MTF in need of help (3), a fresh start

[Rachel]

Hi, I think it is not such a bad thing to lose the past and start fresh. I have my posts backed up through 2022. I have no desire to reread them. It all started in 12/2012, 11 years ago. I am a different person now then I was in 2012. I was very fragile and do not want to revisit that time. 


Hormones
So If I read correctly we can post dosages. My E was 1800 on my most recent doctors visit. I was taking
.... mg estradiol IM weekly. My PAc wanted me to take .... mg per week. I negotiated to .... mg IM per week until the next blood test in April or May. My script does say .... mg weekly IM injection. I was taking a pea size of T daily as instructed by my PAc. My T was 128 so no more T. I told him that but he continues the T script. I asked if there was a way I could meter the T and he said only with an injection. I told him I would never inject T.I still take .... mg of P a night.

The Symbian
I got a bad dragon unicorn horn (large) and am in the process of expanding my vaginal canal diameter. I am making good progress.

New Years
I did not ho to the party in West Philly. I thought that NY Eve is a bad time to travel 45 minutes each way. There are plenty of parties throughout the year when there are not mind altered people on the roads.

Sex Clubs
I joined a sex club in Philly fish Town section and I will be joining another one in West Philly section of Philly. I like my body and I am totally uninhibited showing my body in a party and playing with guys. At some point I will go to a cherry party and see how it is with all woman. As long as the woman is dominant I think it would work. IDK. I have been with 3 dominant woman. I have been with a lot of guys.

Rachel Lynn

[Flan]

friendly note: more hormones doesn't mean more better. see https://onlinelibrary.wiley.com/doi/pdfdirect/10.1002/nau.25097

might want to talk to the doctor again since you should be able to try something a little less hardcore (like gel) that'll help with overall balance.

[Oldandcreaky]

Hey, Rachel! Good to see you begin your blog again.

[Rachel]

@Flan, My E was at 1800 when I was taking 3 times the E I am taking now. It should be at an average of 600 now and I will get tested again in May. I am bring good and complying 100% with my NPc. Thank you for replying.

@Oldandcreaky, thank you for your support.

Yesterday
I felt sick after eating a PJ sandwich and a Kiwi and small apply. I need to concentrate on calorie dense low volume food. I did not throw up. If I do I need to call the onco office and get my visit moved up. I think I am fine.

Today
I went to a Penn Laryngologist to have my vocal folds scoped and see a speech pathologist to access my voice. My vocal folds are a little bit out of synch and the vocal fold protrusion is gone . My HZ is 240 to 300 plus, and the speech pathologist said I am not hoarse. I have some vocal fry. Also, that she likes my voice and that it is fine and it is very feminine. I 100% get gendered female in person and on the phone. 

She asked the amount of caffeine I take and water I consume. I get to work at 4:30 to 4:40 and drink a lot of caffeinated drinks. I only drink 20 to 40 ounces of water at the gym 3 times a week. She said I can have 2 cups of tea a day and must drink 60 ounces of water a day (40 if no tea). She said I am dehydrated and If I wanted to reduce the vocal fry then I need to hydrate. 

 I asked 2 friends today and they said they love my voice. They think is sounds sexy. The problem it that I have no reference and when I record my voice I think I sound just like before I had 3 surgeries ( I am wrong). I am glad I had the consults. I am 100% done with my voice and very happy with my voice. I will reduce caffeine and increase water.
 
Rachel Lynn

[Rachel]

Hi, I did not see a sexuality section under health so I will be very mild.

I went to a place last night to see two friends we were meeting at a place where a lot of sex takes place. So I texted them I was there and proceeded to go in and find them. A tall man 6'6" looked at me and then did a double look, turned and he said hi. He said hi and we chatted for a minute. Then well you know. He was very muscular and the largest guy yet. I have his phone number and we will get back to together again.

My two friends found me and well you know. Then 3 other guys said hi and well you know. I left soon afterwards. I was home very early.

Fun knight. Next Friday I have a Bangkok party and the following Friday another party.

Tomorrow I have a Japanese sleeve outline left arm. Next Saturday I have the last bit of work on my right sleeve.

