Allie's Blog IV: Revenge of Allie's Blog

[imallie]

Allie, I just want everyone to love you. I don't think I'm wanting too much. So, I was nervous before you told your son and dang it, I'm nervous again. I expect most will love you and those who don't must live with the shame of being poopy.

I agree, I don't think it's wanting too much. Honestly, other than my modesty, I think my lovableness is my best quality. 

In all seriousness thank you for the kind words and well wishes -- and I know this is much easier said than done -- what I think I expressed in the letter, and what I discussed with both my therapist and Sara today, was the idea of being open. Letting people know, "this is who I am -- I'm really the same person you've always known... just different packaging a lot happier"... and also that the bus is big and there's lots of room on it.

Whether they decide to get onboard or not, I can't control. So I'm simply not going to worry about it. I know people are going to surprise me, for the good and the bad. I hope it's more the former than the latter, but if not? Well, that's life in the aluminum siding business.

I did not get to share all this with my wife tonight, unfortunately. She just completed a gigantic work project... or so she thought, and now it's spun off into something potentially bigger. It's basically her fault for being indispensable, but she was nearly in tears at the end of the day.

So when she started to ask about my day and my appointments, I just said "Nothing that happened today will not keep until the weekend, I promise."

Love,
Allie 

[imallie]

I like the idea of the letter. It gives them time to process and figure out what questions they might want to ask. Sounds like things are going well. I wish you all the best!

Hugs!

Yeah that's the general idea Lori... in theory, anyway. I brought up doing it on a limited basis and my therapist was so taken with the idea she said it should be how I do everything. And I said "Sold!"  I do want to discuss it with my wife, though, and get her take.

As I mentioned above to O&C, however, we probably won't have that talk for a few days.

[imallie]

Could not agree more.

Allie,
My experience when I told people about me transitioning no one had a questions. And all I told them was that I was transgender and to use my new name "Ellen". Nothing eles.

Ellen

Thanks Ellen, did you take the lack of questions as a positive in all cases?

In some ways, I feel like those who engage with questions would make me feel better on some level. But, you know, this is just based on the discussion with my wife and son, where they both asked really good questions which immediately signaled that they understood, cared and were engaged.

But I imagine this is very much a case-by-case basis based on personality, type of pre-existing relationship, etc, etc. Yes?

[LoriDee]

I agree that questions signal interest, or at least an attempt to understand.

[imallie]

I agree that questions signal interest, or at least an attempt to understand.

Has that been your experience, Lori?

[LoriDee]

Yes. Not everyone who is accepting asks questions. My best friend just shrugged and said, "That is your path." My dad was very resistant but he asked questions and it was clear that he was trying to understand. He has become more accepting. My uncle accepted it outright and asked a few questions but said he didn't want to pry into my private life. My brother was the least accepting. Lots of shouting and no questions.

I think this pattern reveals how open their minds are. If they have an open mind, they may make more of an effort to understand. That makes it easier for them to accept. Those with a closed mind do not ask because they do not want to hear your "excuses" and certainly are not interested in being convinced of anything. They shut the door. Maybe later as they learn or have other experiences, they may come around, but I have not seen that happen.

I hope all goes well for you.

Hugs!

[EllenW]

Thanks Ellen, did you take the lack of questions as a positive in all cases?

In some ways, I feel like those who engage with questions would make me feel better on some level. But, you know, this is just based on the discussion with my wife and son, where they both asked really good questions which immediately signaled that they understood, cared and were engaged.

But I imagine this is very much a case-by-case basis based on personality, type of pre-existing relationship, etc, etc. Yes?

Allie,

I am choosing to take their lack of questions as either positive or at the least neutral. I have had only two people ask any questions, a neighbor friend and my one nephew. Everyone else have just said that they want me to be happy, so they do not care why. I have not experienced any negative comments or actions.

Ellen

[imallie]

Allie,

I am choosing to take their lack of questions as either positive or at the least neutral. I have had only two people ask any questions, a neighbor friend and my one nephew. Everyone else have just said that they want me to be happy, so they do not care why. I have not experienced any negative comments or actions.

Ellen

That's so lovely Ellen. I'm incredibly happy for you. Hope I'm 1/2 as lucky!

[imallie]

My wife and I had a good night in terms of getting caught up on things and moving things forward...

I gave her the full update on my endo appointment, as well my chat with my therapist.

I also finally gave her my letter to read.

She really liked it. She had one (excellent) note, pulling out one phrase that was clearly left over from the "... and the horse you rode in on!" draft, so that's an easy fix.  And she was fully on board with my therapist's idea of using the letter (or a version there of) as the entry point for telling everyone going forward.

