Allie's Blog IV: Revenge of Allie's Blog

[Lori Dee]

I think it is primarily a "you" thing, not related to transition. You are a kind person, always thinking of others. Look at all the time and effort that went into your coming-out letters. I spent about 30 minutes on the phone with each, then left them to deal with it. 

I tell people that I won't get upset if they make a mistake and use the wrong name. I've been hearing that name for 65 years. A little late to get upset about it. HOWEVER, my legal name is Lori, so I would prefer they use that. Almost everyone complies. Only my dad has issues, but that's something he is dealing with, and he does try so I let it slide.

[Jessica_Rose]

Actually, I felt the same as you. In my coming out letter, I told everyone they could call me Jessica, Jessie, or Jess, and that I knew it would take come time to adjust. I didn't want people to be scared that I would pounce on them if they accidentally used my old name -- habits are hard to break. Some people caught on quickly, others took a little more time. Within a month or so, all of the people I dealt with frequently had transitioned to my new name. The people who took the longest were those I had less contact with, like my parents, siblings, and their families. Some of those took a year or two for reprogramming. I did begin correcting them more forcefully after a year or so - my charity and sanity has limits.

Love always -- Jess

[imallie]

Actually, I felt the same as you. In my coming out letter, I told everyone they could call me Jessica, Jessie, or Jess, and that I knew it would take come time to adjust. I didn't want people to be scared that I would pounce on them if they accidentally used my old name -- habits are hard to break. Some people caught on quickly, others took a little more time. Within a month or so, all of the people I dealt with frequently had transitioned to my new name. The people who took the longest were those I had less contact with, like my parents, siblings, and their families. Some of those took a year or two for reprogramming. I did begin correcting them more forcefully after a year or so - my charity and sanity has limits.

Love always -- Jess

One thing I know I can do is start signing my emails with my new name (normally I don't sign my emails with a name at all... I mean, who does, really?) But I figure if I do that a few times it'll gently make the point.

I brought up this whole conversation with my wife tonight while we were eating dinner and she just shook her head and smiled as if to say "yeah, you always do that." And then she said simply "it's really ok to tell people who care about you what you'd like."

[imallie]

I think it is primarily a "you" thing, not related to transition. You are a kind person, always thinking of others. Look at all the time and effort that went into your coming-out letters. I spent about 30 minutes on the phone with each, then left them to deal with it. 

I tell people that I won't get upset if they make a mistake and use the wrong name. I've been hearing that name for 65 years. A little late to get upset about it. HOWEVER, my legal name is Lori, so I would prefer they use that. Almost everyone complies. Only my dad has issues, but that's something he is dealing with, and he does try so I let it slide.

I'm QUITE sure you're underselling your process, Lori. 😉

For example, so far I've told.. hmmm... about 35 family members? And nearly 20 friends? And I cannot imagine if I'd spent 30 minutes on the phone with each of them? That blows my mind. You're a warrior if you did that!

No... I've always been able to leverage my ability to write myself out of a lot of messes in life, and I guess this is the cherry on the top of them. Or, god bless us, I sure hope it is.

[Lori Dee]

True, you have many, many more people to tell than I. Only five people for me, so got it done in an evening.    Everyone else is either not in contact with me or only knows me as Lori. One of the benefits of moving out of state.

Of those I lost contact with, my attitude is:

"If my absence doesn't matter, then my presence didn't matter."

[imallie]

True, you have many, many more people to tell than I. Only five people for me, so got it done in an evening.    Everyone else is either not in contact with me or only knows me as Lori. One of the benefits of moving out of state.

Of those I lost contact with, my attitude is:

"If my absence doesn't matter, then my presence didn't matter."

I like that expression.

The guideline I'm currently working with right now is - not whether I want someone to know, but whether or not I would feel badly if they heard it from someone else as oppose to from me directly.  If it doesn't matter to me? Then, not be callous, but I have a lot of other things on my list and I need to prioritize.

[imallie]

Getting ready to leave for our week in DC on Saturday... and I was looking back at some pics from our last visit, 12 years ago.

I mean... 🙄

The two versions of me are "to say the least" quite a bit different. And I don't think anyone would think the new version is the one who is 12 years older. Every time I think things are going slowly, or I'm not happy with my progress or whatever... I just paired up these two pics to remind myself to STFU. 🤫😉😂

[imallie]

Speaking of our DC trip... thought a lot about it tonight... and its likely we will post some pics from the trip on Facebook. Maybe only pics in "guy mode"? But if I do end up in "girl mode" all of the time? We might just decide "what the heck" that now is as good a time as any.

The reason I mention this, is that spurred me on to revisit my list... and I came up with four more friends whom I definitely would feel guilty about should they learn the news any way other than directly from me. *sigh*

So I fired up the 'ol note writtin' machine... and cranked out a new, even slimmer draft for these folks.

Figure I'll send those out tomorrow. I believe that'll bring the total number of people to whom I sent notes to an even 60. That seems like enough.

I also REALLY want to double back and follow up with the one really dear friend I didn't hear from in the batch of 11 over the weekend (I didn't hear from three, but one in particular.)  But not sure if I should, or will. Need to sleep on it.

Love,
Allie

[Maid Marion]

Wow!  I couldn't do all that personalized writing!
I'd  rather just out myself on Facebook!  Maybe with the new girl where I used to work that outed herself!

Marion

[imallie]

Wow!  I couldn't do all that personalized writing!
I'd  rather just out myself on Facebook!  Maybe with the new girl where I used to work that outed herself!

