Allie's Blog IV: Revenge of Allie's Blog

[imallie]

Ok well first three replies came in and I'm in tears... so... yeah.

Oh damn - good tears, sorry.  I buried the lede on that a bit.

[imallie]

Actually it was 4-for-4... I should have known my one friend (a doctor) who 100% should know better that I cannot talk because of my migraines in the evening ALWAYS tries to call me in the evening would, in fact, call me immediately upon getting the note. I just saw I had a voice mail from him.  It was equally lovely.

By the way, in case people are interested or it helps anyone in the future as a suggestion — the way I approached these letters was different than family.

So far the versions of the letter:

1. For my sisters
2. For the nephews/nieces on my side (to be delivered by my sisters)
3. For my wife's family (written from both of us) — with a note empowering them to share the same note with their children.
4. And now the friend notes - but each of the six were personalized. They were 80-90% the same, but in each there were slight changes in tone based on their relationship with my sisters, or how long they've known me, or a whole bunch of different factors.

The whole thing is to keep in mind that these letters are for the READER so I'm always customizing it with that in mind.

The next "bucket" of friends will, likely, get a more generic friend letter. As that will be a bigger bucket. That's the prevailing thought, anyway.

Ok, I'm literally spent. I could use a cluster-free night... but need to go get ready.

'Night all,
Allie

[Oldandcreaky]

Hooray for you, Allie. And hooray for your wife, for she gets to keep your pals in her world. And most of all, hooray for your friends, for they get to keep Allie and your wife in their worlds.

[imallie]

Hooray for you, Allie. And hooray for your wife, for she gets to keep your pals in her world. And most of all, hooray for your friends, for they get to keep Allie and you in their worlds.

Thanks and yeah, it's been good. Quite a morning, but good.

6-for-6 on the friends. ❤️

Had nice notes from all of them... and have spoken at length to two of them today already, and texted with a third to set up a time to chat on Thursday.  Another we will try to set up a lunch with soon.

Here's just a sampling of a few of the (edited) messages:

Not really sure what to say in an email but you are my friend and that will never change - Am I surprised, yes, but all I want is for you to be happy.I will call you tomorrow!!!
—
Thank you for sharing your letter with me. I respect and love you no matter what. Nothing will change between us-you are still my dear friend and will always be.
—

Hey... I just read your letter and then read it again to [my wife] aloud. My friend... I love you, I will always love you, so thank you for sharing this with me. I and we will always be here for you and our friendship will never die! Let's chat tomorrow.
—
Ok I just got your note, and thank you for letting me know and bringing me in. I'll want to hear all about everything of course, and much more about how you're doing, but wanted to let you know right away that I got it and to say thank you and that I'm proud of you. If there's a good day to talk tomorrow or sometime this week let me know, ok?
I love you, my friend.

There was one bad phone call today:

I ordered Pho for lunch, and I got a call from the restaurant reminding me that they were closed today and they apologized for the website allowing the order to go through. So now I have to have something else for lunch... when I was really looking forward to that.

But you, know, in terms of all the other stuff? All good.  Just EXHAUSTING.

Yours in pho-lessness,
Allie


P.S. Oh, on one of the calls, one of my friends speaking about my wife said the following - "I've told many people, you and your wife are the best friends of any couple I know."  Which is an awfully nice thing to say.

[Oldandcreaky]

Oh, on one of the calls, one of my friends speaking about my wife said the following - "I've told many people, you and your wife are the best friends of any couple I know." 

Love ^this.^

I've loved the entire story of your journey. It gives me broader hope. All the trans-hatred around the world might just be the tip of nothing, a cold, jagged point of hatred with nothing beneath it beyond a desire to manipulate people with an othering, given the number of people in just your life who support you.

[imallie]

Love ^this.^

I've loved the entire story of your journey. It gives me broader hope. All the trans-hatred around the world might just be the tip of nothing, a cold, jagged point of hatred with nothing beneath it beyond a desire to manipulate people with an othering, given the number of people in just your life who support you.

