Fun/instructive day at the beach. Have to admit, the lessons? They come whizzing by pretty fast right now... don't blink or you'll miss 'em! 😉
First of all - the whole tankini outfit thing? As with everything else, once on it just "clicked" into place and felt right. After that moment I don't think I spent a second considering what I was wearing until taking it off when we got back to the hotel.
My wife's family is the polar opposite of mine. Where for my sisters, my situation is EVERYTHING... for my wife's? It's nothing, really. When we met them at the beach there were hugs and some "you look fabulous" platitudes (earned or not) and after that it was just another day at the beach. It's funny, if both families were like this maybe I'd feel a bit ignored... just like if both families were like mine it would be too much. Heck, just mine being like mine is honestly too much sometimes. But the combination is really the sweet spot.
Imposter syndrome, however was in full bloom today... despite the world's concerted effort to tell me to cut that sh*t out. As mentioned, my sisters-in-law said some nice things... which I made dismissive jokes about. My wife shook her head and assured me they were being honest.
I, of course, believe she's telling me the truth. However... there's a part of my brain that doesn't process it yet. I apologize for not sharing public photos (I few of you have seen me... the rest? You're not missing much, trust me!) but the fact is... I look ok. For my age, for just doing this for a few weeks, for only being on a full dose of HRT since November, etc etc etc... whatever excuses I can add... I look ok.
And I think, even looking ok must be a bit of a surprise to me. I don't know what I expected... but it clearly wasn't this. I know it's not much, but even this much I don't think, in my mind for all the years I sat on this.... I don't think I thought was attainable. Likely because I thought so little of myself. I felt I was an ugly person for dealing with all this. For hiding it. And so the real me would be ugly. Or more likely, because I have three beautiful sisters and I just felt by comparison I was going to look like a slab of bacon.
So anyway, when I keep getting feedback to the contrary... I haven't been able to process it. Or I most always dismiss it as kindness. Of friends, of family... and of strangers, I guess. But I know it's the imposter syndrome.And I know the main cure is just time and self-forgiveness. I can do those things.
There were two instances today, which we discussed this evening as kind of indisputable evidence that at least I'm figuring something out. The beach was packed today (heatwave here on the east coast of the US... so people flocked down to the beaches). After a beautiful lunch with family, the wife and I stopped at a restroom.
Yeah, I've gotten past the women's restroom thing, apparently. I just noticed that. 😂 Anyway, there was a line, and we were standing in it and a few women started chatting with us about the beach that day, and the changing room, and a few other things... and this was 2-3 middle aged women who clearly just saw us as two more of their peer group. It was pretty cool, actually.
And then after a family get together this evening, we stoped by a favorite pizza place to get a quick pie (we were still starving). Did waiters, waitresses, other patrons notice me? Who knows... I am just living my life... I don't look and don't care. Which ironically gives off a vibe which probably makes it less likely they will notice me.
However, as we are finishing up... they seat next to us... VERY next to us (close tables) a couple. The guy? Well, he was directly facing me (and I him) so I could clearly see some of his many many tattoos. "Trust no one"... "Take Back Your Government By Any Means Necessary" This is OUR Country"... and a whole bunch of Roman numeral tattoos that I have no idea what they mean other than I know they didn't stand for "Trans people are A-OK in my book." 😂
This guy definitely saw me... we made eye contact at one point... I smiled... and he went back to talking to his girlfriend / stepford wife / kidnapping victim ....whomever she was. "He is a very simple man," she told the waitress. "He does NOT want any of your fancy pizzas. Just pizza, cheese and pepperoni, that is all."Theres' so much to unpack there but I'll just leave it.
Needless to say, he was NOT being nice by not saying something to me. This is a person who very much would have at the very least said something if not made me feel uncomfortable/intimidated.
So am I cured of imposter syndrome. God no. But tomorrow is another day at the beach. And with today's experience behind me, I expect to take a few steps down the right path.
Love,
Allie
