Quite a ride... questions for the Nottingham GIC

[Stella Stanhope]

Hi there,
'tis been a while since posting last. I was on here a lot five years ago and had some lovely messages of support. I stopped visiting here and posting after a course of interviews with the NHS. I was so exhausted by the experience that I just wanted to leave it behind and concentrate on finding a romantic partner to be with and improving my job prospects.

I'll try and keep this post as short as pos'. To anyone who has gone down the UK NHS route, or is going to, perhaps this might be of interest. In 2011 I started pestering my local GP (in Stafford) for a gender referral. Took me a year for them to refer me, and they only did so when I turned up to the surgery in a skirt and heels (no, really). A further year past where I was given the usual psychiatric review (and past it without any flags being raised regarding my psych). I was then posted to Nottingham GIC for the proper sessions with a view to a course of hormone treatment. I thought I was making progress with them, after two years of sessions with a Dr Mepham and Ms Richards. I was very open and truthful about being non-binary and how my feeling arose, etc. I wrote a lot of it down for them to read as well. Their eventful course of action was to ask...or rather demand that in order to progress - I had to change my name legally to something more female and also change my gender marker legally. I politely declined due to my job (which had an issue with staff bullying) and because I was non-binary and therefore swinging sharply towards female socially before a single hormone was administered wouldn't exactly strike a balance for me personally. They wouldn't budge however. And so, I quit the process. I regret my just dropping out rather than stating why, but I was honestly so saddened by their harsh terms, and I was receiving some criticism from amily and friends as to my feminine appearance.

Shortly after, there was a noticeable swing towards the Right in terms of world politics and viewpoints (Brexit, Trump and the  UK General Election). And this traditionally isn't particularly helpful to institutions like the NHS or gender-rights in general. So although I was upset, I didn't formally complain or demand concrete reasons as to why they were essentially requesting a sort of old-fashioned social real-life test.... in 2015. In retrospect, I wish I had stood up for myself more. But I'm very concerned about how other people see me, and how I feel like a dirty, creepy fraud and a a crew-up, plus not wanting to inflict another blow on the NHS (however minor). It makes me feel like burying my true self and pretending it doesn't exist. Recently however, I feel like I have to tell them how I feel, so I've messaged Ms Richards (and will do with Dr Mepham) with an email asking for a complete breakdown of why they made such harsh and specifically difficult (for 2015) stipulations. Was it because I wouldn't change my name? Was it because I have a deep voice? Was it because they didn't believe my story? Was it because they needed to fulfil a certain quota?... They were very vague at the time, which was infuriating.

If anyone is interested in what I sent and the greater context, then please email me. I will also post the honest and genuine replies they send to me. I hope it may provided some guidance or clarity to others similarly essentially excluded from treatment or facing particularly stringent gatekeeping.

I've been watching a lot of Better Call Saul in recent years, and I see parallels in Jimmy/Saul's character whereby people keep writing him off as a corrupt bad guy until the prophecy essentially becomes self fulfilling. After a few decades of being told I wasn't manly enough (due to my delayed puberty and adolescence) and then being (effectively) told I wasn't feminine enough to be trans (because of my voice and early balding perhaps), it kind of makes you feel quite bitter about it all. I've spent 33 years with not being masculine enough or feminine enough for family, friends, girlfriends and the GIC and after all that no one really cares who I really am, and therefore I don't really care about anyone else anymore.

[pamelatransuk]

Hello again Stella

I am so sorry to read of the problems you had with Nottingham GIC in 2015 and because of reading so many similar stories and because I simply do not wish to wait for years, I decided in 2017 to go down the private route with GenderGP for therapy and HRT. I have great admiration for the British NHS system but it is frankly inadequately funded for Transgender care. Secondly it is ridiculous to insist on dressing fulltime female before HRT and more so if you are non-binary. You may wish to at least consider and research the private route.

I am now 14 months HRT and I have decided voluntarily to go fulltime femme on moving house ( I am remaining in the South Liverpool area) in Summer.

Whether or not you consider private, I wish you good luck in your attempt to find the reasons that the gatekeeping was so difficult retrospectively. I suspect that if they were vague in 2015, they may remain so now or even cover up the true reason(s). Just to clarify this is not my criticism of the NHS; it is my view as I have worked in so many Civil Service Offices, that when anything that has "gone wrong", the internal hierarchy will make sure they continue to defend themselves and give away as little internal information or thoughts or history as possible. So you may hit a brick wall.

However I wish you every success in your endeavours with investigating Nottingham GIC and also with your transition as a whole.

Hugs

Pamela  xx

[Stella Stanhope]

Hi Pamela, thanks for taking the time to reply.
I'm really struggling with all this, I never seem to reach any conclusion or any progress. Nope, I didn't receive any reply from Christina Richards, and Dr Mepham (also seemingly formerly of the GIC) I haven't contacted yet but I assume he'll not reply either.

