Struggling

[nadia1971]

Feeling needy today. 

I've introduced myself here at some point, but to recap, I'm a 48 year old assigned male woman.  I've lived nearly my entire life in the closet.  I was driven to the point of taking my own life as a teenager, and it was only through blind chance that my going through with it was interrupted.  For most of my life, I blamed my tangled gender identity on the madness leading to that day, when really it was my tangled gender identity and my inability to understand or accept what I was that led me there.  It's funny how the mind works.

Anyhow, I'm 25 years into a 30 year pension system as a public school teacher.  Several years ago, I took over as advisor for our GSA when the previous one retired.  It changed my life in ways I couldn't have expected.  Their acceptance of themselves made it pretty damned hard to continue hating myself what what I'd denied my entire life.  I began to let go of some of the denial and self-loathing, and I eventually came out to my wife.  I've since come out to a handful of other people, but I am not out or transitioning.

I've chosen to stay in the closet because I'm afraid of so many things, if I'm honest with myself.  I'm afraid that while my current district administration has done almost all the right things for our trans kids, that they might not be quite so accepting of a trans staff member.  I'm afraid that even if they are accepting, that leadership will turn over than the next ones won't be.  I'm afraid that the conservative community I work in will make it difficult to maintain my job.  I'm afraid that coming out as a trans woman will complicate what I do in school.  I work with students who struggle in math, and the setup requires them to be comfortable leaving their classroom to go over material with me.  If they're not willing to do that because their not accepting, my what's the point of employing me?  I'm afraid to come out to my 6 and 10 year old kids because I don't want them to have anxiety about kids at school knowing.  As a parent, I'm supposed to lighten their loads, not add to them.

You get the point, the list goes on and on.  I'm not ready to come out.  I'm not ready to transition, medically or socially. 

But I need it.  I yearn for it all the way down to my bones.  Normally, I "treat" it by finding some alone time in which I can be me.  Wig.  Makeup.  Dress.  *happy contented sigh*  The problem is that it's been almost three months since I had that opportunity. It's also been something like six weeks since I've been able to see my therapist.  Thankfully, I have an appointment on Thursday, and the timing, combined with taking the day off of work, should also allow me a couple of hours to rattle around the house as Nadia. 

I'm not looking for any solutions here.  I just needed to vent to folks who might understand.  Staying the closet is getting harder, now that I've found some self-acceptance.  I didn't expect that.  Five years until I can retire seems like an eternity right now.  If you're still reading, thank you.  I appreciate that you stuck it out.  I'm feeling pretty isolated and thinking about people taking the time with these words makes me feel less so.

[Linde]

Hi and welcome here! Many of us had to go through similar problems you face.  If it helps just a bit to vent here, we are all ears, all the time.  It took me about 15 to 16 years to slowly come out and develop my femininity, and come to the point I am at currently, a happy woman.

It might be possible for you to find enough little things that would allow you to hang in for those final  years.

Others will answer soon, and I am sure that they will have some very good ideas for you!

Good luck!

[Maid Marion]

In my case, the turning point was the realization that I had more than enough saved for retirement. 

Which is pretty much where you are trying to get.  Like you, I have doubts about our customers accepting me as a woman, though it is unlikely that there would be any issues with my co-workers.  So, I present plausibly male, though it is rare that I'll go to work without wearing something made for women. 

[HappyMoni]

Hi Nadia,
   Welcome! Happy to see you here. First off, if you aren't ready to take further steps, I respect that. I don't say what I say to tell you you should do different. I do have some experience with schools. I wonder what the laws are in the state you live in. In Maryland, I know my job is protected. When I came out, I surprisingly had great support. I know of two others in the system who have had success, one is a teacher. I think it very much depends on location though. A side effect of me coming out was very positive for other people. It wasn't my plan, that was just to become me. It did open a lot of people's eyes and I think help them to become more tolerant. My being trans has been a net positive effect on other people by far. You being trans could have positive effects on your students. I wouldn't assume the worst case scenario.
   If you get to a place down the road where the pressure to need to transition is too great, remember, it is easy to confuse reasons not to proceed. It can be easy to blame the effects on others for our inaction. Fear can make us say the effect on others will be too great, when really it is us being afraid. Let's face it, transition, blowing up your safe life to build a new one is scary. Transition or don't, but make it because it is right or wrong for what you need. If you are in a good place, that's awesome. Sorry, I didn't mean to welcome you with all this. My apologies!
Moni

