Is it worth it?

[AshleyBrenna]

I'm fairly new to this community joined before Christmas. I was almost certain that sooner or later I would begin the motions to change myself. However, after Christmas I began to debate that. Just looking for guidance in this post. I'm 20 right now and I don't want to wait too long as like Ive read on here its much better to start earlier.

I began to debate it because at Christmas I felt alone, something I haven't felt in a while probably because I'm 20 now. I felt like I need a strong romantic relationship and the relationships Ive had in the past have all been short lived. But I know if I go ahead with this steps to begin transition the likelihood of being in a strong relationship goes downhill. Right now honestly I do not know what I wish for more. A strong romantic relationship or becoming a female. But if god appeared and asked me to choose I would choose becoming a female. So I guess I kinda answered my own question.

Thats the first thing holding me back. The other is passing. This may sound a bit conceited but I am a very good looking guy as is. But I don't feel comfortable at all like this inside. All my life I felt I was a horrendous looking ugly monster as a man, Ive acted like a stereotypical teenage girl my whole life with my looks,  even though Im good looking. This this is just because my mind views me as a girl perhaps... But I'm going off on a tangent, this self doubt over my appearance has hung over my entire life. And I know there will be even more self doubt if I begin the steps to transfer. I don't know, I have broad shoulders, big hands, big feet and a deeper then average male voice. All of these makes me thing it will be even worse. Is it worth it, to spend all that money and all the self doubt to finally feel like you?   

The other is losing my family. I don't know how my family would react. In some ways they seem very liberal in others the visa versa, so its very much a 50/50.  I never really had any great/ good friends probably because I feel like an outcast inside. I ran with the cool kids I suppose in school but none were really a good friend. Thus leaving with my only strong social connection with my family. So I have no idea and I'm afraid I would be ostracized by my family. Is it worth it in the end?

Also Im worried about what will happen after college? Will it be hard to find good work? Should I move out to California? I live in the metropolitan northeast right now.

Then the pro is right now I am sitting at home on my computer. And I'm wearing the first outfit I ever spent my money on, and the first time Ive worn women's clothes out of bedroom, (IE not taking from my mom or sister. and truth be told I never felt this alive and comfortable and relaxed as I do now. And I can imagine if I was sitting here anatomically correct and as a real woman I guess it would be a whole never level of comfortability and relaxation.
( If anyone wondered my outfit is in the style from Ashley Tisdale, and today is the first day I ever wore a bra with pads in them)

Anyways thanks for reading my rant, hope it didn't bore you to death. I just want to know what some of you have done when you were faced with some of these issues. Because honestly I don't know. So basically, is it worth it in the end is my question?

[Sarah Louise]

Hi,

It sounds to me like it is time for you to find a gender therapist and discuss these issues.

Sarah L.

[seldom]

Go see a therapist.  Whether or not it is worth it is for you to figure out.  I struggled with same issue until this year.  I can tell you it has been worth it for me personally, but difficult.

This is not an easy process.  It is one of the hardest things you will go through. 

[Kate]

So basically, is it worth it in the end is my question?

I did wonder at first if I was throwing away a perfectly good life (aside from the GID torture) to just be a "transsexual" in everyone's eyes, and not a "real woman."

The sad thing was that question eventually became meaningless to me. It wasn't a trade, or a purchase to transition... it was the natural and inevitable consequence of accepting who I was, and always had been.

Once you really SEE it, your entire life as a whole, and who you always were... there just doesn't seem to be anything else to do other than transition, and let the chips fall as they may.

IMHO and all that of course, as everyone's situation is different. But that was my experience.

~Kate~

[AshleyBrenna]

Hi,

It sounds to me like it is time for you to find a gender therapist and discuss these issues.

Sarah L.

The thing is about a therapist is that I dont have the money right now to throw thousands of dollars. Im 20 and besides my mediocre job Im financially dependent on my parents. It will of course be the first step I choose after I decide.

[Julie Marie]

Ashley, you'll know when it's time or if it's ever time.  Instead of thinking about all the what ifs, look deep within yourself and get in touch with how you feel.  If you feel you are a woman, then you are.  If not, then stay as you are. 

I'm 56.  I started my transition two years ago.  Sure, it would have been great to start at puberty.  But that didn't happen.  And it didn't happen in my 20's, 30's or 40's either.  It happened at 54.  And I'm okay with that. 

Like you, I felt I could never pass.  I felt my shoulders were too broad, my voice too deep (I can do Lurch no problem!) my other physical features hopelessly male.  That kept me from even thinking I'd transition.  When my therapist brought it up I said "NO WAY! NOT EVER!"  Now I have GRS planned for June and am looking into FFS.  When I go out I pass most of the time and I have a moderately passable voice too.  How things change!

