Allie's Blog IV: Revenge of Allie's Blog

[D'Amalie]

I think that's true in theory, but you're being too clever by half. If you just took two equal measurements of water - froze one and left one as liquid, they should remain the same weight.

That would proves what I meant, but not what I said - because really the discussion was comparing the same amounts of ice and water already in those states. And in that case the ice, being less dense (proven by the fact that it floats in the water) weighs less.

If you let the ice melt, you'd clearly have less water than the water against which you were measuring it.

If its the same amount of water, just frozen or not, the displacement makes it float as ice.  Same mass, yet displacing differing amounts of what ever the surrounding medium is. I hope we're meant tio take this science project litterally?  If not I've put my foot in it 

[imallie]

Turning my attention away from ice... and everything else I've tried to distract myself wiht the last few days, I can definitely tell there's nothing left in my arm and it's time to make a call to the bullpen for some relief... i.e., a session with my therapist.

I feel good. Health is fine Oh, I gained 5-10 lbs over the holidays and with the thumb thing, lost a few and then this latest hormone boost seems to have come with an accompanying zombie-like craving for EVERYTHING... but I know I have the tools to get that under control.

Me and the wife are great. Better than ever, to be honest.

Yeah, I do have that anticipation/worry/impatience about telling our son... but that's been going on for months, so it's not that.

But what has been creeping back is the ... guilt. The people-pleasing, guilt. The phrase that begins every thought is "wouldn't it be easier..."

It's never "do you really want to fully transition?" "Do you really want people to know the real you?" It's none of those things. It's just this vague, wouldn't it be easier.  For everyone, I guess.

My nature is, and always has been to please. My jobs have never been anything other than public facing. Writing for a paper, broadcasting, producing broadcasts, sporting event management, etc... all about pleasing people.

So I keep thinking about little moments. Like a friend whose son just got engaged. They're going to get married next year. So I come out to them in the next few months, and now my situation becomes something they have to think about when it comes to their wedding. Are they uncomfortable? Do they say something don't say something, etc..

I think about our own son's wedding (he has to get a girlfriend first, but... you know)... that makes that whole event more complicated.

All things like that. I mean, TINY moments in a life. I know I spend way more time thinking about other people in my life than they spend thinking about me... I know it's always been that way. I called a friend last week, and was shocked he never called back. Texted him yesterday and he still hasn't replied. I'm sure he will in a day or so... he's really bad with this stuff.  But we've been dear friends for 40 years and I would NEVER do this to him. It's inconceivable.

I think the hormones, and being able to be myself with my wife have me feeling the most centered I ever have. This place, by the way, is a tremendous help too.  Less so since I came out to my wife (no offense!) but still a really important piece of all this to me. I think I realized that more when it was gone for a few days (or years, depending on how you view what happened).

And so I think, because I'm grounded... I have the luxury to think NOT about big things, and focus my concerns on this little moments. I don't know. I am not a perpetual worrier. It isn't that. I guess I'm really not sure how to explain it. In this regard I do feel back on my heels a bit. I hate ascribing everything to hormones.  But I really don't know.

And thus, the call to the bullpen.

Electrolysis tomorrow... and my wife is home on Friday (so that's a tougher time to do a zoom session, I prefer to do a "home alone" thing), so I may either try for Thursday, or more likely touch base tomorrow and set something up for early next week, to try to get my thoughts together a bit.

Appreciate any who read this far. Know what it feels like, can only imagine what it READS like.

Love,
Allie

[D'Amalie]

Don't fret Imallie.  Everything's shiny.

[TXSara]

But what has been creeping back is the ... guilt. The people-pleasing, guilt. The phrase that begins every thought is "wouldn't it be easier..."

It's never "do you really want to fully transition?" "Do you really want people to know the real you?" It's none of those things. It's just this vague, wouldn't it be easier.  For everyone, I guess.

My nature is, and always has been to please. My jobs have never been anything other than public facing. Writing for a paper, broadcasting, producing broadcasts, sporting event management, etc... all about pleasing people.

So I keep thinking about little moments. Like a friend whose son just got engaged. They're going to get married next year. So I come out to them in the next few months, and now my situation becomes something they have to think about when it comes to their wedding. Are they uncomfortable? Do they say something don't say something, etc..

I think about our own son's wedding (he has to get a girlfriend first, but... you know)... that makes that whole event more complicated.

All things like that. I mean, TINY moments in a life. I know I spend way more time thinking about other people in my life than they spend thinking about me... I know it's always been that way.

We're cut from the same cloth, Allie.  The worry and guilt took a toll on me as well as I was beginning to tell people about my transition.  It was really hard thinking about how I might be ruining Thanksgiving or how I might be causing my friends to work around inviting me to things.  I hated it.  In the end, it all worked out.  Of course, I still feel guilty about how things worked out with my ex-wife, but outside of that (very important) relationship I have been pleasantly surprised.

I don't know your friends, but I know you.  I know that you invest in your relationships.  I know that you would be the type of person to choose good people to be around.  It's going to be fine.

