Allie's Blog IV: Revenge of Allie's Blog

[Oldandcreaky]

Does my NOT correcting him in the eyes of some mean I'm ok with the misgendering? Well, I hope not, but I'll take that chance I guess.

After 40 years of being misgendered here and there by family and old friends, here's the solution I've realized, the fix-it, the cure-all, the summation of what I've gleaned from their blunders and my consequent hurt:

[imallie]

After 40 years of being misgendered here and there by family and old friends, here's the solution I've realized, the fix-it, the cure-all, the summation of what I've gleaned from their blunders and my consequent hurt:

❤️

I'm so sorry you've had to endure so much for so long.

So I'm NO position to assess anything after just a few months.

All I know is that I'm going to endeavor to judge intent over performance, lifetimes over moments and when I find it necessary to correct or educate, always try to do so with just that purpose in mind - never to punish, humiliate or make someone feel less than. If I make people watch their words around me they might find it's just easier to spend their words speaking with others who are less judgemental.

Not saying I can do any/all of that. But it's aspirational. And I can try.

[Oldandcreaky]

All I know is that I'm going to endeavor to judge intent over performance, lifetimes over moments and when I find it necessary to correct or educate, always try to do so with just that purpose in mind - never to punish, humiliate or make someone feel less than.

If this works for you, I'll do my very best to take your tack. However, I arched an eyebrow at this:

If I make people watch their words around me they might find it's just easier to spend their words speaking with others who are less judgemental

You matter too, Allie. Your comfort. Being seen. Being loved, not as an abstraction, but in action and one of those actions is getting the basic descriptors down.

And I matter too. So, rather than be perpetually patient with old friends, I've found it easier to find new friends, who see me as I am and address me accordingly.

I'm curious about whether your patience will fray as a few of your old friends don't bother to see and address you currently, as you are, as you present, and, of course, as you've always been.

[imallie]

If this works for you, I'll do my very best to take your tack. However, I arched an eyebrow at this:

You matter too, Allie. Your comfort. Being seen. Being loved, not as an abstraction, but in action and one of those actions is getting the basic descriptors down.

And I matter too. So, rather than be perpetually patient with old friends, I've found it easier to find new friends, who see me as I am and address me accordingly.

I'm curious about whether your patience will fray as a few of your old friends don't bother to see and address you currently, as you are, as you present, and, of course, as you've always been.

That's why I said - it's only been a few months. Let's see how much of that holds up and how much of the old jaded me peeks through. I do imagine it (being misgendered) getting very old very fast, but... I don't know... I really always have been a people pleaser at heart, so that plays into this too.

You've lived it, though. So I 100% defer to your judgement. I'll just try to do the best I can. 

[Lori Dee]

I know the feeling. For the most part, people seem to attempt to correct themselves on their own. But my dad still wrestles with it after years of "making mistakes". He is my father, and 87 years old, so I tend to not say anything. But as you said, it gets old after a while.

[Oldandcreaky]

Lori, 99.9% of the time, I'm seen as female. the 0.1% is when someone from 50 years ago sees me as I was 40 years ago. It's a jolt and he yanks me back to my painful past. It's a comfortable past for them, which is why they linger there.

[davina61]

My 88 year old mum still says he without thinking, talking to the builder painting the garage doors this morning. He knows me and said hi (dead name) but then corrected . TBH the only friends I carried over were the folks in the hot rod club and as we already have another trans member it was easy.

[imallie]

Yeah... and maybe this is me being pessimistic, or fatalistic? I like to think it's just realistic, however.

Despite how WILDY supportive my friends and family have been and continue to be.. with name and correctly gendering, etc, I know there's no world in which they ever forgot my journey. The best I can hope is that they outwardly treat me like a woman, but to think that they will ever truly "see" me that way? I don't see how.

Again, this is not to throw cold water. This has nothing to do with my look, my manners, my presentation, etc.. it's all just shared history. So I think them treating me as a woman, and being respectful and doing their best to see me how I see myself... that is all I can ask of that group.

Real affirmation needs to come from within. And hey, if I need to supplement that with some external juice? There's always the kindness of strangers. 😘

[imallie]

Piece of mail arrived today ... addressed to my new first and middle name.

It's my official court order - my legal name change is approved and official.

Onward. 😘

[imallie]

And when I say "onward"... I mean it.  Just booked my appt at RMV to update my license for the 29th. would do it sooner but we'll be in NYC that entire week previous (and they have nothing available during this upcoming week).

[Lori Dee]

It's my official court order - my legal name change is approved and official.

Congratulations! You are officially and legally YOU!

[EllenW]

Congratulations on the name change.Does it also include a change form M to F?

Ellen

[imallie]

Congratulations on the name change.Does it also include a change form M to F?

