I need advice

[DawnOday]

Dear friends. I call on you. to give me some advice. You see, besides the DES poisoning, the heart problems, I am also autistic. I fall under the banner of high functioning autism. Which used to be called Asperger. My dilemma  is I am severely socially inept. As much as I want to do better. I still can't get past my habit of holding up the wall. Today I came to the 30th anniversary of Esprit. It's a gathering of like minded transgender people and their significant others who get together in Port Angeles WA. I had my heart set on breaking through to make some new friends. Something I have never really been able to do. I know I have some friends here on Susan's, but here you read what I have to say and fortunately I can take my time to make sure that my comments are understood and sometimes I can't do that either. Honestly I'm not a creep. I am a really nice person once we get to know each other. but sometimes that takes a lot of time. And you have to want to. I mean I have no problem smiling and saying hello, but I have a lot of difficulty getting past that. I spent my life in the closet, hiding from everyone and everything. How I was able to accumulate two wives is a real mystery. As well as having babies. If you only knew what it would take for me to accomplish that. It's beyond comprehension. Part of the dealio is that I do not have a normal penis. For me to make a baby it's as close to a immaculate conception as anything possible. Everything about me is not normal.
  I have been on HRT for three years now. I have reconnected my brain with the one I came out of the womb with. I just don't know what to do. What is easy and comes naturally for you, just may not be easy with me. For me it has to seem logical, else I will dwell on it. and dwell on it, and dwell on it. To the point of not thinking of anything else. I used to tell my boss it wasn't easy being me. But I did my job very well and made them a bunch of money.  So they put up with my quirks, Stuck me in my own office and kept me away from others. 

[Bea1968]

I can feel your pain.  I am socially inept.  I miss queues, and stumble on simple conversation. I interact best by text or email as it gives me time to formulate my thoughts and choose my words.  I am in my second marriage.  I do not think I have social anxiety as acute as you describe but I can relate a little.  I am not sure what advice you are soliciting.   If it's help being more social or expressing yourself better I might suggest a Dale Carnegie course or maybe joining a local Toastmasters club. 

Best regards

Bea

[Maid Marion]

Hi Dawn,

Socializing is a skill, just like playing a sport like golf or tennis.  If  you are autistic it takes practice, a ton of practice, just to do stuff that comes naturally to other people.

Where to practice?  Anywhere to opportunity presents itself.  Sales Associates and Cashiers are a good captive  audience.   
Small mom and pop restaurants are another place to practice.  Go to someplace regularly and tip well.  Don't be afraid to tell them to leave out stuff you don't eat as that helps their bottom line and everyone's paycheck.

Marion

[HappyMoni]

In the short term Dawn, people like to talk about themselves so think of a few questions to ask people at the meeting. Concentrate on their answers and look for answers that you might supply related to their answers. I am shy and not good at small talk either. Many don't have that skill so don't feel alone. Don't focus on your thought of your shortcomings. Go on a scavenger hunt to get a bit of info from people. In this way you will begin to relax. Don't talk yourself into problms.
Moni

[Maid Marion]

At a conference, most people want positive affirmation.  Listen politely, and when you can,  say me too! 

Avoid talking too much.

Avoid disagreeing with someone you don't know.

Sometimes it is better to be out in the hallway with someone instead of listening to a talk about something you already know.

If it becomes too much I'd go back to the hotel room to recover/recharge. 

Try to enjoy the event.

[KathyLauren]

Dawn, I understand how you feel.  Though I have never been diagnosed as autistic, I am pretty sure that I am "on the spectrum" as they say.  Being trans and being on the autism spectrum do seem to go together quite often.

I have always had trouble socialising.  What has helped me the most over the years, both before I knew I was trans and now, is to engage in enjoyable activities with people. 

Years ago, I joined a hiking/skiing club with the objective of meeting people.  When you are doing something you love with other people who also love it, you automatically have something to talk about.  That was how I met my wife: literally on top of a mountain!  These days, I am a member of two astronomy clubs, and I work at a community theatre group.

