MTF in need of help (3), a fresh start

[Lori Dee]

I was reading an article earlier and it made me think of your "discovery" of your relationships with men and women. I thought the article explained it really well so I understand. I am not saying this is you. It explained how varied the spectrum is between gender preference and sexual attraction.

If you want to check it out:

What, exactly, is a heteroromantic bisexual?

Hugs!

[Rachel]

@LoriDee, thank for the link to the article. It is definitely thought provoking. I can only be in a romantic relationship with a woman. Until I was at a party and three woman strapped me I, I just had sex with men. I remember the three females names and the experience which was incredible. The men do not do it for me. In reality that sex is a blur. There are specific things I really do not like and I never will. 

Rose is lesbian and I never had a relationship with a lesbian. I know it is a label. I wonder if there are other differences. I have been thinking about this for a while. Rose is romantic, loving and welcoming. She is very sexy and beautiful. She, I believe from what she wrote several time is religious. I have not asked about that. My 4 grandparents were 3 different religions. So I have a different perspective about organized religion. God on the other hand, I just recently do not blame for 3 really difficult things in my life to deal with.

Life is really interesting.   

[Oldandcreaky]

Fingers crossed that your docs can purge the leukemia.

And fingers crossed that Pam and you end up wherever you wish.

[Courtney G]

Wow, 50 pushups! I don't even think I can do 10 after 27 months of HRT, more like 5 or 6. But I find this affirming, not having to be strong.

[Rachel]

@Oldandcreaky, thank you to the good thoughts. T-LGL has no cure and there is no standard of care. Usually the chemo methotrexate is prescribed. I am PH+ (99.6% of those with CML and 30% of AML are PH+) with T315I gene mutation. So gen 1 and 2 chemo will not work. Gen 3 chemo will work but it is with pretty unpleasant side effects. I do not know if I can be compliant.

The Onco doctor wants to see in the PH+ clonality goes up or down Aug 13. It take about a month for the clonality labs to come in. Who knows, maybe the clonality will go down and the white cells count will be down.

@cortney G, I have not started the old step, squats and pushup routine. Part of me wants to but part of me does not want to know.

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Rose, Her name is Amanda (first) Rose (middle) name. Her Vietnamese first name is Binh which means peaceful.  She is really a beautiful person. I think of her all the time.

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I have been good and have been party free. The reality is that sex is just sex but sex with someone you love, respect and trust is a void filler. It is love. In order to love you need to let someone in. Which means you can get hurt.
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Now for something completely different.

I have 2 sleeves and and other tattoos. I had the outline done on my back and butt for a 9 tailed fox Japanese style tattoo. The outline was an experience in pain.

There were 4 females and 1 male getting tattooed yesterday. Females get more tattoos than males. 68% of LGBT are tattooed. There were 3 LGBT females getting tattoos yesterday. 2 of the 5 tattoo artists were female and were very heavily tattooed.
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So if I did not have 2 leukemia's I would not have gotten the GT500 and I would not have gotten 2 sleeves and a back butt tattoo. Life is short, have fun and U B U.

 

[Robbyv213]

I think I'd def want a nice leg thigh tattoo after I transition. I find those thigh tattoos sexy. I also love those hena style designs very feminine and sexy. I'd prob get a few of those hena style designs but in a real tattoo.

[Northern Star Girl]

@Rachel
Dear Rachel:
Your special day has arrived....  Happy Birthday on Friday, May 31st

I hope and trust that you are staying safe and staying healthy as you
can be considering some of your reported medical issues.

I am wishing YOU a very HAPPY BIRTHDAY
                                                       

Have a wonderful day of Birthday Celebrations on your "special day"

HUGS, and my best wishes,
Danielle [Northern Star Girl]
                           

[Lori Dee]

Happy Birthday, Rachel! 

[Robbyv213]

Happy birthday girl!

[Robbyv213]

@LoriDee I read the article it was very interesting. Made me wonder if I feel under that umbrella.

[Rachel]

@Robbyv213, leg tats are very cool. It most likely I will have my back and butt done in November.  Then I will do either thighs or start on the front.

@Robbyv213, @LoriDee, @Northern Star Girl thank you for the birthday wishes.

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So I am off PrEP as there is no need to take it since I will not be going to parties or events. I want to avoid getting a UTI.

