Allie's Blog IV: Revenge of Allie's Blog

[D'Amalie]

I like my bubble. 
My bubble protects me.
I'm so grateful to live where I can live in my bubble 

[REM.1126]

I am sure that I am no judge of what "most people" think, but I think people notice, and sometimes (not most of the time) they care, but even if they do they probably won't mention it, because most people have the ability to edit themselves and refrain from being rude.  And. Most people know that most of those things they notice don't matter in the context of the friendship, so why mention them unless you are voicing approval?  Why insult a friend over something that doesn't matter? 

But, maybe most people actually are so self absorbed that they don't notice much.

[imallie]

Most people are very MUCH self-absorbed, Rachel. Plus, they see a) what they want to see, and b) what they EXPECT to see. It's only once you shatter the wall of expectation does actual "sight" come into play.  It's why the brain can read whole sentences where the words are scrambled except for the first and last letters, or vowels are removed... etc. Our brains seek out the patterns and familiar objects they expect to find.

End of New Age-y prattle. 😂

As for today's meeting... my old boss is VERY high on the self-absorption scale. Very nice guy, but one of the tricks I used to employ to either a) get him to to focus on a pressing item I needed resolved before briefing the press or b) get him OFF some tangential see-saw he'd boarded and focus on anything else... is I'd always know just what personal questions to ask him to get him talking about himself.

And that's usually what our breakfasts are all about. I'm just well-practiced at keeping a steady flow of conversation going between us, although it's largely focused on him. It's a weird dynamic, I admit. But I sense he doesn't have a lot of friends ... and it's an hour of time once a month, so I have no issue with it.

He IS however, someone who comments on appearance. To a fault. He once commented on the haircut of a female subordinate ... and she complained to HR and our entire department spent two full days in sensitivity training. "Nice haircut" was what he said, I believe. She was kind of nuts.

But anyway, when I sat down, I briefly noticed his eye going wide which I 100% took as him consciously or unconsciously bumping on the glasses... but it was fleeting, and within seconds I'd asked the first question about him and we were off to the races.

So perhaps he wasn't the great test I thought he would be. 😉

[REM.1126]

He noticed.  He just didn't care (at least not enough to comment).  And, your friendship means much more to him than the glasses. 

[imallie]

Yeah, my point is he noticed something was askew ... but then his brain puts the pieces back together again. Otherwise he couldn't help but keep staring or, knowing, him, at least say 'new glasses?"

There's no risk to friendship in saying "are those new glasses?"...  but in absolutely no way think it dawned on him in the slightest that I'm transitioning. That's what I meant.

It would take so many clues until someone was able to "see" things... and then it was all make sense as they rewrote a new truth.

[davina61]

Unlike my old manager, I see you shaved your arms! Still he was fine when I told him.

[imallie]

Unlike my old manager, I see you shaved your arms! Still he was fine when I told him.

That's lovely that he was cool with it! It's not surprising he noticed though, as that's a reality-breaker!

Although in my old world (athletics) it really isn't. Swimmers do it all the time. So do body builders.

One of our athletic trainers one day was suddenly shaved head to toe, as he was doing a fitness competition - and I used to joke that he looked like a beached seal. 😂 (to his face, and with love - we were friends. It was not a Mean Girls: Athletics Edition kinda thing!)

[TXSara]

Most people are very MUCH self-absorbed, Rachel. Plus, they see a) what they want to see, and b) what they EXPECT to see. It's only once you shatter the wall of expectation does actual "sight" come into play.  It's why the brain can read whole sentences where the words are scrambled except for the first and last letters, or vowels are removed... etc. Our brains seek out the patterns and familiar objects they expect to find.

I agree with this, but I would also add that context has a LOT to do with whether you get "clocked".  I remember that during my last 3-4 months before my FFS and subsequent social transition, I would go out in "girl mode" without ever feeling like I was a spectacle.  When I look at pictures of myself at that time, I know that I did not stand up to close scrutiny AT ALL.  Still, nobody seemed to notice or care.

Until...