None of those groups are specifically social clubs.  Yet, you can't help socializing as you engage in the activities.

I will always be the quiet one in any group.  But people listen to what I have to say because I know my stuff, and that opens up the possibilities of conversations and even friendships.

[DawnOday]

Thank you all. I do value your opinions. I have three major topics that I can talk for hours on. Improving production/system implementation, LA Angels, and my family. If I were addressing a classroom of people, I do okay because I have prepared a topic I know extremely well. You have to be really weird, even more than me, to want to talk about business in a social setting like this. The LA Angels. I've been a fan for life. Even in their first year I went to LA's Wrigley Field to watch them play. Most people don't even know there was another Wrigley field. But the Wrigley's built a home on Catalina Island. "Thirty six miles across the sea" My family, works well with ladies but transitioning ladies not so much.  I no longer drink, smoke or do drugs so I can't drink and loosen up. I am just deathly afraid that I don't have enough topics to maintain a conversation. I want to know how people came to terms with being transgender. What provoked their questioning. I love reading the introductions here because they make me feel part of a crowd rather than standing alone on an island. I can't judge others reactions in real time. Someone could say to me. "I'm running for President of the the US" and I will say "That's nice, are they building a baby blimp in your honor?" or something just as silly. Hardly an ice breaker. I have a really dry sense of humor bordering on sarcasm and I have not found many that understand. Knowing I was different from an early age led me to believe I was better than other people. I'm not, but it is something I discovered recently. Ain't estrogen great. Too bad it took all these years. If I could reach through your mobile app or computer and give you all hugs. I surly would. If you get a feeling later today that someone is touching you it is only me being successful in finding  a way, because if nothing else I am persistant. Love you all, my friends.
Dawn

[Faith]

... I have a really dry sense of humor bordering on sarcasm and I have not found many that understand ...

oo, I know this one. I am very familiar with that. It was my go-to deflective defense for most of my life, along with self-deprecating humor.

I avoid it now. Old me still wants to use it, new me refuses (still sneaks out once in a while). I am still figuring out my socialization aspect. I do know this, you never will if you don't get out there and do it.

Do I have great advice on it? .. yeah, nope

[krobinson103]

I used to miss a lot of social cues. Since I transitioned my dislike of talking to others and complete social  blindness has gone. However, I'm still introverted so a loud party or something of the sort is apt to send me running outside after 2 minutes...

[Ricki Wright]

During my travels around the sun, here are some things I have found to be "true" for me. I have not asked others to test these insights however, so please do not consider this to be "the" truth.

1) A person can spend HOURS talking about themselves, or topics they love, and still leave a poor impression if others are not allowed to contribute or change the subject. Conversely, I have found allowing another to talk about their passions and asking questions will get you the reputation of being a "good listener". People pick their friends not by how AWESOME their friend is, but by how AWESOME they make us feel about ourselves. Nobody is required to be knowledgeable on multiple things. Being polite and having standard answers to "small talk" is. Example: How are you?
Answer if you do not know the person well, "I am fine, Yourself?" or some variation thereof. Going into a 5 minute graphic explanation about how you almost choked to death on your breakfast is NOT small talk and is also typically socially unacceptable. That said, if the topic somehow gets onto the topic of "What is the most bizarre thing that happened to everybody this week?", have at it with the breakfast story.

2) I am not a doctor. The doctors who have taught me about autism is that typically "words are words". Tone, inflection, and nuance, and emotions are typically missed in the subtext. While I would think memorizing all of the permutations of vocal language would be an exercise in frustration, I would strongly suggest learning the vocal tones of sarcasm which is typically used to imply the exact opposite of what was just said (think of it as a negative sign in front of the sentence just said), and anger. Recognizing body language and tone for anger will allow you to ask if you have offended and explain that doing so was not your intention.

I hope this has given you something to think about, and that it helps.

Lastly, it is ok to be introverted. Extroverts love us because it gives them more time to grab the spotlight.