My oncologist had a new medication pass FDA approval and is now concentration on the population that it treats. So my new Oncologist starts Penn the second week of August. When I received the notice I called and got an appointment for the third week of August. So I am just 1 week delayed from the appointment in August.

I feel really good with the exception of nausea. I recover wind wise from Landmine's and squats so much better than I did last summer. So I am hoping my RBC is getting higher. I still bleed a lot when cut so my platelets still are an issue but not as bad as last summer. All-in-all, I am very hopeful for good bloodwork in August.
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I got a septum piercing yesterday.
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I had my quarterly PCP visit at Mazzoni center. My T is 109 ng/dl which is good. I take a T cream. My E was 2936 ng/dl. My script was reduced 70%. They had my EV at 200 mg/ml 5 ml per vile then it came in 40 mg/ml 5 ml per vile. I did not change the injection ml by cutting it in half. It was my mistake. With my E reduced 70% I should be in the 880 ng/dl range. I am sure next time they will have me inject every 2 weeks same dose from every week.

I am thinking of asking for T injections so I can do that weekly and not forget and it will be a lot cheaper than the compounding pharmacy. I would do them sub Q. I wonder if I could do E sub Q in an area other than the tummy and preferably in the butt skin. I should message my provider.
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Now for something completely different.

There are people at work that are into grounding. I have a mat for work and I just got one for my bed.

There is a person at work that uses a chest freezer and a thermostat that can control the temp to 2 degrees F. He does cold plunge therapy every evening. I have been looking into it and I may give it a try.
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The 2011 GT500 SVT is  lot of fun. I did find a 2014 GT500 SVT I could afford  if I sold the 2011 but I think I will keep the 2011. The difference is 110 HP more in the 2014 but I have all 3 modes of driving in the 2011 while the 2014 is just the base. Plus both cars top out at 800 HP with a VMP 3R supercharger. I really have no need to more HP. So 2011 is hear to stay.

I have not mentioned anything about sex. So here goes, hopefully PC enough.

When I had GCS and the subsequent operations in 2016/17 I really did not use the clit. The whole glands was used. If I wanted an orgasm I have vaginal orgasms from the G spot. Fast forward about 6/7 years and my clit atrophied; it was tiny.

I have T cream and I have been using it. Not gel as the dose I need is small and the gel at 50 mg/tube is way too much to use even in small amounts. I was told to use a pea size and that is too much as evidenced with blood tests. Hence the compounded cream. I am thinking about weekly shots in the XX mg/week range sub Q.

So with T cream I have a much greatly increased sex drive. My clit has awakened ( the sleeper has awakened) and I have found I can have clit orgasms and more than one or two or three. It is not like a vaginal orgasm. Life have surprises

I was in the gym last Friday working out and there was a masc person working out. I was so attracted to that person it was not funny. I think it was the most attracted in all the people I have seen.

When we had group it was with transwoman. In community I was in transition and had a lot going on. Last Friday as I was doing weighted crunches, just minding my own business working out. Out of the corner of my view that person was working out. I was extremely attracted to them. I think if I see them again I will have not choice but to ask a few work out, diet and supplement questions. This Friday I was exhausted and did not go to the gym Friday night.

Now for the strange and unusual
I go to the gym early on the weekends. There is an Army Colonel I knew well who I think retired and he is at the gym. He was transferred to Wash. DC and I transitioned. I look totally different now as opposed to 2010. He does not recognize me.  I use to look like a Nordic cave man
   

 
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[Rachel]

Now for something completely different

So Monday I was going to work and the check engine light came on. Then a minute later the engine RPM started going up and the car speed going down. I pulled over. I checked everything out and I needed a quart of oil.

No one would deliver a quart of oil and it was tough to get a tow. I hit Geico and they had free towing for 10 miles. I got a tow to an Auto Zone. When the tow guy dropped off the car he said if you do not know how to put a quart of oil in your car ask them inside and they will help you. I thought wow, I 100% passed.

When I was waiting for the tow, the sun was rising and it was really beautiful. It was cool and low humidity. I passed 100%. I got to work. What an awesome day. I learned I did not have a spare quart of oil in that car. I now have oil, power steering and break oil in a box and I will be putting a gallon of 50/50 antifreeze in the box.

So as the tow truck was driving I had a thought pop into my mind. Would I? Yup, I would.

[Northern Star Girl]

Rachel:
I enjoyed reading your last posting.... 100% passing is very affirming for sure. 

