Allie's Blog IV: Revenge of Allie's Blog

[Oldandcreaky]

Sitting on a pillow sounds comfy!

[Sarah B]

Hi Allie

I know I have not said much lately, but I do follow what is going on.  I must sincerely apologize to you in advance of some things that I'm going to say.

Yeah, telling my sisters will really get the ball rolling. I mean, I would be shocked if by the end of May everyone doesn't know. Things should go real FAST from here.

I'm waiting in anticipation of whats going to happen with your sisters.  I wish with all my heart that it goes well.

"bigger" being a relative term. Weird thing is, even at 400 lbs, I never carried any weight in my butt. I had a friend who referred to another friend as a FBA (flat basket a*s) and I very much resembled that phrase.

The butt does not change.  However, you know what they say about 'lips' and 'hips'?

So this definitely is a new sensation. At dinner tonight my wife gave me this look, and I said "What?" and she said "you're doing some sort of fanny dance."    And I realized it was because it sort of feels like I'm sitting on a little pillow and I was shifting around.

No, No and No, it's not that you are sitting on a pillow.  There is something in the way and it's causing you 'pain' maybe and you are moving around to get comfortable!

I just think the 20 lbs lost and regained (assuming that I can lose them again) may not have been the worst thing.

Lost from your butt and regained on the hips. Thats the scientific explanation and I'm sticking to it.

Oh - just this evening, speaking of not great things, though - I got my labs back. My Estrogen levels went from 99 down to 66... which is a bit perplexing. I assume it's not anything to worry about. My testosterone is still extremely low, so this could have been different day of the week, etc... and it'll probably lead to an uptick in patch strength. So there are positives. Just odd.

On a serious note, at least the testosterone is low and that is the most important level to watch out for.  I would agree with you its the strength of the patches.  In other words the patches strength fades over time and when you had your levels taken, your estrogen level must have been low in your body.

My dosage is always high and remains at the same level all the time.  I assume,  I will check with my current GP when I have a few more lab results done with her.

I wish you all the best in the coming days and I look forward to hearing from you as well.

Love and Hugs
Sarah B
Official Greeter
@imallie

[imallie]

Hey Sarah - I'm not sure what you're apologizing for? I greatly appreciate all your input and support.
And if people had to apologize for correcting me when I was mistaken about things, my wife, for example, would do nothing BUT apologize 😂

————
Quick funny story from this morning.

Spoke to the youngest of my three sisters (all older than me). She doesn't love the dynamic when the three of them get together as she feels "less than" sometimes.
But she's looking forward to this lunch as she feels I will change the vibe.

"It'll be so much better with you there," she said.  "Or at least you can see what I mean."

But then she had a request - just don't ask her a lot of questions and maybe talk about myself more to change the whole typical dynamic.

"Ok," I said. "Just for you I will make you this promise. I will do my best to talk about myself and make me the major focus of conversation for the whole lunch. You have my word."

And she seemed to like that.

I believe I will be able to keep that promise with little difficulty. 😉

[LoriDee]

I think that is a wise decision. That could keep the conversation on topic and keep from getting sidetracked by politics, religion, etc. They need to hear what you are doing, why and how it makes you feel, and plans for the future. Just having a supporting spouse at your side is a BIG plus. Staying focused on the positive is the way to go. I love how you have things planned out.

I hope so much that it goes well for you.

Hugs!

[Oldandcreaky]

"Ok," I said. "Just for you I will make you this promise. I will do my best to talk about myself and make me the major focus of conversation for the whole lunch. You have my word."

Ha! She'll remember her request until her dying breath and hopefully the two of you will have many good laughs about it in the coming decades.

[Sarah B]

Hi Allie

I'm sure you know, why I was saying sorry for a couple of one liners.  I was being considerate of your feelings, hence the preface to what I was going to say, just in case, namely the following comments;

• The butt does not change.  However, you know what they say about 'lips' and 'hips'?
• No, No and No, it's not that you are sitting on a pillow.  There is something in the way and it's causing you 'pain' maybe and you are moving around to get comfortable!
• Lost from your butt and regained on the hips. That's the scientific explanation and I'm sticking to it.

You said;

And if people had to apologize for correcting me when I was mistaken about things, my wife, for example, would do nothing BUT apologize 😂

Took me a couple of times reading and I finally got it this morning.  Poking fun at yourself is so self deprecating, for you.  That shows your real character and hence I will withdraw my apology on those particular comments.

————
Quick funny story from this morning.

Spoke to the youngest of my three sisters (all older than me). She doesn't love the dynamic when the three of them get together as she feels "less than" sometimes.
But she's looking forward to this lunch as she feels I will change the vibe.

