Re: The Stephanie Chronicles 2.0

[steph2.0]

This is exactly the problem I have.  I resorted to vocal surgery, that takes up to to a year for everything to settle in and my voice is better than before but... I get misgendered on the phone.  I need to improve not just pitch but inflection, resonance and other pesky habits developed over a bunch of years.  I knew that before VFS but I need to work harder.  In person, people subconsciously identify gender by combining a bunch of details they see and hear.  When people can only hear and not see their awareness is totally different. 

In the 1970s the best piano tuner north of Seattle was a blind person.  He was in high demand as he could quickly tune a piano to perfection without the distraction of the visual world.

Well, that's it then. Nothing but video calls for me for now on.

[Jessica]

[quote
@Michelle_P also wrote about this:

I, too, had used the line, "I'll still be me," and I did truly believe it. But it seems that, not the transitioning itself, but the strength and resolve that I was required to find within myself to carry it through successfully, has changed my perception of everything. And that has changed who I am and the way I interact with the world.

No longer am I willing to accept the status quo; to "go along to get along." My horizons were so narrow, my life so confining, my entire being so compromised in service to comfort and safety. Without even truly realizing it, I had put my thirst for learning new things, for excitement, for adventure, for discovering things that awe, on the back burner to satisfy the expectations of others. I realize now that I had allowed myself to waste my young adulthood and early middle age living the retired rocking-chair lifestyle (albeit, with work thrown in). Here I am, arrived at the the time of life when many people are thinking about starting to live as I have for the last 30 years, and I have a craving to make up for lost time.

I fear that this will mean scary changes, small and large, in both short and long-term relationships. Those who have had little problem accepting my transition may have a harder time dealing with what they're likely to perceive as a fundamental change in my personality as I embrace reawakened needs. There are already ominous rumblings over the horizon.

As for relationships with my old male friends, I do seem to see some distancing, though I acknowledge that it may be on my part as much as theirs. In the old days as I would walk Maggie around the neighborhood I'd stop at each man-cave, catch up on each guy's projects, and talk about what I was working on. I had enough trouble mustering interest in the old days (puleeze don't talk to me about your sports teams yet again, and no, I really don't want a Bud Light, thanks). Now I find myself living in a halfway state, where I have an even harder time showing interest in their stereotypically male obsessions at the same time I'm wondering what the women are up to. The recent invitation to a game night is the very first time I've been involved with something exclusively for women, except for the time when I organized a ladies night out myself. Generally speaking, I'm feeling a little left out of social events in the neighborhood as the men decide I don't fit in with their interests, and most of the women don't seem to regard me as one of them yet. I find myself leaving the neighborhood in search of social interaction, which just increases the distance around home. There are neighborhood-wide events where I'm not excluded, but smaller impromptu sit-down-and-chat sessions with the women don't include me.

I'm not particularly brought down by all this, and I'm hopeful that eventually things will evolve until I'm just another woman around here, and as Cassie talked about, maybe some day those friendships with Steve that have been strained by my new-found self-awareness, will end up as strong with Stephanie - assuming my personal evolution doesn't dictate that I pull up stakes and surrender to a call of greener pastures elsewhere.

I'm just stating facts, I guess, and getting it out there that this kind of thing is probably an inevitable part of transitioning.


Stephanie
[/quote]

When I was out with Michelle, I told her when I look at men I think " I do not want to be like them!"
I don't like their social norms, I don't like the swagger, I don't like the typical misogyny.
I've long been avoiding neighborhood man caves.  And if it's beer they offer, it better be "crafted"!

Hugs and smiles from a California girl

[Rayna]

When I was out with Michelle, I told her when I look at men I think " I do not want to be like them!"
I don't like their social norms, I don't like the swagger, I don't like the typical misogyny.
I've long been avoiding neighborhood man caves.  And if it's beer they offer, it better be "crafted"!

Hugs and smiles from a California girl

Yeah, that's what I told our couples therapist the other day. I just don't want to be identified with all that "male" seems to bring to the table. I want to be on the female side...