I am glad that you are now prepared with fluids that you may need for your
vehicle if you have an unexpected breakdown on the road.

You stated:
"So as the tow truck was driving I had a thought pop into my mind. Would I? Yup, I would."

I was eagerly looking to read your chapter 2 of that event !!!!!

HUGS, Danielle [Northern Star Girl]

[Rachel]

@Northern Star Girl, thank for the reply and support.

Chapter II of the story, since my last bloodwork at Penn in February I have not been with anyone. I have an appointment at Penn August 26 with a new Oncologist. My old oncologist just had a treatment he was working on pass the FDA so he is working on those type of patients. It is am oral medication for cyclical cell.  My new doctors name is Dr. Mystery, you can not make this stuff up.

Last appointment my RBC was below the low mark, platelets were 178 which is double from the last test but I just finished my left sleeve the day before. So I do not know it that is good or not. My WBC went from 11,000 to 14,000. Then they had ne get the bone marrow aspirations.

I have been feeling good. I added in last week 23 flights of steps before work each work day. I lift heavy weights and my wind was improving until today. I had a rough gym session breathing and I did some errands today and I got winded easily. Maybe my RBC dropped. When I had a blood test at Mazzoni last week I blead a lot. I had a very high E level of 2900 so my NPc reduced my EV IM 70%, I was following the script. I was prescribed T injection because I do not want to just wing topical plus the topical smells like really cheap perfume. I was prescribed a weekly amount IM. I messaged back the NPc I  cut that prescribed dose in half. I think this Wednesday I will half the does to 1/4 the original and message my provider again. My T level should be in the lower female level; I will find out in September.
 

My hope is to avoid gen 3 chemo and do all the right things to improve my health. I get messages all the time from woman and guys and people wanting threesomes and one this week for a foursome and they were very kinky girls . I really want to focus on a female relationship and not males or multiple people.
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Now for something completely different

I really want to wear a bikini on the beach in August and have my midriff open in the gym. I have some oblique and tummy fat I am very subconscious about. It is not bad but too much for me to feel comfortable about. I see some really fit woman in the gym and I really want that look. So I have been using a fat freezing machine to reduce the fat cells. It is working and pretty well. My thoughts are if My oblique and tunny fat cells are greatly reduced then fat will need to go elsewhere such as butt and boobs.

[Rachel]

I have been working on my butt at the gym with squats and landmines. On off gym days I will be adding in kettle bell squats as of today. My butt is looking better and that gives me motivation.

I really love the Old Navy pants and tops for work, specially when there are sails and clearances.
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I had braces when I was young but there has been tooth movement. This week I started invisaliners. It is really just for the 5 lower front teeth but I have a lower and upper plan. My dental plan is pretty good so I am taking advantage of it.

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Something completely different

Since I had the two bone marrow aspirations in February I have not had sex with a guy. My concern is about getting a UTI.

I have been texting a researcher and I am hoping we can connect. She is a free spirit and BOHO as am I. She literally lives in a 5 minute walk from work. She likes the outdoors and hiking and sounds pretty chill. I am definitely chill and like the outdoors and hiking.   

[Sephirah]

Not gonna lie, Rachel, your pic immediately makes me think Michelle Pfeiffer. You look stunning. <3

[Rachel]

@Sephirah, thank you, I am very flattered. I guess Dr. Spiegel deserves kudos. Before FFS I looked like a cave man.

I look like my sister.

The night before FFS I was looking in the mirror. Something I did not do. I thought to myself are you sure you want to do this? ( I did this before every procedure as a time out). My reply was even if I do not look female I will at least not look like a cave man.

The night before FFS I was 8 weeks out for a BA and GCS and I think 3 months out for hair graphs 1st of 2 sessions.

When I took the bandages off in the extended stay I cried. I do not know why I cried. Ok I know why, I had so many staples and stitches it was not funny. There was a lot of dried blood and now there was this different face looking back at me. It was a lot to take in.

 I knew then that my life was going in a different direction. HRT, therapy and group was something that could be hidden, kind of. But now Everyone could see Rachel, comment about Rachel and it is permanent. I am happy it turned out well.

[Rachel]

The tattoo
So I got left and right sleeves and now I a working on my back and butt. My left arm, back and butt are Japanese. I have other tattoo's. This past Monday was my third 7 hour session on my back. Wow, that was a lot to handle. Surprising to me the obliques were the roughest part.

