My councilor gave me an assignment this week. I am to write what I would say to myself as if I were standing in front of me and addressing myself face to face.
Since I am a bit twisted, my first reaction was to quote Stewart Smalley from SNL.
"I'm good enough, I'm smart enough, and doggone it, people like me."
Having read and responded to some posts here about the dangerous inner voice, self doubt and that negative self talk that seems pretty common, I chose to rethink my assignment.
I would tell myself that I have a right to be happy. I would reassure myself that I am beautiful both inside and out. I would tell that inner voice to shut up. Self doubt is a killer and the root cause of much pain and many regrets.
I would tell myself that I (Bea) not Brian have a right to exist. That I am as valuable and worthy as anyone else in society. That no one has a right to set arbitrary and discriminatory limits for me and I should not do so either.
I would reassure myself that while my transition is just started and that I look nothing like that which I hope to become that I still have that right. The right to belong and live even if I am at an awkward and goofy state right now.
I would remind myself that nobody has the right to judge me except myself and God. I would tell myself that while I may be at this awkward stage, I deserve respect and equal access to services and facilities. That even ugly cis women get and deserve respect and I am no less than they.
The world is full of (ugly) less that perfect cis women and they are assertive, unafraid, proud, demanding, and unapologetic. Just look at the local Walmart customers in your area to observe this. If they can venture into this world without fear, why can't I? Why can't you?
These inner doubts, these overly sensitive and cautious voices that limit me, limit you are more damning that all the other voices we encounter in society. Mastering that inner voice, taming that doubt and fear is more important to thriving as transgender in our society than surgery.
Well, at least that is what I am thinking of writing for my assignment.
What do you think?
What would you say to yourself?