[Anne Blake]

Hello Nadia,

Yes, five years is a long time to wait but transitioning is not a light switch process. There are parts that take years to achieve. Facial hair removal is a multi year process and getting it done after coming out really sucks. Developing a relationship with a laser and/or electrology technician and getting rid of unwanted facial hair would be a good place to start. Voice therapy is another area that can be started well ahead of any planned transition date, it takes time to develop a good speaking voice. There are several other baby steps that can be taken while still remaining totally in the closet. You will find many of them discussed on Susan's. By the way, welcome to the site, it really is a wonderful place to spend some time and get comfortable.

Tia Anne

[Ann W]

Staying the closet is getting harder, now that I've found some self-acceptance.  I didn't expect that.

Neither did I. 

I don't have any solutions for you, but I am glad you posted and shared your story and situation. I hope your therapist has some good suggestions.

[Dorit]

Hi Nadia dear!

This is a good place to be, a lot of good advice and acceptance.  I can completely understand what you have been going through.   I too had a mental collapse as a teen and came close to suicide with a lot of self harming.   Back then, all we could do was to internalize the shame and self-loathing, there were no answers.   Today it is so different, but for me it has taken years to really accept and love myself as a transsexual woman.   I believe that most of our fears of rejection from others is a projection of all the years of self rejection.  It certainly was for me.  As I decided that I had to transition before I died, I began at 68 years old, the  small steps that showed my fears were not so real.   Also intensive therapy has helped me to be more free of self condemnation and more self accepting.   It seems to be a good step to restart therapy.   I wish you the best!

[HappyMoni]

Nadia, I think I owe you an apology. You were venting and I hadn't had time to read your previous posts. I see from them that transition would be risky for you based on your community. I am sorry for not being more in tune with where you were coming from. I think its awesome that you took on the GSA supervisory position. I work with medically fragile students and students with Autism. They teach me life lessons all the time. Thank you for what you do. I hope you are able to become you soon. Waiting is tough.
Moni

[pamelatransuk]

Hello Nadia

I remained in the closet and only took action after retirement when my transgender status became so dominant that I was forced to seek therapy followed by HRT. I am publicly transitioning in Summer. I note you are finding it difficult to cope after accepting yourself to some degree.

My advice would be to do what I did for decades which was to crossdress and bodyshave but I appreciate you need privacy for such. It appears you already perform the former, may I suggest the latter please? May I also suggest painting your toenails and wearing female underwear both of which provide relief. Also as Anne Blake advises, you may wish to consider Laser and/or Electrolysis as preparation for transition.

I hope you find some resolution whichever methods you choose to employ.

Hugs

Pamela

[pamelatransuk]

Back then, all we could do was to internalize the shame and self-loathing, there were no answers.   Today it is so different, but for me it has taken years to really accept and love myself as a transsexual woman.   I believe that most of our fears of rejection from others is a projection of all the years of self rejection.  It certainly was for me.  As I decided that I had to transition before I died, I began at 68 years old, the  small steps that showed my fears were not so real.   

Hello Dorit

I am 64 and am at present 14 months HRT and will definitely be publicly transitioning in Summer.

I agree wholeheartedly with your post above:

1. Now it is so different; the transgender subject is discussed more openly.
2. Self rejection causes fear of rejection by others.
3. As stated in my previous post, I was forced to take action aged 62 but I don't deny that I certainly did not wish to reach my deathbed - hopefully many years from now - without having transitioned or at least having tried to.

If we choose to transition, it must be both for us and at the right time for us!

Wishing you happiness and success.

Hugs

Pamela

[nadia1971]

Thanks so much everyone.  So much wisdom and support.  It means the world to me.  I've been shaving and expanding my wardrobe to include items that make me feel more feminine.  Those activities are very therapeutic.  My skin is (finally) getting used to it, so I no longer feel like hamburger afterword.  I'm grateful that I'm in the middle range for body hair.  I can't imagine what it's like for some.  I've also been setting aside money for a more permanent solution a bit at a time.  I appreciate the reminders about the small steps one can take before the big ones.  All of this makes me feel like I can tackle this.  I was already feeling better after I posted, but coming back and reading what you had to say has really brought me back to a more centered mental state.  I'm glad I found this place.