Evaluation
I had my evaluation and my supervisor said to me I am different. He then asked if anyone bothers me. I said no because of the 29,000 employees no one bothers me. I shared some stories about do researchers shared with me their Japanese sleeves. I was assuming he was thinking my sleeves or back tattoos or maybe my septum piercing but on second thoughts he may have been referencing that I am trans.

Sex
None since February. I have a flow cytology test August 22 and I do not want any chance of getting a UTI or a cold.

Health
I have a blood panel August 22 and a new Oncologist. I think my red blood cells are low as I experience being out of breath when I lift nd always cold. Which is the same all my life (maybe this is why mosquitos do not bite me). I always had low red blood cells. I bet my platelets will be about 150. The big question is where will my white blood cells be. If it is above 14,000 then that will not be good.

Teeth
Since I had braces when I was young my teeth moved so Invisalign at night was added to my routine.

Trans
So I know I am trans but it has been 12 plus years since I started HRT and 8 years since GCS. So that is well in the past. Dysphoria is long gone and somehow difficult to remember the pain it caused me. I travel the same roads I tried to end the pain and I can not believe I went to such extremes. Had I known I would have gotten help much sooner.

The future
SO I have three doors I could enter. Even if I go through one door it does not mean I do not go into another door at a later time.

Door 1
The white blood counts go down.  Do I keep my distance from people? I continue life with a new beginning or a pause to my future.

Door 2
White blood cells stay the same. Much the same as door 1.

Door 3
The White blood cells go up and perhaps considerable up. I guess I have choices on if I go on chemo or not. I guess I could be with people again. With my abstinence I really desire a relationship.

My future is not written and I have options and choices. I guess I am looking at my life very differently. 

[Rachel]

I had an appointment with my new oncologist Thursday. He said I make t-lgl, CLL and Cml Cells but they do not replicate by themselves. So I o not have cancer I just make these cells normally. He said they have one other person like me but they do not know why it occurs. So I do not have cancer as they do not replicate by themselves, I make them through my genetics. He also said I ha this all my life.

I always had low red blood cells and take iron but it does not help. I have low platelets and I never really noticed this in the past. I have high white blood cells and I guess that is normal. High WBC meaning 8 to 14 thousand. My WBC is not 100,000. So I guess I am good to go.

Thinking I had leukemia I got sleeves and I am getting my back and butt tattooed. Plus I have a small septum nose ring (very cute). Then there is the GT 500 SVT, which is so much fun to drive.
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My work evaluation

My boss said I am very different.  LOLOLOLOL
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I went off PrEP (Descovy) and have not had sex since February. I did not want to increase my WBC. Now that I know I do not have cancer the question is will I return to the lifestyle. I had this really nice guy I know well text me last night. He knows the issue I have. He wanted to know If I wanted to hook up. He is   really nice, long hair, 29 and very hot. I really nee to think about this.
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Tattoo
So I an having my back and butt tattooed. 3 sessions in and 3 more to go. The last session was so painful I need to use numbing cream. I got 6 tubes for my next back session.
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I wore a skirt to work last Thursday. I think I looked very good and other than a minor thought of, do I look ok, I was fine. I did get a few compliments.
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So I was at the gym this morning. I at one point did two exercises next to this guy I knew very well before I transitioned. He was transferred to Washington DC and I guess he is retired from the military now. Anyhow, he did not recognize me. I look nothing like I use to look before transition and I think it is really cool that I look so different. I love being me and I have been very lucky on estrogen and FFS.
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Hair, I use hair color to just very minorly darken my hair. I have not been using the hair color an my hair is natural. My hair is white/very light blond. I think I will never color my hair again unless it it purple streaks.
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So I started my whole health issue from blood tests January 2023. I was doing bloodwork for a face lift. 1 year 8 month sidetrack plus thinking I will die from leukemia. So I have a new life and I want to be thoughtful on what I do. I would not have gotten the GT500 or two sleeves had I had normal blood ( I have abnormal or not typical blood and genes). I love the sleeves, nose ring and GT500. So there are some positives from the ordeal. I learned what others that have leukemia go through and I am happy I do not have it. I have a new life, again.
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Can I find a doctor close to me to do a lower face lift???   
 

[davina61]

Good news then dear, do you really need another op? You seem to pass fine, as you said someone from your past not recognising you>