So the plan is for me to try to corral my sisters for a lunch on the 20th or 21st. I really hope that can work because the following week we are out of town. If not, we could do May 4th, but then the next weekend is Mother's Day... so we'd be bleeding time.

In addition, we had a discussion about the "hair lady" I'd been chatting with. And we booked an appointment for a free trans consultation and (potential) same day service - so it's a two-hour window. On May 18th.

So that gives us a date to shoot for. By that date we'd really like to have told the majority of important people in our lives, meaning at least immediately family and very close friends.

Definitely what I call a productive evening.

[LoriDee]

That is all good news, Allie!

My first consult with my hair stylist did something similar. No one else in the salon which gave us time to make some small talk and get to know each other. Then we spent about an hour going through catalogs looking at various styles and using her color swatches to figure out the colors I liked. She placed the order for me and about a week later they arrived and I went back to try them on. Then we spent another half-hour or so trimming bangs and getting everything to blend correctly.

I think you will have fun!

[imallie]

That is all good news, Allie!

My first consult with my hair stylist did something similar. No one else in the salon which gave us time to make some small talk and get to know each other. Then we spent about an hour going through catalogs looking at various styles and using her color swatches to figure out the colors I liked. She placed the order for me and about a week later they arrived and I went back to try them on. Then we spent another half-hour or so trimming bangs and getting everything to blend correctly.

I think you will have fun!

Sounds like a wonderful experience, Lori!

I've already had a few back and forth emails with the salon owner (including sending photos) and she feels like a topper will be the solution that will work best for me. There are obviously a few questions/concerns my wife and I have about the whole thing, but that's what's nice about us going and having a two-hour slot in which to discuss and try things and sort it all out.

Very much looking forward to it!

[Oldandcreaky]

Allie, you've likely seen movies, often Westerns or war movies, where a woman cross-dresses to present as male. She might affix some facial hair to her face, but they always make unconvincing males by dint of their skin.

When I started to lose the ability to present as a convincing male, it was because my skin had changed. I'm wondering about yours. You mentioned the other day that your recent 15-pound weight gain had reappeared in different places and that weight loss was becoming more challenging, likely due to an estrogen-prompted metabolic change. However, the skin is greatly overlooked as a gender indicator.

I'm a flat-chested female, but that doesn't matter in indicating my gender because lots of women are flat-chested. Skin, being the largest organ, is literally big, big, big in signaling gender.

In other words: Breasts, schmests. It's skin and you're in.

Congrats on the letter and hair progress!

[LoriDee]

I prefer toppers. I think I told you I had removed the front clips (no hair to grab there) and use wig tape to hold it down in front. The brand I use is Walker Tape Co., recommended by a gentleman from the UK to hold his toupee. It holds well all day and comes off with no residue. Use rubbing alcohol to loosen.

[imallie]

Allie, you've likely seen movies, often Westerns or war movies, where a woman cross-dresses to present as male. She might affix some facial hair to her face, but they always make unconvincing males by dint of their skin.

When I started to lose the ability to present as a convincing male, it was because my skin had changed. I'm wondering about yours. You mentioned the other day that your recent 15-pound weight gain had reappeared in different places and that weight loss was becoming more challenging, likely due to an estrogen-prompted metabolic change. However, the skin is greatly overlooked as a gender indicator.

I'm a flat-chested female, but that doesn't matter in indicating my gender because lots of women are flat-chested. Skin, being the largest organ, is literally big, big, big in signaling gender.

In other words: Breasts, schmests. It's skin and you're in.

Congrats on the letter and hair progress!

Funny you mention that...

Well first of all, yes, I've noticed my skin getting thinner for sure. And with the 15 lbs, my wife said last night she's noticed a bit of it coming back and my face getting a bit rounder (not fatter, mind you).

Plus, my electrologist has had me moisturizing my face on a daily basis to combat the weekly work we do, so no question I feel like my skin feels/looks different/better than it has before.

How much? That's really not for me to say you know. But noticeable at least to the way it feels to me at this point.

[imallie]

I prefer toppers. I think I told you I had removed the front clips (no hair to grab there) and use wig tape to hold it down in front. The brand I use is Walker Tape Co., recommended by a gentleman from the UK to hold his toupee. It holds well all day and comes off with no residue. Use rubbing alcohol to loosen.

My situation is the same. Nothing in the front, so she said it'll be some form of tape or glue or staples or thumb tacks (ok, I added the last two) to accomplish it.  So I will file away your post as very helpful advice when the time comes, thanks!

Question for you, re: toppers -

Since it's just a "topper" - does the topper match the rest of your bio hair, or is your bio hair dyed to match the topper... or are they blended together? How does that work exactly?

