A day in the life of Jessica_k

[LoriDee]

I aspire to be a 38D. 
Still at 38B. I have so many bras that I really like, but can't wear them. My size keeps going up and down. In winter, I hibernate and spend more time indoors. Weight goes up. The weather warms up and I am outside more. Then when May comes around I am out gold mining and working hard, more weight loss. And of course, all the weight fluctuations happen up top. {sigh}

[davina61]

Marks and Sparks for me, 40C . Have found some very comfy ones, under T shirt ones are good for day wear I find.

[Jessica_K]

Nothing at M&S online, for tea shirt bra, non wired, non padded. Maybe everyone wants padded these days.

Jessica xxx

[davina61]

Not needed to look lately ,thats what they used to have.

[Jessica_K]

They have gone down hill lately. The knickers I used to buy, very comfortable, they don't do anymore. Now they are either skimpie things or full briefs. I am too old for the first and too young for the latter lol.

Kay had been buying from them too, and she cannot find anything right either. I have more choice at the supermarkets.


Xxx

[Jessica_K]

It's Sunday and with last week being very productive work wise, I have been able to relax a bit. Socially last week was **** as I had no one to physically talk to. At least next week will be better on that front.

So with relaxation comes thought. A time to think about things. I was out shopping when at two separate instances I saw young girls, and it instantly made me think about what it would have been like to be them, like them, at that age. A life missed.

Some time ago I used one of these face apps to see what I may have looked like when a teenager. I could see my mother when she was of that age in the result so maybe it could have been near to true. I will temporary change my avatar to one of those pictures.

If I had the same confidence then too as I have now I think I would have been quite popular lol.

So what would have been my life, maybe I would not have gone to university but fitted into the norm then (60's) of working to wait for marriage. Getting married hopefully to a good man and having a family. Now in my later years I would look back on those times to say it was a good life.

Or what if I was determined to get an education, my mother had always wished she had had the opportunity to do better. She had done well but more in the late 40's than the 60's, girls were very much expected to get married and in doing so give up work.

So I think she would have been as supportive of me being a girl as she was with person I was at the time. So I went to university what next. So many paths most leading to similar conclusion marriage, children, career deferred broken lost. What course Would I have done, the 70's was not good for women in STEM, a word that did not exist then.

I think you are getting my drift and thoughts. My life would most likely been very different but even so it would have been a life that was the real me, being and doing things that would have been me as a woman and regardless of the path taken I think I would have been very very happy and not the mess I have been throughout the years.

Hugs
Jessica
Xxx

[LoriDee]

... I was out shopping when at two separate instances I saw young girls, and it instantly made me think about what it would have been like to be them, like them, at that age. A life missed...

Oh wow, you hit me right in the feelings! I have thought that so often myself. I do play the "What If" game in my head. I always have mixed feelings about it. Yes, a life lost. But I am who I am today because of those life experiences. I don't know if my life would have taken a different path, but I think it might have. As you pointed out, we live in a different time now. Thanks for sharing!

Hugs

[Jessica_K]

I know it's dangerous but I have been thinking again.

Waiting, why am I aways waiting. I waited far too long before the start of my transition as I did not want to disappoint people and always put others first. I am still waiting for the NHS provided help after getting on the list for nearly 4 years.

I waited to officially change my name because of difficulties at home though I had used my name socially. I waited for my driving licence change. I waited 6 months to get my gender changed on the NHS.

I am now waiting for the doctors letter to change my passport gender and name then wait again for the passport office to say I am worthy to make that change. I am waiting to see if I could expedite my NHS referral. And if I am lucky then I will be waiting for that appointment to get a surgery referral followed by waiting to get the surgery.

Even little things I am starting to get irritable about like waiting for my next medication, the chemist to contact me for payment. 

To be honest I am tired of waiting and should I just give up. Accept I have gone as far as I can. The system designed to grind you down is grinding me down.

Oh I am fine, I have a good life being who I want to be, probably better than many but I really want more before it's too late and I am feeling it is too late. Time is rushing by the older I get, it's going too fast now againt the powers that be's slow clock.

I have really tried hard to be positive to push against the state, to be proactive but it seems the more I push the less happens.

I think it's time to go to sleep so to tick another day of waiting off my calendar.

Hugs
Jessica

[REM.1126]

Government healthcare.  It good to have the government pay for it.  Unfortunately, that always seems to result in the government controlling it through bureaucracy.  And, that always seems to end up in waiting, sometimes until you are dead. 

In the U.S., it is super expensive.  If you can pay for it, it can be pretty quick.  If you can't, you don't even get the hope of waiting for the government to provide it. 

Trade offs.