I so agree that it's mostly a grift. One party's attempt to raise money/stoke fear by throwing as many "us vs them" issues against a wall... and when this stuck a bit, they've leaned hard into it. It is only as it slowly dawns on politicians that it is NOT an issue that will win them elections, in fact it seems like it is something of the opposite — that they may drop this issue, so long as they can find something else and/or some ONE else to make the new target.

——

As for my journey? I a glad you feel that way about it. I hope it does provide hope for others. After these 10 days, though, several phone calls, in personal discussions, and emails... I've come to a conclusion. Or, more safely, a theory. One that I hadn't heard before.

My therapist would say tell me she expected my wife and family to be fine, same with my friends etc..and she was right. My wife thought the same. So did I really.

But I don't think that gets to it. What I think?

I think everyone has been incredibly consistent with the people I know them to be.

And, honestly, why would you ever expect otherwise? I'm literally telling them that I am "still me / just me"... and that is what they are as well. All the good, great, quirky, inappropriate, etc... you shouldn't expect people to be anything other than who they are.

For example, just spoke to my friend who is a doctor. He of the call last night when he should know better. He could not have been more supportive. But several times during the discussion I had to cut him off and correct him, telling him he didn't understand as much about HRT as my endo, or the relationship to my headaches as my neuro... etc.  Because he's a GP, and he always talks like that. Always did, always will. So it was actually comforting that we just fell into our regular routine of me saying "yeah, I appreciate that you think you know about a little about this, but my neuro knows a lot more." And us both laughing.

I think there's a lot of comfort in all that too. Feeling people be who they are. I just think it's not necessarily a piece of advice I ever remember hearing.

[Oldandcreaky]

I agree that it's not ubiquitous advice and I find it compelling in that it's sure working for you.

#I'mstillhere

However, you will be changed, albeit slowly. It's a new role. People will approach you differently. You'll see. For example, women confide in me and they assume that I'll understand their perspective. And men are tender toward me.

[imallie]

I agree that it's not ubiquitous advice and I find it compelling in that it's sure working for you.

#I'mstillhere

However, you will be changed, albeit slowly. It's a new role. People will approach you differently. You'll see. For example, women confide in me and they assume that I'll understand their perspective. And men are tender toward me.

Are you distinguishing between new people in your life, or pre-existing people in your life? Wow, got to be a better term for that. My brain is literally fried bologna right now.  And I HATE bologna. 🙄

[Oldandcreaky]

It depends upon how adaptive your current friends are. It's been my experience that old friends and family always hold my old self in reserve, to varying degrees. To really understand the female role and how people perceive and approach women, that'll be mostly new folks.

[imallie]

It depends upon how adaptive your current friends are. It's been my experience that old friends and family always hold my old self in reserve, to varying degrees. To really understand the female role and how people perceive and approach women, that'll be mostly new folks.

That makes sense. I suppose for those who transition in their 20's it might be less so, especially after they've lived longer post-transition than pre... but unless medical science is on the verge of some really keen breakthroughs, that is not going to be my experience.

--

By the way, through the myriad of questions from friends today (and I do think questions are a positive - even inappropriate ones. Someone who is questioning is interested. And interest = caring) came a bunch about surgeries.

I was happy to deflect and just honestly say that I'm at page 15 in the manual, those things are on page 815. So we'll get to them when we get there.

But I also started using this new phrase to describe the three types of surgeries... don't believe I'd heard anyone do this before. And I certainly know I hadn't used it before... but I think I riffed it in conversation #1 and then kept rolling it out in subsequent conversations until, by day's end when my wife came home it is now how I think of them.

A friend asked: "So... there's more than just the one surgery people talk about?"

And I said: "Yes, there's basically three varieties - The Father, Son, and the Holy Ghost"

And, for those acquainted with making the sign of the cross, it really works - the Father (FFS), the Son (bottom surgery in all it's variations), and the Holy Ghost (BA - which you think about while literally touching both breasts in completing the sign).

I know it's stupid, but in my frayed state of mind it continues to tickle me to no end.

