Allie's Blog IV: Revenge of Allie's Blog

[Oldandcreaky]

Have you added a new dog to the household since your loss?

Still saving for the new dog. Hope to have one by early summer. Fingers crossed.

[imallie]

Still saving for the new dog. Hope to have one by early summer. Fingers crossed.

🤞🤞🤞🤞🤞🤞🤞🤞🤞🤞

[imallie]

I had to fill out some online survey for my wife's insurance today, it's something so that we can get a $500 wellness credit. It's one of the supposedly "voluntary/anonymous" things where they hook you in with cash credits.

Anyway, one question was birth gender, one was preferred... and when I got to the second I was about to click "transgender" and then I saw there was a "beeswax, nunya" option, so I took that. I really didn't feel like coming out to some computer program today.

But it also made realize something that, maybe is patently obvious to many others. But just dawned on me today. Let's not focus on how late I am, let's just celebrate the fact that I showed up at the party, ok?

What I realized was - "transition" is for other people.

The whole thing. The whole megillah. The entire pizza. The full box of crayons. Whatever you like. It's not for us, but for them. All the "thems"

If, God forbid, you were permanently stranded on a deserted island, and had known you were transgender previously, you would simply begin living as your authentic self immediately. There would be no "transition." No steps. You'd flip a switch, and that would be it. You'd never think about it again. Sure, you'd work to improve your appearance... but everyone of every gender does that. But there'd be no living between genders, going back and forth, etc. You would just BE you.

It's only that we, validly by the way, do things to make it easier for the people in our lives... and easier for us to exist in the company of judgmental strangers, that we conform to the notion and procedures of a transition.

Again, I'm sure this is a "Yeah of course!" moment for many of you. And it doesn't really lead to living my life any differently, knowing this, but it is fascinating to me, as something that totally eluded me until now.

Cluelessly yours,
Allie

[Oldandcreaky]

You raise an interesting point, Allie. If I lived alone in the woods, I too would simply be me with no transition needed. It's other people who foisted transitioning upon me, for without it, other women wouldn't approach me as another woman and men would approach me as if I were male, with all their incumbent expectations. You and I are alike in that we shrug at clothing, but dang it, if you approach me expecting masculine mannerisms and male proclivities, I'm going to disappoint.

[D'Amalie]

You raise an interesting point, Allie. If I lived alone in the woods, I too would simply be me with no transition needed. It's other people who foisted transitioning upon me, for without it, other women wouldn't approach me as another woman and men would approach me as if I were male, with all their incumbent expectations. You and I are alike in that we shrug at clothing, but dang it, if you approach me expecting masculine mannerisms and male proclivities, I'm going to disappoint.

Exactly!  The appearance is only partly me, the rest is trying to force society to recognize me as something they can handle.

[Maid Marion]

I was at a garden club meeting and one of my women friends complemented me on how she liked my glasses.
I noticed how some women picked clothes with gardening themes.  A lot of them also wore heels. 
I didn't see any guys doing either the gardening themes or the high heels.  Maybe next time I'll remember to wear high heels.

The garden club has 50/50 split between what I consider to be male and female presentation.

[Jenn104]

I suspect the answers to the desert island scenario - like our individual stories - are deeply personal, widely varied, and on some level perhaps make sense only to ourselves.

Very personally, I'd still have my body dysphoria. I'd want to take steps to allieve that flavor of dysphoria. While there is some social transition in my own story, I have other drivers. Other feelings I'd want to address, even in a vacuum.

Like I said, I suspect if we took a survery of 100 of us, we'd get 101+ answers on the best of days.  Maybe I am misreading the question posed. I dunno

~Jenn

[imallie]

I suspect the answers to the desert island scenario - like our individual stories - are deeply personal, widely varied, and on some level perhaps make sense only to ourselves.

Very personally, I'd still have my body dysphoria. I'd want to take steps to allieve that flavor of dysphoria. While there is some social transition in my own story, I have other drivers. Other feelings I'd want to address, even in a vacuum.

Like I said, I suspect if we took a survery of 100 of us, we'd get 101+ answers on the best of days.  Maybe I am misreading the question posed. I dunno

~Jenn

I don't think you are at all, Jenn!

I agree on many levels. First, I don't speak for anyone but myself.

But secondly, I agree that I'd still have the dysmorphic issues about my body... but if I wasn't comparing it to another standard anymore.. they might dissipate some. And as mentioned, I believe I'd still take as many steps as feasible to augment my appearance towards my conception of MY feminine ideal on an island (whatever that would end up being).