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[Michelle_P]

Back on the male/female voice thingy,I've noticed that transitioners focus too much IMHO on pitch and ignore prosody and feminine speech structure.

I know several gals who have had "feminizing" voice surgery, most successful, to raise pitch. They all sound like guys with a high pitched voice, having blown off the speech therapy assuming pitch was enough.

Prosody includes the speech rhythms, almost singing, the different use of pitch (no male flat effect), flat to up pitch on phrase ends rather than male downpitch, more sibliance, more pitch variation, less use of contractions,crisper consonants, and so on. These are ALL elements used unconsciously in speech gendering.

A speech therapist can provide simple exercises to help develop these new patterns of speech. I consider it vital to practice and use these new patterns daily, and constantly, until they become unconscious and automatically THE way we speak.

Using them only occasionally or "in public" and reverting in private means that our default will remain male, and the feminine speech requires conscious and deliberate effort. If we focus on the content of our conversation rather than on the speech we will very likely revert to the default male patterns, and  be misgendered by the listener.

There are women with "male" pitch but female prosody and structure, but they are very unlikely to be misgendered. See Lauren Bacall or Scarlett Johannsen.



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[steph2.0]

Back on the male/female voice thingy,I've noticed that transitioners focus too much IMHO on pitch and ignore prosody and feminine speech structure.

I know several gals who have had "feminizing" voice surgery, most successful, to raise pitch. They all sound like guys with a high pitched voice, having blown off the speech therapy assuming pitch was enough.

Prosody includes the speech rhythms, almost singing, the different use of pitch (no male flat effect), flat to up pitch on phrase ends rather than male downpitch, more sibliance, more pitch variation, less use of contractions,crisper consonants, and so on. These are ALL elements used unconsciously in speech gendering.

A speech therapist can provide simple exercises to help develop these new patterns of speech. I consider it vital to practice and use these new patterns daily, and constantly, until they become unconscious and automatically THE way we speak.

Using them only occasionally or "in public" and reverting in private means that our default will remain male, and the feminine speech requires conscious and deliberate effort. If we focus on the content of our conversation rather than on the speech we will very likely revert to the default male patterns, and  be misgendered by the listener.

There are women with "male" pitch but female prosody and structure, but they are very unlikely to be misgendered. See Lauren Bacall or Scarlett Johannsen.

All excellent points, Michelle. I'm aware of most of them, and do try to practice them. The hardest by far, though, is never letting myself revert. I am still so painfully self-conscious using my "voice" in front of my wife. I keep telling myself that I need to just do it and she'll have to get used to it, but when at home I feel constantly embarrassed. She keeps telling me my old voice is just fine, and just doesn't get it, so I get no encouragement from that quarter. I need to find a way to keep my courage from failing me so I can move forward. Because you're correct, until it's something I do 100% of the time, it'll never develop into the default voice.

Still working on it...

Stephanie

[LizK]

Vignettes

The guy called to tell me he was on his way to replace the windshield in the RocketSkate that had recently been damaged by a rock. After I hung up, the first thought that occurred to me was, "Wait, I'm going to be alone here with a strange guy working in my garage. What if he tries something? Can I defend myself?" The second thought I had was, "Wow, what a definitively female thing to think!" The fact that the thought occurred to me naturally really made me realize how much I've changed.

..
Stephanie

It's weird when you notice this kind of thinking for the first time. I found /find myself doing it all the time....I went walking the other morning about 7 am and came upon what appeared at first glance in the gloom to be a really Rough looking guy, he seemed to be stopped in the middle of the path appearing in the gloom to be waiting...my first thought was...oh god am I safe...is there a way out....all the time knowing I can only defend myself in a very minor way with not even the option of running....as I approached with all my fight and flight senses ringing alarms...eventually I noticed he wasn't "waiting", in actual fact SHE was hunched slightly forward, headphones in, watching her screen intently and until I was upon her she never new I was there.....Danger 0 self-preservation response 10 paranoia 10!!!

