I see that year-end reports are a thing here, so it's time to recap...
I never really looked back at 2017 at the time, so here's a quick overview of two years ago:
2017:In May a perfect storm of events came together and forced me to make a decision to follow through on either my life-long suppressed need to be my true self, or my plan to disappear somewhere over the Gulf of Mexico in my little plane. In the end, my love of myself and of aviation prevented me from ruining a good airplane, and after a complete meltdown to my wife, I started therapy and HRT. I attended my first gathering presenting rather shabbily as Stephanie. Somebody interesting was in the picture with me, but I had no idea who it was.
Over the next four months I slowly and tentatively made changes in my presentation, and built up my courage to go out in Stephanie mode. In late June I came out to a few of my closest friends who I knew would be understanding, and in August I came out to my Mom and Sister. In late September and early October I came out to other friends and neighbors, and on October 13th I came out on FaceBook. Response was absolutely amazing, with no rejections or negative reactions (at the time).
Some time in there I cleaned all of "his" clothes out of the closet when I found I hadn't worn them in a while. That's when I realized that I was living authentically full-time. As Laurie told me at the time, "Sometimes full-time is less of a decision than it is a realization."
In late October two of my friends took me to Disney to let me be me in one of the most densely populated places I could imagine, and it was awesome, though my presentation was severely lacking.
And the night before, when I attended a transgender support meeting in Orlando, I sat across from a pretty cool lady who calls herself
@SassyCassie here.
In November I decided to attend a Renaissance Festival, and thought Cassie might be interested in going along. We enjoyed the day, and I almost heard an audible
click as we got along so well. Even getting drenched in cold rain didn't dampen the fun we had.
Cassie also took me to get my hair done for the first time. I broke into tears when I saw myself in the mirror.
In early December a dear friend in Tennessee invited me there to try on a room full of clothes she wanted to donate to me if they fit. I made a trip to Tennessee, posting haiku about the trip here all the way.
On December 7th, dubbed "Girl Harbor Day" by my awesome neighbor, I had my court date for my name change. Eight friends and family went with me to the hearing, shocking the magistrate who'd never seen so much support for someone in her courtroom for a name change. Shortly afterward my Social Security name and gender was changed, immediately followed by my drivers license (with an awesome picture!)
I wrapped the year up with a New Year's Eve party, when I celebrated my new life and those who supported me. That was the night
@Kendra showed up unannounced after flying all the way from Seattle just for my party. I'm still in awe of that. 2017 was the beginning of everything.
2018:The name change battle began in earnest. I fought to get the proper paperwork in place to get my passport. It took months of letters and phone calls back and forth to finally get it finished. In the end I had that little blue book in my hand with a beautiful picture, the correct name, and that so-deeply-meaningful
F.
The incessant calling, emailing, texting, and face-to-face visits went on and on as one piece of documentation after another was changed to show the right name and sometimes the gender. It went on all year and continues even now.
Hair removal continued weekly.
Later in January I decided that turnabout was fair play, and my new friend
@SassyCassie and I flew to Phoenix, where we met
@Anne Blake and paid a surprise (to say the least) visit to
@Kendra, three days after her GCS with Doctor Ley. It was my first time traveling as myself, and it went perfectly, with no questions or sidelong glances. I began to think that maybe I was doing reasonably well in the passing department.
At the end of January I ran my first fly-in as Stephanie, in the process outing myself to another crowd of people.
In February I attended my first concert, the orchestral music of Star Trek and Star Wars. A week later I had a meetup with
@Faith. I also had my nails and eyebrows done for the first time.
In March I flew to New York for consultations with Dr. Ting's team at Mt. Sinai Hospital as I worked toward GCS. It was cold there, and while the consultations went well, especially the interview with their staff psychiatrist, who wrote a glowing letter recommending me for GCS, in the end it didn't work out. The trip was still pretty cool, with no misgendering despite my extreme self-confidence problems.
The moment I got home from New York, there was another Susan's denizen waiting to give me a hard time. I had a visit from
@Laurie, during which I ended up on the fridge because of not being able to give her her promised airplane ride. Sigh...
In late March my good friend Cassie and I drove to Michigan to pick up a camping trailer I'd bought from my sister. The trip went perfectly in terms of passing... not so well in terms of hardware. We had all kinds of problems with the trailer that was dubbed "Christine" in reference to Steven King's evil car. Yet we managed to have a good time anyway.
In April I worked as a volunteer at the big Sun-N-Fun airshow in Florida, where I introduced my new self to literally over a hundred people who I'd worked with over the years. I was shoved right out in front of everyone in the light aircraft area where I was part of a two person team who did the descriptions of the planes flying on our runway, as well as one-on-one interviews and highlights of the show, both live over the PA systems and streamed to the internet. At the end of the show we were given special recognition by the rest of the volunteers.
In April I got thoroughly tired of the endocrinologist at the clinic I'd been attending, and moved my HRT management to my personal doctor, who has been awesome. A little later my therapist at that clinic disappeared with no warning, and I switched to a new, better therapist.
In May all the girls in my family got together for the first time. My mom, wife, sister, Cassie, and me. In June I met one of my cousins and her husband for the first time.
In June I went to a beach with my dear friend Cassie, wearing a bathing suit in public for the first time.
