What Would You Do?

[MelissaAnn]

Yesterday a good friend of mine asked me something that I just don't know how I feel about. She is super supportive and has been an ally from the beginning... She told me tonight that although she loves Melissa she is missing (him) a lot. So she asked if I would please have a funeral for (him)... She said she needs closure.

The thing for me is (he) isn't dead... (He) is part of who Melissa is. Actually Melissa is a better version of (him). It does make me kindda sad that she asked this of me. Is this a lack of support or a gesture of love for (him).
This one through me for a loop and I just don't know what to do. I will not go back to (him) even for an hour. I've come way to far for that.

Has anyone run in to this before? Any advice or suggestions? I need help with this one...

[Maid Marion]

Think it as a butterfly.  You have changed for the better.  The old still exists, just in a different form.

[Colleen_definitely]

I would politely explain that I didn't have multiple personalities and most certainly didn't have female one stage a coup and take over.

[CarlyMcx]

I can understand the situation pretty well.  If the guy I used to be was a separate person, I would really, really like him.  And there were times that I liked being him, but after 53 years, I had had far more than enough.

At the same time, even though he no longer has a corporeal existence, he is still very much alive, and enjoying a very happy retirement that he never wants to come back from.

He still exists on some social media because I'm not out to some in laws who live overseas.  I still have photos of him on credenzas.

That said, I'm 25% Irish.  I'd rather have a wake.

But maybe that's an idea—tell your friend you'd like to have a wake for your old self and party it up—but make it clear that you are never going back to being him.

[pamelatransuk]

The thing for me is (he) isn't dead... (He) is part of who Melissa is. Actually Melissa is a better version of (him). It does make me kindda sad that she asked this of me. Is this a lack of support or a gesture of love for (him).

Hello Melissa

I think it is the latter. As she has always supported you, I do not see this as reversal of support but as you say, a gesture of love for him. However I think she could have been more tactful before suggesting what she has suggested.

With regard to your reply to her, I agree with Carly. Perhaps a wake would be a possibility but definitely no personal return to him on your part.

Hugs

Pamela

[F_P_M]

It's a tricky one. Perhaps a sendoff to celebrate your rebirth/transformation but I would be inclined to ask if she would hold a funeral for a caterpillar once it became a butterfly.

The soul inside you is still the same soul, you're just in a different shape. (which interestingly is what my mother said to me yesterday. I haven't come out to her but she's making a real effort to be super super supportive so I think she's figured it out lol. Anyway she said "it's a person's SOUL that matters, you love them for that and what they look like shouldn't change that."

D'aaw

but from a perspective of a partner this idea that it's like death is quite common.
I personally don't like the idea but perhaps humour her but make sure she knows your old self isn't dead and it's just that form, that shell, the outer suit that's changed.
Does someone cease to be themselves because they changed their clothes, their hair? started to take medication that improved their health?

But maybe a compromise would be a celebration of that life leading up to this point, a sort of "goodbye" to that old way of thinking, that old closeted self. "goodbye guy me, you got me to where I am today and i'm grateful of it."
that kinda thing.
Raise a glass to him and then raise another for your future.

[Denise]

I like the idea of a celebration of life.

But consider this, if the funeral goes forward, would you attend?

I probably would not.  It's hard to put into words why. But maybe to keep from thinking to closely about the past or to maybe show them what it would really be like if I wasn't there.  It might help them to see that you are a better person.

If you were a recovering addict, would you want a funeral for your old self or would you celebrate your new and improved self?

This is an interesting question.





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[JMJW]

Well of course she'd want a funeral. You've gone from being seen as "human" (cis male) to "de-human" (trans woman) so from that transphobic perspective, it is as if a death has occured. The idea that you're just as complex a person with basically the same personality, would run counter to the dehumanization of trans women. 

So yeah, don't even acknowledge this "funeral". It's her personal grief anyway that she needs to resolve on her own or with whoever else of the same mindset. With no emotional labour or tax on you.

[Lady Sarah]

I like the idea of a wake to celebrate (him), but combine that with a good old fashioned roast. That way, you could technically say goodbye to (him) while picking up pointers on how you could improve yourself.

Mourning (him) really isn't going to do any good for either of you unless you exit the picture. And, what kind of friend would want that?

[jkredman]

Yesterday a good friend of mine asked me something that I just don't know how I feel about. She is super supportive and has been an ally from the beginning... She told me tonight that although she loves Melissa she is missing (him) a lot. So she asked if I would please have a funeral for (him)... She said she needs closure.

The thing for me is (he) isn't dead... (He) is part of who Melissa is. Actually Melissa is a better version of (him). It does make me kindda sad that she asked this of me. Is this a lack of support or a gesture of love for (him).
This one through me for a loop and I just don't know what to do. I will not go back to (him) even for an hour. I've come way to far for that.

Has anyone run in to this before? Any advice or suggestions? I need help with this one...

I'm going to guess you two are pretty close!!!!

Many spouses, I have learned (and mine included), go through a grieving process. 'Their husband is dieing.'

For us we're the same person; or at least we see ourselves that way.  So there becomes this conundrum.