I heard you mention that about your youngest sister before.   What she doesn't know is she is going to be replaced by you, being the youngest girl in the family.  Hence the dynamics are going to change.

"It'll be so much better with you there," she said.  "Or at least you can see what I mean."

I believe she will be on your side, totally. I hope and the two other sisters as well.

But then she had a request - just don't ask her a lot of questions and maybe talk about myself more to change the whole typical dynamic.

She has no idea that is not going to happen. So funny.

"Ok," I said. "Just for you I will make you this promise. I will do my best to talk about myself and make me the major focus of conversation for the whole lunch. You have my word."

And she seemed to like that.

I believe I will be able to keep that promise with little difficulty. 😉

I so would like to be the proverbial fly on the wall and see her expression when you finally reveal the truth about yourself and she realizes that you will be the centre of attention.

It's good to know that your wife will be there to protect you.  Once again I'm hoping everything goes your way.  Obviously I accept you for who you are and always will.

Love and Hugs Always
Sarah B
Official Greeter

[imallie]

Thanks Sarah! They'll all get my letter the night before, so they'll have some time to process things before the lunch. And if they're not ready to deal with it and don't want to attend I'll totally understand. That's exactly what I wrote in the letter.
But 100% having my wife there makes everything better, always. ❤️

[Sarah B]

Hi Allie

Thanks for the clarification, it was appreciated.  I was wondering about the 'letter'.

Love and Hugs
Sarah B
Official Greeter

[imallie]

Hi Allie

Thanks for the clarification, it was appreciated.  I was wondering about the 'letter'.

Love and Hugs
Sarah B
Official Greeter

Yeah, sorry about that. I wrote a bunch about my letter recently... that is to what I was referring.

Oh and by the way, just to clarify? You're correct of course that the hips will widen, but I was pretty certain that the buttocks also is the recipient of fat distribution — first of all I can literally see it on me, not just feel it —  and just to confirm that fact, I found this in numerous places:

Over a time of typically 1 to 2 years, the existing body fat will redistribute itself into a typically feminine pattern.
The body will begin to burn the fat located in the waist, shoulders and back.
The majority of the fat will migrate to the hips, thighs and buttocks, which may result in a smaller waist and larger hips.

So I think we both were correct. 😘

[imallie]

Oh also, I wonder if anyone can speak to this? I have a theory but it's just that — a theory:

Speaking to my wife last night, I told her that I don't feel all that nervous about the lunch with my sisters. Oh I'm sure I probably will be that morning, but I was oddly calm when telling our son... so maybe not.

HOWEVER, when I think about what's coming up the next month or so, what DOES make me nervous? Is the first time we go to our favorite restaurant once I'm more openly presenting (basically - post "hair").

Is it simply because with my sisters I'm controlling the audience AND I'm giving them the information before hand? In crisis media we call that "sticking the knife in yourself" (at least you can make sure it won't hit a vital organ... you know?)

But with the restaurant - the staff knows us well. Some of them come and chat with us regardless of whether or not they are serving our table, that sort of thing... so that is completely out of my control.

Or is it JUST the idea of presenting in public?  Because while I know that will be fraught, I feel like it'll be what it will be and I know the second time will be better than the first, etc... so I really don't think this is the issue. But I guess I don't know?

All I do know is somehow I'm hung up on the first-time out at this restaurant in particular.

For those who have come before... does this ring any bells? Would appreciate any insight.

Love,
Allie

[Oldandcreaky]

All I do know is somehow I'm hung up on the first-time out at this restaurant in particular.

For those who have come before... does this ring any bells? Would appreciate any insight.

It sounds like the place "where everyone knows your name." However, given the limits of restaurant interactions, you can't get the same "good bead" on the staff as you have with your sisters. Plus, it's a public place with zero prepping, I.e. they don't get a letter ahead of time. So, I understand you anxiety and won't poo-poo it or offer unfounded reassurances.

[Jenn104]

Oh also, I wonder if anyone can speak to this? I have a theory but it's just that — a theory:

Speaking to my wife last night, I told her that I don't feel all that nervous about the lunch with my sisters. Oh I'm sure I probably will be that morning, but I was oddly calm when telling our son... so maybe not.

HOWEVER, when I think about what's coming up the next month or so, what DOES make me nervous? Is the first time we go to our favorite restaurant once I'm more openly presenting (basically - post "hair").

Is it simply because with my sisters I'm controlling the audience AND I'm giving them the information before hand? In crisis media we call that "sticking the knife in yourself" (at least you can make sure it won't hit a vital organ... you know?)

But with the restaurant - the staff knows us well. Some of them come and chat with us regardless of whether or not they are serving our table, that sort of thing... so that is completely out of my control.

