As noted recently (and noted...and noted... and noted... my apologies. Writers write. We can't really help it. I know it can be annoying, trust me... but NOT writing is like holding in a sneeze -- really can't be done for long, and it's really uncomfortable!) life and transition has been moving at a breakneck clip in the last few weeks.
All good, all great.
But before the next few days, the rest of the week really, ramps back up... I kind of took today to do some reflecting. I took a pause on filling out name change papers, I didn't come out to anyone, etc. Just sat and thought about where I've been, where I'm at and where I'm going.
One thing that struck me was how, up until the last three weeks, there was always this nagging doubt in the back of my mind. Not the "is this who I am"? but more "did I need to do all this -- to put everyone through all this? Is it worth it?"
I know there are some who feel like self-doubt stops people from acting. And in some cases it absolutely does. You can't take a leap if you're unsure if you're going to make it. But I also think it's healthy to continually question. You can't ask a question once in the beginning and consider it settled for all time. It's a constant reevaluation.
I will say this, though, the moment that topper went on my head? From that moment forward I have had absolutely no doubt and no fear about anything. Which is why these last few weeks have been leap after successful leap, I imagine.
But even so, that is still this phase of things. As we move now into surgical consults, and other life decisions, I imagine healthy doubts and constant reexamination will start back up. And I'm good with all of that.
And lastly, a lot of times I look to Mark Twain for a quote to kind of sum up where I am in any given situation. They aren't hard to find, and they're as fresh and funny and true today as they were 150 years ago.
The one I have stuck in my head today is one that I actually came across about four years ago... when I was making the decision to speak to a therapist and finally explore the idea of ... all of this.
"Give everyday a chance to become the most beautiful day of your life."
I think I must of lived with that for a month back then. And I don't think I'd thought about it in a few years until today.
But I do know... I'm finally, for the first time in my life, doing this.
I've had a wonderful, amazing life up to this point. I'm blessed with wonderful family, great friends, I had a difficult but unique career path that set me on some pretty amazing adventures and put me in situations and places and allowed me to meet people that most people simply don't get.
But with all that? Until I started this process... knowing I was holding all this in. Knowing I was denying myself the chance to be my true self... as great as a day could be, in my head I could always quickly point to that one thing that could make it so much better.
But now? Well now when I wake up every day ... sure I still have my debilitating headaches and all that. And miles to go on this whole transition process. However, every day now HAS THE CHANCE to be that day that Twain mentioned. And just that chance makes all the difference.
Ok...break's over. Back to the salt mine tomorrow morning. There's work to be done.
Love,
Allie