I don't know when it changed but I think I knew on a subconscious level before it became a conscious thought,  when I had reached the stage where physical strength and size no longer were enough protect me. Such a weird feeling and still one I have to think about so I don't end up in crazy dangerous situations....comes under the heading you know your a girl when....

Take care

Liz

[steph2.0]

Yeah, that's what I told our couples therapist the other day. I just don't want to be identified with all that "male" seems to bring to the table. I want to be on the female side...

I'm struggling with this, too, Randy. I actually brought it up in therapy myself. Around the house I'm still expected to fill the male role: fix the cars, change the oil, mow the lawn, do anything technical or mechanical. Yes, women do those things, too, but I feel like the expectation is I should be acting as a "handyman." I acknowledge that I have the skills, but it chafes that the role seems to be being forced on me.

Oh well. Someone has to do it.


Stephanie

[Faith]

I physically cannot work on the cars any more beyond routine maintenance (i.e fluid checks). Strange thing. Lori loves to mow the yard. Once I started to transition, her mowing time decreased, I do most of it. I find that when something needs done, I no longer vegetate on the couch and actually go do it. It horrible!!

Lori would do most of the mechanicing if someone showed her how (and strength, some of that crap is TIGHT). She was raised with 'girls don't do that'. She likes to do more 'that's man's work' stuff than I ever did.

[Donica]

I'm in the same boat as Faith except I'm no longer married and I live in an apartment. Before the divorce, I had to spend the extra money for mechanics and landscapers. I bruise pretty easy these days. 

[KathyLauren]

I acknowledge that I have the skills, but it chafes that the role seems to be being forced on me.

Any household has a division of labour.  My wife chafes at having to do the cooking and cleaning.  Not that I am unwilling, but she doesn't think I am any good at it.   So I do the mowing, snow clearing, critter removal, and all the other "guy" chores.  Yeah, it chafes a bit, but I really have nothing to complain about.  After all, she takes me clothes shopping, and that makes up for a lot.

[sarah1972]

I think this is one of the biggest struggles for MTF who started transitioning in a relationship. I am also facing the "male expectations". I am going back and forth about it. I do understand why these expectations are still there. For so many years I was the male in the house, did all of the renovations and took care of many things, including most of the lawn mowing. I still enjoy most of these things and I have to admit I missed it over the last two years where I was primarily focused on my transition.

There is the other side of things: Thinking about my wife. She still needs me to be a bit more manly. And we both need it to keep our family together. And this is fine with me. I need to get some more girly work clothes but that will come over time. I guess I have become contempt with this role for the moment.

Hugs,

Sarah

Yeah, that's what I told our couples therapist the other day. I just don't want to be identified with all that "male" seems to bring to the table. I want to be on the female side...

I'm struggling with this, too, Randy. I actually brought it up in therapy myself. Around the house I'm still expected to fill the male role: fix the cars, change the oil, mow the lawn, do anything technical or mechanical. Yes, women do those things, too, but I feel like the expectation is I should be acting as a "handyman." I acknowledge that I have the skills, but it chafes that the role seems to be being forced on me.

Oh well. Someone has to do it.


Stephanie

[LizK]

I'm struggling with this, too, Randy. I actually brought it up in therapy myself. Around the house I'm still expected to fill the male role: fix the cars, change the oil, mow the lawn, do anything technical or mechanical. Yes, women do those things, too, but I feel like the expectation is I should be acting as a "handyman." I acknowledge that I have the skills, but it chafes that the role seems to be being forced on me.

Oh well. Someone has to do it.


Stephanie

Hi Steph

It does chaffe...I don't know the solution as I struggle with it myself and I have almost resigned to that fact that it will not ever change completely. Some things have changed over time but the way it feels is that underlying it all is the expectation that because you "retain some maleness" or "were a male" so its still your role. I could be completely wrong here about the intent but I do know how it feels to me. Mowing the lawns was the one that always seemed to rankle me the most and for the same reason everyone lese is expressing.