[imallie]

No cluster tonight (hooray!) but when that happens that also means my migraine doesn't break... so I need to hit it with one last blast of pain meds and wait until it dissipates to the point that I can sleep.

So while I'm walking that pain/impairment line, just figured I'd share some more thoughts from today.

And I do apologize for so much just raw "navel-gazing" as I called it when chatting with Sara earlier. I told her I feel like the last 10 days when I close my eyes the world literally stops spinning. She said this period is like that so to give myself a pass. And so I shall.

Anyway, as mentioned a few things that, upon reflection, stuck out.

My friend the doctor? Maybe it's just how well I know him. Maybe if I provided a transcript of what he said, you all would say it was universally lovely. But for me, I feel like, while he and his wife are clearly supportive, I have no doubt he looks down on all of this.

Why? Well, he kept saying how bad he felt for me. I mean, sure, that was somewhat based on how long I've dealt with this, but it was more than that. Because he'd always follow that up with a surprised "but you sound good now" as if to say "despite the horrible thing you're dealing with." THAT felt like the undercurrent.

He kept asking about my wife, and if she was ok. And could he call her separately? First of all, he has a relationship with her so of course he could... but did he think I had her hostage?

Now maybe it was the fourth of these chats in four hours... but I don't think so. I just think it was a bunch of little cues and/or tells. They were/are benign. And I'm fine with it all. It's just that his was the only expression of pity... which really I don't have any use for. Bedside manner and all.

Of the other five? I had two amazing chats with friends who, at the end of which, we fell back into our old routines... and this evening were texting about the stuff we normally text. Which is how I know all is well.

Another was a wonderful text exchange with a chat set for Thursday, but I can tell we're good.

Another was a very curt message saying just "I was obviously surprised, but if you're happy I'm 100% good with it. Let's talk later."

Context there -I felt awful sending to him, in fact I almost pulled him from the "bucket"... but I really wanted him to know first. The reason to pull him was he is literally trying to get his latest book to his publisher by today. And when he called the other day needing advice on something, I told him he had "book voice" -- which is how he gets when he's at the finish line. So I hated the idea of adding to his burden.

Gosh I'm really looking forward to hopping onto that electrolysis table tomorrow morning and just relaxing. I really need a break.

Ok.. pain meds very much kicking in.

'night

[Oldandcreaky]

Now is the time to gaze away at your navel, Allie, just as long as you don't become eternally fixated on it. No belly button is that interesting, unless, perhaps, you're Mark Twain or Abe Lincoln.

[imallie]

Now is the time to gaze away at your navel, Allie, just as long as you don't become eternally fixated on it. No belly button is that interesting, unless, perhaps, you're Mark Twain or Abe Lincoln.

Grew up where the former spent much of his adult life and wrote many of his books, and am related to the latter ... so luckily I feel as if I have the perspective to avoid those particular pitfalls 😉

[Oldandcreaky]

Whoa, Twain's belated neighbor and Lincoln's cuz. You're royalty by dint of proximity and DNA.

[imallie]

Whoa, Twain's belated neighbor and Lincoln's cuz. You're royalty by dint of proximity and DNA.

I think telling our son about my situation was less fraught than telling him, when he was like 6-7, that he was related to Abe Lincoln. Because he then spent the rest of that school year singing the original song he wrote entitled "I'm related to Abraham Lincoln" over and over and OVER again...  😂

BTW, the lyrics were, coincidentally, exactly the same as the title. So... not a lot of variety in that song. So he could get through like 40-50 renditions of it in under 3 minutes.

Last month when cleaning out stuff in the basement we came across some school project he did where he did the family tree showing his connection to Abe - which is great, but I think it was for science class and he was supposed to make one of those baking soda volcanos. (I kid, I kid)...

As for Twain, yes.. it is kind of cool. Drove by his house every day for most of my life. I can't recall the last time I actually went inside, though... must have been 40 years ago? I have vague memory of taking my wife when we were first dating.

All that is apropos of nothing, though, other than that the phrase "by dint of proximity" is doing a LOT of the heavy lifting in your note above, as it relates to "royalty". I mean, A LOT. 😉