Ellen

Nope Ellen. As I understand it now:

I can next get my real id/driver's license using the court order.  I can choose to change my gender on that just by choice.  So that's next.

I will also be applying for a new social security card. The court order is sufficient to change my name on that, but to change my official national gender marker I need an official letter from my doctor.  As I am seeing my Endo on Tuesday I will ask her to do that. 

Then I can apply for a passport using my new license and my old birth certificate.  The gender on my license should be sufficient for that. 

If I then want to update my birth certificate I can do that too. 

[imallie]

Congratulations! You are officially and legally YOU!

Weird, right? And now I go on a quixotic quest to try to get my name changed everywhere. 😂

[EllenW]

Thanks Allie,

It is a little different in California. The court order changing my name also changed my gender marker. All I needed at the Social Security office and the passport office was the court order and they changed both my name and gender marker.

Ellen

[Lori Dee]

In my court paperwork, I had to submit "evidence" to justify the legal name change. I submitted the letter from my Endocrinologist stating that I had completed the required clinical procedures to change my gender from male to female. Since it was part of the court documents, they changed the marker on my driver's license and Social Security records without any questions.

[imallie]

Thanks Allie,

It is a little different in California. The court order changing my name also changed my gender marker. All I needed at the Social Security office and the passport office was the court order and they changed both my name and gender marker.

Ellen

Yeah, that would be easier. Just 1-2 more hoops to jump through here in MA. It's ok, I've got my HOKAs on.

[imallie]

Oh and one little bit of sour news today... got my labs back in anticipation of my endo appt on Tuesday.

All my blood work looked excellent, health-wise (so that's good), and my testosterone continues to crater so that's good. But my estradiol? For the second consecutive testing (every three months) it's dropped. It was 99 in January, 66 in May, and 51 today.

I really don't get it. Pretty soon I'll be covered in patches.     But whatever it takes.

My endo feels strongly that patches are a much safer course for the body than pills, and she's not a fan of injections (mostly because she feels there isn't enough research).  Obviously I've heard anecdotal tales of success stories of people using both...but I both really like and trust that she has my health, progress and well-being at heart, so I will always ask questions, but in the end I will listen to what my doctor recommends.

For now, I'll just focus on the good stuff.

Feeling good, looking better than I thought, name official, makeup tutorial on Monday, and then in two weeks an awesome week in NYC with my best friend and love of my life.  So... what do I have to complain about?

 

[Lori Dee]

My endo feels strongly that patches are a much safer course for the body than pills, and she's not a fan of injections (mostly because she feels there isn't enough research). 

That is exactly what happened to me. Your Endo is right because pills pass through the liver and lose "potency" and it is the metabolites (leftovers) that cause the risks of cancer, etc. Patches bypass the liver and go straight to the bloodstream.

Are the patches you are using Mylan brand? A few thousand other people and I have reported problems with that brand ever since they reformulated their adhesive. Grove and Sandoz are reputable, maybe Doc can switch brands for you.

For me, the current theory is that I am a fast metabolizer. Injections are usually a last resort. It breaks the skin, risking infection. The dosage is higher because it is injected into the fatty tissue (subcutaneous) or muscle. The theory is that sub-q works similarly to patches in that it is absorbed into the fat, and then leeches out into the bloodstream providing a bit of a buffer.

I was warned that the level swings of high and low are more drastic than with patches, but the hope was that my lows would still be higher than I currently was. I am at week three and my next dose will be on Tuesday. I have had no ill effects and I feel as though my levels are back on track. The next labs are in a month, so I'll know for certain then.

[imallie]

That is exactly what happened to me. Your Endo is right because pills pass through the liver and lose "potency" and it is the metabolites (leftovers) that cause the risks of cancer, etc. Patches bypass the liver and go straight to the bloodstream.

Are the patches you are using Mylan brand? A few thousand other people and I have reported problems with that brand ever since they reformulated their adhesive. Grove and Sandoz are reputable, maybe Doc can switch brands for you.

For me, the current theory is that I am a fast metabolizer. Injections are usually a last resort. It breaks the skin, risking infection. The dosage is higher because it is injected into the fatty tissue (subcutaneous) or muscle. The theory is that sub-q works similarly to patches in that it is absorbed into the fat, and then leeches out into the bloodstream providing a bit of a buffer.

I was warned that the level swings of high and low are more drastic than with patches, but the hope was that my lows would still be higher than I currently was. I am at week three and my next dose will be on Tuesday. I have had no ill effects and I feel as though my levels are back on track. The next labs are in a month, so I'll know for certain then.

Mine are Sandoz. Not sure if they've always been or not... I can't recall.

The only thing I know about my metabolism? Whenever I'd get Novocain at the dentist he'd forever have to continually redose and redose me, as it wore off really quickly. No idea if those two things are remotely related or not.

Good luck with your next labs!