Allie's Blog IV: Revenge of Allie's Blog

[imallie]

Allie,

I understand your concerns, at least I think I do. I know I was anxious when I first started going out as a female. But that was mostly when I was just cross dressing before I realized I was transgender. It got easier as time went on.

As to transition, my path was different than yours. At first, I just started wearing clothes that were more gender neutral, earring and nail polish. Slowly I started wearing only women's outfits. Like you, we went to the same restaurants and I never had an issue. Over a couple of years, they started greeting us as two ladies.

Wish you the best of luck in your path forward.

Ellen

Ellen - actually that's really similar to what I've been doing. Been growing my hair out for months. Been wearing women's clothes and/or gender neutral stuff as well. Or at worst my color palate has changed to pastels. But people don't really notice things other than themselves.
Once I do the hair thing, I think that's over, plus then I can be more overt. Even so it'll continue to be a gradual thing because that's what feels right to me.
Love,
Allie

[imallie]

Something I just remembered... you said you were thinking of going with a human hair topper.
The nice thing about them is that they can be dyed the same as your bio hair. Something to consider. I prefer synthetics because they hold their style so it's easy getting ready to go somewhere.

Just a thought,
Hugs!

It's funny Lori I was just discussing this topic with my wife last night, as the salon owner had a blog entry on her site all about that issue.
Where we stand is basically we are going to go into that appointment open minded. They're the experts. I think the only time people make bad choices is when they tell people who know way more about a topic how to do things 😂

From my understanding the process is that they'll grill me on what is most important to me and based off those answers that leads to a solution.

Oh by the way - in terms of human hair, I think maybe what I said was the salon owner told me that gray human hair is not great quality. So if I wanted human hair I'd likely need to dye mine. I think that was the confusion because I was trying to get more info about what that entailed.

[imallie]

I don't know how larger the restaurant is or how many different staff members come speak with you, but you could come out to them before you show up dressed as you plan to going forward.

It's a pretty big place. There are a couple of the staff with whom we speak most often so might I say something to them? I don't know. I think more likely I'd just hope they were on staff the first day I show up "hair'ed".
But honestly there are going to be lots of firsts like that. So getting that one out of the way will be nice when it happens. 

[imallie]

Obviously I've been in my head a lot this week on this stuff.

One thing I'm leaning on?

I have spent much of my professional life being "stared at" - literally and figuratively. Public speaking, on TV, in front of the press (both sides of that) - and as the most recognizable figure in the athletic program after the coach and (sometimes) the AD.

So because of all that? It took me a while to realize that strangers sometimes say really ignorant and not very nice things about me online. Coaches deal with that so do athletes. I got a smaller piece, but yeah I got a piece.
And like them you always say "I never read that stuff" but then your friends who are trying to be supportive saving "did you see this that they're saying about you now? What a bunch of bs!"
And you just reply "no, thanks. I hadn't seen it. But that's fascinating. I honestly thought I knew who my mom was. But apparently, not according to these fine, anonymous folks" 😂

And of course, it wasn't hard sometimes to suss out who these people were - they were the same people who were so nice to me in public and I would just smile back.

Like I said - not sure if that will fully steel me, but Lord knows if it ends up being helpful in someway - that is hilarious.

Love,
Allie

[imallie]

It's interesting, this talk of control. Because I do think that is the central focus of all concerns going forward. Being able to control the narrative, basically.

For one thing - two days from now, we cede true control for good.

Right now, I can pretty confidently state that 11 people, well 12 (counting myself) know about me. My wife and son, my electrologist, therapist, PCP, Endo, Botox neuro and her assistant, my primary neuro (unless he forgot), our good friend Sarah, and the hair lady (since we've emailed and I've sent photos).

But once I send that letter to my sisters? That's it. I am NOT going to ask them not to tell their spouses or kids. I mean, when we meet the next day I will offer them a separate letter I'd like them to use to share the news with other family members... but there's nothing to say some won't immediately have done it.

I just think asking someone not to do something ... then just immediately puts up a wall and a question of trust. They come to the lunch with perhaps a lie they are guarding. But if I don't ask, then they aren't forced to do that.

My wife and I spoke about this last evening. It's not that giving up control is necessarily all bad. It's just that the world is going to be very different, in an undeniable way. Time to buckle up.

Love,
Allie

[Oldandcreaky]

Allie, my family members were told more than 40 years ago. I requested that they tell no one, as it's my story to tell and telling is outing. They talked never-the-less and that's somewhat understandable, but to continue talking isn't, as some still do after four decades. To tell my story after 40 years is no longer processing. It's straight-up gossiping and whereas many people delight in gossiping, gossiping is a power play and a way to garner attention while someone else pays the bill.

So, I suggest you qualify your green lighting your sisters to talk without a time limit. Perhaps a one and done deal, like "you get to tell my story for one month and then you're done, for the sake of my safety and sanity."

When they tell your story, you assume all the risk with none of the control.

[imallie]

Allie, my family members were told more than 40 years ago. I requested that they tell no one, as it's my story to tell and telling is outing. They talked never-the-less and that's somewhat understandable, but to continue talking isn't, as some still do after four decades. To tell my story after 40 years is no longer processing. It's straight-up gossiping and whereas many people delight in gossiping, gossiping is a power play and a way to garner attention while someone else pays the bill.

So, I suggest you qualify your green lighting your sisters to talk without a time limit. Perhaps a one and done deal, like "you get to tell my story for one month and then you're done, for the sake of my safety and sanity."

When they tell your story, you assume all the risk with none of the control.

First of all, that is excellent advice and phrasing and I am 100% going to steal that.

