Allie's Blog IV: Revenge of Allie's Blog

[Sephirah]

Ha!

The weird thing about being misgendered is that you go out and about, living your new life, and everyone who sees you for their first time sees you as Allie because you look like Allie, but the people who first saw you way back when are still seeing you way back when.

Transpeople aren't the only ones who are confounded by eyes that see the past. A mother who asserts that her 50-year old daughter will always be her baby never adapted. Same with the 92-year old father who looks at his 70-year old son as someone to be overseen rather than a peer.

This is very true, and very insightful. People see those around them as snapshots of the people they used to know. I saw a friend of mine from school (I guess you US folks would call it High School) the other day, and even though he's like middle aged now, I still immediately saw him as an unruly 13-year old. It immediately snapped me back like 30 years. In one glance.

It's funny how that works.

[imallie]

I don't do a good job sharing these when they come up. It's not like they're flying in every day, but they do pop up on occasion, and they're an awfully nice surprise when they do.

Today's was a Facebook message from someone I'd last seen in 1983 (senior year of High School):

—————
Hey [new name]  I hope you are doing well and that people are supportive and accepting.  Ultimately what matters is that you are good and comfortable, seeing you on Facebook it sure seems so.  That is a gift to be at peace with who you are.  I am happy for you.

———-

FYI ... my response:

Thanks [name]! Wife, son, family friends etc - everyone has been beyond supportive which has made everything as easy as possible.  And every once in a while I get these really thoughtful notes from friends in the past that totally make my day.  So... thanks. ❤️ Hope all is well with you!
————-

Love,
Allie

[Oldandcreaky]

Lovely note and lovely response.

[imallie]

Played a little game of "Misgender Monday" today... *sigh*

None of it intentional, I don't believe, but annoying in that I thought I'd pulled on that particular thread.

I had to reschedule a neurology appointment, so I called the hospital and got the generic scheduler -- who pulled up my info (which I know has my new name since I updated it there a few weeks ago).  But she confirmed everything... double checking on my insurance, etc (as you do) and SOMETHING there must have had my old name -- so that despite my voice, my calling myself my new name and it being on the scree in front of her, when she couldn't reschedule and had to reach out to neuro, I heard her typing (she's one of those people who softly speaks the words they type  ).. "He needs to reschedule.... His... etc etc."

So when I got a call from Neuro, they asked for my old name -- I replied with my correct one, and we rescheduled.

Again, both women were nothing but nice and absolutely had no idea they were doing anything wrong. And I wasn't bothered by it EXCEPT in that I missed something. THAT bothered me.

----

Real time update.

As I was typing this, on the other screen I was in my account and saw I hadn't uploaded my new insurance card yet. So if the first women was going off of THAT, she'd have had my old name. And if she sent that name and info to neuro... it makes sense they'd have called me asking for someone by that name.

So hopefully I just closed up that hole.  We'll see.

[D'Amalie]

Played a little game of "Misgender Monday" today... *sigh*
None of it intentional, I don't believe, but annoying in that I thought I'd pulled on that particular thread.
So hopefully I just closed up that hole.  We'll see.

The devil is in the details, eh?  Sorry you had such a downer experience.

[imallie]

The devil is in the details, eh?  Sorry you had such a downer experience.

Thanks, D'Amalie -but it was really just a blip. More annoying than anything else. It never happens to me, so it has to mean it was triggered by something I haven't yet updated that I thought I did. We'll see if I corrected it on Friday when I have my appointment (it's telehealth - so the neuro nurse will call me a few minutes beforehand to make sure I'm ready, and I'll see how she addresses me. If she calls me by the wrong name then, I'll ask her if she can find the soft spot in the program and fix it.)

And when I say rare -- today I was, appearance-wise, at my worst. It was an electrolysis day, so I hadn't shaved my face in two days... which makes me feel self-conscious about any visible stubble.  But I had to go into the hospital for lab work, and the nurse at the desk was super sweet to me and engaged in that very different girl-to-girl way I'm now growing accustomed to (and can certainly differentiate from how I was treated as a guy), plus the other staff when talking about me were all "her" and "she" and "miss" etc...

It's just how it goes for me, luckily.

When I got to my next appointment, my electrologist came out and said "Oh my, don't you look cute today!". To which I replied "I KNOW!"

We had a good laugh about that. But I did look pretty cute, I thought. 

Love,
Allie

[imallie]

Oh, also heard from the insurance concierge person we were put in contact with through our transgender resource person at my wife's employer.

She answered (mostly) a bunch of the questions I had about how surgery was handled in terms of our out of pocket expenses, approvals, etc.

But she also mentioned in her first note, something about electrolysis being covered. From the policy I'd read, only electrolysis in preparation for bottom surgery was covered, facial work was considered "cosmetic" or whatever and not covered.