Rachel Lynn

[Northern Star Girl]

@Rachel
Dear Rachel:
Here is the "sexuality section" that you are looking for:

                    Sexuality
          https://www.susans.org/index.php/board,36.0.html

Susan's Place Transgender Resources
  ► General Discussions
          ► Health
                ► Sexuality

HUGS, Danielle

Hi, I did not see a sexuality section under health so I will be very mild.

I went to a place last night to see two friends we were meeting at a place where a lot of sex takes place. So I texted them I was there and proceeded to go in and find them. A tall man 6'6" looked at me and then did a double look, turned and he said hi. He said hi and we chatted for a minute. Then well you know. He was very muscular and the largest guy yet. I have his phone number and we will get back to together again.

My two friends found me and well you know. Then 3 other guys said hi and well you know. I left soon afterwards. I was home very early.

Fun knight. Next Friday I have a Bangkok party and the following Friday another party.

Tomorrow I have a Japanese sleeve outline left arm. Next Saturday I have the last bit of work on my right sleeve.

Rachel Lynn

[Rachel]

My right arm sleeve is almost done and the last appointment is 2/3. It is flowers and absolutely beautiful. It was done by Cody Dean at Central Tattoo. I have my left sleeve outline done. It will be Japanese with cherry blossoms and a chrysanthemum. I am going to Ted Knight at Black Vulture.

I am thinking about a Japanese back tattoo and I have the characters picked out. Butterflies, and a 9 tailed fox with its face looking at the woman's face on my right shoulder. There would be cherry blossoms and a few chrysanthemums.

I skipped the party tonight because I am really tired.  Fell asleep when I got home from work and am about to go back to bed. I really want to go to the gym tomorrow morning. Depending on how I feel I will go to the tattoo convention in Philly or just drive the Mustang and the Pontiac.

2/13 I go back to the oncologist and hematologist. I think they will recommend a tissue sample. That is what The Infectious Disease doctor and the two hematologists recommended. I heard the site it is painful for a few days. I  feel good but I will find out. I did not feel bad last January when this all started.

I had 5 covid vaccinations and I had covid 5 times. This last variant a lot of people around me at work got covid but I did not. Maybe it was just luck but the hospital had a lot of covid hitting staff and people around me had covid but I did not get it. Maybe that is a good sign. I know people say covid was made up but I lost 3 people in my department.

I thought covid was the reason I had to stop walking 26 flights of steps each day. I was from very low red blood count. The good thing is my red blood count is now at the low level and  recovered considerably. At least this was August, 2023. They wanted to wait 6 months before the next evaluation. They said if I throw up after I eat or bleed when I brush my teeth get nose bleeds to call and they would get me in. I do E IM in the butt and last time I had to put my sweat pants in the washer because I kept bleeding after the injection.  I noticed it when I went to the bathroom.

It would not be me if I did not say this. I was with a guy 2 Fridays ago. He is 6'6" and his muscle had muscle. He is very dark and has a deep voice and with the well over 2000 guys I have been with he is by far the best. So I have his phone number and tomorrow I will text him. I was completely satisfied by him and he was spectacular. 

[Rachel]

I had my oncologist visit Thursday afternoon. I have LGLL. I will ask the doctor if the Philadelphia chromosome is causing the LGLL. He is repeating the clonality test to see if the LGL is replicating. The number if LGL cells remained the same relative number ( 28% to 25%) although my WBC went for 11000 to 14000.

My RBC is still low but the platelets are at 178 from 90. I have been taking a low dose HGH and I will tell the doctor when he calls. The HGH really helps.

The doctor discussed briefly a chimex if it became acute. There is a new chemo being developed that is in testing. In order to get on that list you need to be acute. There are not a lot of people that get this so the funding for treatments is not there.

I am not acute and I think I will be fine.

[Rachel]

My white blood cell study came back today. I ran the numbers and my killer T cells are high at 3700. The Oncologist called and recommended a bone marrow tissue biopsy. I will get that scheduled. 

When I was there on 2/13 he spoke about immune system suppression but that may cause infections and then had spoke about cart T cell therapy. I am insured for that therapy as of January 1, 2024.

