Confusion

[Asher0971]

It feels like I'm starting to care about gender again, and I'm confused. I kinda like being seen as my birth gender (female) and the opposite gender (male).  But then again I don't feel anything. I just kinda don't feel like I fit in with those two categories, but also fit into both. I'm naturally androgynous apparently, and so it's easier for me to flip flop between fem and masc. Potentially a genderfluid person's dream, right?

Despite the lack of seeing myself as any gender when I look in the mirror, and resonating with the agender/genderless label, I still find myself wanting to be a boy. "Feeling male/masculine" if you will. I don't know if it means I just want to be a masculine genderless person, or if I'm something more complex. I still get gender envy from men, wishing I was them. I still consider ftm surgery and whatnot. I still want to be a boy.

All in all my gender feels queer, and I don't understand my feelings. I feel like something's wrong with me even though there isn't. I know I don't have to fit into a box. But why wasn't I just born male? Why wasn't I just a man? If I was born male, would it change anything?

I can't really see a gender therapist for reasons I'm not comfortable disclosing.

[Lori Dee]

Hi Asher,

Gender exploration can be quite confusing sometimes. The best route is to seek out a therapist with experience in gender identities, but as you pointed out, sometimes it just isn't reasonable.

I don't want to probe too much, but would an online therapist be better? What about a gender hotline where you could talk to someone on the phone?

In our Support Groups forum, we have many resources numbers that you could try. Just because they refer to suicide prevention or specifically transgender doesn't mean that is all they do. Many have people that you can talk to and they may be able to recommend some other resource that I am not aware of. Maybe you don't need any resources but just someone to talk to who can help you better understand what you are going through. I hope something in the post below will help you.

Check out this post:
https://www.susans.org/index.php/topic,249512.0.html

[Sephirah]

It feels like I'm starting to care about gender again, and I'm confused. I kinda like being seen as my birth gender (female) and the opposite gender (male).  But then again I don't feel anything. I just kinda don't feel like I fit in with those two categories, but also fit into both. I'm naturally androgynous apparently, and so it's easier for me to flip flop between fem and masc. Potentially a genderfluid person's dream, right?

Despite the lack of seeing myself as any gender when I look in the mirror, and resonating with the agender/genderless label, I still find myself wanting to be a boy. "Feeling male/masculine" if you will. I don't know if it means I just want to be a masculine genderless person, or if I'm something more complex. I still get gender envy from men, wishing I was them. I still consider ftm surgery and whatnot. I still want to be a boy.

All in all my gender feels queer, and I don't understand my feelings. I feel like something's wrong with me even though there isn't. I know I don't have to fit into a box. But why wasn't I just born male? Why wasn't I just a man? If I was born male, would it change anything?

I can't really see a gender therapist for reasons I'm not comfortable disclosing.

I suspect sometimes, Ash, we just get a thing for boxes.

In the interests of purely being nosey, can I ask a question or two? Well, more than one since that was the first lol.

Firstly, you talk about feeling like you're starting to care about gender again. I can't help but pick up on that last word. Is there something you can identify which might have caused you to start thinking and exploring it now? Was there something that stopped you thinking and exploring it in the past where you had previously? Maybe the answers to that might help you shed light on how you're feeling, and maybe why.

You talk about feeling masculine/male. What does that mean to you? Is it a physical thing? A mental thing? Somewhere in between? If you were born male, would it change anything... that's quite an astute question.

What is it you quite like about being seen as your birth gender? Something else I picked up on is your choice of wording. You kinda like being seen as female, but you don't talk about that in terms of feeling. I wonder why? And this kind of goes back to the earlier question of what does both mean to you when you think about them? I may be reading too much into this, and feel free to address all or none of the things I've posed. They're more  for you to think about than anything.

The last thing I would say is that we're all something more complex, Ash. It's just a question of how much time it takes to unravel that complexity. If ever. *hugs*

[Lilis]

I'm naturally androgynous apparently, and so it's easier for me to flip flop between fem and masc. Potentially a genderfluid person's dream, right?

Yes, it's similar to what I've experienced, and I know many in the genderfluid community feel the same. But I see it from the other side of the spectrum, I was assigned male at birth.

For me, labels aren't just boxes, they can be helpful shortcuts. It's so much easier to say, 'I'm agender, genderless, or genderfluid' than to explain the entire concept to someone who's just beginning to understand.

I can't really see a gender therapist for reasons I'm not comfortable disclosing.

When it comes to therapy, I truly believe openness, honesty, and willingness are everything. A therapeutic space is meant to be safe, but it can only help if you allow yourself to be vulnerable. Holding back only makes the process harder. A good therapist will meet you where you are and gently guide you through self discovery, you don't have to figure it all out alone.



~ Lilis