The reason I asked is that my hair is gray. And the hair lady said that gray wig/topper hair is mostly artificial and really not very good, but for higher quality human hair products you need hair with pigment... so it would make sense to go with a light color of some sort.

I could probably get on board with that if it were not to jarring and extreme. But does that mean dying my existing hair, or is it integrated into it? I'm sure we'll get all these answers when we get there, but I've tried searching all this stuff and you really don't get satisfactory answers.

When the internet doesn't want a piece of a particular topic, you know it's really aimed at a limited audience. 😂

[LoriDee]

The hair is dyed to match the topper. What helped me is I found a color that is dangerously close to my own, so the color change was not dramatic. Depending on your skin color, you could go with a gray-blonde mix. I tried a wig that was close to my old natural color (dark brown) and didn't like it. Going lighter makes me look younger even though I still show some "silver". By holding the color swatches up next to your face (in good lighting), you can get an idea of how it will look. Since she sells wigs at her salon, she had a few that I could try. None were the exact color, but it gave me a chance to compare dark vs light, blonde vs gray, red vs brown, etc.

Take your time. She can advise on color and cut. Make sure she understands the look you are going for. Then have fun! I'll be anxious to learn how it went.

Hugs!

[imallie]

The hair is dyed to match the topper. What helped me is I found a color that is dangerously close to my own, so the color change was not dramatic. Depending on your skin color, you could go with a gray-blonde mix. I tried a wig that was close to my old natural color (dark brown) and didn't like it. Going lighter makes me look younger even though I still show some "silver". By holding the color swatches up next to your face (in good lighting), you can get an idea of how it will look. Since she sells wigs at her salon, she had a few that I could try. None were the exact color, but it gave me a chance to compare dark vs light, blonde vs gray, red vs brown, etc.

Take your time. She can advise on color and cut. Make sure she understands the look you are going for. Then have fun! I'll be anxious to learn how it went.

Hugs!

This is what my wife and I assumed. So in anticipation of the visit I'm probably going to try to see if we can see if we can find a color that works for us. I know this is going to be one of the really jarring things for her... and since the color really doesn't matter that much to me — the existence of hair is much more important — I'm really keen on picking something she likes.

—-

Funny story related to her being comfortable with things, from lunch today:

We were having our weekly Saturday Pho lunch. About a month ago I finally took off the training wheels and went full spoon and chopsticks, no more fork (I use chopsticks for sushi all the time — but soup is another level), and this week she did the same.

She said "I'm nothing if I'm not flexible!" And I agreed. I said "Yeah, it's been a big year for you... chopsticks with your Pho, you're drinking green tea now, I've got you to eat potatoes (she is Irish but has HATED potatoes her whole life... now I have found a few limited preparations she kinda likes)... so yeah, you've really accepted a lot of changes."

Big pause.

"Um... among other things, I guess."

And we both laughed.

—————-

Oh and lastly, on our way home from lunch, as we were walking into the house, she said something that only in this context is a compliment:

"Oh hey, you know what? I do think you butt looks bigger! I need to see it naked to confirm but I'm pretty sure."

🤞🍑👍😉😂

[imallie]

Cats, herded. 😉

Got all three of my sisters on board for lunch next Saturday... so, here...we...go!

Still some logistical issues - one of them said "we" are available (meaning her and my brother-in-law), and I can't exactly uninvite spouses... so as my wife said, that part should sort itself out.

[Oldandcreaky]

A bigger can, huh? One thing I enjoy about hips is they're a handy shelf to help me carry things.

Good news about your sister Tete a Tete.

[imallie]

A bigger can, huh? One thing I enjoy about hips is they're a handy shelf to help me carry things.

Good news about your sister Tete a Tete.

Yeah, telling my sisters will really get the ball rolling. I mean, I would be shocked if by the end of May everyone doesn't know. Things should go real FAST from here.

"bigger" being a relative term. Weird thing is, even at 400 lbs, I never carried any weight in my butt. I had a friend who referred to another friend as a FBA (flat basket a*s) and I very much resembled that phrase.

So this definitely is a new sensation. At dinner tonight my wife gave me this look, and I said "What?" and she said "you're doing some sort of fanny dance."    And I realized it was because it sort of feels like I'm sitting on a little pillow and I was shifting around.

I just think the 20 lbs lost and regained (assuming that I can lose them again) may not have been the worst thing.

Oh - just this evening, speaking of not great things, though - I got my labs back. My Estrogen levels went from 99 down to 66... which is a bit perplexing. I assume it's not anything to worry about. My testosterone is still extremely low, so this could have been different day of the week, etc... and it'll probably lead to an uptick in patch strength. So there are positives. Just odd.