my family I'm like some kind of failed "woman" who just didn't get married (I can't even interact with people), never had kids, looks "mannish" (thanks I guess), and if I'd "just put some effort" into looking good I might live up to their standards. They have no idea how much effort I put into just being me and refusing to be anyone else.
All of this started killing me around the end of 2018, I had been waiting for my parents to pass away or something before I "did something extreme" which in my mind was either finally trying to get actual help or coming up with an exit plan. I lost it at a doctor's appointment, regular checkup, and told her why I've always dealt with depression and anxiety and how my life had always been like this and I was referred to a good supportive therapist who actually has trans clients.
I actually have hope for the first time.
I found this forum while trying to locate a doctor who can/will prescribe hormones for trans patients in my area (Upper MI) which is seeming like a hopeless search, but one of the users on here (a woman though) mentioned being sent in the right direction. I'll be trying to reach out to her to find out who was willing to help with her E and to ask if they also can help with T, but I'm too new to do things like send messages yet.
Still hopeful though, and I've been looking through other posts on here and you are all so inspirational.
One of my biggest regrets in life is that I looked up "people like me" in the early 2000s and knew I was trans but decided I could never access any help, because transitioning was only being mentioned in secretive news articles from strictly California about strictly children with supportive parents and what sounded like hundreds of thousands up front in surgical costs and I was early 20s, no support, stuck in rural Upper MI.
Seeing all the posts from people here, many of whom are older than me, gives me a lot of hope and I really don't think I'm "too late" or that I'm just some anomaly waiting for my life to pass.