~Sara

[imallie]

We're cut from the same cloth, Allie.  The worry and guilt took a toll on me as well as I was beginning to tell people about my transition.  It was really hard thinking about how I might be ruining Thanksgiving or how I might be causing my friends to work around inviting me to things.  I hated it.  In the end, it all worked out.  Of course, I still feel guilty about how things worked out with my ex-wife, but outside of that (very important) relationship I have been pleasantly surprised.

I don't know your friends, but I know you.  I know that you invest in your relationships.  I know that you would be the type of person to choose good people to be around.  It's going to be fine.

~Sara

Yes, thank you so much Sara.

Holidays, that's another thing. My young great nephews and nieces... will my nephews and nieces have issues with me being around their kids... you get the drill.  I HATE the idea of making anyone's life harder.

It's funny how completely separate from transition this issue is, and yet directly related to it.

[REM.1126]

Sublimation and evaporation controlled for, a given mass of whether will weigh the same.  A given volume of water will weigh more than the same volume of ice. 

It is completely counterintuitive (to me) to think that (which is so rigid I can stand on) is less dense than water.  But, I think the crystalline structure of the ice rather than density, gives it the rigidity.  Bizarre.  But, the concept, applied to graphene could make magical things possible.

[EllenW]

Holidays, that's another thing. My young great nephews and nieces... will my nephews and nieces have issues with me being around their kids... you get the drill.  I HATE the idea of making anyone's life harder.

Allie,

I think most if not all of us have had the same thoughts. I know I did when I first came out to my niece and her family.

I happy that we here help keep you grounded

Ellen

[imallie]

Allie,

I think most if not all of us have had the same thoughts. I know I did when I first came out to my niece and her family.

I happy that we here help keep you grounded

Ellen

Thanks Ellen.  Yeah, I think it's just a cycle I'm running through right now. Like "Spin" on the washing machine. Really looking forward to "Rinse" to get rid of these particular thoughts. 

(Wow, you could really hear the branch creak on THAT analogy... apologies to one and all!)

[davina61]

It will all come out in the wash -----------------------------(I'm here all week folks)

[imallie]

Part of the following is VERY much related to the kind clarity that comes from an awful night (headache-wise), where my Apple Watch is generously saying I got 1 hr and 3 minutes of sleep.  But it's clarity non-the-less.

Last night, my wife and I were "arguing" about something... in that playful way you do, and and some point she faux angrily said "listen, mister..."  something she'd probably said to me a thousand times over the 40+ years we've known each other.

Even so, after a beat, I said "hey!" And she said "oh sorry!" And I replied that it really didn't bother me at all, but I was losing the argument and I needed something to throw her off track.

The truth was, later that evening I thought about it...and it had bothered me, but really only a little. And that was that.

Then this morning, during my weekly time on the table, my electrologist was telling me a story, and she said "Oh, I was talking about you to another client. I told her I have this client and SHE ... " everything she said after that sounded like Charlie Brown's teacher.  You know Bwah wah WAH. Wah Bwah Wah.  Like that.

It wasn't forced, or strained, or something she was doing for show... it really was organic. Either that or Meryl Streep, watch out. But the thing was, THAT really did impact me.

And what it made me realize is, in my mind... I think I kind of live in transition right now. It's not that I don't know that I've always been female and my outside doesn't match my inside (the story I've alway told myself), but somehow the very inner definition I have for myself — right now — is kind of in transition.

It's why I bumped on what my wife said, and also why what my electrologist said felt good. It felt right, and affirming in all the best ways... which makes me think where I am isn't really at some 50/50 place... but maybe more than halfway there (in my mind)... like 60/40.

It was a weird little window into my own self-image, that I hadn't seen before. A bit of self-reflection I suppose I hadn't noticed. I think it's a positive... I suppose if I'm honest it would be easier if I was 100/0 instead of 60/40 but that's not how things work. Minds are muscles. They take time and work to retrain and change.

Also, sleep is really necessary. Here's hoping I get some tonight. LOL

Love,
Allie

[TXSara]

Hi Allie --

Yeah, you're totally in that weird stage where you'll get a lot of each.  I tried really hard to present male to the world for as long as I could, so I expected to be given the "sir" and "mister" treatment.  Even so, I relished those moments where I was correctly gendered.  Enjoy it!

~Sara

[imallie]

Hi Allie --

Yeah, you're totally in that weird stage where you'll get a lot of each.  I tried really hard to present male to the world for as long as I could, so I expected to be given the "sir" and "mister" treatment.  Even so, I relished those moments where I was correctly gendered.  Enjoy it!

~Sara

I guess that makes sense, Sara. It's just all hitting a bit different now as things start aligning internally. I think when I get the first organic female gendering solely based on appearance - or even hesitation, I suppose, it will really register.

My therapist, months ago, had suggested that my wife and I go away on vacation so I could present 100% female in public and get used to that. And while I see the merit in that for many people I'm secure in saying that's not going to be my course.

