Allie's Blog IV: Revenge of Allie's Blog

[Lori Dee]

A great support team will not only hold you up when you need it most, but they will also be the first to defend you against those who may not be supportive. You have the Dream Team.

[Iztaccihuatl]

For us married MTF trans folks so much hinges on how the wife takes it. Children take their cues from their mother and her family will too. And many other folks find it easier to go along when they see that the wife is fully supportive and okay with the transition.

In this respect you really lucked out, Allie!

Hugs,

Heidemarie

[imallie]

For us married MTF trans folks so much hinges on how the wife takes it. Children take their cues from their mother and her family will too. And many other folks find it easier to go along when they see that the wife is fully supportive and okay with the transition.

In this respect you really lucked out, Allie!

Hugs,

Heidemarie

Oh believe me, Heidemarie (inadvertent rhyme - my apologies!) I'm well aware, and try to appreciate that fact every day. But then nothing has changed on that front in years. I felt that way about my wife long before transition. 😘

By the way, we just spent the day with her family -

We walked the beach with two of her sisters and one brother-in-law...

Then ate lunch with one of those sisters and the other brother-in-law...

Then had dinner later with both couples, a third sister/brother-in-law and a brother (whose wife was out of town).

In all those interactions I think only once did my transition even come up as a topic, and then only tangentially ... someone asked about my headaches and I told them how hormones were impacting it, and we did share the stories of telling our son and scheduling things with my sisters. But that's it.

Other than that, and some very nice (and appropriate) use of my new name? It was all just same old,same old. Which was very very nice, and much appreciated.

[Iztaccihuatl]

That sounds really nice and hearing your correct name must have been so affirming! I think your family is a poster book on how every coming out and transition should be, namely just a non-event. Kinda: thanks for letting me know another part of you, but now let's move on to some other subject.

[imallie]

That sounds really nice and hearing your correct name must have been so affirming! I think your family is a poster book on how every coming out and transition should be, namely just a non-event. Kinda: thanks for letting me know another part of you, but now let's move on to some other subject.

Yup. My side was different.

My sisters really wanted to know more, and our lunch was all about me and it was really lovely and showed how much they care and all that... but it was — a lot. And subsequently one of them has been a bit too exuberant about things, but I've spoken to her and I think she gets it.
But my other two sisters have calibrated things really well.

So yes, everything with family has really gone amazingly well.

Next week is "friends" week, and we (my wife and I, and probably our son too since we will see him for dinner tomorrow) will come up for a game plan for that.

[Oldandcreaky]

I don't know if you're exhausted by all the revealing, but I'm exhausted for you!

Allie, have you heard anything positive or negative from the people you feared might be problematic?

[imallie]

I don't know if you're exhausted by all the revealing, but I'm exhausted for you!

Allie, have you heard anything positive or negative from the people you feared might be problematic?

Bupkis.

Actually, my sisters whose two boys are on the watch list, intimated that, although they have not contacted me "it's not their way" they are supportive. Who knows?
The other nephew - from whose brothers and sister I've gotten really nice notes is radio silent. And he and I normally do text on occasion.
And nothing from the other two brothers in law... but again, nothing negative just nothing positive.
I personally am treating all things like that as positive until proven otherwise. 

[EllenW]

Allie,

I am very happy that everything is going well. Based on my experience radio silence means acceptance.

some very nice (and appropriate) use of my new name

My memory from your lost blog that Allie was not going to be your new name and that you did not want to mention it until you told your family. So, since you told them. What is your new name?

Ellen

[imallie]

Allie,

I am very happy that everything is going well. Based on my experience radio silence means acceptance.


My memory from your lost blog that Allie was not going to be your new name and that you did not want to mention it until you told your family. So, since you told them. What is your new name?

Ellen

Correct Ellen - it's not.

But "Allie" has carried me a long way, and part of me thinks it might make sense to keep things a bit close to the vest.

It's not a lack of trust in folks here, but there's too much going on with lurkers and what not and people who come looking for info with the express purpose of doing harm with it. 

Some people here do my new name, but heck even those took a while to adjust having been so used to Allie 😂. So I think we'll just leave well enough alone for now.