As you know, good writers borrow from other writers, Great writers steal from them outright.

I just came up with that. 😉

Anyway, what I think I failed to mention is that the only agency I'm going to give my sisters is the ability to choose when to tell their children and spouses (you know, other than whatever they would have done between Friday night and Saturday morning).

I will provide them with another version of the letter for that purpose. I don't mind if they pick the time when someone finds out, but I would always prefer that the words be MINE. As you said, I don't want anyone else, even my sisters, telling MY story.

But again, you're right - even with the letter, it might make sense to say they're free to share the letter with whomever they wish to through the end of May. And then that's it.

I hadn't thought of putting a calendar on it in that way, but it makes a lot of sense.

But being in my own words has always been the plan.  But as discussed above, all I can do is ask in that regard — there's still no guarantee that's how it's going to go. In fact the only guarantee is that as it spreads it will happen less and less, regardless of my desires. Especially the first time it reaches an "unfriendly.'

I think, though, that is the cost of telling people, no?

Love,
Allie

[Oldandcreaky]

I'm glad, Allie, that you agree. I think it could save you some suffering down the road...as long as they honor your request. I hope they are loving enough to do so.

[Gina P]

Human nature is to gossip. Once you tell a few it will spread like wildfire. They will pretend they didn't know but you will know which ones have heard. Good luck. Having some pre-versed is not always a bad thing.
Hugs Gina

[imallie]

Countdown has begun. T-24 until the email to my sibs goes out. Ran the letter by the boy today. He liked it. He was especially a fan of the line where I said he'd been "incredible" through all this. I told him that still might not make the final edit. 

I'm not scared, but I am anxious. It's akin (sorry for always rolling things back towards sports and/or writing, but it's in my DNA) to the night before an NCAA game. The 4-5 days leading up to it can kind of be a bit exciting. Frenetic, even, as you try to dot ever i, cross every t to get ready. But by the night before? You're just SOOOO ready for it to start you're almost a bit jaded, like "come ON already, let's get this over with."

That's a bit where I am right now.

BTW, I am not saying this will be the case, but I think it's at least possible that I will go dark here at Susan's for a few days, just logistically. Don't read anything into it if that happens. Believe me, if the world blows up I will most certainly find my way here to seek support.

But in all likelihood I will try to post some sort of update on Saturday night, after all the dust settles.

Love,
Allie

[Oldandcreaky]

I look forward to that update. In the meantime, I'm thinking good thoughts for you, Allie.

[imallie]

Unplanned update (due to technical incompetence)

Sent the e-mail to my sisters at 9:30 PM tonight, along with a text asking them to check their email... then I put my phone down with the plan not to look at it the rest of the night. That's what my wife and I agreed made the most sense.

The issue was my Apple Watch - I'd get notice of emails, texts and any calls on that. But I looked up how to turn off notifications on that — and I did so — or so I thought. Not so much.

So when it buzzed I was surprised and peeked... and that was that.

First came an AMAZING text from my oldest sister. My wife was still awake and I read it to her and we both said "ok, we're good" and it was just really lovely.

Next was a text from my youngest sister - it was short and sweet but had the word "love" in it like 12 times.

And then an email from the middle sister, the psychologist — which I just glanced at because it started to make me cry. But it was lovely too. I figured I'd wait and read it with my wife in the morning.

But needless to say, all is well. Very much looking forward to lunch.

Love,
Allie

[LoriDee]

Allie,

That warms my heart. Thank you for sharing!

[Oldandcreaky]

Whew! Good news. Nah, great news.

[davina61]

See nothing to worry about!

[imallie]

See nothing to worry about!

You say that, but what you don't realize is, the menu at this restaurant is VERY limiting because they serve brunch on the weekends. So that presents its own challenge. 😉

In all seriousness, yes, it is a relief. Although neither my wife, myself nor my son were really worried about my sisters ... more about their hubbies and or certain of their kids.  But their overwhelming support will likely go a long way to quash that if it were going to be any issue. Time will tell.

Likely later I will share at least one of the notes from my sisters, probably when we are back from lunch.

Love,
Allie

[Oldandcreaky]

Likely later I will share at least one of the notes from my sisters, probably when we are back from lunch.

I'd like that.

You say that, but what you don't realize is, the menu at this restaurant is VERY limiting because they serve brunch on the weekends. So that presents its own challenge. 😉

If you're going to be a funny girl, should I call you Babs or Fannie?

[Gina P]

Sounds like you have a very kind and loving family. So glad for you. Looking forward to the update on brunch. Be prepared for lots of hugs.
One more,
Hugs Gina

[imallie]

I'd like that.

If you're going to be a funny girl, should I call you Babs or Fannie?

😂 on the names! You're pretty close actually, to me and one of my sibs. 😉

Since we aren't leaving for a bit - here's the note from my oldest sis:

"Thank you for trusting us and sharing your story. Of course I will be there tomorrow for lunch and for whatever and whenever you want to talk more. I don't think you need to worry one bit about anyone not accepting or wanting to be a part of your life. We love you and honestly I'm happy for you that you're choosing to live your life comfortably and authentically. I'll see you tomorrow. Love you ❤️"

[Oldandcreaky]

"Thank you for trusting us and sharing your story. Of course I will be there tomorrow for lunch and for whatever and whenever you want to talk more. I don't think you need to worry one bit about anyone not accepting or wanting to be a part of your life. We love you and honestly I'm happy for you that you're choosing to live your life comfortably and authentically. I'll see you tomorrow. Love you ❤️"

You're such a good apple, Allie, and your sister is too. Thanks for sharing. It made my eyes shine.