Take care

Liz 

[steph2.0]

I don't know what to say about being misgendered on the phone and radio. I still get misgendered even standing right in front of them in a dress? I do have my first voice therapy appointment next week. I was wondering how/what are you doing to practicing/work on your voice to help feminize?

Hi Donica,

I just realized I hadn't responded to your question. Unfortunately I don't have any serious guidance for you. My natural voice was generally a mid to high tenor. It's not a stretch to go from male tenor to female contralto. I think there's some overlap in the range. But my voice has always been flexible. Remember the song "Games People Play" by the Spinners?(Yes I am definitely dating myself.) In the third verse, Pervis Jackson sings a low "Twelve Forty-Five," then "I took my time," etc. When we were out cruising in Mike's Torino, I'd crack everyone up by singing those lines. I was 5'5" and about 120 lbs. then. The incongruity of that little person making those sounds was hilarious. Yet when I get warmed up I can do  a reasonably good Stevie Nicks in "Edge of Seventeen." When I check my voice in what's a comfortable range for everyday speech it shows in the hight androgynous/low female range. So I can get the pitch where it needs to be.

The timbre I can get reasonably well by following the advice in this video:

.

I'm still working on the prosody, vocabulary, and the other subtle things Michelle talked about. Once in a while it works, but quite often it all falls apart, especially when I'm tired or when I get too self-conscious. It doesn't help that one time when I was on the radio, one of my female neighbors, who's also a pilot, thought it was funny to make fun of my voice by answering my query like Mickey Mouse. Yeah, thanks. I take solace that she very often gets misgendered by tower controllers. So there.

I practice a lot by singing along with female artists like Carly Simon and others who sing in that range. After a while I can work my way up into registers that are impossible when I'm cold, but of course, those aren't typically where you'd be talking.

I'll be writing about an encounter I had today while using my voice in my next post.

Stephanie

[Jessica]

I'm struggling with this, too, Randy. I actually brought it up in therapy myself. Around the house I'm still expected to fill the male role: fix the cars, change the oil, mow the lawn, do anything technical or mechanical. Yes, women do those things, too, but I feel like the expectation is I should be acting as a "handyman." I acknowledge that I have the skills, but it chafes that the role seems to be being forced on me.

Oh well. Someone has to do it.


Stephanie

My exact problem also!  My wife will always see me this way.
But now that I'm retired, and she is not.
She expects me to be the housewife too.... I can do that...

Hugs and smiles from a California girl

[steph2.0]

My exact problem also!  My wife will always see me this way.
But now that I'm retired, and she is not.
She expects me to be the housewife too.... I can do that...

I actually don't mind mowing the grass. I have a decent riding mower, and I plug in some tunes and ride around the yard entertaining the neighbors with my singing. Mowing is one of the few things I do that shows almost immediate results. That's nice when almost everything else in life, especially transitioning, takes so incredibly, frustratingly long.

As for housework, I used to hate it. But now I put on the music and often literally dance while working in the kitchen. I've always been the one to do all the cooking, and I did all the designing in the house when we had it built, including picking out the colors. I do believe I could be perfectly content as a housewife. [emoji5]

Stephanie

[Northern Star Girl]

My exact problem also!  My wife will always see me this way.
But now that I'm retired, and she is not.
She expects me to be the housewife too.... I can do that...

Hugs and smiles from a California girl

OK now, I am feeling left out.... 
I am not a part of a household team like you married folks are...
...so I end up with all of the chores...
mowing the lawn,
snow shoveling the driveway,
cleaning the gutters,
fixing my truck,
painting around the house,
cooking,
laundry and ironing
cleaning the house,
mopping and vacuuming,
doing the dishes,
grocery shopping,
and the list goes on......

I am not complaining, mind you,
I am just saying that you folks are very fortunate to have someone to
share the chores with and to share your bed with every night.

Hugs,
Danielle

[steph2.0]

Time for an update? Sure, why not?

Sunday I was invited to a dinner for @SassyCassie 's Mom and Aunt, who are twins. She can tell the whole story if she choses, but the most outstanding parts of the day involved the fact that I wasn't misgendered by anyone, and how emotional I got over how well all of her family members treated Cassie. At one point I heard her mother tell her she was wonderful. I just about lost it then.

