Do you ever wish you weren't trans?

[Jessica_Rose]

« on: June 18, 2020, 07:57:17 am »
Life is a journey of exploration and learning. We are all trying to answer the universal question 'why are we here?' Very few people get to experience life from more than one point of view, so in a way we are lucky. I would not wish to be transgender, nor would I wish it upon someone else, it is simply who I am.

This is a difficult time for many of us, and not just because we are transgender. For those who have made it past all of the trials and tribulations of transition, ask yourself 'am I happy?' If the answer is 'no', then your journey to seek happiness will continue. If the answer is 'yes', then you probably realize that if your life had been different in any way there is no way to know if you would ever have found happiness.

In many ways I am not the person I used to be, but the experiences from my previous life helped me become the person I am today, and I like who I have become. The key to my happiness was finally accepting who I am and allowing myself to become that person. So, despite all of the things I have been through, I would not wish my life to have been any different. I'm happy being me.

Love always -- Jessica Rose

[Allie Jayne]

Those who know me also know that I am an unwilling participant in this transgender journey. I worked out at an early early age that I had a condition I could not rid myself of, and it was negatively affecting my life. I managed to suppress it for most of my life, and make a good life as a male, but being trans cost me dearly. It made my life in the trucking industry unbearable, and I had to walk away from a lucrative business. It cost me 2 marriages, including losing the love of my life.

I resisted transition until dysphoria had destroyed my health, and the resultant stress was the main factor in my heart attack and 2 cardiac arrests. Though I live comfortably as a woman, I do not pass. Being trans has cost me so much, and nearly my life, and I dare not think about how my life would have been if I wasn't trans. I am comfortable, but not happy with my new life, and admit, I do yearn for the life I lost.

Hugs,

Allie

[Devlyn]

Do you ever wish you weren't trans?

Not at all. Never. I love who I am, and transgender is a part of that. Discovering that I was transgender has been the best learning experience of my life. That knowledge has enriched me in profound ways, and given me the ability to understand other people that I otherwise wouldn't have been able to. I wouldn't give up being transgender for anything.

Hugs, Devlyn

[Gwendoline]

As written before, TG is part of me and therefore also part of who I become, with both benefits and struggles. Whithout it I would not have met the love of my life😘.

Otherwise I will never know what I become if I was no TG. For me it is not interesting as it is not the case now. And that also counts for other things in my life, as having health issues in youth or dying of my father during my youth. Or born later with more info and modern techniques for TG. They are all part of my life and made me who I am now!

[Iztaccihuatl]

I am not sure if I would want not to have these transgender feelings at all. Yes, it would certainly be convenient and would eliminate a lot of issues I am facing, but these feelings are part of me too and that would leave a void. Like having had a lobotomy. I don't want that. Maybe I am weird for thinking this way...

What I do wish is being a fully transitioned and fully integrated beautiful woman.

[Sephirah]

That's basically asking if I wished I weren't me. To that I can only answer... no, I don't ever wish that. But not primarily because of me. Being who I am has allowed me to meet some of the most amazing, incredible, courageous, selfless, kindest people I have ever met in my life.

And to go down that road is to kind of say... would you give all that up? No. Not ever.

As my 5 year old signature states: Nature does nothing in vain. I firmly believe that. Everything happens for a reason. Even if that reason isn't immediately apparent.

[D'Amalie]

Do you ever wish you weren't trans?

Not at all. Never. I love who I am, and transgender is a part of that. Discovering that I was transgender has been the best learning experience of my life. That knowledge has enriched me in profound ways, and given me the ability to understand other people that I otherwise wouldn't have been able to. I wouldn't give up being transgender for anything.

Hugs, Devlyn

Summed up perfectly!

[Jessica_K]

I guess the answer to this is yes, because all I really want is to be female. I should never been anything but female. Being trans is the state of becoming what I really want, not the state I want to be.

Hugs
Jessica xxx

[Donica]

No! I love who I am. However, I do wish I was born female. I believe everything would have been right from the very beginning. But it is what it is, and I couldn't be happier.

Hugs!
Donica

[davina61]

Not at all but glad I waited as have 3 wonderful kids that I wouldn't swop for anything, living my best life now.

[Sarah B]

Absolutely Not, not now and certainly not ever.  Ever since my epiphany, I have realized that I have always been a female and I always will be period.  Regardless of what happened before that moment in time or to put it another way, ever since I was born, I have always been me, regardless of whatever I did.  No ifs and no buts.

I have always done what I wanted to do before and after that brief moment in time and that makes me who I am, to even consider, "that I wish I was not trans", would in essence not make me who I am today.  I love who I am, warts and all.

I would never seek any treatment whatsoever that would change me into the opposite sex (what I was before), in other words, the only treatment I would seek would be to change my chromosomes and to be able to bear children.

