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wo do you NEED to accept you?

Started by Mariabella, May 15, 2019, 02:39:33 PM

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Hi lovely humans!
I am an older MTF who has grappled with some issues concerning being a femme but having the wrong plumbing and hormones to match my soul to my bones.
It has been at times a burning fire of need to change myself to match my self identity and other times a exercise in sophistry contemplating the cosmic joke played out in my life.
To which leads me to this thought , and indeed it is not meant as anything but my own thoughts on some things.
Over the last year and a half I have been presenting as female much more often, and I recognize I am somewhat lucky in that I have rather androgynous features and can present as an older woman without much more than the right clothes and accessories with  touch of lipstick.
this said I do get "clocked" at times. At first the heat of shame rose in my cheeks and I became despondent over my shame.Well for a survivor despondence and shame are not a viable mode for me and it became a form of anger?defiance? rebellion against the society that tries to break me?
which then led me to a very important thought. Who do I need to accept me and who do I care not a lick if they do or do not?
Once this notion was fully owned in my heart I began focusing on those who matter to me and sussing out fears and concerns and clarifying for them what this means to me and why it is happening. To all others outside this venn diagram I shut off caring what they think. Someday transfolk will be just another person like any other, until then I refuse to give power to those who judge or hate by letting them hurt me.
As Mariabella, I am a strong woman it is the "other" who gets buttrash over haters not me. And if i get clocked now I welcome it as a way to defy expectation and gender rigid notions. As an old bitch I suppose it may be easier for me to feel this way than a younger trans person but in truth I wish more young trans folk could adopt this ( acknowledging all the factors I do not deal with due to age) and just be themselves without the crude opinions of others causing such harm and pain. Indeed the mother in me would like nothing more than to take all that pain and push it off a cliff for all suffering.
My therapist says it is the mother in me that gives me strength and that my history of being the nurturing influence has saved me and gave me the strength to become myself. I like how that sounds although I wish it would have happened much sooner and with less of a dramatic crisis to initiate it. I suppose it is the mother in me which takes others judgement without taking their judgement, if you get what I mean.
Anyway long ramble of meandering thought this morning. Thanks for looking at the post. 
#transwitch #quantumbitch

Northern Star Girl

Thank you so much for sharing your thoughts regarding acceptance and our reactions to being ourselves as we go out into real life to face the world. 

I think what you wrote is a good and common sense way to approach both acceptance and nonacceptance in our chosen gender identity and appearance.

Again, thank you for sharing your thought provoking posting.

Hugs and well wishes,
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Random strangers judgement is like... I should care why? I mean as long as they're not presenting a danger to you, who cares what they think?
Certainly that's always been my attitude growing up.
I used to dress up in silly costumes and go out shopping lol, just because it cheered me up to be a pirate or a zombie or something instead of ME. (I used to claim it was because I was eccentric but looking back honestly, I suspect this is another way my dysphoria manifested, being someone ELSE helped)
And yeah, i used to get STARED at. Some people would smile, which was always nice, others would be wierd or yell stuff and i'd just smile at them. Ultimately, it was THEIR problem, not mine.

I went through a goth phase, I went through a "wear a different ridiculous hat every day" phase. I did not dress normally throughout my university life at all. I had a lot of fun with crazy clothes and insane makeup (more I used to draw patterns on my face because I actually suck at proper makeup hahaha)

And I think that's really helped my ability to handle judgement in transition. I fostered a real "screw everyone" attitude in my teens and early adulthood which helped kill that self conciousness when it wasn't a costume anymore and was something far more personal and genuine (being the real ME)

The first time I went out presenting more male, with unshaved legs and letting my natural body hair grow I was slightly nervous but once I realised people didn't notice I found myself feeling SO confident about it. The liberation is just... incredible.

In my mind, the only people who's acceptance matters is my loved ones. My parents, my sister, my husband and children. Friends, well, i'd LIKE them to accept me but if they don't i'll find new friends, friends who aren't horrible people.

Random lady serving me coffee? Don't care.
Random guy on bus? screw em.

I mean sure there are times when it becomes tricky, but that's more because someone's being actively hostile rather than just giving you a funny look.
the funny looks kind of amuse me.
the hostility though, that will always effect me. It's hard to handle people being aggressive even when you don't think they're a physical threat.

Recently I had a guy start getting really verbally agressive with me on a bus and it was quite upsetting.
but then I also had a guy hiss at me as I walked past and I laughed because omg what the hell man? Who hisses at someone!? what a loser. I mean genuinely, WHO HISSES!?? hahahah, so wierd.

You are perfectly right, why SHOULD we care what strangers think of us? they don't matter. Ultimately they just don't matter.

Screw em, basically.

Stay strong, you're doing great! and I hope you're right, that one day we will just be another face in the crowd and not a novelty or whatever. That'd be wonderful.