On Halloween night, I went out with my friend Michelle to her favorite club in Plano.  That night I felt EVERY EYE in the place.  They totally knew and were staring.  Because it was Halloween, the context was completely different.  The idea of a male dressed as a female was not the low probability occurrence that it would have been on another night.  I had a horrible time.  I'll never forget that.

I do believe that your friend noticed something was different, Allie.  I doubt that he put all the pieces together, but he'll remember this on the day that he finally finds out.

~Sara

[Oldandcreaky]

I had a cousin recall an incongruous moment with me more than 50 years later at a funeral.

She was about ten years older than me and made puppets. She had a box that held her puppetmaking parts and when she opened it, I saw many rhinestones, which I already collected as a kid.

She said, "Your eyes went wide when you saw my rhinestones and I let you pick one. Do you remember that?"

"Of course," I replied.

"And I thought to myself, 'This is a special boy.'"

My point is that some do notice incongruity, but might not declare it. It was such a small moment, but the mismatch mattered enough to her to remember it for more than 50 years. And I remembered it because I got to choose and keep a rhinestone, which went into my cigar box (boy cover) with my other rhinestones and doilies (girl core).

[imallie]

I agree with this, but I would also add that context has a LOT to do with whether you get "clocked".  I remember that during my last 3-4 months before my FFS and subsequent social transition, I would go out in "girl mode" without ever feeling like I was a spectacle.  When I look at pictures of myself at that time, I know that I did not stand up to close scrutiny AT ALL.  Still, nobody seemed to notice or care.

Until...

On Halloween night, I went out with my friend Michelle to her favorite club in Plano.  That night I felt EVERY EYE in the place.  They totally knew and were staring.  Because it was Halloween, the context was completely different.  The idea of a male dressed as a female was not the low probability occurrence that it would have been on another night.  I had a horrible time.  I'll never forget that.

I do believe that your friend noticed something was different, Allie.  I doubt that he put all the pieces together, but he'll remember this on the day that he finally finds out.

~Sara

Your story is exactly what I'm talking about Sara, makes total sense.

And, again, when I talk about "putting the pieces together" that's exactly it. Once I come out, he'll retroactively put the pieces together, including this.

I was telling someone the other day about what it's like to have a parent with dementia.

Because it's a progressive disease, and because those suffering from it at the start get a lot of time and practice covering it up, even people close to them don't notice anything. But once that veil is pierced... you suddenly retroactively go back and rewrite the story using past memories that all now realign with the new information.

It's pretty similar, I think.

[imallie]

I had a cousin recall an incongruous moment with me more than 50 years later at a funeral.

She was about ten years older than me and made puppets. She had a box that held her puppetmaking parts and when she opened it, I saw many rhinestones, which I already collected as a kid.

She said, "Your eyes went wide when you saw my rhinestones and I let you pick one. Do you remember that?"

"Of course," I replied.

"And I thought to myself, 'This is a special boy.'"

My point is that some do notice incongruity, but might not declare it. It was such a small moment, but the mismatch mattered enough to her to remember it for more than 50 years. And I remembered it because I got to choose and keep a rhinestone, which went into my cigar box (boy cover) with my other rhinestones and doilies (girl core).

Yup, we're talking about the same thing, O&C. All I'm saying is that those people notice a fragment... and because there's no narrative in which to integrate it, it's like an outlier on a data graph. People plot the graph of the narrative and because this one piece of data doesn't follow the nice line they've plotted, although they know it's valid data, they dismiss it.

Only later when there's a new line which bisects it, do they integrate it.

I wonder if you had never come out, would your cousin had ever thought about that old memory... or did the new narrative of your life allow her to look back for formerly "incongruent" story fragments and now see how they actually fit.

[imallie]

By the way, weird how memories work. Just bringing up plotting things on a graph makes me of mind of an old math teacher of mine. Quirky guy, but an excellent teacher. Always found interesting ways to get lessons across.

For example, the calculation for determining the length of the longest side of right triangle, its c = the square root of a2 + b2. Most of us remember that. But the way he taught us to remember what that was called, was he said to imagine you were in an airplane, and the bathroom was occupied.

I mean, that's literally what I think about anytime I see a right triangle anywhere in the world.