I just think things will continue on this gradual path naturally until there's a tipping point. Although admittedly when I do something hair-wise that will be the biggest acceleration. 

I think that works for me, for us. At least as of today. Plans change.

[EllenW]

Then this morning, during my weekly time on the table, my electrologist was telling me a story, and she said "Oh, I was talking about you to another client. I told her I have this client and SHE ... " everything she said after that sounded like Charlie Brown's teacher.  You know Bwah wah WAH. Wah Bwah Wah.  Like that.

Allie,

Yeah, I remember that felling. In fact, even after transitioning over 5 years ago, it sometimes it still makes me be on cloud 9 when someone uses the female pronouns.

Enjoy it you have earned it.

Ellen

[imallie]

Allie,

Yeah, I remember that felling. In fact, even after transitioning over 5 years ago, it sometimes it still makes me be on cloud 9 when someone uses the female pronouns.

Enjoy it you have earned it.

Ellen

Thanks Ellen. I'm not sure I have yet... or maybe that one just caught me so off guard. But I completely understand what you mean and I know for a fact that I will, when I do.

[imallie]

Good day here.

We spent a completely fruitless hour standing around in a Lowe's home center...  with zero results.

Our hot water heater is having issues (beeping), and a call to the manufacturer revealed that the heating elements need to be replaced. The company will pay for the parts, but not the labor... but said we needed to pick them up and then get an authorized plumber to come install.  But they were unable to identify the parts.

The manual (which of course my wife has kept - she's good like that) was no help either.

I looked online, and compared a few things... and with my LESS THAN ZERO knowledge of anything plumbing, identified the upper and lower element part numbers I thought we needed from a list of like 25 different ones.  She rolled her eyes (rightly) and we set off the Lowe's.

The first "expert" to help us said his actual expertise was in Solar. So he was zero help. But he could get us the plumbing guy.

The plumbing guy eventually showed up and said he couldn't help us even though we had the model number of our hot water heater, but we could if only we had the ITEM # of the heater.  But maybe a manager could, so he'd go get a manager.

He returned like 15 minutes later, saying he couldn't find a manager. In that time, I managed to just find the item # on their website.  So, we gave him exactly the info he wanted... and he proceeded to look up the heater on their website. And shockingly, the part numbers weren't there.

And this point, my wife was trying very hard not to lose her cool, and very nicely said "don't you think we looked at that already?" and he nodded.

Now... 45 minutes had passed, and this entire time I had held in my hands the parts that I believed were the correct ones we needed.

And with no help on the horizon, and our favorite Pho restaurant about to open (and it fills up right at opening if you're not there!) she begrudgingly agreed to buy the parts I had picked and call back later in the day when the supposed plumbing "manager" was on duty.

After a delicious Pho lunch, we got home, and I overheard only my wife's side of the call:

"Uh huh."
"No, no, that's great that we bought the right ones. It's just... my husband is going to insufferable about this."

 

You wouldn't THINK you could work the phrase "Plumbing acumen" into EVERY conversation in the course of an afternoon and evening? But you absolutely 100% CAN!

As I said. A good day. 

Love, the plumbing expert,
Allie

[davina61]

Can you come fix my blocked drain?

[imallie]

Can you come fix my blocked drain?

Oooh, uh... what exactly is this "drain" thingy you're speaking of?

As mentioned, I know absolutely nothing about plumbing. But I am an expert, now.

Quite the conundrum 😂

[imallie]

Product endorsement time (I don't have a sponsorship lined up, but 🤞)

I've long been in search for the perfect solution for removing that pesky back hair... as many of us have, I'm sure.

After countless hours pouring over reviews, and testing a few products, I settled on the Bakblade... and felt it was the "best" I could do.

But after several months, I realized it was... insufficient. Sure, it's good for the initial mass clearing, but for maintenance it's really not very efficient.

However - there IS a solution. The perfect way to clear back hair? Try using "Another person"!

Yes, "Another person" solves all your back-hair removal needs. They can see things right in front of them. Use whatever razor you have on hand, and get rid of everything, pretty easily.

And as a bonus, if you are related to this "Another Person" if you order in the next 30 minutes it is ABSOLUTE FREE (just pay shipping and handling and/or do something nice for them in return).

So, if available, I highly recommend - "ANOTHER PERSON"
(Available where all fine human beings are... I don't know... hatched? My parents never had that talk with me..)

[TXSara]

Too funny, Allie!  She's a keeper for sure!!

~Sara

[imallie]

Too funny, Allie!  She's a keeper for sure!!

~Sara

Yeah, I still hit upon those areas of discussion where I ask myself "is this too weird?" And this kinda felt like one of them, and I honestly don't recall how it came up the other day, but it was pretty organic and she just suggested it in a way of saying "I'm not sure why you kept trying to make this more difficult than it needed to be?"

She also said this morning when she finished, that I probably should start doing my armpits. I don't honestly know why I wasn't (maybe it was subconsciously on the "is this too weird?" List?) but that's now on the list for tomorrow.