She said she could code it for me to be covered AND allow me to be reimbursed for my previous twelve months of treatments! Now... we'll believe it when we see it, as there are still hoops to be jumped through. But that would be quite a thing, if true.

Almost a bit of found money, at this point.

Fingers crossed.

[Lori Dee]

Sometimes nurses can be so awesome.

I had an incident a few years ago when I was checking out after a dermatology appointment. Since my dermatologist is screening for skin cancer, I don't wear any makeup to my dermatology appointments.

The receptionist was unclear about something for the next appointment and called my nurse to the desk. She misgendered me a couple of times while explaining to the nurse what information she needed. The nurse corrected her saying, "SHE needs to come back in six months".

The receptionist apologized to me a few times for saying "he" and "his". When we finished, I saw my nurse in the hall and thanked her for sticking up for me. She said she was happy to make the correction, for as long as she has known me I have always been Lori. "It is who you are."

That hit me right in the feels.

[imallie]

Sometimes nurses can be so awesome.

I had an incident a few years ago when I was checking out after a dermatology appointment. Since my dermatologist is screening for skin cancer, I don't wear any makeup to my dermatology appointments.

The receptionist was unclear about something for the next appointment and called my nurse to the desk. She misgendered me a couple of times while explaining to the nurse what information she needed. The nurse corrected her saying, "SHE needs to come back in six months".

The receptionist apologized to me a few times for saying "he" and "his". When we finished, I saw my nurse in the hall and thanked her for sticking up for me. She said she was happy to make the correction, for as long as she has known me I have always been Lori. "It is who you are."

That hit me right in the feels.

Sweet, sweet SWEET story. Love it.

[Oldandcreaky]

Oh, also heard from the insurance concierge person we were put in contact with through our transgender resource person at my wife's employer.

She answered (mostly) a bunch of the questions I had about how surgery was handled in terms of our out of pocket expenses, approvals, etc.

But she also mentioned in her first note, something about electrolysis being covered. From the policy I'd read, only electrolysis in preparation for bottom surgery was covered, facial work was considered "cosmetic" or whatever and not covered.

She said she could code it for me to be covered AND allow me to be reimbursed for my previous twelve months of treatments! Now... we'll believe it when we see it, as there are still hoops to be jumped through. But that would be quite a thing, if true.

Almost a bit of found money, at this point.

Fingers crossed.

Wow, found money, for sure.

[imallie]

Finally, after all these months — had a face to face (albeit via Zoom) with my primary Neurologist, the first medical professional I came out to and someone I was convinced forgot that I was trans based on our subsequent appointments.

All my system info has my new name, all my scripts are up to date, so he should have seen it... but again, he's a high level doc who deals with big stuff — and we talk about my biggest issues, plus he's like 80 years old, so I know technology is not his friend.

Well it started in the worst way possible. When my zoom opened, my camera wouldn't come on so we were just on audio, and he said "hello (old name) so good to hear from you" and after like 10 seconds the camera clicked on and to his credit he didn't skip a beat. Not a flicker in his eye or anything. He just started using my new name and we talked about what we needed to talk about.

So it was all great — EXCEPT, I do not have closure as to whether or not he remembered I was trans or just learned it today. I guess that will remain one of life's unsolved mysteries. 😉

Oh and in a dramatic case of burying the lede, based off of our discussion, he was VERY encouraged with a lot of the little signals I reported that I might be nearing a headache breakthrough. But regardless, he's convinced we're on the right path.

————

Side note: Mail just arrived and some fall/winter clothing is staring to trickle in. Got a few sweaters and a winter coat from land's end. The coat is so nice. It's an a frame jacket designed for an hourglass figure... and I'm definitely shaped a lot more like a Pillsbury crescent roll container.

So when I get it zipped up I look really good, but I do think breathing is more of a necessity than they tell you about. So I probably need to make sure I lose 10 lbs before the winter... which I knew already. But this is further incentive!

[Lori Dee]

So it was all great — EXCEPT, I do not have closure as to whether or not he remembered I was trans or just learned it today. I guess that will remain one of life's unsolved mysteries. 😉

One of the issues I have is that I forget that I am not their only patient, and also not the most important. It sucks, but it is reality. At a dentist appointment, when the dentist came in, out of the corner of my eye I saw the hygienist point to my name on the computer screen. I have been going to this dentist since 2015, so he knew me pre-transition. But I only see him once or twice a year.

That means I  haven't had enough time to whip him into shape... yet.

[imallie]

One of the issues I have is that I forget that I am not their only patient, and also not the most important. It sucks, but it is reality. At a dentist appointment, when the dentist came in, out of the corner of my eye I saw the hygienist point to my name on the computer screen. I have been going to this dentist since 2015, so he knew me pre-transition. But I only see him once or twice a year.