[Rachel]

I have a bone marrow aspiration Friday. I feel really incredible. I think I will try to do steps again. My RBC count is low but if I create a routine O2 deficit maybe I will get my RBC count up. My platelets are low. I cut myself today cleaning out a gutter. I was able to put pressure on the cut and it stopped bleeding after a few minutes. It was not a deep cut.

I went to my PCP last week and had to do STD and blood tests for prep. When walking down the corridor after the blood test I felt something wet. I took off my winter jacket and my sweater sleeve was red with blood and there was blood going down the corridor. 

So, I was with four woman at several parties I guess a year ago. I think about that often. I never think of the thousands of guys I have been with. I joined a lesbian dating sight and have a match. We have been texting a lot. I have not felt this way in decades.

When I came out to my wife I talked about having a lesbian relationship. She wanted no parts of that. We divorced in 2015 and we still talk and go out to eat. I still love and care about her and her well being.

Anyhow, I never thought about exploring this side of myself post marriage. I wonder if I have been with so many guys searching for something that is not there.

When I was married I did not like sex.  I have had sex with women I guess a year or so ago and this is something I have thought about often. I like sex with guys I just do not have an emotional connection. I really tried. I really love the emotional connection with woman.

Sex was always an issue with me pre-op. Post op I love my body and I love sex. Sex is just one component. Having an emotional connection is probably as important or more then sex itself, for me as I am understanding myself better.

 

[LoriDee]

"Anyhow, I never thought about exploring this side of myself post marriage. I wonder if I have been with so many guys searching for something that is not there."

I found with my own journey that I now see reasons why I behaved the way I did, even as a kid. Things are making sense more and more each day.

Hugs!

[Rachel]

@LoriDee, I have one weekly guy I see and I am searching for a second. At least I will not be seeing so many different guys and I can build some sort of bond. I also want a girlfriend too. I really miss the emotional connection that a female can provide. I think I am evolving, maybe.
-----------------------------------------------------

I had a hematology diagnosis of TLG leukemia. It needed a pathology sample for conformation. Friday I had 2 bone marrow aspirations. The aspirations yielded low volumes of tissue. I will find out Friday or Monday the determination. Usually this disease grown slowly However, it went for 11 to 14 WBC count in 6 months. So this may not be slow. Nausea had become an issue. This is gene polymorphism gene 9 and 26. ALB1 from 9 attaches to gene 26 BCR and it makes a white blood cell that does not die.

There are less than 1000 diagnosis a year of t LGL in the USA. There is no agreement on treatment. Penn offers to take down the immune system a bit but that can lead to infections. The other option is CART T cell therapy (I have read a lot on this on T LGL leukemia and it is 40 to 60 percent effective at 5 years). I do not think the FDA has approved the treatment for t LGL. I will see about this when I review it with my oncologist.

[LoriDee]

Hopefully, they will find something that works for you. Sending you prayers and healthy vibes.

Hugs!

[Rachel]

@LoriDee, thank you.

So I stopped going to parties. I do not want to risk an infection. 

I was diagnosed with T-LGL leukemia I had a bone marrow aspiration ( they did 2) for conformations. Confirmed is T-LGL leukemia ( it is slow, incurable and there is low dose cemo to reduce spread if needed) . I had blast sells in the bone marrow and clumped white blood cells. Also clumped white blood cells were in my blood. No blast cells were in my blood. T-LGL leukemia does not make blast or clumped white blood cells. So there is second blood cancer. I will message the oncologist tomorrow morning at work. There were 7 reports over the week with the last report last night.

 I joined several support groups for T-LGLL and leukemia in general. 

------------------------------
Now for something completely different.

I was thinking, I have been with a lot of guys. There is something missing and it is not complete for me. I guess that is the reason I never accepted dates from guys. I had a lot of offers ( I have been with a lot of guys) but something is missing.

I never fantasized about being with a female. I had sex with 4 females pre-transition. Having sex with females was very scary. I had a micro penis and I was very self conscious. Plus I never wanted to be dominant, it felt wrong.

Post op I wanted to have sex with guys and I did a lot but an emotional connection was missing. It was just sex, which was nice but not complete. Post op I had sex with 3 females. They were in a dominant role. It was not just sex we talked and we communicated before and after. We became friendly within the context of our parties and community . It felt like I had real friends and we talked about a lot of things. I really missed those friendships when those parties ended.

