« on: December 28, 2019, 05:38:08 pm »
On December 28, 2016 (three years ago today), I had an epiphany -- I discovered the source of my decades of increasing anger and rage. In seconds, I went from thinking I was just a crossdresser with severe anger issues, to knowing I was transgender. I realized the only course I could take to find peace was to transition. Less than 10 months later, on Oct 11, 2017, I came out to my manager. On Friday, February 16, 2018, I came out at work. Jessica was at her desk the following Monday. It was the first time anyone at work had ever seen her. In fact, the first time she had ever fully dressed was on January 25, which was also the first day she ever ventured out into the world. Before then no one had ever seen Jessica, including me.
The day I came out at work my world turned upside down, and my soul was released from decades of darkness. Nearly two years have passed since then, but it seems a lifetime ago. Like many other travelers, I started this journey without a map. My life went on 'hold' while I sorted my way through transition. Things have settled down now, and I realize my life really hasn't changed much. My family still loves me, we live in the same house, and I have the same job. Although I lost a few friends, I also found many new ones.
What has changed? Me.
I changed my name, my voice, and my gender expression. I wear different clothes, I use makeup, and my hair is much longer. I lost weight, I am healthier, and I am much happier. However, the most important changes are those most people can't see:
- I discovered there is more than one emotion.
- I no longer struggle to control my anger.
- My soul is free to dance in the sun.
- I am at peace.
We ride an emotional rollercoaster during transition. Family and society exert tremendous pressure on us to conform. Many of us experience a lifetime of struggles and emotions in just a year or two. The thought of transitioning can be so frightening that some decide to remain in misery. The process can be expensive, and the steps seem endless, nearly impossible. There may be hundreds of hours of electrolysis, potential surgery, family challenges, social challenges, financial challenges, and legal challenges. If I had made a list of all the things I would need to do for transition before I had made my decision, I probably wouldn't be alive today. I'm glad I didn't make that list!
Was it worth it? Was putting my life through turmoil for a few years only to have things still nearly the same worth it? Yes, without hesitation. No matter how perfect your life may seem, there is no substitute for being able to simply be yourself. Perhaps the poet e.e. cummings said it best:
'To be nobody but yourself in a world which is doing its best, night and day, to make you everybody else, means to fight the hardest battle which any human can fight; and never stop fighting... Does this sound dismal? It isn't. It's the most wonderful life on earth.'
On October 11th, 2018, I closed my 'National Coming Out Day' presentation at work with these words: 'Don't let others tell you who you are, just be yourself. The world will adjust.' Three years ago I listened to that little voice inside me, the one telling me who I should be. Two years ago I told the world, and the world has slowly adjusted. Living as your true self is indeed a wonderful life.
When does transition end and your new life begin? There is no standard for this, no formula you can use to calculate the date. The next phase of your life begins when you say it does. For me, being transgender meant being in an 'in between' state. For the first 54 years of my life I lived as a male. Then I discovered the source of my growing anger and rage -- I was actually a woman living in the body of a man. I was transgender. Now I have done everything I can to transition medically, legally, and socially. Although medically I will always be considered transgender, and I will continue learning about my new role for the rest of my life, all the big stuff is done. The final piece was getting a new birth certificate which declared that on July 27, many years ago, a little girl named Jessica Rose was born. My mind and body are now in alignment. I am no longer 'in between'. My transition is complete. My life is no longer on 'hold', and I have become the person I was born to be. I am Jessica.
Now it is time for my wife and I to simply enjoy being two people whose love survived this ultimate challenge. My thanks to everyone who offered advice and support along the way, and to some new friends who will always be considered part of my family.
Love always -- Jessica Rose