What happened was along the way I transitioned mentally.  Once that happened everything else fell into place.  When you believe in yourself nothing can break you.

Obviously right now you need counseling of some sort.  You need someone to help you decide what is really important and what is not.  Find a local TG group and join.  Talk to others who have traveled the road.  Experience life as a woman even if it's in the safety of a meeting room.  We all have to start somewhere.  As time goes on you'll discover more about yourself and this will help you make the decision about which path to follow.

And keep in touch here.  Good luck!

Julie

[AshleyBrenna]

So basically, is it worth it in the end is my question?

I did wonder at first if I was throwing away a perfectly good life (aside from the GID torture) to just be a "transsexual" in everyone's eyes, and not a "real woman."

The sad thing was that question eventually became meaningless to me. It wasn't a trade, or a purchase to transition... it was the natural and inevitable consequence of accepting who I was, and always had been.

Once you really SEE it, your entire life as a whole, and who you always were... there just doesn't seem to be anything else to do other than transition, and let the chips fall as they may.

IMHO and all that of course, as everyone's situation is different. But that was my experience.

~Kate~

I see what you mean. I will probably eventually be 100%  sure Im just worried because a lot of posts on here say the sooner you start the better. And I feel like Im working with a ticking time bomb. And I love the "let the chips fall as they may," use that quote for myself through many small hardships I face.

Posted on: January 11, 2008, 11:45:26 AM

Ashley, you'll know when it's time or if it's ever time.  Instead of thinking about all the what ifs, look deep within yourself and get in touch with how you feel.  If you feel you are a woman, then you are.  If not, then stay as you are. 

I'm 56.  I started my transition two years ago.  Sure, it would have been great to start at puberty.  But that didn't happen.  And it didn't happen in my 20's, 30's or 40's either.  It happened at 54.  And I'm okay with that. 

Like you, I felt I could never pass.  I felt my shoulders were too broad, my voice too deep (I can do Lurch no problem!) my other physical features hopelessly male.  That kept me from even thinking I'd transition.  When my therapist brought it up I said "NO WAY! NOT EVER!"  Now I have GRS planned for June and am looking into FFS.  When I go out I pass most of the time and I have a moderately passable voice too.  How things change!

What happened was along the way I transitioned mentally.  Once that happened everything else fell into place.  When you believe in yourself nothing can break you.

Obviously right now you need counseling of some sort.  You need someone to help you decide what is really important and what is not.  Find a local TG group and join.  Talk to others who have traveled the road.  Experience life as a woman even if it's in the safety of a meeting room.  We all have to start somewhere.  As time goes on you'll discover more about yourself and this will help you make the decision about which path to follow.

And keep in touch here.  Good luck!

Julie

Good post and thanks for giving me a bit more hope. And thanks for the last idea.  Probably look towards that in the summer after im home from college.

just a question did your mind transition after you began your journey or before? And if it was before did you do anything to set the motions? Know its different for everybody.

[Enigma]

I see what you mean. I will probably eventually be 100%  sure Im just worried because a lot of posts on here say the sooner you start the better.

Every word of the sooner you start the better is true on many different levels, but at the same time don't push yourself into doing something you're not ready to.

My former roomate took in young TSs like some people take in strays.  All of them were under 25 (the mythical do or die age), at best they passed marginally and even when they did pass they were emotional and psychological wrecks.  Who did pass?  Her part time girlfriend in her late 30s that didn't transistion until long after 30.

For some people it comes early, for some people it never comes.  You know when its your turn...

[tekla]

Well the big question is one that only you can answer.  Robert Frost once said:

I shall be telling this with a sigh
Somewhere ages and ages hence:
Two roads diverged in a wood, and I--
I took the one less traveled by,
And that has made all the difference.

No one can answer that but you.  Others, a head doctor or whatever might give you things to think about, other things to consider, but they can't answer it either.  Be aware that there are lot of choice that will land you in a place where clicking your heels three times and wishing to go home will not get you there.  The die is cast at some point and it can't be changed.  And only you will know if you need to stand and deliver or grab the gold and hightail it down to Mexico.  And don't rush to make that decision, in every choice there is a point of no return.

As for doing it younger than older, please remember that for many of us, the choices you have at 20 were not available to us, so the question never came up, and we found a different path.  I found people who were - if not cool - were at least OK with who I was.  By one point in my life I was the 'Bitches' Bitch" as they called me because on a tour bus with 9 women I was the 10th chosen to fill the empty bunk on the 'circus in a submarine' called summer tour.  8 summers of that taught me a lot.  Some of the best times of my life happened on that bus someplace out on the Interstate City between New York and LA.  It happened because I was comfortable in who I was and the choices I had made.  But then again, none of the girls were ever the stereotype girls either.