Emphasis on "for now" though - if my wife and I have learned anything this week is that reality can shift about as quickly as the sand beneath your feet. So who knows what tomorrow brings?

Sorry for the convoluted answer to a simple question - but I didn't want it to appear that I'm not sharing because I don't trust people here. Not that at all.

[imallie]

As mentioned everything went swimmingly with my wife's family. We had lunch today with her oldest sister (who wasn't able to make dinner the night before) and that was really nice. She teared up at one point, just starting to say how sorry she was for what I'd been through... and I cut her off and told her that I'm really happy right here and now, so there's really no reason for anyone to be sorry about anything.

I could tell she was also a bit anxious about names, pronouns and the likes, so for the second time in two days (and, I imagine, what will became old hat in short order) my little speech about how I don't want anyone ever to be on pins and needles, and language from those who love and support me will never bother me in the slightest. I could tell that registered and was appreciated. So my wife and I agreed that is definitely going on my "Greatest Hits" album. 

On our ride home we finalized the roster for the round #1 group of friends for this week. We debated if there would be a round 2 and 3, or just a round 2 and then deal with things on a case-by-case basis.

But we also thought why not just send those letters out tonight and get the ball rolling?

Well, after a wonderful dinner and catch-up chat with the boy... as we sat watching TV, I turned to my wife and just said "first of all, I am sorry - we have tried very hard not to make all this the focus of our lives, and for the last two weeks it's been like the circus is in town. And they've been extended at least one more week.  And secondly... I do not want to send out the letters tonight. I need a night off."

She was fully on board with "and on the eighth day, they rested" theory as well... so I'll work on the letters tomorrow.

Ok, cluster headache time (or maybe not?) - gotta go assume the position.

Love,
Allie

[Oldandcreaky]

I'm glad you added Takeabreakday to the rotation, making it an eight-day week.

Did the cluster headache wallop you?

You are so wise and have invested so much energy in your social transition and it has clearly been a resounding success that I'm reluctant to tweak your approach, but five or ten years down the road, you might want to tighten your expectations around your name and pronouns.

For me, to spend 99% of my life in the company of local friends and strangers who see me as female and then to connect with old friends and family who keep reminding me with the wrong pronouns that they remember me as male, well, it's a jolt every time because they've stayed behind. They don't see me, they don't know me, and we all want to be seen.

[imallie]

I'm glad you added Takeabreakday to the rotation, making it an eight-day week.

Did the cluster headache wallop you?

You are so wise and have invested so much energy in your social transition and it has clearly been a resounding success that I'm reluctant to tweak your approach, but five or ten years down the road, you might want to tighten your expectations around your name and pronouns.

For me, to spend 99% of my life in the company of local friends and strangers who see me as female and then to connect with old friends and family who keep reminding me with the wrong pronouns that they remember me as male, well, it's a jolt every time because they've stayed behind. They don't see me, they don't know me, and we all want to be seen.

Oh I feel as if I'm with you... but I'm also a bit, sneaky. Or at least I think I am? 😉

I've seen my share of REALLY GOOD coaches who teach through fear and intimidation. They have their players constantly on their toes, hyper-aware, always nervous of being yelled at... and in that state of rapid heartbeat and fight/flight some people really step up. 

But those are also the players who, years later, share the "war" stories with each other.

The GREAT coaches get the players to play loose. To let them think they're playing their style, while slowly bringing them into the coaches' system. These players would run through a wall for their coach and these teams are always the most unified and longest-lasting.

My point? I'm not socially transitioned yet. So the last thing I need is for people to suddenly be on pins and needles with me. So I'm telling everyone, I know you're supportive - do your best - and don't worry about what you say. I'm not saying it doesn't matter. I'm just saying do their best and I will never take offense.

This encourages them to do their best. Which, I believe, they will. And as my transition goes further, and they get more comfortable, I hope/assume they'll continue to get better at things, just in step with my actual transition. And it will all feel safe and natural to them... and they won't want to avoid conversations with me, or suddenly be overthinking things. The hope is, mistakes will dwindle, because when they make one they'll move on and try to do better instead of feeling like they just knocked over a very expensive vase in someone's home.