Ricki

[Kylo]

As a kid I was practically mute. They told me I was screwed up and would never amount to anything. I wouldn't look at people when talking to them and didn't get the cues right of the right things to say. These days I'm more articulate and confident in talking than most people ever are or try to be. Practice makes perfect.

Look at how other people do it and try it. The plus side to high functioning autistic spectrum that I can see is you can focus on learning something and become adept quickly. The same can go for social interactions and making friends. The art of conversation. Learning what body language is and does. Deciding how much info you want to give out and how much is too much. Making sure you give others the time to add their thoughts. The main obstacle to getting good is being too afraid to try, or just giving up.

One thing that's important in IRL interactions is how you make others feel. They won't remember the stuff you say anywhere near so much as how you make them feel when you're around them. If you can make that fun, or relaxing, or funny, or interesting for them without too much effort etc. you're on to a winner. People will adore you.

How to Win Friends and Influence People, maybe a cliche classic, but worth a read. Lots of basic but important pointers in there.

[Maid Marion]

If at all possible, avoid the use of sarcasm.

Chances are, you have a ton of life experiences to share.  And you just need to be relaxed or non-stressed enough to remember something relevant to conversation. Sometimes I'll say something that isn't relevant. Or decide that what I'm about to say is best unsaid.  It happens. Let someone else pick it up.

[DawnOday]

I listened to you all and today was much better. I didn't sweat the small stuff. It's all small stuff. I concentrated on being sympathetic and not making everything revolve around me. Today I concentrated on me physically, feeling and looking pretty.  I always felt like underneath it all I was a super model. What do you think? I got my makeup done, nails too. Bought some baubles and found a dress that goes well with many of my tops. I felt so wonderful. Hugs to you all, I am truly blessed to have you all.  I actually felt like a woman today and it was quite a beautiful thing. Going to a pool tournament right now. Actually this foray is quite wonderful as the town of Port Angeles is so supportive. Even the Mayor wrote a proclamation honoring us. And the other thing that surprised me is, how many of the attendees are Canadian.  Hugs everybody.

[Maid Marion]

Hi Dawn,

That is wonderful!  Great to hear you had a great day.  As I said, it gets easier with practice.

Marion

[Ricki Wright]

OMG with the weather today Port Angeles must have been beautiful! I am so glad you got to see it

Ricki

[DawnOday]

OMG with the weather today Port Angeles must have been beautiful! I am so glad you got to see it

Ricki

Actually that was Saturday when it was in the high 80's. Yesterday and today were in the low to mid 60's as will the rest of the week and next week but with rain. But hey we are Seattlites and we know rain and cold. It is beautiful regardless. I hope to get up the road to Hurricane Ridge sometime this week.

[Faith]

... What do you think? I got my makeup done, nails too. Bought some baubles and found a dress that goes well with many of my tops. I felt so wonderful...

If you are referring to your current profile photo, yes very beautiful. I'd wish the focus wasn't quite so soft so that I could see you better though. If it's not that (because I don't pay much attention to profile photos), I'll need to see one

Still, either way, very beautiful

[jkredman]

Dear friends. I call on you. to give me some advice. You see, besides the DES poisoning, the heart problems, I am also autistic. I fall under the banner of high functioning autism. Which used to be called Asperger. My dilemma  is I am severely socially inept. As much as I want to do better. I still can't get past my habit of holding up the wall. Today I came to the 30th anniversary of Esprit. It's a gathering of like minded transgender people and their significant others who get together in Port Angeles WA. I had my heart set on breaking through to make some new friends. Something I have never really been able to do. I know I have some friends here on Susan's, but here you read what I have to say and fortunately I can take my time to make sure that my comments are understood and sometimes I can't do that either. Honestly I'm not a creep. I am a really nice person once we get to know each other. but sometimes that takes a lot of time. And you have to want to. I mean I have no problem smiling and saying hello, but I have a lot of difficulty getting past that. I spent my life in the closet, hiding from everyone and everything. How I was able to accumulate two wives is a real mystery. As well as having babies. If you only knew what it would take for me to accomplish that. It's beyond comprehension. Part of the dealio is that I do not have a normal penis. For me to make a baby it's as close to a immaculate conception as anything possible. Everything about me is not normal.
  I have been on HRT for three years now. I have reconnected my brain with the one I came out of the womb with. I just don't know what to do. What is easy and comes naturally for you, just may not be easy with me. For me it has to seem logical, else I will dwell on it. and dwell on it, and dwell on it. To the point of not thinking of anything else. I used to tell my boss it wasn't easy being me. But I did my job very well and made them a bunch of money.  So they put up with my quirks, Stuck me in my own office and kept me away from others.