[Julie Marie]

just a question did your mind transition after you began your journey or before? And if it was before did you do anything to set the motions? Know its different for everybody.

My mental transition started as soon as I began breaking down the walls of denial.  That happened a few months after I said to myself, "Everyone is gone.  Who am I staying male for?", the day I decided to transition.  To me, mental transitioning was hugely important because it helped me have the strength to stand up to the resistance I was getting everywhere.  Right now I'd say I'm about 90% transitioned mentally.  I think it won't be 100% until after I'm totally full time (not out at work yet).

Julie

[AshleyBrenna]

hmmm thanks for the advice everyone. I appreciate it.   

[cjennyb]

The advice in this thread is very good.  I wish I had read it 32 years ago.

What sort of relationship are you looking for?  Don't deny yourself the possibility that it can still happen no matter what decision you take.

When I was 20 I am not sure what my decision would have been, probably transition.  However I had no choice, (many reasons why in 1975 it was unspeakable for most), and now I have 2 wonderful adult children, a loving wife, a moderately succesful career to look back on,and many years of anxiety and denial to wrestle with.

Like Julie I had a number of events in my recent life which became the catlysts for my new found decision to transition.  I no longer needed to be the alpha male in the family, once I give away my daughters hand in marriage next month, and my anxieties just continued to accumulate until they reached bursting point, whereupon I needed help from a therapist.  My therapist put me straight, guided me through all the issues I had, helped me break down my own walls of denial, and set me on the road to fulfillment. 

Now life is rosy.
At least today it is.

Best of luck Ashley.  It is not easy, but try to do what your heart tells you.  You will always have friends here.

Jenny

[shanetastic]

hey Ashley,

I'm nineteen, so were pretty close in age, but I just wanted to chime in a few things here.  I'll probably just repeat what everyone else has said and not even notice, but I guess I'll still try to give some advice here.

First off, good friends are 21583029x better than a relationship (this is my opinion so sorry if someone doesn't agree).  If you're going to do this, or get in therapy and start looking at some possibilities, I would suggest you just have some friends or family that would support you in this decision. 

Money is another issue at our age, but I think that goes with the support.  You say your parents are sort of liberal. . . so maybe this could be good?  And also, I was told that I was / who knows maybe still am a good looking guy too.  But I mean, that isn't going to make you happy though.  If you really do feel this way, that whole feeling of being trapt and always wavering about what to do will just grow too great until you can't manage anymore.

Anyways, I'm going to have to reiterate what most everyone else said too, and that's to try to find a gender therapist.  They'll help you in knowing if the juice is worth the squeeze

Good luck!

[IsabelleStPierre]

Hey Ashley,

You have gotten a number of good responses to your post...but I thought I would add my 2 cents here.

First off, the only person who can determine if it's worth it...is you. We can give you all the advice and guidance possible, but ultimately you will be the one who has to live with your choices.

It is normal to be nervous about things...it is a big step. To be honest I would be more worried if you were not nervous.

Perhaps one of the most important things you will need along your path is a good gender therapist. I know you have mentioned that money is a problem...it usually is for a lot of trans folks, but even more so for those who are younger. There are a number of reasons you need a therapist; you need a letter from them to start hormones, getting SRS, but most importantly they will help you to deal with a lot of the emotional things you'll find yourself going through. I cannot stress the importance of this; you may be able to find one that has a sliding scale to help those with limited income, or you might be able to find a service locally that will help pay for the visits. If not a therapist, see if there is a local support group...they will be able to help you immensly in finding your way through things in your particular area. You mentioned college...see if there is a LGBT organization on your campus...they can also be good sources of information on local resources.

As for family, you may or may not loose them along the way...and yes...loosing them will hurt a lot. You may or may not also loose friends along the way too...and yes...that will hurt too. One thing I have found along my journey is that I have made a new family within the trans community...one that accepts me for me and have in some ways become closer to me then my actual family. The point is that people in our lives are always in a constant flux...yes family should stay solid...but sometimes it's just not possible. Also, your folks may have a difficult time at first, but if they truly love you they will try...it may take time...but you never know unless you try.

I transitioned when I was young, younger than you and it does have some benefits over waiting until later in life...but there are also problems that come with transitioning younger. The problems of transitioning young differ in some basic ways then those who transitioned later in life. You have already hit on the most common one for the young transitioner...namely money. Since it's more unlikely that young transitioner's have had children...you may want to consider having your sperm stored for possible future use. Transitioning in college is not as difficult as it once was...generally most schools are more accommodating now then in the past. One important thing to also consider is that if you do transition before finishing college...get your name change as soon as possible...that way you will get your degree in your new name...once a degree is issued, colleges are not under any obligation to reissue a new one if you change your name later in life...hence possibly outing you in the future. And perhaps the biggest benefit of all...having the chance to live the vast majority of your life as your true self.

