Don't connect with trans women who prefer an "alternative" lifestyle...

[Victoria L.]

I maybe kind of get where the topic creator is coming from... but I'm just taking my own interpretation, because it is very vague.

It's hard to describe. Like, I'm not at all conservative politically (like, not even remotely), but I would say that in other ways I am very conservative. I don't drink, I don't do drugs, I don't go to bars. In fact, the idea of going to a bar repulses me. I don't even particularly like being around people who are drinking or doing drugs. It makes me feel uncomfortable.

Growing up, I had this association that's what trans people do. I have a feeling it came from my mom, because I remember one time her asking me after I came out "So are you going to go to bars now?" I'm like "No!" and had no idea where that came from, because I've never been like that, why would that change? But it seems like I've long had that notion in my head that's what trans people are like, too. =/

Now, there's nothing wrong with anyone doing those things, it just isn't me, so I won't do it. It's a ridiculous notion anyway, there is nothing inherently about being trans that means you have to do those things. I just certainly grew up with that notion and it's been a hard one to break, even knowing that I'm not like that, and knowing other trans people that are a lot like me.

For me, being trans altogether has always been something I wished to hide, even though I don't think trans people in general should have to. It's just like, me, I would really like to just be a cis woman. I just want to exist in the same circles and environments I always have, just being me. Without any splash, without any fanfare. Without any of the transphobia, for sure. During my teenage years I had this strong sense of feeling like I had been "robbed" of that, and you know, I guess I haven't completely grown out of that. I'm just realizing, transition has to happen one way or another.

Well, that was a big mess of a post. 

[Linde]

I am pretty much like Virelai, I jut don't have parents around anymore to question me.  I never was really interested in bars, and I don't think that this would ever change.  I have yet to see a gay/lesbian club from the inside, actually, I don't even know where these kind of establishments are!
And like she, I am rather on the left side of the political spectrum, Reagan would have included me in his bleeding heart liberal tree huggers, and I am a feminist.  But that does not make me to be alternative.  I feel pretty comfy with my cis girl friends, and just want to blend in!

[Chloe]

Like, I'm not at all conservative politically (like, not even remotely) . . . Well, that was a big mess of a post. 

Great sentiment/post @Virelai your certainly not alone! I agree with everything you expressed (don't drink, go to bars/parties) EXCEPT very first statement (above) . . . if I hold it against you decorum dictates will keep own views to self!

Can I at least chalk your political attitudes up to "youth"? I'm not a "feminist" either would never advocate open war on "the entire other half of the world population"! lol You can call me a "FERT"!

The only thing I OBJECT to in this thread is the title itself: "Don't connect with . . . " reads like an IMPERITIVE, something I MUST do (while I do know that was not OP's intent).

[CindyLouFromCO]

Maybe you're reading into their bonding too much?

I don't know...  I remember a friend from a transgender group I went to when I lived in a larger metro that called me up asking me why the other girls don't want to do things with her.  I told her I do not do anything with anyone from the group other than her.  I also told her that only two others actually do things together outside of group.  I told her the only time we do things together is after group and you don't normally go because you have other things you need to do.

Some of these girls had been going to group for years and had been in the same stage of transition so they have formed a comfortable friendship at group that showed.  That's all it was though.

I don't know your group dynamics.  I just know that I can say that maybe you're not missing out on friendships like you think.

Just be yourself and take advantage of group by talking about what you want to talk about when it is your turn.  Offer others your support.

[Janes Groove]

I am curious to what you mean by an 'alternative' lifestyle.

You beat me to it.  What's weird is that there were 7 responses to the OP before this question was even raised!!!!!!!
Am I missing something?  Is there some secret code out there?  What exactly does "Alternative Lifestyle" even mean?

[CindyLouFromCO]

You beat me to it.  What's weird is that there were 7 responses to the OP before this question was even raised!!!!!!!
Am I missing something?  Is there some secret code out there?  What exactly does "Alternative Lifestyle" even mean?

That is a total 90's phrase to me.  I guess it's a relative term for everyone.

[KristySims]

Am I missing something?  Is there some secret code out there?  What exactly does "Alternative Lifestyle" even mean?

LOL I know right!?  I guess we will all remain in a mysterious fog until the OP has come back to the thread

[Colleen_definitely]

Some say that it refers to people who don't act exactly the same as "normal" people do.


I believe that it's something you say before you figure out just how weird "normal" people actually are.

[Nightfall]

  Have to admit it is a head scratcher.

Kink? Maybe, but of the two friends of mine that are into that only one is trans. Not for me either way, yikes!

Bars? I don't personally know anyone that goes to bars regularly other than the girl that does my nails. She is a wild child and would probably be a blast to go out with once, I haven't been brave enough for that yet. My small group of girlfriends, all cis, like to go dancing once a month, it is so much fun. None of us drink much when we are dancing, we usually do that when we get together to play cards or just lounging on my one friend's deck some evenings. Or Canal Days on the Chesapeake Canal, oh my god that is so much fun! The docks are are full and usually there are two extra lines of boats tied together, hang out with your friends or go from boat to boat catching up with friends you haven't seen since last year. Okay, getting away from the point. Many people regularly go to bars or party, I don't really think of it as a trans thing, and not a lifestyle for me. I really enjoy the couple of groups of friends that I have though whatever we are doing, but they are mostly family oriented.