In July I sent a request for consultations, along with stark pictures of my face, to FacialTeam in Spain, regarding FFS.
In late July I went for a bicycle ride with Cassie, and this is the last time (so far) that I was misgendered. The cashier said "sir" then looked up and corrected herself. It still stung, but I didn't know at the time that it might be the last time I'd ever hear that. (I hope I haven't jinxed it now...)
In August my Best Friend Cassie and I flew to Denver to participate as usherettes at
@Anne Blake 's re-wedding ceremony. We shared an AirBNB house with Susan's members
@Kendra ,
@Jessica_Rose ,
@Michelle_P ,
@Laurie, and @Susan_Rose - The Seven Sisters of Pleiades Place. That whole trip was one of the most amazing things I've had the privilege to be part of.
At the end of August I had my video consultations with FacialTeam and got their recommendations. Now I had to wait to get an appointment date for the surgery.
At the beginning of September I went on a music cruise with my Bestie Cassie, and met with my other cousin (sister to the first one I'd met up with earlier). She was awesome as well. And on the way home Cassie introduced me to the Goth scene she had been part of for years, and, surprisingly to both her and I, I loved it. What an incredible experience. When she asked what I thought, I asked when we could go back.
In September my best friend in the world Cassie threw me a birthday party in a restaurant, which went wonderfully until I was called up in front of the crowd to be part of a yodeling contest. I was seriously nervous, but the end result is the crowd loved my singing, and I would have won if they hadn't decided to give all the contestants a prize.
In the middle of September FacialTeam contacted me. Would December 4th for FFS work for me? I'll
make it work for me!!
In the middle of October I marched in the Orlando Pride parade and was overwhelmed by the love saturating the entire experience.
In late October the most special person in my life and I borrowed the plane I'd built a few years before, and flew to Kentucky and back. We regarded it as an acid test of how well we were passing, as we deliberately put ourselves into the middle of the Bible Belt. Everything went spectacularly well, including our unplanned stop in Georgia due to weather, where the guys at the little airport fell all over themselves to help the poor stranded ladies from Florida.
A week or two later I volunteered at the Deland Light Sport Showcase airshow. It was similar to Sun-N-Fun, with one major exception: only a few people at that show knew me from before, and the rest only knew me as Stephanie. It was an amazingly affirming experience.
Then something I'd been working toward for a very long time happened. I received confirmation from Doctor Marci Bowers' office that I had a date with her for GCS: September 25, 2019. It's really going to happen...
During all this time I was growing closer and closer to the most amazing person I've ever met. The relationship I share with
@SassyCassie is something I have always craved, and had given up on ever experiencing. I feel incredibly lucky to have sat across the table from her way back in October 2017.
On November 28th I said goodbye to my best friend and boarded a plane to Philadelphia and on to Paris, where I met up with
@Kendra. A whirlwind tour of Paris, followed by a night in Madrid, a train ride to Malaga, a quick tour of Gibraltar, and I made my home in a hotel in Marbella, Spain. We met up with
@Paula1, and I dressed up for a last night out with my old face. The next day I was on an operating table at HC Hospital, with the best FFS surgeons in the world working on my head and face. Two weeks of healing in a resort hotel on the Mediterranean Sea, and I was on my way back home.
On Christmas Day my mom's newest daughter cooked her Christmas dinner for the first time, and it was wonderful.
And here we are. There was a lot more, but those are some of the highlights. It all sounds so wonderful, but not described were the sad times, the meltdowns, the low spots that we all have. Anyone who cares to look can see both the good and bad in my threads. I haven't been shy about describing them. It's reality, and everyone needs to be prepared for such swings.
2019 will be a challenging year. There are so many really hard things to deal with to get to the glowing goals I see on the horizon. Personal relationships will likely dominate the year as I find my way to ultimate happiness while trying not to hurt anyone any more than necessary. The guilt surrounding all of that is a continuous subject between my therapist and me. There will be great loss on the way to great gain.
And of course, that 9/25/2019 date looms large in my life. The thought of becoming whole, becoming the me I was always meant to be, along with sharing it all with a very special person, gives me chills to contemplate. If you'll excuse the rude reference, I'll quote something
@SassyCassie mentions sometimes: We will have to swim a river of sh*t, but we'll come out smelling like a rose. The last two years have been like that, and I trust that the next year will be the same.
It's a little after 9pm. One year ago at about this time I was standing in my bedroom with my hand on the door handle. I was wearing the most feminine dress I'd ever worn in public. Cassie had just helped me paint my nails. My hair was done as well as I could do it with my skills at that time. On the other side of the door in the living room was a crowd of people, all of whom had professed their support of what I was doing with my life. I stood there with my hand on that door handle for at least a minute, building my courage.
I opened the door...
Here I am a year later. My nose is half numb, I have what feels like velcro on my head, my eyelids are stiff, and my upper lip is such that I have to learn how to drink from a glass, whistle, and spit all over again. Yet I am in awe of all that I've accomplished this year. All of it in spite of all the tears shed. In spite of those who backslid and withdrew their support. In spite of my fears, my guilt, my mistakes. Things are quiet here tonight. My best friend is also alone an hour away. That, if nothing else, will be different next year.
Happy New Year to all my friends here. I love you all.
Stephanie