My dear Dawn:

First of all DO NOT SELL YOURSELF SHORT!!!!!

I've read many of your postings over the last many months and I find a loving and caring woman, who like the rest of us who post; is just trying to connect, and help those behind her on their transitions.  If it wasn't for you, HappyMoni, and KathyLauren I'd be a total mess.  I have no local, in real life, support!

Thinking on your feet, face to face is very hard.  I could half ass do it.   You probably would roll your eyes if you knew how I edit my posts.

I think you're a great listener!

Some of us simply need to be more cautious and precise when we communicate.  That can be hard IRL. But it doesn't make you less of a loving woman.

I've been a geek my entire career.  I guess I caught a break when I was encouraged to work on my "soft skills." And I guess I caught my "big break(?)" when cis women started opening up to me during down time at work.

Shortly before I was laid off, a woman I worked closely with, and traveled a lot with, commented;  "God, I talk to you like your my best girlfriend!" Her husband was dying.  All I did was listen.  (She was/is the 4th person I came out to as Trans.)  It made her feel good to understand that Kate was listening even though she saw Keith.

Dawn, responding is less important than listening (or reading).  I find you to be a great listener, that gives very thoughtful responses.

Some of us just need to take a little time.  There's nothing wrong with that.


And yes I'm late to the thread.  I needed/wanted to think a bit on your post.

Kate


Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk

[DawnOday]

I'm all in. For the first time in my life I feel like I belong. I can't believe the lengths these people have gone to make sure I am comfortable. All those apprehensions have gone by the wayside.  I was compelled to change by some really wonderful people. I didn't know what to expect because the Diva's Las Vegas was such a disappointment for me. But this is so much different. The people, oh the people are amazing. One of the things I love is that transgender people love to hug. My ribs bay be slightly bruised from all the hugs. Last night was Ascot night and we all got together to watch videos of horse race's and we would bet who wins. Simple huh? But it was so much fun. We had some snacks and cheered the horses as they ran around the track. I came close to winning the most money but alas I was a few dollars short. After the races we opened up the dance floor. I grew up with Bandstand, I knew Famous Hooks one of the dancers on the show as he would come to Cinnamon Cinder to dance. Soul train, Lloyd Thaxton, Hullabaloo and several others whose names I can't remember. I don't particularly like to dance,but there I was. My two left feet don't like to cooperate but I love to listen to the music. One of the things I regret is giving up my saxophone many years ago. I loved to play jazz and I was air playing on several songs. If the Lord allows, I surely am coming again. The town of Port Angeles has been great. Even writing a proclamation in honor of us. Tomorrow we are having a fashion show, which I am pretty sure I will win. Bwahahaha. No, really. And then it will be back to the dance floor this evening for as long as my heart will allow. I lasted for about three songs straight last night. Then sat sweating the rest of the evening. Two of the girls danced every song for three hours. So impressive.

I do appreciate all the love you have extended to me. I am truly blessed. I know I can be a real schmuck, but there you are. still giving me advice. I never really had a lot of love as a child so I didn't know how to handle it. Really, you all are the best.

[HappyMoni]

Glad you are allowing yourself to see how awesome you are. Lots of love from me!

Moni