😂

[Oldandcreaky]

I wonder if you had never come out, would your cousin had ever thought about that old memory... or did the new narrative of your life allow her to look back for formerly "incongruent" story fragments and now see how they actually fit.

She pinged me as different, like a sonar bouncing off an object in the water, but the person looking at the sonar screen being unsure of what's out there. Something, but what?

ut once that veil is pierced... you suddenly retroactively go back and rewrite the story using past memories that all now realign with the new information.

You have a beautiful mind, Allie. So many people live decades and never once write a sentence as clear and illuminating as the one above.

[imallie]

She pinged me as different, like a sonar bouncing off an object in the water, but the person looking at the sonar screen being unsure of what's out there. Something, but what?

That's a perfect way to describe it.

[REM.1126]

Well, I didn't mean to imply that I thought he would immediately assume you were trans just because you were wearing what looked like women's eyeglasses.  I meant he would notice that the glasses looked like something a woman would wear. 

I have a business who got himself some reading glasses that look like something a woman would wear and a neck chain that also looks feminine.  I am trans and I didn't make that leap to assume he is too based on just that.  I took it that he either has peculiar taste, or he borrowed his wife's readers.  He's been wearing them now for a couple of years, so they are his.  I chalk it up as eccentric.

As someone pointed out, Larry David pretty much did the same, and it wasn't because he is trans.

[imallie]

As someone pointed out, Larry David pretty much did the same, and it wasn't because he is trans.

There's absolutely no way those Larry David glasses are not part of a trans joke/storyline in one episode. It won't be something brutal or offensive... but it'll 100% be referenced. Or at least I'd be shocked if it weren't.  Can't wait for the new season.

[imallie]

Typing this with a newly naked ring finger on my left hand... for the first time in more 31 years.

I NEVER take my wedding band off, but since it's been increasingly falling off... sometimes under tables in restaurants, once on the beach, etc... and my wife has continually been correctly saying that I need to get it resized before I lose it, I took the leap.

I went to a small local jewelry shop in town. The owner, Henri, was a warm, career jeweler who very obviously loved engaging with his customers as much as he loved his chosen profession. I spoke to him for about 15 minutes. If I didn't pull myself away I would have spent all day there.

He asked if this was really my ring. My ring was a size 10... and he's resizing it to a 7 1/2.

He said it'll be done in a few hours, but since I'm unable to drive at that point, I'll likely have to be ring-less until tomorrow morning.

It really is an odd sensation!

[Oldandcreaky]

He asked if this was really my ring. My ring was a size 10... and he's resizing it to a 7 1/2.

That's stunning weight loss. I'm so proud of you.

[imallie]

That's stunning weight loss. I'm so proud of you.

Thanks. As a non-wearer of rings (other than this one) I have no concept of ring sizes. So when he told me that I think he meant it as some shocking reveal... and I tried really hard to play along. "Oh... uh... wow!" 😂.

I'm not waiting for a call from Emmy, Oscar, Tony, BAFTA, or Golden Globes people any time soon to reward me for that particular performance.  I do feel like there's a glimmer of hope for a People's Choice award, but then they give those to ANYBODY.

[imallie]

By the way, since I still had like 30 minutes of energy left in the tank as I was making my lunch, I'd had a bee in this particular bonnet for weeks, and finally decided to try to make this cheesecake with cottage cheese idea that's been bouncing around in my head.

I don't think I've made a regular cheesecake in 10 years ... so I literally was basing this recipe off of ... nothing. I just had this idea, through a bunch of things together (and added a graham cracker crust because, sure, calories, but also, life needs to be worth living)... and its now in the oven.

Was going to make a mixed berry compote to top it, but I very much need to see if the result is beautiful princess, ugly beast, or some weird amalgamation of the two.

Saying it "looks" like a cheesecake is an incredibly low bar to cross, but at least it has crossed it, thus far...

FYI, if there are any cheesecake mavens out there, and they want to lay odds on the success or failure, here's what I did:

2 c of low-fat cottage cheese
1 c fat-free plain greek yogurt
1 pkg jello cheesecake mix
1 scoop Vanilla Creme Whey protein powder
2 large eggs
2 fingers crossed 😉