Marion

Definitely thought about that Marion... but I think there are people whom I wanted to know personally... and then there are so many people with whom I am friends with on facebook that... I don't know... will they really care? So I think we're skipping the step where we post anything like that on FB.

We will just start living our lives, posting photos like we normally do.. and people who don't know will catch up. And those who don't like it can/will leave.

But I very much appreciate where you are coming from, and it was something we thought of.  When you say that's what you WOULD do... does that mean you haven't? I always assumed you were fully out already, Marion? Is that not the case?

[imallie]

Continued my little streak of meeting up with friends, this time my best friend (who lives mostly in NYC and CT) had meetings in NH, so he was passing through on the way home, and he stopped over and we went to breakfast.

Took him to a great little diner, a place that has several times been named the best diner in the US. It's quite a place.  "Miss Worcester's" for those interested.

Anyway, he and I are all good and have been since the first conversation ... but he did say something very funny this morning I wanted to share.

"I spoke to my wife and... well, she gave me her approval to have a girlfriend. As long as it's you." 😂

[davina61]

Great to have friends with a good sense of humour.

[imallie]

Great to have friends with a good sense of humour.

Could not agree more! 😘

[Maid Marion]

I have a very female looking  profile pic on Facebook but I've left it to my friends to connect the dots.

The girl I mentioned had the audacity to post before and after pics!

I got a Connecticut Jury summons and put down "X" as the gender marker.
First time I've done that on any government document.

[Lori Dee]

I deleted my old Facebook account many years ago. My current account is me fully "out". Same profile pic, my profile says Trans Female (AMAB), but it is not available to search engines. Anybody from Susan's who wants to Friend me is welcome to.

[imallie]

I have a very female looking  profile pic on Facebook but I've left it to my friends to connect the dots.

The girl I mentioned had the audacity to post before and after pics!

I got a Connecticut Jury summons and put down "X" as the gender marker.
First time I've done that on any government document.

Makes perfect sense! And yeah, I couldn't see doing the public before & after pictures... although I do understand for some people their transition IS their identity, so in that case, it makes sense and god bless them.

[imallie]

I deleted my old Facebook account many years ago. My current account is me fully "out". Same profile pic, my profile says Trans Female (AMAB), but it is not available to search engines. Anybody from Susan's who wants to Friend me is welcome to.

My wife and I considered this option, Lori... because, I don't know, you picked the clean, logical choice (not surprising!).

But my profile has a lot of our history, and I don't have a problem with a moment of my history leading up to today.. and just because my packaging is changing... its still the same history, just a new chapter.  So we will continue with my same page.

Thing is, it'll be interesting to see over the next year or so whether or not that was actually a good idea or not.

[Moonflower]

By the way, is this a transition thing, or a "me" thing? I'd really appreciate some feedback.

I'm always deflecting and not advocating for what I want... even when asked a direct question. I think because I'm always looking to make someone else comfortable and happy, and I feel selfish asking for "me" things.  But like I said, I don't know if it related to being in transition, transgender in general... or just plain little ol me?

This morning, I reminded my wife of when she used to accuse me of trying to talk her out of everything that she wanted. I GREATLY appreciate that she doesn't EVER do that any more. It sounds similar to your situation.

About a year ago, I took the problem to my therapist. It was really bothering me. As a result, I found many occasions to tell my wife that I always want her to have what she wants. I sincerely meant it, and in a few weeks, she got it. I also make sure that I'm often asking her what she wants or prefers, and giving her plenty of time to answer.

Like your wife said, many people want to know what you want/prefer.

I'm delighted by my wife's suggestions and requests. Sounds like your wife and closest friends/family are, too.

[Lori Dee]

My wife and I considered this option, Lori... because, I don't know, you picked the clean, logical choice (not surprising!).

But my profile has a lot of our history, and I don't have a problem with a moment of my history leading up to today.. and just because my packaging is changing... its still the same history, just a new chapter.  So we will continue with my same page.

Perfectly understandable. I deleted my account for different reasons, many years before my transition. I was spending too much time in Facebook jail and decided it wasn't worth it. I had commented on a post, stating that the post was untrue. I got a one-day ban. When I came back, I publicly questioned if that was fair, because I stated the post was untrue and agreed with the Facebook Fact Check. That got me a three-day ban. Of course, by then I was livid and went a little "ape-snake" and earned myself a seven-day ban. After that, I deleted the account. I started this new account after I started transitioning.

I understand keeping yours for historical reasons. I had been using it to stay in touch with relatives all over the country. They don't seem to miss my account. I have a few close friends on the new account and that's ok with me. I prefer quality over quantity.

[Moonflower]

Look at all the time and effort that went into your coming-out letters. I spent about 30 minutes on the phone with each, then left them to deal with it. 

My wife wrote a personalized letter to all but 2 people whom she wanted to come out to (my youngest daughter and me). Like you, Allie, they were letters over a period of time. Like you, Lori, they were individualized. She sent the first 5 letters Fall 2018. She sent her last 3 this year.

Her relationships are very personal and individual, and she felt MUCH more comfortable sharing her trans experience in writing. Each letter had many drafts as she sorted out what she wanted to say, and how that particular person could relate to her experience. She uses no social media or forums or group letters/chats.

She came out to me unexpectedly and spontaneously in person. She came out to my youngest kid on Zoom after preparing a script, which she didn't follow.