When Cassie went to the ladies room, I took her mom and aunt aside and made sure they knew how happy she was for their acceptance. I just about broke down when her mom, who is quite religious, told me that she was doing what Jesus would do, and giving all her love. That is so different than the judgmental treatment I've been warned to be alert for at my neighbor's upcoming Bunco party.

Our waitress, Stephanie(!) called both me and Cassie "madam" when we picked up the checks. It was a wonderful dinner and a wonderful day.

-------------

Monday I went to my doctor's office for a followup appointment for my latest lab tests, which included, for the first time, all three "E's:" Estrone, Total Serum Estrogen, and Estradiol. Some of the numbers were puzzling:

Estradiol: 274 pg/mL
Estrone: 1582 pg/mL
Total Serum Estrogen: 2582.1 pg/mL

Testosterone: 7 ng/dL
Free Testosterone: 0.8 pg/mL

I know the Estradiol is great, as is the Testosterone. The other numbers are a mystery to me. If anyone can shed any light on what they mean, I'd appreciate it.

We also talked about progesterone. We had touched on it at the last appointment and decided we'd both research it and report back. The biggest thing for me is some of the side effects listed are hair loss on the head, and hair growth on the face. Both of which I'm painfully working to fix. Doctor told me that those are the main complaints he sees with ciswomen he prescribes it to. So... never mind.

In any case, everyone from the intake nurse to the front counter people used the correct name and pronouns. I'm actually starting to feel comfortable there. It's a huge change from the first time I went there presenting as myself, when I was terrified.

-------------

Tuesday was HNT day. I decided to prep to see how bad genital clearing is with the blend method as opposed to the thermolysis used last time I tried - when I cried on the electrocutioner's shoulder. But when I got there she asked when was the last time I'd shaved down there, and it's been a while, with just trimming the length. She reminded me that she would have no idea which hairs were in anagen phase, and working on any other hairs would be a waste. So we set it up for next week and I got the whole two hours on my face. As usual, toward the end, the BLT was getting pretty weak. Considering I goop up and cover it with plastic before the 1:20 drive, by the end of the session it's been on there for 3:20. Of course it's wearing off.

After cleaning up in the car and shaving off whatever Courtney didn't get with the hot needle, I went back to Tarpon Springs and got another delicious gyro at the sponge docks. The waiter was awesome, always used ma'am, and we did some bantering, mostly about the size of the gyro the kitchen had prepared, which he said was the biggest he'd ever seen. Half of it went home with me for lunch the next day. When I was done and went to the ladies room, there was a sign saying it was closed for cleaning. The lady working inside saw me and told me to just wait a few minutes and she'd be done. No problem - I was obviously waiting for the right room.

-------------

That evening was the trivia contest I'm part of. We didn't win, mostly because I blew the final answer we had all our points riding on: What process is described by metaphase, prophase, anaphase, and telephase? Those terms sounded familiar, so I insisted it was hair growth. BZZZT! It's mitosis. Argh.

When I went to the ladies room, as I reached for the door a lady opened it from inside. There was the usual joking and excuse me's, and she held the door, did a little bow, waved grandiosely, and said, "Welcome!" Squeee!

One of the members of our team, S, has been completely awesome with my transition. We stood outside and talked for about a half hour as I told her how things were going and what my plans were for GCS and FFS. She was completely puzzled about why I thought I needed FFS. I tried to explain, but she's aging gracefully and thinks I should accept myself as I am. We'll have to agree to disagree.

One thing she said, though, shocked me. She plays badminton with my wife, and she commented that they played with a woman who I look almost exactly like. I felt sorry for the poor lady until S said, "And she's so pretty!" OMG. They promised to sneak a picture of her. I can't wait to see who they think I look like. I still see the old me in the mirror quite often, and it will be instructive to get an idea who other people are seeing.