[LoriDee]

I have always felt that way and not just with my transition. It seems like I am always waiting for someone else to do their job so I can get on with my life. I feel you on that.
I am usually an optimistic person, but it weighs on me too. When it starts bugging me I go do something I enjoy to take my mind off it. You are not alone. Hugs!

[Jessica_K]

Government healthcare.  It good to have the government pay for it.  Unfortunately, that always seems to result in the government controlling it through bureaucracy.  And, that always seems to end up in waiting, sometimes until you are dead. 

In the U.S., it is super expensive.  If you can pay for it, it can be pretty quick.  If you can't, you don't even get the hope of waiting for the government to provide it. 

Trade offs.

Waiting until you are dead or never being able to afford it, what is the difference! Also watch this space if trends continue the NHS could stop gender care for adults as it has already done for youths. Either way if can afford it you can get it.

[davina61]

Once you get referred you usually have a "fast track" to surgery, 8 months for me. Hang on in there dear it will happen. 

[Gina P]

I feel your pain Jessica. Any time the Govt. gets involved the less things get done. Don't let it grind you down girl. As a late starter myself, I want all the surgeries done yesterday so I can live the rest of my life as a woman. I filed for a name change in November and still waiting, hopefully it will happen in April. Its so easy to get discouraged in this journey. It seams everything is designed to weed out the less determined. We are here with you. Hang in there.
Hugs Gina

[Jessica_K]

This weekend has been very good.

Friday night started the weekend and I got back from my week in Chelmsford. Kay had been staying at our friends S&S as they were on a cruise in Norway and she cat and house sitting. I was to bring over fish and chips as I got back. This meant there was nobody home and I come home and get changed instead of doing it in the car. Had dinner with Kay, then back home.

Saturday morning I had arranged to visit my friend Jules to do some speaker comparisons between my speakers and candidates to replace them for the show in October. We need to focus. Jules only know Jess so great for me to be able to just get up and dress normally for the day.

Kay had chores including seeing the ancient aunt buts was coming home in the afternoon. I spend a bit too long at Jules but all was good when I got home, only this time I had to change in the car as K was already home. We went out that night for dinner yum.

I said "come back to mine for a drink" and she said "yes". It was like dating all over again. I took her back to S&S place to two starving cats. Came home and found she had left her phone at home, so off I went back to give it to her as we had arranged to go out on Sunday.

Sunday arrived and I was expecting a parcel, my meds. I had to be home for delivery so got up and dressed as Jess. Only thrown on clothes and my hair. No makeup. As soon as the parcel had arrived I changed and went to pick up Kay.

We spent quite a bit of time viewing a NT house nr Guildford called Hatchlands that contained a huge collection of keyboard. Dating from the 17c to the 19th, with providence to some of the most famous composers in their age. Including, Liszt, Chopin, Mahler, and JS Bach. Amazing instruments and all but one of the collection tuned and playable with regular concerts in the music room.

One was from the kings own private collection, one owned by the NT but all the others in the huge collection privately owned by the occupants of the house.

We intended to see the gardens and go for a walk in the massive estate grounds that surround the house, but it was raining hard (will it ever stop raining?). So we had lunch in the cafe and drove home.

I cooked a veg curry for us that I made tasty but no heat (a small amount of chilli just to get a tingle) that she ate, so could not been that bad. Then after another cuppa I took her back to S&S's place to feed the cats again.

Is this defining? Could it be best for us to live apart but see lots of each other as dates? Could I possibly be myself during these times instead of having to change? The later is probably a step too far.

Tomorrow I will get up dress as me and spend the day working, and same Tuesday but after dressing start my week of being away again till Friday. Jess is having a great time.

Hugs
Jessica xxx

[LoriDee]

I knew a couple many many years ago, that seemed happily married. After a year they divorced but continued to see each other. They truly loved each other and got married again, then later divorced again. They finally realized that they loved each other and enjoyed each other's company, but just could not tolerate being married to each other. They came to see me for counseling and it turned out they were both introverts. So they loved socializing with each other but needed time apart to recharge. From the outside, it seemed strange, but anyone who knew them understood how much they cared for each other. They had a happy monogamous separated relationship. Moral of the story: Whatever works.

Hugs!

[Jessica_K]

I wrote a long story of my day. Then deleted it. It was too long. So I thought I will just sum it up.

Bad GD day, triggered by a lack of hope.

I spoke of the waiting game before, this something different. It's the waiting for simple things to happen.

Like my doctor and that letter I need for passport that was promised and heard no more. Should I email again? but will that annoy them for being pushy.

Like the GIC no response to my GP's letter and are they going to do anything about my referral. Do I call them but will I get bad news and not sure I could cope with that.