So I went on a lesbian dating site and have been texting with Pam. She returns to the USA in May. Time will tell and we text frequently. Who knows what will happen, maybe more maybe less. 

I think I found the missing part I was searching for. It is friendship, communication and an emotional connection. Oddly enough I started thinking about being with a female as a female and I know it can work and well. It has taken me a while to experiment and learn about my sexuality and preferences.

Rachel Lynn

     

[LoriDee]

It sounds like you shuffled the puzzle pieces, kept trying, and finally figured out how they fit together. That is wonderful. It would be wonderful to find that special someone who can help you through the rough stuff. Good luck. I'm still praying for you.

Hugs!

[Northern Star Girl]

@Rachel
Dear Rachel:
I hope, trust and pray that your doctors find the right way to control and/or slow
down the Leukemia progress.
You did the correct thing by joining support groups for T-LGLL and leukemia.... other
peoples experiences with their own situation can be amazingly helpful.  Again, I am
wishing you well...  please keep your updates coming but only as you feel comfortable sharing.

Regarding your "something completely different:"
If you had been following my blog for the years that I have been posting them, I describe in
my "Hunted Prey" blog thread my dating experiences with several male and female suitors.
While some of my dates with men were friendships, the romantic part was seemingly missing.
I ended up with my female suitor #5, she is my Dental Hygienist at the local dental office...
... and she is known as my Tooth-Fairy.

Again, I am wishing your well with your medical issues and with your personal relationship
endeavors with females.

I will be looking for your future postings.
HUGS, Danielle 

@LoriDee, thank you.

So I stopped going to parties. I do not want to risk an infection. 

I was diagnosed with T-LGL leukemia I had a bone marrow aspiration ( they did 2) for conformations. Confirmed is T-LGL leukemia ( it is slow, incurable and there is low dose cemo to reduce spread if needed) . I had blast sells in the bone marrow and clumped white blood cells. Also clumped white blood cells were in my blood. No blast cells were in my blood. T-LGL leukemia does not make blast or clumped white blood cells. So there is second blood cancer. I will message the oncologist tomorrow morning at work. There were 7 reports over the week with the last report last night.

 I joined several support groups for T-LGLL and leukemia in general. 

------------------------------
Now for something completely different.

I was thinking, I have been with a lot of guys. There is something missing and it is not complete for me. I guess that is the reason I never accepted dates from guys. I had a lot of offers ( I have been with a lot of guys) but something is missing.

I never fantasized about being with a female. I had sex with 4 females pre-transition. Having sex with females was very scary. I had a micro penis and I was very self conscious. Plus I never wanted to be dominant, it felt wrong.

Post op I wanted to have sex with guys and I did a lot but an emotional connection was missing. It was just sex, which was nice but not complete. Post op I had sex with 3 females. They were in a dominant role. It was not just sex we talked and we communicated before and after. We became friendly within the context of our parties and community . It felt like I had real friends and we talked about a lot of things. I really missed those friendships when those parties ended.

So I went on a lesbian dating site and have been texting with Pam. She returns to the USA in May. Time will tell and we text frequently. Who knows what will happen, maybe more maybe less. 

I think I found the missing part I was searching for. It is friendship, communication and an emotional connection. Oddly enough I started thinking about being with a female as a female and I know it can work and well. It has taken me a while to experiment and learn about my sexuality and preferences.

Rachel Lynn   

[Rachel]

@Northern Star Girl @LoriDee thank you for your well wishes and prayers. Danielle, I read every line of your story's, very captivating.

I have T-LGL Leukemia. I have a diagnosis for that.

 I have the Philadelphia Chromosome and the T315I mutation. I have blast cells in my blood. I had a series of three blood tests June, July and Aug 2023 and pet scan and MRI in. Jan 2023 my white blood cells were 9000 in June-August my white blood cells were 11,000. Above 11,000 is the alarm number. February my white blood cells were 14000. I had 2 bone marrow aspirations. 9 reports later I have clones of the BCR-ALB-1 but not to the diagnosis level yet. So I see the doctor in August for blood tests and if I needed a treatment plan.