---------

ARRRRR!! Today were a special day! It were International Speak Like a Pirate Day. I hopes all ye saucy wenches and scurvy dawgs celebrated appropriately!

Beyond that, it was the day the windshield company sent another guy out to fix the windshield on the RocketSkate. (The rest of the story is in an earlier post.) He was supposed to be here between 12pm and 5pm, so I got in the shower at 11, knowing I'd have all the time in the world to make myself presentable. Well, when I got out, I found a message on my phone that said he'd be early, and I had about 10 minutes to get ready. I set a new record getting dressed and my face on. Holy makeup, Batgirl, I worked up a sweat trying to not look sweaty. But I was ready when he showed up, and I got ma'amed, so I guess I did okay.

----------

I saw an announcement that Marci Bowers is coming to Orlando for an evening presentation. I jumped right in and got tickets for me and Cassie. I hope I get a chance to learn about the Davidov peritoneal pull-through method. I hear she's been studying it.

-----------

But the big news of the day is something I never ever thought I'd run into in a million years.

I used to work for a guy I'll call D who owned the company that made the plane that I had become the acknowledged expert with. After a while he decided he could run the business better without my help (he couldn't), so he kicked me to the curb. After he let the company languish for a few years he sold out to another person here in Florida, who wasn't interested in paying for my knowledge, so I drifted away from it. I hadn't talked to D in probably five years.

Today, the phone rang, and caller ID said it was D. WTH? Why would he call? Does he know what I've been doing for the last year? Do I have to out myself yet again? Understand that this guy is a dyed-in-the-wool Alabama redneck, a republican, and very likely a rabid Trump supporter. Argh! I did not want to have to deal with that today. I let it go to voice mail.

But when I listened I was blown away. He started out with, "Hey Stephan (pronounced "steffen"), it's D." He'd obviously not gotten my new name correct, but he was trying. He went on to talk businessy stuff, but then he said something incredible. Here it is, word for word:

And let me take this opportunity to... commend you on your move. That took a lot of guts... and I probably have more respect for you now than I ever have."

This from someone in the Deep South with the accent to match. I just sat there stunned.

He had called in the past, and I had ignored them, as I was still quite unhappy at the way he'd treated me when he told me we wouldn't be working together any more. But I couldn't ignore this. I warmed up my voice. No self-consciousness now, and no half-measures. I wanted him to know that I was now a woman named Stephanie, with no doubts.

I called him. The first thing he said was, "You'll have to excuse me while I get used to your voice. It's so different from what I'm used to. Is that something that happens naturally?" I explained all the work that goes into it, and I'm pleased to say that I was able to maintain the voice through the entire conversation. I was pretty proud of myself after we hung up after a 20 minute conversation. It was a good talk, about half of which was about my transition, and the rest about possible business arrangements. I'm not holding my breath. He did promise to stop by when he got to Florida, apparently soon. I sent him one of my favorite selfies so he had some idea who he'd be meeting.

-------------

The day wrapped up with a video visit with my BFF, dinner, and lots of typing here. I have nothing profound to wrap up with. Just another day, with some amazing twists...

Oh, and, ARRRRRRR!!

Stephanie

[Faith]

awesome update .. oh and congrats on the thread split ... a new milestone for Stephanie

[steph2.0]

awesome update .. oh and congrats on the thread split ... a new milestone for Stephanie [emoji2]

Wow! The lady who doesn't type is the first to respond. Who are you and what have you done with Faith? (Thanks, girlfriend.)

Laurie split the thread at 2000 posts, which is two pages back already. It just means that I type too much. But hey, Steph 2.0 and Thread 2.0. Works for me.

I wonder where we'll all be when it gets split again?

Stephanie

[Faith]

Wow! The lady who doesn't type is the first to respond. Who are you and what have you done with Faith?

MWAAaaahahahahahhahaahhhhh hack, cough, choke ... I think I was the only one awake

I wonder where we'll all be when it gets split again?
Stephanie

Hopefully right here on Susan's .. if we can get the donates up to snuff. I wish I could this month, I'm struggling to put fuel in my car to get to work to make money