Most of the comments when coming out were people assuming trans meant promiscuous. How the two relate I am not exactly sure, but many people asked if I was going to start to sleep around. I thought I would a little, really for not being at all prudish I was practically a 45 year old virgin, maybe I was even hoping for it, but it never happened. Of course I am not a virgin anymore either but I have only had one partner and only made out with a couple of guys before him. Maybe "alternative" lifestyle could could be promiscuity?

Just speculation.

[Charlie Nicki]

I detect no disdain in the OP's post for anybody. I do however detect some disdain, judgement and a keenness to find something in it offensive in yours.

Agreed.

Anyways, to answer the OP, I think it's very common for a lot of us to feel like we don't have anything in common with other trans people...just because, as others have said, being trans isn't enough to build a close relationship. In my case, I have several trans friends but none of them is as close to me as my cis friends are. We just don't have that much in common besides being trans.

[GordonG]

Some say that it refers to people who don't act exactly the same as "normal" people do.
I believe that it's something you say before you figure out just how weird "normal" people actually are.

Like I said to my children many times,  there is no such thing as normal.  It only exists in text books.

[phydelia]

I've always understood the term "alternative lifestyle" to be a roundabout way of saying "queer." In context I would guess it generalizes to non-traditional relationship structures and means of sexual expression (same-sex relationships, polyamory, BDSM, non-binary folks, etc).

Trans folks are a small minority that draws from a wide splash of the social spectrum- lots of diversity of opinions, etc. So you may find some you connect to, but since there are a lot more cis people out there, you've got better chances at finding some of those you get along with.

Personally i seem to be unable to connect to anyone other than my wife- people are generally civil and willing to transact business with me as needed, but can't wait to be rid of me. Never been able to figure out why.  So as long as that's not the case for you, I wouldn't stress it too much.

[Chloe]

I am curious to what you mean by an 'alternative' lifestyle.

Remember Snagglepus? "Heavens to Murgatroyd!" "Exit stage right . . "

[steph2.0]

Not speaking directly to the "alternative lifestyle" point (whatever that means),  I generally don't have much in common with the members of the T-community I've met at our social functions - other than being trans. That's not much to build a friendship on. We get together and are generally glad to see each other and catch up on our progress, but then go our separate ways. I've found as I get further through transition, I have less desire to go to the meetups.

That said, at one of those social functions in October 2017 I met a very special person with whom I have nearly everything in common. Any differences just bring wonderful spice to the relationship. At a later meetup, one of our acquaintances asked us when we were going to get married. I guess it's a bit obvious how we feel about each other, and things such as spending the rest of our lives together is a common point of happy conversation.

It's been a while, but we're actually going together to a meetup tonight just to say hi.


Stephanie

[CynthiaAnn]

Thank you Stephanie for injecting some positive vibes into this thread. I am happy to read of your friendship. 

As for the unfortunate words in a topic title, perhaps it's best to simply move on, eeek

Cynthia -

[Victoria L.]

Great sentiment/post @Virelai your certainly not alone! I agree with everything you expressed (don't drink, go to bars/parties) EXCEPT very first statement (above) . . . if I hold it against you decorum dictates will keep own views to self!

Can I at least chalk your political attitudes up to "youth"? I'm not a "feminist" either would never advocate open war on "the entire other half of the world population"! lol You can call me a "FERT"!

Au contraire! I've only become more liberal and progressive as the years have passed by, and I was raised in a Democrat/more liberal (not as liberal as some... Otherwise, I'd have probably transitioned back in my teens) family and have never even remotely called myself a conservative, so that should say a lot. There will especially be no consideration from me when the conservatives are like they are now where I live (the US).

My "conservative" lifestyle is not even something I'd even attach to conservative politics, as many conservatives I know/know don't live like that at all. Perhaps bringing up my aversion to political conservatism at all in relation to it was a mistake of mine altogether. They're unrelated.

[Miss Clara]

Transgender people are as diverse in personality and interests as cisgender people.  Relating on a personal level to members of both groups can be challenging.  I don't know what the OP meant by "alternative lifestyle", but for many under the transgender umbrella, being trans IS an alternative lifestyle.  As someone who began her transition six years ago, I've passed through different phases of living and relating to the world around me.  I will always be grateful to my former trans friends and acquaintances for their understanding and support along my transition path.  But as I evolved along that path things understandably change.  The transgender people I still have close contact with today are a small subset of those 3, 4, and 5 years ago.

[GingerVicki]

I thought that alternative is the different group of people not aligned with the defined normal in society.

[Karen_A]

To me , in this context, alternative lifestyle would mean primarily socializing and building one's life around  the T* community... and if one is straight post transition, that would apply to primarily socializing and building one's life around the LGBTQ community as a whole rather than straight society.

Nothing wrong with either, but what feels comfortable and is a good fit for any person depends on who one is and what comes naturally.

- Karen

[RetroTS]

To be honest,  I never really felt "alternative". I'm just me

That being said, I would love to find another Trans person to connect with. Unfortunately,  I'm extremely shy, live in a deep red state. I'm leery of transitioning because of saftey reasons. I'm stuck here because I need to care for my elderly parents and to be honest that's a greater priority to me.

I have a boyfriend that I love and he understands me, but he doesn't totally "get it". I dont fault him for that, but it would be nice to have a trans sister or brother to lean on, shopping, that sort of thing.