Unfortunately with the technology that we have at present, that is not even remotely possible and hence I will have to live with that knowledge for the rest of my life, which makes me sad and yes, that situation sucks badly.

I'm not 'trans' anything never have been and never will be and the constant scenarios that are created, lets put it this way, it 'triggers' me (maybe a little over reacting, but you get the drift) or in other words annoys the hell out of me.  I'm coming about this topic from my perspective only, what you see written down here is the essence or the core of my being.

Lets be brutally honest here.  The only 'trans' word that I will ever use and that is 'Transsexual'.  I use this word because it basically comes from the Harry Benjamin scale and I identify with this scale strongly.  I will only use the word 'Transsexual' only in a medical situation and then, only when the physician knows about my condition, so in essence the word 'Transsexual' will only be used rarely on my part, if that.

The other 'trans' word that is used is 'transition'.  I never ever transitioned or even considered that I transitioned, why?  Because I have always been female.  So around the time of my epiphany all I did was, I changed my clothing style, I put on a little makeup and I sought some medical treatment for me and hay presto, I was still me, a female.

Just to let you know, the above thoughts are just about me, being honest about this issue and I hope that those who read it will understand where I'm coming from or in other words.  This is just me and only just me.

Love to one and all
Sarah B
PS  Just a clarification, after rereading this post several times and to make it abundantly clear.  I'm Not and I will never be 'Trans' anything.

[Mariah]

That's basically asking if I wished I weren't me. To that I can only answer... no, I don't ever wish that. But not primarily because of me. Being who I am has allowed me to meet some of the most amazing, incredible, courageous, selfless, kindest people I have ever met in my life.

And to go down that road is to kind of say... would you give all that up? No. Not ever.

As my 5 year old signature states: Nature does nothing in vain. I firmly believe that. Everything happens for a reason. Even if that reason isn't immediately apparent.

Totally agree. I wouldn't be me without being who I am. Those life experiences that have occurred as a result of made me a better person. Hugs
Mariah

[imallie]

I certainly fought it for a while, before I finally realized I was trying to push back the ocean and started making peace with it.

The "fight" was about guilt as much as anything.

Even now, early in my transition, I can recognize how much easier my life would be if I were not trans. But the thing is, I honestly don't spend a single moment any more thinking on the "what if?" question. Mostly because I feel like it's asking "what if the sky wasn't blue?" -- it's a question whose answer serves absolutely no purpose and in therefore not worthy of my time and consideration.

[ClaireBlooming]

Unpopular opinion perhaps, but yes I wish I wasn't trans. All the time.

I hate this complication that's been dropped on me.  I love 90% of my life otherwise but this thing just won't go away. I'd love nothing more than to wake up and not have the constant buzzing in my head.

I just want to be happy and secure with who I am, no matter what.  My therapist has her work cut out for her.

[TXSara]

Unpopular opinion perhaps, but yes I wish I wasn't trans. All the time.

I hate this complication that's been dropped on me.  I love 90% of my life otherwise but this thing just won't go away. I'd love nothing more than to wake up and not have the constant buzzing in my head.

I just want to be happy and secure with who I am, no matter what.  My therapist has her work cut out for her.

I don't think it's an unpopular opinion at all.  I think that a lot of it has to do with perspective and where you currently are physically and emotionally. 

If you have already transitioned and/or are feeling good about how things are going, I believe your perspective may be that you wouldn't want to give up the time spent as your former self.  You also may see the transition as a crucible that has shaped you into a better person.  That's where I am today.

If you are struggling with this and possibly seeing that there is no good solution in sight, then yeah... you're going to wish you didn't have this as part of you.  That's completely normal and expected.  That's where I used to be.  I really wished that either (a) I had been born female, or (b) was OK with being male.  Neither were true, so I had to do something about it. 

In retrospect, I feel like I have experienced a life that very few people in this world have the opportunity to experience.  I wouldn't change the way things worked out even though life (even now) would be much easier.

~Sara

[ClaireBlooming]

I don't think it's an unpopular opinion at all.  I think that a lot of it has to do with perspective and where you currently are physically and emotionally. 

If you have already transitioned and/or are feeling good about how things are going, I believe your perspective may be that you wouldn't want to give up the time spent as your former self.  You also may see the transition as a crucible that has shaped you into a better person.  That's where I am today.

If you are struggling with this and possibly seeing that there is no good solution in sight, then yeah... you're going to wish you didn't have this as part of you.  That's completely normal and expected.  That's where I used to be.  I really wished that either (a) I had been born female, or (b) was OK with being male.  Neither were true, so I had to do something about it. 

In retrospect, I feel like I have experienced a life that very few people in this world have the opportunity to experience.  I wouldn't change the way things worked out even though life (even now) would be much easier.

~Sara

I feel much the same way.  If I can't have been born female, why couldn't I have just been happy as a male?