I'm going to disagree and say a wake or service is not appropriate. 

Yes your friend is grieving the loss of the other entity that became Melissa.  Yet this is where that friend needs to grow, and blossom with you.

Your friend is grieving a perceived loss.  Talk to that friend.  If your working with a counselor/therapist, see if that friend can be brought in for a joint session or two.  Yes that friend needs closure, but it seems there are better ways to help that friend find closure.  A good counselor or therapist can guide you.

Your friend seems to be important to you.

Unfortunately, when we make this decision, and start down this road, those close to us often become collateral damage.  Try to find a way to help your friend process their grief, but don't do the wake.

My 2 cents.
Kate


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[GordonG]

I agree with Kate. No wake or service. To me that would be totally inappropriate, like to the nth degree. I believe that anyone who asks you for such a thing doesn't have your best interests at heart. It's all about what they want.  Are you sure this is a "good friend"?

[Ryuichi13]

I can understand the situation pretty well.  If the guy I used to be was a separate person, I would really, really like him.  And there were times that I liked being him, but after 53 years, I had had far more than enough.

At the same time, even though he no longer has a corporeal existence, he is still very much alive, and enjoying a very happy retirement that he never wants to come back from.

He still exists on some social media because I'm not out to some in laws who live overseas.  I still have photos of him on credenzas.

That said, I'm 25% Irish.  I'd rather have a wake.

But maybe that's an idea—tell your friend you'd like to have a wake for your old self and party it up—but make it clear that you are never going back to being him.

What a perfect excuse to go out and have a Girls Night Out!  Go have a few drinks and toast the caterpillar becoming a butterfly! 

Ryuichi

[HappyMoni]

Yesterday a good friend of mine asked me something that I just don't know how I feel about. She is super supportive and has been an ally from the beginning... She told me tonight that although she loves Melissa she is missing (him) a lot. So she asked if I would please have a funeral for (him)... She said she needs closure.

The thing for me is (he) isn't dead... (He) is part of who Melissa is. Actually Melissa is a better version of (him). It does make me kindda sad that she asked this of me. Is this a lack of support or a gesture of love for (him).
This one through me for a loop and I just don't know what to do. I will not go back to (him) even for an hour. I've come way to far for that.

Has anyone run in to this before? Any advice or suggestions? I need help with this one...

People go through transformations in life all the time, some good, some bad. If someone becomes an addict or gets dementia, I get that we miss the person who was. If someone gets cured of cancer or overcomes some other setback in their lives, we celebrate, we don't ask for a funeral for the old. Your friend probably doesn't see it in these terms. I would offer an opportunity to talk it out, maybe make some fun new experiences together, but a funeral is a bit insulting.  Unless, ...a wise ass like me might set up an inexpensive mock funeral where I could play the grieving widow, throwing myself on the fake memorial, crying up a storm. It might be fun and show the silliness of the idea.
A friend of mine at work once said she liked the old me better. It was a dumb, task related comment made as kind of a joke. I didn't laugh and I told her it bothered me. She got it. He is gone, move on!

[Bea1968]

I can relate to your feeling that you are you, a mixture of both your female and male sides where they blend.  The female part may be more dominant but it didn't kill or replace the other.  I would be a little disturbed by the notion of a funeral.  I might have some symbolic thing where I burn some of my male clothes as a signal that I have moved on but a funeral, no. 

[Julia1996]

I kind of understand the feeling of loss but a funeral sounds a bit over the top. Ok, actually it sounds weird. No offense meant. If you have only ever known someone as one sex and that changes then yes I can understand the sense of loss. If my dad or Tyler came out as trans while I would still love them I would feel a sense of loss for the person I had always known after they transitioned.  That really didn't apply with my transition. While I was technically a boy, I was never actually a boy. As in was extremely feminine and never acted like a boy. Of course if either of those gym rats came out as trans I would spend more time feeling sorry for them because either of them would make one ugly woman. This actually brings up a question. I know the miracles of estrogen but I wonder if even estrogen can do anything for a guy who is super jacked?I can't even begin to imagine trying to teach either of them to act like women. "No,no ladies, we don't have a contest to see who can fart the loudest"  " no you can't beat the #### out of that guy because he called you ugly Tylerette. It's not lady like. 😂😂

[Alice (nym)]

I wouldn't be happy with this... I would ask her if she would be happy going to her own funeral. Although I would probably cut her some slack because she's a friend but still... I don't know your story, but mine has taken me to suicidal thoughts more than once because I suffer from gender dysphoria... I would not be comfortable holding a funeral for me.

Perhaps frame it to her like having a new look... would you have a funeral for your old hair style? You are still you... you might be happier now, feel better as yourself, but ultimately it is still you... all that has really changed is your look and your mental well being.

I would have to say, 'no' to her. It would dig up far too much pain (which I am suffering now because I have not transitioned yet) and it is a kind of an insult.

[Alice V]

The thing is how much this important to you. Will it really hurt you to fulfil your friend's wish? If it will, then don't do it, and if not, then what stops you? All this funeral thing won't bury you for real, it probably will be just some kind of letting past go for your friend.