Like my endo, to get them to send a bloods request to my GP and hope it will arrive in time or I will have to go private again.

All this and work stress, and relationship stress and no wonder I flare up.

Tomorrow is another day.

Jessica

[LoriDee]

I am with you right there, Jessica.

Everyone has their battles to fight. The stress, hopelessness. frustration. I think we all feel that.
The key is to keep your eye on the prize. You will get there, just maybe not as fast as you want. Be persistent, but not pushy. Never second-guess yourself. You got this. Just be strong and know that others have walked this path before us, so you can too.

Hugs!

[Jessica_K]

Another stress I could do without.

This are the final few days of working under the old company name, and having a new contract of employment with the company that acquired us.

Along side the contract is the requirement for everyone to be security checked again. This starts with the basic BPS (who you are and if you have a crime record) and extends to a BPSS, the lowest level of security check to work with low level gov or defence documents.

So my first attempt to get the BPS failed as I could not get the app to scan my driving licence. My second attempt managed to get the licence scanned and app crashed. Attempt number 3 pending.

The BPSS however requires a proof of nationality that requires a passport or a Birth Certificate. This is my stress point as both of these documents are in my deadname and gender, plus the passport has a photo before transition. I have to show this at work and I am dreading it incase I get outed due to someone that shouldn't see it does such as a photocopy not removed quick enough.

What I find even more stressful is that if other people did there jobs I would have an updated passport by now. I have been trying for 3 months to get the required doctors letter to apply for the passport gender update. GRRR.

I currently not going to attempt to get my birth certificate changed as that is very long winded, 2 docs letters, and proof of continuous living in your required gender for 2 years. A lot of documents to find, and when I looked recently a number of suitable docs have my name but is genderless ie no title. Plus everything is online now so getting originals is far more difficult. The whole thing is geared to be as difficult as possible.

So stress of still waiting for everything compounded with stress of the BPSS is not doing my mental health any favours.

Some good news, I was in a B&B this week a 17c Manor House and the breakfast was good. Food was OK but the company of guests and owner was lovely. I was in my element being such a social animal and getting passing confirmations. Being stealth for close to 5 years now, I still get a little high when I get the confirmation of being a woman. Probably something I will always get

Hugs
Jessica
Xxx

[Jessica_K]

Can't sleep,

I am wide awake @ 3am, and I need to be up at 6am for my 100 mile trip to work.

Why I can't sleep? Cos so much is going around my head. Still no response for my request for a docs letter for a passport update. More battles with the NHS to attempt to get surgery and it looking more and more that I will not get it unless I go private and no chance of that.

I am in limbo and losing hope rapidly. If I was 20 years younger I know I would take all this in my stride. "It will happen at some time" would be my hope for the future. But I don't seem to have that hope anymore, still years of waiting, getting older, getting to old, perhaps losing my health in the waiting years.

I would say I am wondering why I get up in the mornings but for that I have to sleep. I am beginning to think this is the end of my journey.

The NHS would love for my mental state to deteriorate as then they can deny treatment. But this is putting a big stress on it. So giving up is probably better. I will keep taking the pills, keep spending my days as an incomplete woman for as long as I can but this is not the life I was hoping for. 

Jessica

[imallie]

Can't sleep,

I am wide awake @ 3am, and I need to be up at 6am for my 100 mile trip to work.

Why I can't sleep? Cos so much is going around my head. Still no response for my request for a docs letter for a passport update. More battles with the NHS to attempt to get surgery and it looking more and more that I will not get it unless I go private and no chance of that.

I am in limbo and losing hope rapidly. If I was 20 years younger I know I would take all this in my stride. "It will happen at some time" would be my hope for the future. But I don't seem to have that hope anymore, still years of waiting, getting older, getting to old, perhaps losing my health in the waiting years.

I would say I am wondering why I get up in the mornings but for that I have to sleep. I am beginning to think this is the end of my journey.

The NHS would love for my mental state to deteriorate as then they can deny treatment. But this is putting a big stress on it. So giving up is probably better. I will keep taking the pills, keep spending my days as an incomplete woman for as long as I can but this is not the life I was hoping for. 

Jessica

Jessica -

I'm so so sorry you're dealing with all that! Please don't give up hope, though. As you mentioned, that's always what the powers-that-be want... it makes it easier for them when people just give up because of all the walls they put up. Continue to be a rabble rouser. 

But most importantly, you were a complete woman the day you were born. You've spent your life on the journey to get all the pieces aligned in a way that makes you the most fulfilled, and that's valid and wonderful... and while you're a beautiful woman now, if there's more that you personally need, then your journey continues. However please never for a second feel that at whatever point in the journey you are makes you somehow "incomplete." Nothing could be further from the truth.

Love,
Allie