THAT is my theory, anyway.

Maybe it's preposterous? But it's what I'm working with...

Love,
Allie

P.S. Yea, not a cluster-free night. So consider me wolloped. But luckily it was relatively short (fewer than 45 minutes).

[Oldandcreaky]

I hope your approach works for you, Allie. It certainly has so far.

Say, how has the prevalence of pain shaped your world view? I only had one migraine in my life and I've never forgotten it and I also don't forget how you basically stated that a cluster headache is to migraines as Godzilla is to Gila monsters. So, your cluster headaches are beyond my ken and I'm wondering how being walloped most days has shaped you.

[imallie]

I hope your approach works for you, Allie. It certainly has so far.

Say, how has the prevalence of pain shaped your world view? I only had one migraine in my life and I've never forgotten it and I also don't forget how you basically stated that a cluster headache is to migraines as Godzilla is to Gila monsters. So, your cluster headaches are beyond my ken and I'm wondering how being walloped most days has shaped you.

Well, I'll admit that it took me a bit to get here... there was a lot of why me? And fruitless furrowing down endless rabbit holes of causes, cures, etc... all of which started to lead me into a very dark place. A place where pain is the dominate factor in your life.

Because you're either IN pain, or complaining about/worrying about/thinking about your pain — the why's, the when will it return, etc etc.

And then one day it just clicked.

Yes, this sucks. I am in pain 14+ hours a day. It objectively sucks. It's 11:46 am here, and just about five minutes ago I could feel, in the daily parlance we use here "my fuse light" - which means the migraine for the day has started — and it will last until the cluster at 1:07 am.

It will wax and wane on the pain scale. And because my tolerance is through the roof I can sometimes function with it, but my instinct is always to just hide under a pillow.

But I don't.

What I learned is that I can't do anything about the 14 hours. I have a team of people working on that. They're really good at what they do. What I can do is listen to them. Do what they say. Yes, I question everything. I make sure it's explained to me. I take an active role in my treatment, but I leave it to the experts.

What I control is the rest of the day. When I'm not in migraine. I make sure I suck the marrow out of those hours. And yes, I do push things off that are doable during a migraine to migraine times... but I try my best to always be pushing myself. And sometimes it lays me out for a few days afterwards. Like when we go on a vacation. That drains me. For the week after I'm a puddle of goo.  But it's 100% worth it. No regrets.

So the basics answer is, a pain life has taught me to appreciate what I have and not complain about what I don't, especially the things that aren't in my control. Doing that just wastes the precious resources that ARE in my control.

I seriously hope, when these headaches end, I continue to apply these lessons to the way I live a life with more real hours in it.

[Oldandcreaky]

Thank you, Allie.

You, as a fellow journalist, you understand the propensity to ask: "Can you tell me a little more about that?"

Our shared curiosity connects us, as does our love of language.

So, you also understand how much I appreciate the clarity of your answer, its concision and precision. You let me see beyond my ken.

[imallie]

I'm glad it makes some sense and helps you understand a bit.

There's a fine line between explaining and complaining, and I really don't care much to get that close to it if I can help it. It's always a challenge when talking about things like this.

[Oldandcreaky]

You illuminated. Not a whiff of whining.

[imallie]

Ok.... *deep sigh*

First set of friend notes sent. Six in total.  This is who we settled on as "phase one" on Sunday on the ride home from the beach.

Have to say I'm more nervous about this than I was about my sisters. Not because of any political leaning or prejudices ... but, I think, because part of you thinks that family kind of HAS to stick with you through thick and thin... but friendship is a bond of shared experience, interests, and support. And you're worried that something that could monumentally upset that balance could shake it, I suppose?

I don't know, honestly. I just know that I feel it in the pit of my stomach. And I shut down my email, and (successfully this time) turned off the haptics on my watch... which I have covered by my sleeve and I'm trying very hard not to peak at.  At least for an hour or so. I need to decompress a bit.

[Lori Dee]

Relax.
Things will work themselves out.
Breathe.

Hugs!

[Oldandcreaky]

Fingers crossed and thinkin' good thoughts.