Anyway, it is a big step and only you can ultimately decide what is right for you. As with everything in life...there are pro's and con's to transitioning younger as opposed to later...what you need to determine is if the pro's out weigh the con's in your case...

Peace and love,
Isabelle St-Pierre

[tekla]

"once a degree is issued, colleges are not under any obligation to reissue a new one if you change your name later in life"

For higher degrees they can't, tied as they are to publicly published works.

[Sarah]

Is it worth it?
Is it worth being out?
Oh yeah.

It is for me.
You couldn't pay me enough to go back in the closet.

I hate lying to me.
I hate lying to people.
I hate lying to my friends.

I want to be me as I actually am, not as others would have me be.

What other people think of me is none of my business. That's my motto regarding this.
I don't know if it's true for you, but it was torture for me not to at least be out.

There is a middle ground.

If you are true to yourself, your friends and life will follow.

[Kate]

If you are true to yourself, your friends and life will follow.

Beautiful. Perfect. And therein lies The Key

~Kate~

[NicholeW.]

If you are true to yourself, your friends and life will follow.

Beautiful. Perfect. And therein lies The Key

~Kate~

I love Kate. But, I am not sure there is "The Key" anywhere. Our lives are so very different, but getting to know yourself -- I have never really seen how anyone born with GID can help it!! -- is certainly one of them anyhow.

I won't say all, because that is bound to be wrong, but many of us were and are faced with what you describe. A kinda scary "can I do this or not" that often revolves around how we are gonna look. Well, no one knows when we start.

So, it's gotta be a really deeply-held belief that what I am doing is right for me.

I lost a lot and have gained a lot. I have taken avenues I would never have thought of eight years ago.

Unlike some of the younger girls, I have done this late, relatively speaking. Yes, to have known, to have been raised elsewhere than I was, not to have experienced a couple of really nasty things early might have all made great differences back then.

But, I have also discovered great differences where I am now as well. Things I would not trade for anything else.   

The results have been well worth it. O, I'd love to have a voice like some of the women I hear on the radio, ummm Terri Gross on "Fresh Air" comes immediately to mind. And I would love to 'look' like ... maybe Jodie Foster. But, ya know. The way I sound and the way I look is really just fine. I don't have people stopping and staring at me. I don't get 'sirred' or have people act, at least, as if they have seen a 'horse of a different color.'

I am consistently with all sorts of women and get the occasional cat-call from some boorish male driving or walking past.

There are just so many variables, some of which can be taken care of with surgery and others that cannot be taken care of at all.

So knowing yourself and being true to your own heart are probably, if not "The Key" certainly one that will open a lot of the locks to the major doors.

I blend and that makes me happy. But, had things not worked out that way, then I would have still done as I did. I had that very firm before I began. I have a deep admiration for those who don't pass and go ahead with transition. Simply because they are 'true to themselves' and let the devil take the rest of it.

All the best, Ashley Brenna.

Nichole

[Terra]

Well Ashley, you ask the million dollar question, "Is it worth it?"

Truth is, it depends on what you are willing to lose along the way. You could lose friends, career options, health, possibly even your life. But all the others are right, it is a decision only you can make. But speaking for myself, if I had to start over from the beginning, I'd do it all again. Because as someone wise once said, "Hating yourself is the worst kind of loneliness." I hated myself to the point of suicide before I started.

From a non-professional viewpoint, it sounds like you have something going on. So the first step would be to talk to professional and see if there is something. You mentioned feeling like a time-bomb, and I won't be a hypocrite and tell you to ignore that feeling. That feeling is why i'm here as I am today. What I will tell you is to be wary of that feeling, I survived the many walls I crashed into from being driven by it. You however may not. Again, talk to the professionals.

As for the passing? To be honest Ashley, you are gambling. You won't, most likely, turn out to be the next supermodel. But it is possible you will be moderately pretty. But again, it is a gamble. So be honest with yourself about your expectations. You need to be honest with yourself with every step of the process, you only hurt yourself otherwise.

I'm not trying to be negative, but I am trying to help you see all the facets of going down this path. "Is it worth it?" I say yes, but you might say no. It all is up to you Ashley.

Best of wishes and luck to you.

Angel

[Ember Lewis]

I'm trying to peel myself away from the computer so I didn't read all you post. But it's sounds similar to what I went through...I got my personal happiness confused with a relationship. After too many years of trying to be in a relationship to "make me happy" I learned it would never do that long term. Infact I was such a mess and so confused and timid that I probably would never be able to be in a relationship. Only after transing has this changed, I know now why getting into a relationship was so hard. It was because I was insecure with myself and my body, but at the time I thought a relationship would cure me and make me happy. I hope this helps but I agree with others just look into counseling I think it will help you alot.