Even though I've had gender variant feelings since I was 5, I feel like I'm very much at the beginning of my journey.  I'm heavily closeted with an unsupportive SO.  I feel trapped.  I know the truth, and it feels like I'm barreling inexorably towards a truth that I don't want.

-Claire

[Courtney G]

So much information and honesty in a thread like this. It's very valuable to me, as well as to others who might be lurking here.

I could ponder this question for a couple of months and I still don't think I'd be sure how to answer it.

I keep thinking back to a post a saw a few months ago from an "elder" here, who advised a person who was on the fence to strongly consider the consequences of coming out and/or transitioning. She said something like "it's really hard. Don't do it unless you have no other choice."

I thought "wow, that's pretty harsh". But after thinking about it and reflecting on my own situation and the stories I've heard, I can't really disagree. This is hard for most of us. Who wants that kind of pain and suffering?

We're trans because we're trans. As I'm fond of saying, I started my transition because I could not longer not start it. Everything was "fine" in my life, except for that longing that wouldn't go away. Starting to satisfy that longing has been a source of great joy. Pondering the consequences of this action has been a constant source of anxiety, a yin to my yang.

Do I wish I wasn't trans? Well, if I could have found contentment as a male, yes, I wish I wasn't trans. Do I want to return to my male self and revert back to the constant dreaming about being female? No. If someone offered me a pill that would return my body to what it was and take away the longing, would I take it? No. Because the longing is a part of me. I don't know that I'd be anything like the person I am without it. While I wish it never happened to me, it did, and I finally started doing something about it.

I will continue to have lots of doubts, fears and anxiety. If, somehow, I find a way to live as a woman and find a reasonable level of acceptance, I suspect I won't wish this never happened to me. I suspect I'll embrace being trans. I suspect I'll find a level of happiness I never dreamed possible.

In the meantime, I'm glad I'm not alone.

[Sarah B]

In a post in this thread, I categorically said "Absolutely Not"  In other words I want to remain a 'transsexual' forever.  Why?  There are a couple of reasons, one I'm a female, I want to remain a female forever and I have always been a female.  Two, this is the closest I can ever be, to being a female after treatment.

A more pertinent or poignant question to ask is why us?  The answer lies simply in nature.  There is about 5% of us, including intersex people. (don't quote me on this figure it's just for illustration purposes only).  Nature stuffed up or humans interfered in some way which caused the condition that we have.  I accept my condition unconditionally.

Knowing this and accepting this one can seek out treatment that will alleviate these symptoms to some degree.  My understanding over the years, when my condition reared its ugly head, I did not think twice about it, I just continued with my life.  Eventually, I suppose it became to much and I did what I had to do without even realising what I was doing, I did not know at the time, where I was going, I did not know what I was doing, even I did not think about what I was doing.

Courtney G elaborated in one of her posts.

We're trans because we're trans. As I'm fond of saying, I started my transition because I could not longer not start it. Everything was "fine" in my life, except for that longing that wouldn't go away. Starting to satisfy that longing has been a source of great joy. Pondering the consequences of this action has been a constant source of anxiety, a yin to my yang.

Thank you Courtney G for putting eloquently into words that describes what went on within me, without one realizing it.

The only difference, I had no anxiety whatsoever, no dysphoria per se, the longing was always there and eventually information about my condition and uncle saying "go and live as a female", gave me the impetuous to do what needed to be done.  So I left family and friends and in doing so, I was prepared to lose everything, to go and live as a female.

In my case what needed to be done to relieve my symptoms, I had the following treatments, electrolysis to get rid of facial hair, female hormones to grow my breasts, anti testosterone injections to remove the damaging effects of balding and surgery so that I could function as a normal female.  There are two treatments that I cannot change, my chromosomes or my body to bear children.  This alone brings me to tears.

As TxSara says,

In retrospect, I feel like I have experienced a life that very few people in this world have the opportunity to experience.  I wouldn't change the way things worked out even though life (even now) would be much easier.

I would say it this way

"In retrospect, I feel like I have experienced a life that very few people in this world have the opportunity to experience.  I wouldn't change anything, the way things worked out, ever."

Wishing you all the best for the future.

Kindest regards to one and all
Sarah B
PS Courtney G, you are never alone
PSS Edited to add 'prepared to lose everything'

[Gina P]

I defiantly wish I was not trans. I wish I had been born female. I love being female and really never found happiness as a male. As trans, perhaps I'm not a CIS woman but the longing and desires nor longer taunt me day and night. I don't have to hide who and what I am since coming out. I like the changes HRT has brought. I like the person I see in the mirror. I like not hiding anymore and the peace that came along with it. Being trans has been a huge source of pain most of my life, but excepting that is what I am and living my life as a woman has brought me great peace and joy.

[ClaireBlooming]

So many thoughful answers.  You all have reached a level of acceptance I can only dream about.  So far.  I just pray I get there someday.

Hugs,

Claire