That means I  haven't had enough time to whip him into shape... yet.

I, however, am unforgettable.  😘

Seriously, though, I get what you mean with some docs... but with something like neurology, trust me, my doc knows me by voice. Being a neurology patient is one of the things that keeps me from taking a dark turn with my headaches, to be honest.

I hope all of you never have to visit a neurology office. But being able to walk in and out under your own power makes you the exception, not the rule. When I visit, despite all the daily pain I endure, I see so many people who have it so much worse than I do, and families that have to deal with the repercussions of it. It can be tough to take.

[Lori Dee]

I had a neurology visit one time. I was in the Emergency Room because I woke up with double vision. Thinking I may have had a stroke in my sleep, I got to the hospital pronto. The neurologist did an exam and ordered a CT Scan of my brain.

The results were that I had a "palsy of the third cranial nerve due to microvascular disease". Translated, that means that one of the tiny blood vessels that feed the nerve that controls the left eye wasn't getting enough blood supply through it. It is apparently, not that rare and usually clears on its own. My treatment was to wear an eye patch which does away with the double vision until the problem clears.

For two weeks I was Lori the Blonde, Local Pirate.

Allie, I had migraines when I was younger and I feel for you. I would not wish that pain on anyone. I think I would rather have a root canal. I am so proud of you for the way you handle it, for not letting it get the better of you, and for continuing to regale us with uplifting stories. You are a true gem. 

[imallie]

I had a neurology visit one time. I was in the Emergency Room because I woke up with double vision. Thinking I may have had a stroke in my sleep, I got to the hospital pronto. The neurologist did an exam and ordered a CT Scan of my brain.

The results were that I had a "palsy of the third cranial nerve due to microvascular disease". Translated, that means that one of the tiny blood vessels that feed the nerve that controls the left eye wasn't getting enough blood supply through it. It is apparently, not that rare and usually clears on its own. My treatment was to wear an eye patch which does away with the double vision until the problem clears.

For two weeks I was Lori the Blonde, Local Pirate.

Allie, I had migraines when I was younger and I feel for you. I would not wish that pain on anyone. I think I would rather have a root canal. I am so proud of you for the way you handle it, for not letting it get the better of you, and for continuing to regale us with uplifting stories. You are a true gem. 

Sorry you had to deal with them, Lori.

And I do appreciate your kind words... but there's a real connection between being transgender and dealing with chronic pain. In many ways, you have no choice but to chart the course that can best lead you through the choppy waters. A normal person would look and say "those waters are way too rough, I don't want any of that"... but we're already in the boat, so we just have to do whatever we can to find land.

With chronic pain -- for me -- that means finding a way to suck all the joy out of each and every day, and never give into self-pity.

With being transgender -- for me -- it means undertaking the insane, frustrating, wonderful, challenging, crazy path that is transition.

[Oldandcreaky]

A normal person would look and say "those waters are way too rough, I don't want any of that"... but we're already in the boat, so we just have to do whatever we can to find land.

Yep, for sure. Finding land is an apt descriptor. I used to say that I had an owner's manual for a female body.

With chronic pain -- for me -- that means finding a way to suck all the joy out of each and every day, and never give into self-pity.

I hope you watched "Deadwood" and if so, I assume you came to love Al. Al's prescription was to take life's inevitable beatings and dole out even worse beatings, but I prefer yours, which is walk the rocky road barefoot, but to extract all possible joy out of every smooth stone.

[Oldandcreaky]

For two weeks I was Lori the Blonde, Local Pirate.

I do hope you drank rum that week and carried a bottle wherever you staggered.

[imallie]

Yep, for sure. Finding land is an apt descriptor. I used to say that I had an owner's manual for a female body.

I hope you watched "Deadwood" and if so, I assume you came to love Al. Al's prescription was to take life's inevitable beatings and dole out even worse beatings, but I prefer yours, which is walk the rocky road barefoot, but to extract all possible joy out of every smooth stone.

No, have never seen Deadwood. It's always been one of those "oh, I should really watch that" series... but I forget about it when it's time to pick something new. But now you've inspired me. I put it on a sticky note so I'll get to it sometimes soon! Thanks!

[Lori Dee]

No, have never seen Deadwood. It's always been one of those "oh, I should really watch that" series... but I forget about it when it's time to pick something new. But now you've inspired me. I put it on a sticky note so I'll get to it sometimes soon! Thanks!

You could always come this way and visit the real Deadwood. Visit the graves of Wild Bill Hickok, Calamity Jane, Seth Bullock, and other notable figures of the Wild West. There are some saloons around that still have bullet holes in the bar!

[Oldandcreaky]

"Deadwood" is profane Shakespeare. Imagine if Billy Shakes wrote with his genius, but the word preferences of a drunk sailor.