Kirsten, I feel for you. I too am walking the tightrope, but maybe with hope. My wife and I became friends 34 years ago, and I was the shoulder she cried on through breakups with three boyfriends. I was a single parent at the time and she wasn't into kids, but she regularly had dinner with us, then started staying the night. She told me she had given up looking and wanted to be with me. By this time my kids were young adults, so she was happier to be with me. I told her I was trans as soon as I realised she was serious, and initially, she left me. A month later, she realised a lot of what she liked about me were my feminine qualities, so she came back. 19 years ago my children moved out, and we married, and she bought me a nightie as a sign she was willing to accept a female part of me. That changed when she realised I wanted to dress femininely all the time and we spent a few bumpy years until she realised I was never going to change. A big attraction to her was that I did all the domestic chores, and she hated cooking, cleaning and ironing. Over a decade ago, I lost the ability to have sex with her, but she never minded. She moved into another bedroom and I believe it was because she didn't like feeling like a lesbian. All through this we remained affectionate and declared our commitment to each other.
She didn't notice I was getting depressed regularly, then I got sick last September. It was just a cold with a bad cough, but six months and 4 doctors later, it was getting worse, and nobody knew why. I told my doctor I was depressed and wanted to see a psychologist, got referred, diagnosed TG, referred for HRT, and within 3 weeks of starting HRT I was cured of my 8 month illness. Both my wife and myself realised the power of Dysphoria, and she supported my going on HRT. Now I am well and she has seen physical changes occurring, she seems to be getting a bit uneasy again. I am doing my best to keep her informed, but she is wanting to know exactly when changes will occur, and what would happen if I stopped HRT. I had told her that it was unlikely that with my physique, I would ever be passable, but now she is starting to think I will complete my transition, and it scares her. So, she knew going in I was trans, slowly accepted me as a woman at home, realised I had a real need to go on HRT, but is still not comfortable with our possible future. I know I am still on the tightrope.
To some extent there are things that you can do to enhance your chances of staying together. Be honest, considerate, and empathetic. Look for things which will make her life better with you and help her to see a great future for you both. It is that much harder with children involved, but they are better off with both of you around. Transition is a long road with lots of bumps and challenges. There are some things about you your wife loves, find out what they are and remind her. Don't give up, think of how important this is and how much it's worth fighting for. Find out what she needs to go on with you and work out how you may provide it. I know what my wife's needs and fears are, and I am trying to find the best outcomes for her as well as myself, knowing there will be compromises both ways.
There are no guarantees, but this is worth the effort. I wish you the best Kirsten,
Allie
