A bit of post-mortem on today:
Lunch was great. All three of my sisters were wonderful. They were all fully themselves in every glorious, amazing, awful, weird, infuriating, loving, beautiful and exasperating sense of that word. In short, nothing had changed.
They wanted to hear my story, but not in prurient sort of way... just in a "if you want to share it..." sort of way. I glossed over things. I still think people don't really want to hear other people's life story, they want to know how things impact THEM.
Oh and one of my brothers-in-law came too. My sister texted and asked if he could... said he'd really like to come and offer his support and I said of course. He spent last night reading all sorts of things and he too was really supportive.
One takeaway was my sisters were REALLY appreciative and impressed with my letter. No fooling around here, being serious for once. Yes, it honestly was very well-written. And so I do think that carried a lot of the water. But beyond that, they were really impressed with the process.
One sister said it just felt "very well-thought out, so deeply attuned to our perspective, and just... a classy way to do things. I am not sure if "classy" is the right word but I keep coming back to it."
They appreciated being able to read it, process the information, read it again, and then send their lovely responses. They each said they would have responded that same way in the moment, but of course there might have been surprised faces... and just giving them that time, is such a compassionate way to do this.
I told them of my expression that "transition is for other people" — you know, beyond the physical and personal changes... the mechanics of coming out and all that is really for the other people. To make them comfortable. To help them understand that you're still the same person they know and love. And so doing things with an eye towards that just make sense.
To that end, I gave them all a letter to give to their kids as well. I have a whole bunch of nephews/nieces on my side (nine), and I gave my sisters agency to share my letter when they wanted... but I did ask they do it soon and coordinate. They all said they'd do it today (save for one sister who has a son out of the country, and she said she'd send it to him when he returns mid-week).
Well, within an hour I'd actually gotten lovely texts from 4 of the other 8 nephews and nieces as well. Just really wonderful stuff.
Now, there are a few that I haven't heard from that were on our (my wife, son and I's) watch list as potentially having issues with this... but with their mom's being so strongly supportive... well, if they need time, or even if they cannot be supportive, I understand.
As it is, today has really been like a big hug.
Updated the boy, and he was, of course, thrilled. He then asked, for the first time since I came out to him, if it were ok for him to tell his two closest friends. Originally we thought we might want to wait until we told my wife's side, but since he asked — meaning it was on his mind — we told him to go ahead.
We should be telling her family this week (via email letter) and our close friends (via the same methods) the following week — so the ball is rolling now.
Anyway, a wonderful but exhausting day. I'm sure I left out 60% of the good stuff, but that's really all I have the capacity to recall and share right now.
For any who are anticipating this step in their process, all I can say is do your best to make sure your bonds are strong beforehand. And then when you do it, remember that you have had this information for years and/or decades... but you're telling people you care for deeply some shocking news... so do so in the way you'd want to hear such things from someone you love, and will you guarantee anything? Of course not. But you will be doing all you can to increase the odds in your favor. That's literally the very best you can do.
Love,
Allie