Or is it JUST the idea of presenting in public?  Because while I know that will be fraught, I feel like it'll be what it will be and I know the second time will be better than the first, etc... so I really don't think this is the issue. But I guess I don't know?

All I do know is somehow I'm hung up on the first-time out at this restaurant in particular.

For those who have come before... does this ring any bells? Would appreciate any insight.

Love,
Allie

I have this from a support group - "Mae's Law: it is always worse in your head".  (Mae was a transwoman well known in Great Boston, a generation ago).


There is no way to plan for every reaction. I get your nerves. I've had your nerves. No matter what happens, give yourself permission to enjoy the moment. My guess is "hair" is going to feel wonderfully magically affirming. Why let anyone's reaction dull the moment?


hope it all goes well.

~Jenn

[imallie]

It sounds like the place "where everyone knows your name." However, given the limits of restaurant interactions, you can't get the same "good bead" on the staff as you have with your sisters. Plus, it's a public place with zero prepping, I.e. they don't get a letter ahead of time. So, I understand you anxiety and won't poo-poo it or offer unfounded reassurances.

Oh apologies. Not looking for reassurances of any kind. More just trying to see if my radar is tuned correctly, you know? Meaning, does this sound like the kind of things other people had fretted about in the past or is it reading as odd?

Because on a macro level it's not hard to argue the stakes are a teeny bit higher with my sisters. But just as you said, my instincts are that it's just the control issue COUPLED with the familiarity.

Going into a place with no control (which will be most places initially) BUT total strangers would certainly be easier, for example. But say, walking into the lunch with my sisters WITHOUT them having read the letter, would be worse.

Ok, just talking this out I think it's making sense to myself. Hopefully not ONLY myself. 🙄😂

[imallie]

I have this from a support group - "Mae's Law: it is always worse in your head".  (Mae was a transwoman well known in Great Boston, a generation ago).


There is no way to plan for every reaction. I get your nerves. I've had your nerves. No matter what happens, give yourself permission to enjoy the moment. My guess is "hair" is going to feel wonderfully magically affirming. Why let anyone's reaction dull the moment?


hope it all goes well.

~Jenn

Thanks so much Jenn! It's not so much about nerves themselves, I was just trying to calibrate why more nerves with the restaurant than my sisters. That felt weird to me. But I THINK maybe I cracked it?

And yes, your quote is good.  It's like the Twain quote I keep in my profile - "Worrying is like paying a debt you don't owe."

[Jenn104]

Hey Allie-- seriously, in my own story of transition I have seen this often. I create a jumble of worst fears and what could go wrongs, then no one cares in the moment. My instincts say you are just starting to learn this now. It takes a while to internalize.


Pro tip -- practice positive rewards. If the day goes well, treat yourself to something. Example: I don't know if Mrs Allie likes pedicures or not. If she does book hers and hers appointments for you both. As a treat/reward/thank you for her as well as yourself. Because your sisters and lunch are a thing to be celebrated an rewarded.

Besides-- you will love a good pedicure. Not just nails, the whole  soaking, cheese gratering, luxuriating experience.

~Jenn

[LoriDee]

I have to agree with O&C that the difference is prepping. Look at how much time and mental energy you have invested in writing your letters. You have examined possible questions and their answers and you have mentally envisioned all the possible scenarios and how you might respond to them. You are well prepared.

The restaurant, out in public, not so much. You will get used to it. Just wait until someone says, "I love your hair." I just love it when that happens.

[EllenW]

Allie,

I understand your concerns, at least I think I do. I know I was anxious when I first started going out as a female. But that was mostly when I was just cross dressing before I realized I was transgender. It got easier as time went on.

As to transition, my path was different than yours. At first, I just started wearing clothes that were more gender neutral, earring and nail polish. Slowly I started wearing only women's outfits. Like you, we went to the same restaurants and I never had an issue. Over a couple of years, they started greeting us as two ladies.

Wish you the best of luck in your path forward.

Ellen

[LoriDee]

Something I just remembered... you said you were thinking of going with a human hair topper.
The nice thing about them is that they can be dyed the same as your bio hair. Something to consider. I prefer synthetics because they hold their style so it's easy getting ready to go somewhere.

Just a thought,
Hugs!

[REM.1126]

I don't know how larger the restaurant is or how many different staff members come speak with you, but you could come out to them before you show up dressed as you plan to going forward.

[Gina P]

Its always good to be prepared but not to worry to much about the 'what if's'. Let yourself enjoy the moment and things always go smoother than trying to rehearse every scenario. 
I met an old friend in a dinner for my first coming out. She just stared at me for a few minutes then it was as if nothing was different. I look back at those days and the anxiety was incredible. Now, as all things, it gets much much easier without the 'firsts.' 
Hugs Gina