Sisters, brothers, and bisters/srothers in-between, not much to update, but really feeling the need to dump some stuff out of my head, especially since journaling feels like a bad idea right now. I hope it doesn't always feel that way. The dust-up from her reading my journal has died down a bit, but it will leave some scars, I'm afraid. Our anniversary looms on the 21st. Could be some awkwardness there. We'll see. But Kristin is making an effort to be supportive, though it's clear she harbors deep anti-trans prejudices. She has offered to share some of her clothes, and I really need to figure out the best way to take her up on that. I think that could be a bonding experience. Unfortunately, her tastes are somewhat different and our body sizes/types are quite different. I did dabble a bit in under-dressing at home last weekend, wearing shorts and tees and a nightgown to bed one night. I keep hoping I will hit a sweet, androgynous spot that satisfies me and doesn't freak Kristin out. Unfortunately, dipping my toes in the water just seems to make me want to jump in the pool. For instance, the shorts I was wearing were actually pretty generous in terms of pocket space, but still, keys, a wallet and a cell phone had them stuffed to overflowing. I kept thinking how nice a purse would be. Which is funny, considering how mightily I struggled with carrying a purse in public when I first started doing it. But I was finding myself missing the weight of it and the feel of it hitting my hip. Maybe at this stage a murse might be a decent compromise, and that would solve some problems with jeans and shorts.
My blood work came back ok from the doctor. No medical issues. Total testosterone and hormone binding globulin in normal limits. The informed consent form waits to filled out. Could be starting HRT at the end of the month. *gulp* That feels really significant somehow. Even when I started cross-dressing again and going into therapy, I never really thought I would transition. I kept telling myself I would find some middle ground, that I would end up some non-gender-conforming person. And I still may. But, but, I feel ever drawn towards the female end of the binary. Sometimes I have these fantasies of having a small apartment with flowers and plants arranged just the way I want it, a lingerie drawer with a sachet, a nice jewelry box, closets populated solely with female clothes and shoes. Just a little old lady living the senior years of her life. Feels nice. Of course, the downside to the reality of that would probably be being alone in that apartment the vast majority of the time. Could I actually live such a life in the house I live in now, with the spouse I live with now, with the social circle I have now? I just don't know. That would be a heavy lift for Kristin. Though to be fair, a heavy lift for me as well. Moving from fantasy to reality is such a massive leap. But I seem to be on some sort of subconscious autopilot that just.... keeps.... going down the road. Last session my therapist said "you're in it now." I just hope I'm not stepping in it now.