I wasn't trans enough i guess. Because i wouldn't change the gender marker, even though I TOLD THEM I was worried about my job because there was a culture of bullying at this place. As it's turned out, I was right to be guarded as several people left over the course of a few years due to bullying at my old place until I too left along with a colleague. Basically don't go to the NHS with gender issues unless you're content with turning up in a dress and demanding hormones so you can be the best little lady you can be, pretty please. They should be ashamed of themselves in this day and age for enforcing such behaviour. i really do hope they reply, and I might make a trip there in my car and give them both barrels, because it took me three years to simply get to the stage of having appointments and then they blackmail me into withholding treatment unless i take one for the team and out myself. What a bunch of ****s.

Ultimately, I think Mepham and Richards were naive about being trans out of the academic environment, in the classic way that many medical intellectuals are. Richards' particular come back to my "i'm worried i'll get fired for being trans" was "well I'm doing well I've come out as trans". Now, Richards were working in a clinic. For trans people. Of course she was doing well. It'd be a particularly weird gender clinic if the trans doctor was receiving transphobic issues at work wouldn't it? She should have come down to my place of work - an automotive parts factory in a small backwater town - and see how she'd be treated. But nope, in their cosseted world of meetings and research papers, I guess the world seems like a very safe and open place.

I heard similar arguments from trans people in 2015, who said things like "well, you can't fire trans people because of laws"... and then a year or so later Trump happened, and the Western world has lurched towards the right wing. So I wasn't wrong about being cautious about being open about being trans. So far, my pessimism has not proved unfounded.

I now work in the civil service myself and i notice the same mindset with many of my colleagues as they have - childlike naivety for everyday issues.

Thanks for replying once again. Well, tjere is no transition and probably never will be because of - and I'll try and refrain from swearing - ******** like the  idiots at the Nottingham GIC.

I can't stress how distressing life has been regarding gender. When I was a kid I was bullied for not being manly enough, and then when I commit to the gender i feel I am, I'm then essentially told I'm not female enough. It leaves a corrosive stain on your soul all this stuff does.


EDIT:
Interestingly, i just found this about Nick Mepham
https://starrythomas.wordpress.com/2016/08/13/warning-on-dr-mepham-at-nottingham-gic-if-you/

[pamelatransuk]

Hello again Stella

I am sorry that as I predicted, you appear to have hit a brick wall.

Just in case you are not aware, aswell as the option of going private, you have the NHS option of simply contacting another GIC anywhere in the country and starting afresh. I suspect both from reading details on Susans and also from having worked in many Civil Service Offices, that the practices and culture and thinking varies significantly from one office to another! So you may be treated so differently! The common trait as we both agree is that customarily, so many people running these places will give away only the information they wish to and no more!

I wish you happiness and success in the future whichever options you choose to take.

Hugs

Pamela  xx

[F_P_M]

Could PALS help? It really does sound like blackmail and unneccisary gatekeeping going on there.

Which isn't acceptable given the NHS guidelines on Enbie are THERE. Supposedly.

Sadly i've found with mental health you need to LIE a lot to get help, and it looks like it's the same with gender identity. Which sucks. I mean i've had to blatently lie in the face of thereapists before now to avoid negative consequences or to access help I actually need, it's ridiculous.
Sadly the NHS does seem to rather foster this culture of LIES.

You could also seek a private route but it's pretty expensive. They will do shared care via your gp so you don't pay for the hormones privately or the blood tests but you need at least 2 initial appointments at like £300+ each PLUS follow up regular assessements to check your bloods.

https://www.scottishtrans.org/wp-content/uploads/2016/11/Non-binary-GIC-mini-report.pdf this is a rather depressing read from 2016 and looks like things haven't really improved since.

[Kylo]

If you did not permanently discharge yourself you should still be on the GIC list and able to make a new appointment. Demand to see a different therapist, each GIC usually has several. I had one who was fired because his goals did not match that of the clinic, and he was indeed "stalling" my treatment at one point. The answer would have been - had he not been fired before that for being reported by someone else apparently - to request to see a different therapist or contact within the clinic. They should comply. I've known people at my GIC who had also requested different therapists and doctors.

[JMJW]

The GIC doesn't understand or care about how transphobic the UK has become if they expect a pre hormone mtf to present full time. They do not care about the time investment that requires from the patient, as they assume outside of what they view as legit work, transition is all you are. They do not see this RLE as an opportunity to experience the female societal role beforehand, they know damn well that a pre hormone mtf is unlikely to be treated as a woman regardless of presentation. Rather, they are using this opportunity to "break" you into the role of womanhood, which they view as inherently submissive. By being subjected to social mockery, they are putting you through a trial by fire, where you win if you can adapt to inhabiting the lowest position in the social hierarchy, but lose if you cannot, and wish to retain your "male" dignity in the face of said mockery.