But what I was saying is all of that would be true, but also, on day one I would have already flipped the switch, gender-wise, in my brain. Whether or not I still had issues I wanted to address is another thing. But there wouldn't be any need for some "transition" until I could say I was finally FEMALE.

That's the point I was making. Not putting it anyone else but me.

[imallie]

Really struggling here. Today is going to be Woody's final day.

My wife called this morning (she was at work already) and we chatted about how he was with her when they got up.. and although he came back to bed with me and was all cuddly, she said he looked so sad. And when I got up with him he looked another level weaker than yesterday. He's such a happy guy, I think THIS is as much as we're going to see for him being uncomfortable/complaining.

I told her a few days ago, and I felt awful doing it, that she 100% will have to make this call. I would never ever pull this trigger. I just can't do it. When it was Buzz's time, as much as I loved him too... he was really "her" guy, and I made that call.

But with Woody? He's my buddy. I can't be the one to say it. She has to. And so this morning, she pretty much has. And of course she's correct.  Contacted the boy, he's running some meeting at a mayor's office until 11 am and then said he's clearing his calendar (he said he was 'going OOP' (which it took me a beat to realize meant "going out of pocket')) for the rest of the day, so that will be good.

So I'm just going to just try to make him comfortable and be with him until they're home.

Love,
Allie

[Oldandcreaky]

Oh, Allie, I'm so sad with you, Woody, your wife, and the boy. We waited too long with our cat. He was a scrap of a cat at the end. It takes great love, loyalty, and wisdom to not wait until the ones we love are mere scraps.

[D'Amalie]

Oh! My Goodness!

I simply love the compassion in those words.

"It takes great love, loyalty, and wisdom to not wait until the ones we love are mere scraps."

[EllenW]

Allie,

Your post has brought tears to my eyes. I am so sorry to hear about Woody.

My thoughts and prayers for you and your wife.

HUGS

Ellen

[davina61]

I feel for you dear, over the years have had to say goodbye to half a dozen dogs and a few cats all of them missed.

[Oldandcreaky]

I'm thinking good thoughts for all of you, Allie.

[Mariah]

So sorry for your loss. It is always hard losing pets. After all they are part of the family. Hugs
Mariah

[imallie]

Thanks so much to all for your kind thoughts and words.

It was, as you can imagine, an exhausting and emotional day.

So fortunate that our son was able to get home around noon and had the afternoon with Woody, and my wife was able to get home around 1-2, and we all went to the vet at around 4:30, and stayed with Woody through the whole procedure.

He was purring up until the end, and in fact his last moment was, after he was given the first injection (sedative), he came over and put his head to my forehead and held it there, and then fell over onto the table.

Even writing that now is too much. At the time that made me inconsolable for 10 minutes.

I was just glad the three of us could all be there, together, for him.  But I am really heartsick right now, and miss him dearly.

Luckily tomorrow morning is electrolysis, Thursday I have the plumber coming to finally fix our hot water heater, and then Fridays my wife works from home. So I won't have my first full day home all day by myself until Monday. I don't think I could do that tomorrow.

We spent this evening looking at photos, and I can already tell that I have one doozy of a cluster headache warming up in the bullpen for 50 minutes or so from now. So I'm going to go.

Thanks again - so much.

Love,
Allie

[Jenn104]

Thank You for sharing, Allie. I teared up reading Woody was purring as he put his head to yours. Special bonds like that don't come often. Surely every last reader of yours shares a corner of your grief.

Jenn

[Oldandcreaky]

He was purring up until the end, and in fact his last moment was, after he was given the first injection (sedative), he came over and put his head to my forehead and held it there, and then fell over onto the table.

That's a beautiful death. I wish I could die like Woody, but having worked in a hospital and having seen how humans die, again and again, my death will likely be nothing like lucky Woody's death. You did everything right for Woody, Allie, and I'm so glad the three of you were together to grieve and remember.

[imallie]

Thanks Jenn & O/C.

His final moment was really such a gift. It meant everything to me.

Of course my electrolysis session was far less productive than usual, as when she opened the door to greet me and saw my face and said "how's Woody?" And then we had to keep taking breaks for her to cry.
I'm tearing up right now, but I don't think I have any moisture left in my body so not sure actual crying is even physical possible until I replenish.

[Oldandcreaky]

Your electrolygist is a good woman. I expect you'll cry here and there for weeks. Tears, being salty, will rust our gut if we don't release them. I pity the ones who can't cry.