T-LGL first line is methotrexate chemo in pill form low dose. If I get diagnosed with MCL the T315I mutation makes the 1st and 2nd line TKI's ineffective. There are 2 third line chemo therapies. If I am put on that it may just be a matter of time the body becomes immune to them one at a time. The cart t cell is the last line of treatment.

I hack squat 350 pounds and do 100 pound landmines, et. al. ( I will go up tomorrow) and my low red blood cells really have a bad effect on breathing. Eating is a real issue and I have lost some weight. I eat very high calorie very low volume foods and liquids.

I am keeping away from parties and hookups as my immune system is not working correctly. I do not want an infections.
---------------------------------------------------------

Now for something completely different

Pam (not her real first name but she goes by Pam). Her real first name is a very pretty name. She wants a long term relationship that leads to marriage. I swore when I was divorced I would never remarry but now I am open to it. I am lonely at nights and weekends. I keep busy but I want someone to share my life with. She is totally fine with me being trans post op. She is a good bit younger than me but she is fine with that. Anyhow in May she comes back to the USA. She will visit and stay for a while maybe longer.

She does not smoke, do dope, drugs or drink. She has an occasional beer. I am straight edge and need to maintain my sobriety. My addictive personality transfers to drugs or anything else that is an escape. I need to remain present. She is a good influence.

I hope things work out. I am a bit nervous as she is young and very beautiful and I feel awkward in comparison. She is very religious in the religion I was raised. I walked away from my religion at age 18. It did not accept someone like me. I do not know how to accept the path I was given. I am willing to accompany her to church, something I swore I would never step into. I do not know how they will react to seeing me; in reality there is nothing they can say or do to hurt me.

Long, sorry,
Rachel Lynn 

[Rachel]

Pam is still in there. However now there is Rose (not her real name, she is from Texas and in NYC). I will be going on a date with her on the 26 through 28th. She really has my interest and I am totally infatuated with her. I never felt this with a guy.

So I think I figured out my sexuality. It took me a while I stopped going to parties a while ago and I absolutely do not miss it. I still have a lot of guys calling and texting me but I am not interested. When Rose and I communicate via text, video and phone I feel tingles, I smile and I have such a feeling of desire and my heart races. Life is so strange. She knows I am trans and have leukemias.

---------------------------

I have a T-LGLL diagnosis and and the oncologist is waiting for the Aug 13 blood test to see if the clonality increases for the PH+ leukemia. I have the T315I mutation so line 1 and 2 chemo will not work. Which leaves third line chemo. So I really hope the clonality goes down. I feel absolutely awesome and look forward to the gym tomorrow. 2023 and the first part of 2024 was bad health wise but I feel great now.

-----------------------------------
I finally have resolved some issues. I forgave myself for not transitioning much younger. Also I know it would have been a very different realty back then. I have resolved in my mind what occurred when I was young. Things will always hurt. Abuse, neglect and sexual abuse; I do not judge them and in my mind it is over. I need to focus on being the best person I can be and leave that baggage out of my life.   

God, I was so angry at God. I realize God was not to blame for the above. Why I am trans, mosaic, have TLGLL and PH+ and T315I mutation I do not know but I am over blaming.
----------------------
One thing that is really strange, When Penn was doing my bone marrow tissue and liquid genetic testing they found 3 allele's that, until now, was not in there genetic database. 

[LoriDee]

I am so happy for you and wish you the most happiness. You deserve it!

[Rachel]

@LoriDee , thank you.

=-----------------------
So Rose is back from Texas Tuesday and I am going to her place Friday. I am really excited. She is younger than me and from a small town in Texas. She is so loving and accepting. I will definitely post how things work out. I am hopeful it goes well.
------------------------

I stopped going to parties and events a while ago. I still get calls from guys and I tell them I am no longer available. I guess at some point the calls will stop. They have definitely slowed down.
----------------------------------

My platelets doubled and are in the low normal range. I think my red blood cells are better because it the gym I can recover from squats and landmines easier. So if the red blood cells are higher then maybe the white blood cells are not as high. I will find out in August but I think things are getting better. I am hopeful.

I will start back on steps tomorrow. I use to do 50 squats, 26 storied of steps and 50 pushups every morning. I will see how many flights I can do tomorrow.